machine broke down

I had a physical breakdown on Friday. The intense heat combined with my party-as-you-go ethic and a lack of proper hydration, coupled with lousy sleeping and eating habits, caused me to nearly collapse as I left work. I felt exhausted and lethargic, but once I got back home and relaxed everything felt better.

*/*

The consequences of my lessening blog output is that I have millions of things that I want to write about, things that have happened to me over the past month or so that are craving to be expressed somehow. I don't think, however, that I should be blogging them. They are way too personal to blog.

*/*

Because of my physical breakdown, I ended up flaking on a lot of plans that I made with various persons. I had rehearsals to attend, a trip to Magic Mountain, a visit to my family, a swimming party and a BBQ to entertain, and my little episode nixed them all. But I'm glad it happened: I've been biting off way more than I can chew lately, and it was beginning to show.

*/*

Like a bad Method actor, I wonder what my motivation is. What gets me up in the morning? Is it the promises of the new day, or the betrayal of the old ones?

*/*

One of my bands is playing in August. Finally, a live show to get me out of the rut that set in from the wasted Spring and the heat rot of the broiling Summer.

*/*

Mercury goes into Retrograde again, very soon.

*/*

I am not unhappy, but I am running away from something, what with all the rehearsals and band auditions and animation business and shows to go see and projects to revive... I think I am avoiding true intimacy, with the people around me. It's easy to schedule people in for lunch, spend some time, and move on to the next thing, because it itemizes people in my mind... I am not so much interacting with them as I am scanning them, with some imaginary price-tag scanner.

*/*

It's nice and cool inside the office today. I think I'll stay in and think about what impels me to be such a busybody.