MY ARCHIVES ARE GONE

I'm not lying.

They are gone. I wrestled with the Blogger beast last night, trying to figure out some things. I guess I didn't really have them all saved elsewhere when I deleted them... so now they're gone.

Good riddance.

Half a million words, in two years' time... and I hated all of it. I can't tell you how liberating it feels right now, to be rid of all of that.

I should be sad. I should be upset and angry at myself for losing all of that work.

But I'm not.

However, I didn't intend to lose my Archives. I didn't chuck them due to self-destructive tendencies... I really thought I had them saved when I deleted everything, in an attempt to start anew with a whole new template.

The links and other stuff are still here. That's cool. And don't worry about me-- I'll be writing up a storm in no time, re-stocking my Archives with fresh new material.

I think, subconsciously, it had been bothering me for some time, the notion of keeping all of this crap online, useless posts and futile attempts at community from the likes of me.

Maybe deep down inside, I wanted to destroy those Archives. Maybe my conscious mind wouldn't hear anything of the sort.

Either way, none of it was worth saving. Moving residences four times in two years has taught me the value of certain things. I keep my notebooks, my handwritten pages, things like that...

Computer blogs? Let them rot in cyberspace, in the "blog-o-sphere"...

I suppose that, if I ever found my Archives somewhere, I'd be a little happy. But really, it's better this way.

Really.

What better way to start anew, with a fresh pallette?

It's one thing to stop blogging-- that's easy. But to jettison the bulk of the Archives? And keep on going? Unthinkable.

Of course, it wasn't intentional... but it reminds me of my younger days, when I used to burn my papers when I was sick of the sight of them.

That's the only kind of nostalgia I dig, the kind that gets burned to a crisp.

It was two years ago this month that I started blogging. What was I, two years ago? On the verge of losing my job; riddled with pain thanks to a bruised tailbone; depressed and living with Down Low, months away from the ultimate humiliation of having to go back home; nothing creative going on...

And now? It's like I am a new person. I have my own place, my own vehicle, a good job, creative activities keeping me busy, and my confidence has been restored.

Blogging helped me through a terrible time in my life, and now that I am past it, I'd like to dedicate the rest of my blogging to new heights to scale, different perspectives to take.

Rejuvenation is the name of the game.

We played our last gig, Holly and Mikey and I. No misty eyes here. Bridget from Grass Under Bare Feet showed up-- thanks Bridget.

It's funny-- a while back I printed up the first six episodes of the DEJA VU chronicles, so at least THAT's still around. That was the one thing I was the most proud of, I guess. I mean, I liked it enough to print it up and all...

But it's over now, that whole episode of my life. It's run its course.

And soon she will be gone.

Autumn signals The Fall, the harvest of what we have sown. Blogging breeds nothing, therefore it is fitting that I am left with nothing as this new harvest moon overtakes us.

"When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose..."

--Bob Dylan


"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose..."

--Janis Joplin

I still have my other blogs, the ones that I neglect. I still have my novel, frozen in half-finished time as it is. I still have this blog, although the records of the numerous daily posts that got me here are missing in action.

Boo fucking hoo.

It was getting stale.

Here's to a new template, symbolizing a new value system and a new way of looking at things.

Here's to The Future...