what is love?

So often in these blog pages I have questioned my own ability to love and be loved.

But I know now that I have the capacity for it.

I recently thought about the beginning of the spring of 2005, the night before Monique was supposed to fly home to Virginia. I was running late en route to the house where she was staying, and by the time I got to her front steps she was smoking a cigarette and waiting for me.

Monique said to me that she was tired, and that she just wanted to get to sleep so she could catch her plane in the morning, and that it was hard enough as it was leaving again without having to get all emotional over it. Then she looked at me and asked if I was upset.

My normal reaction on any ordinary day would've been to swallow, then restrain my hurt as I insist that it's no big deal and that it's OK. But that night, I had to admit that I was upset, because I didn't know if I would ever see her again after that.

But I didn't want to get angry either.

So I smiled, shook my head briefly, looked Monique in the eyes and said, "Yes, I am upset."

She smiled back. We embraced for a long time and shared one more kiss. I bid her adieu and drove home, slightly depressed but grateful for the two weeks we spent together.

The next day, she called me up in the early evening to tell me that she overslept and missed her flight. She re-booked it for a few days later.

We met each other later on and had us a proper going-away celebration that night. And after she finally did leave for real, I wondered if she really missed her flight or if she intentionally stayed behind in order to give me what she figured she might have owed me.

Ultimately, I decided that she didn't owe me anything, and chalked up her delayed departure to circumstance... but I always felt good about speaking my heart to her at that moment. Even if it wasn't the primary motivation behind her re-scheduled trip, I think it might have helped her to accept her situation with more grace at the very least.

It was one of the few times in my life when I did not let my defenses get the best of me. Yes, I was upset-- but the smile was to show her that it really was OK if she had to go and was too exhausted to be with me.

She expected me to pout and sulk. When I didn't, it reaffirmed something for her, and it surprised me that I didn't hesitate to bare my soul so frankly.

Thinking about that moment has made an otherwise lonely Valentine's Day week much more tolerable. I know I have it in me, if I'd only give myself the chance.

I'm calling her tomorrow morning, to let her know that I will be visiting her in a couple of months. I hope she will be glad to hear that.

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!