I know now that I will always love her, no matter what.
She slept with my best friend. She chose a guy she could control over my friendship and her own career. She has always come up with excuses not to be with me.
Despite all of that, I still love her.
It doesn't matter who I meet, and what they can do for me. When I need them, they are never there.
But she knows when I need her, even during the times when she'd like to help me but can't because it all hurts too much.
I need to do something new, yes. And so does she-- in fact, this weekend she is jumping into The Great Mystery of Life with someone who makes her happy.
And I'll be here, like I always am, waiting.
Why?
Because I will always love her, and that's what you do for people whom you love: you wait and see.
I have no choice. There is no alternative. Even when I move on she is always there, checking out my girlfriends, sizing them up, measuring whether they are good enough for me or not.
She loves me too.
Unfortunately, we are both control freaks, and we have a hard time trusting each other and admitting our respective needs.
But it's love. If it weren't, I would not be writing this. Nor would I be gutting my life of the girls who don't really matter, the ones who are not nor have ever been important.
They are not there for me when I am down. I'm not talking about the ones I've known all of my life and consider family-- I'm talking about the ones who fill up my voided days and very little beyond that.
The fact is, I don't want anyone else.
I want her.
But she needs to be free for a while.
So I will wait.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
phony
I feel like such a phony.
I have always taken pride in the fact that I do whatever I feel like doing-- "following my bliss", so to speak. Lately, I haven't been feeling like that.
I feel like I am compromising. And it's more than just taking a new job that's got me feeling like this.
I have always known that I am not my job. Even when the job is something that I actually like, I am always able to divorce myself from any attachments concerning whatever I do to make ends meet.
So it's not the job that has got me feeling rundown. If anything, the job is a source of solace for me right now. It gives me something to focus my energy on for 10 hours a day.
Over the weekend I came to realize that, as of late, I have been afraid to be alone. This has never been a problem for me in the past. I used to relish my alone time, guarding it with extreme caution and care.
This explains my increasingly dramatic mood swings, perhaps, but the real question is: Why am I so afraid to be by myself? What do I fear will happen if left to my own devices?
What caused this fear to start taking shape?
I have a theory...
*/*
May 2003: My father and I had it out in a bad way. It was an all-out brawl, a fistfight on the scale of the standard saloon scene in a Western.
We duked it out, our respective aggressions being released. My father was crowing about respect, and I was trying to tell him that he lost my respect years ago. We are both very stubborn men, and so we ended up attempting to force the other to see things our way.
For me, it was more than just trying to prove I was right-- it was the uncorking of a decade or more of bottled rage. I have never hit a man with such hate and fury as I did on that day.
I would've strangled him if it had not been for my stepsister intervening.
Ever since that day, he and I have a tenuous relationship. My stepmother has been distant, as well as my stepsister. Ironically, my other stepsister (who did not witness the ugly ordeal herself) understood my situation when I explained it to her, but Steph (the one who convinced me to let my father out of a chokehold) was visibly disturbed by my demonstration of anger.
That is doubly ironic, considering that Steph has quite a temper of her own.
Anyway, the reason why I bring this up is because, ever since that day, I have given in to my anger more and more. A taste of blood in my mouth has given way to a raging river, a non-stop torrent, an insatiable quest to inflict pain and violence upon anything in my path.
And since I spend a lot of time alone, I am afraid of what I might do to myself if given the chance. I'm not talking about suicide or self-flagellation, though: I'm talking about dwelling on the pain with no one around to tell me to stop.
I will take my self-loathing to unhealthy extremes, and whereas before I could always count on myself to rein myself in I now feel terror and paralysis during certain moments when no one is around.
*/*
I watched Oliver Stone's Natural Born Killers on DVD last night at Purple Paulie's house.
This is one of those movies that actually gets better with time. When it first came out, I thought it was good but felt that it was too long and gave me a headache.
Now that I'm a bit older, I can appreciate the movie in different terms.
Stone's message, however convoluted, is clear: Love beats the demons inside all of us, or at least it keeps them at bay for a little while.
I wonder if that's true. I try to recall all the times I was in love, and I try to think if being in love brought out the demons or eradicated them.
The demons are mostly still here, so I can't say they were exorcised. But then again, maybe I've never been in love. Maybe all those times when it felt so real, it was all just an illusion.
Maybe I've been wrong about everything and everyone.
All I know is, I feel very alone right now and making matters worse is the fact that I cannot bear to be around myself.
That is the narcissist's worst nightmare: to be unable to look at one's self in the mirror, to be unable to live with one's self.
*/*
The job is just a symptom of this phony feeling. Doing this kind of work does not automatically make me a compromiser or a settler. It is symbolic, rather, of how I am feeling.
I feel empty and hollow. I get vibes from people that only serve to confirm this.
My friend J from NYC was in town, but I only saw her for an hour. I don't think she was trying to avoid me purposely-- she's a busy girl and she has a family that misses her dearly. They want to spend as much time with her as possible.
I don't blame her for not wanting to spend too much time with me. I think it would have depressed her. I am sure, now that she is married and living her own life on the East Coast, that I just remind of her things she used to care about but outgrew long ago.
She was my best friend. But I haven't exactly been that good of a friend to her. So I shouldn't be shocked or surprised that she can't find the time for me. I mean, what would we do if we hung out for longer than an hour?
I would probably just harangue her with the petty details of my life while she sat there, waiting for a break in the flow to give her two cents... a break that might never occur thanks to my motormouth.
I know she reads this blog, and I must stress that my intent is not to make her feel guilty or bad. In fact, as I write this I am also looking up quotes on airfare to NYC later this year.
I guess I am writing this out because it is another symptom of this phoniness I feel. I am not who I say I am. I am aware of this, and it bothers me.
I guess I have to go back to the drawing board and ask myself, Who am I?
What do I stand for? What is my purpose in life? Where will I end up and how will I get there?
*/*
I recently asked some of my My Space friends a quiz-like question: What is one thing you know for certain about me?
Only a handful of people responded. None of them were people I see on a regular basis. Their answers varied, and some of them went as follows:
You are an artist.
You are underestimated by certain people and a lot smarter than you let on.
You are trying to do the right thing.
Rather than re-affirming things I already know, these sentiments confuse me further. I don't recognize myself in their descriptions. At one point in my life I would've basked in the solipsistic glow, but not today.
I am a stranger to myself. I no longer can distinguish myself from anyone else. I am not unique in my own eyes anymore. I do not stand out-- instead, I blend in, I camouflage myself like a chameleon.
I am just like everyone else: afraid to be alone for a second, afraid of everything around me.
This is not right. Something must be done. I kept thinking that I had to get rid of this job, but that's not the answer. In fact, the job may be the key to transforming myself into something I can look in the eyes and feel pride over, something that will allow me to hold my head up high again.
I don't want to live in fear anymore. The irony is that, in the weeks following my fight with my father, I felt invincible, indestructible. But that was a pose, apparently, because now I see that I am desperate and horrified at my disposition towards the world.
I crossed a line, and it is proving to be very difficult to try and get back past it, as if I'd never crossed it.
It seems to be the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.
I have always taken pride in the fact that I do whatever I feel like doing-- "following my bliss", so to speak. Lately, I haven't been feeling like that.
I feel like I am compromising. And it's more than just taking a new job that's got me feeling like this.
I have always known that I am not my job. Even when the job is something that I actually like, I am always able to divorce myself from any attachments concerning whatever I do to make ends meet.
So it's not the job that has got me feeling rundown. If anything, the job is a source of solace for me right now. It gives me something to focus my energy on for 10 hours a day.
Over the weekend I came to realize that, as of late, I have been afraid to be alone. This has never been a problem for me in the past. I used to relish my alone time, guarding it with extreme caution and care.
This explains my increasingly dramatic mood swings, perhaps, but the real question is: Why am I so afraid to be by myself? What do I fear will happen if left to my own devices?
What caused this fear to start taking shape?
I have a theory...
*/*
May 2003: My father and I had it out in a bad way. It was an all-out brawl, a fistfight on the scale of the standard saloon scene in a Western.
We duked it out, our respective aggressions being released. My father was crowing about respect, and I was trying to tell him that he lost my respect years ago. We are both very stubborn men, and so we ended up attempting to force the other to see things our way.
For me, it was more than just trying to prove I was right-- it was the uncorking of a decade or more of bottled rage. I have never hit a man with such hate and fury as I did on that day.
I would've strangled him if it had not been for my stepsister intervening.
Ever since that day, he and I have a tenuous relationship. My stepmother has been distant, as well as my stepsister. Ironically, my other stepsister (who did not witness the ugly ordeal herself) understood my situation when I explained it to her, but Steph (the one who convinced me to let my father out of a chokehold) was visibly disturbed by my demonstration of anger.
That is doubly ironic, considering that Steph has quite a temper of her own.
Anyway, the reason why I bring this up is because, ever since that day, I have given in to my anger more and more. A taste of blood in my mouth has given way to a raging river, a non-stop torrent, an insatiable quest to inflict pain and violence upon anything in my path.
And since I spend a lot of time alone, I am afraid of what I might do to myself if given the chance. I'm not talking about suicide or self-flagellation, though: I'm talking about dwelling on the pain with no one around to tell me to stop.
I will take my self-loathing to unhealthy extremes, and whereas before I could always count on myself to rein myself in I now feel terror and paralysis during certain moments when no one is around.
*/*
I watched Oliver Stone's Natural Born Killers on DVD last night at Purple Paulie's house.
This is one of those movies that actually gets better with time. When it first came out, I thought it was good but felt that it was too long and gave me a headache.
Now that I'm a bit older, I can appreciate the movie in different terms.
Stone's message, however convoluted, is clear: Love beats the demons inside all of us, or at least it keeps them at bay for a little while.
I wonder if that's true. I try to recall all the times I was in love, and I try to think if being in love brought out the demons or eradicated them.
The demons are mostly still here, so I can't say they were exorcised. But then again, maybe I've never been in love. Maybe all those times when it felt so real, it was all just an illusion.
Maybe I've been wrong about everything and everyone.
All I know is, I feel very alone right now and making matters worse is the fact that I cannot bear to be around myself.
That is the narcissist's worst nightmare: to be unable to look at one's self in the mirror, to be unable to live with one's self.
*/*
The job is just a symptom of this phony feeling. Doing this kind of work does not automatically make me a compromiser or a settler. It is symbolic, rather, of how I am feeling.
I feel empty and hollow. I get vibes from people that only serve to confirm this.
My friend J from NYC was in town, but I only saw her for an hour. I don't think she was trying to avoid me purposely-- she's a busy girl and she has a family that misses her dearly. They want to spend as much time with her as possible.
I don't blame her for not wanting to spend too much time with me. I think it would have depressed her. I am sure, now that she is married and living her own life on the East Coast, that I just remind of her things she used to care about but outgrew long ago.
She was my best friend. But I haven't exactly been that good of a friend to her. So I shouldn't be shocked or surprised that she can't find the time for me. I mean, what would we do if we hung out for longer than an hour?
I would probably just harangue her with the petty details of my life while she sat there, waiting for a break in the flow to give her two cents... a break that might never occur thanks to my motormouth.
I know she reads this blog, and I must stress that my intent is not to make her feel guilty or bad. In fact, as I write this I am also looking up quotes on airfare to NYC later this year.
I guess I am writing this out because it is another symptom of this phoniness I feel. I am not who I say I am. I am aware of this, and it bothers me.
I guess I have to go back to the drawing board and ask myself, Who am I?
What do I stand for? What is my purpose in life? Where will I end up and how will I get there?
*/*
I recently asked some of my My Space friends a quiz-like question: What is one thing you know for certain about me?
Only a handful of people responded. None of them were people I see on a regular basis. Their answers varied, and some of them went as follows:
You are an artist.
You are underestimated by certain people and a lot smarter than you let on.
You are trying to do the right thing.
Rather than re-affirming things I already know, these sentiments confuse me further. I don't recognize myself in their descriptions. At one point in my life I would've basked in the solipsistic glow, but not today.
I am a stranger to myself. I no longer can distinguish myself from anyone else. I am not unique in my own eyes anymore. I do not stand out-- instead, I blend in, I camouflage myself like a chameleon.
I am just like everyone else: afraid to be alone for a second, afraid of everything around me.
This is not right. Something must be done. I kept thinking that I had to get rid of this job, but that's not the answer. In fact, the job may be the key to transforming myself into something I can look in the eyes and feel pride over, something that will allow me to hold my head up high again.
I don't want to live in fear anymore. The irony is that, in the weeks following my fight with my father, I felt invincible, indestructible. But that was a pose, apparently, because now I see that I am desperate and horrified at my disposition towards the world.
I crossed a line, and it is proving to be very difficult to try and get back past it, as if I'd never crossed it.
It seems to be the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
bread & butter (rebuke the cosmos)
The phrase "bread and butter" puzzled us one day. I then proceeded, out of my particular brand of insatiable curiosity, to quiz all within earshot, and no one knew its origin.
Sure, they knew it had to be said at certain times, but as to where the ritual stemmed from was anyone's best guess.
I did some searching online. Here's a wholesale quotation from one source that I found:
Bread Superstitions
-Whomever eats the last piece of bread has to kiss the cook
-It is bad luck to turn a loaf of bread upside down or cut an unbaked loaf
-If you burn bread it means your sweetheart is angry with you
-To prevent ghosts from calling, leave bread and coffee under a house
-Eating bread baked by a woman whose maiden name is the same as her married name is a cure for many illnesses
-If all the bread is eaten, the next day will be good
-If you put a piece of bread in a baby's cradle, it will keep away disease
-Murphy's Law dictates that buttered bread will always land buttered-side down
-Cutting bread in an uneven manner is a sign that you have been telling lies
-A loaf of bread should never be turned upside down after a slice has been cut from it
-When a couple is walking down the street holding hands and an obstacle comes between them, say "bread and butter" to keep the union until the hands meet again
Also, from an online source:
SUPERSTITIONS
-Handshake - Originally a gesture to show that one did not have a weapon. It has always been done with the right hand because it is considered the lucky hand.
-Evil Eye - It is believed that one can control others with a glance or different sort of look. It can kill, blight, maim, cripple, paralyze, etc. In the 1930s, a New York man earned his living by renting his evil eye to prize-fight managers. He would sit at ringside and stare at the opposing fighter. Their ignorance and superstitions often stunned them enough to set them up for a knock-out.
-Easter Eggs - These symbols stem from a rite for the “hatching” of spring.
-Charm Bracelet - This item stems from the worship of carved deities. e.g. totem poles
-Bread and Butter - This counter-spell is used to deny a separation by naming things that belong or stick together.
*/*
Interesting.
I like the latter explanation, that it is a counter-spell. When the universe denies a union by forcing separation upon a pair, then it becomes necessary to rebuke the cosmos.
We belong together. Nothing should come between the two of us.
So I say "Bread and butter".
Sure, they knew it had to be said at certain times, but as to where the ritual stemmed from was anyone's best guess.
I did some searching online. Here's a wholesale quotation from one source that I found:
Bread Superstitions
-Whomever eats the last piece of bread has to kiss the cook
-It is bad luck to turn a loaf of bread upside down or cut an unbaked loaf
-If you burn bread it means your sweetheart is angry with you
-To prevent ghosts from calling, leave bread and coffee under a house
-Eating bread baked by a woman whose maiden name is the same as her married name is a cure for many illnesses
-If all the bread is eaten, the next day will be good
-If you put a piece of bread in a baby's cradle, it will keep away disease
-Murphy's Law dictates that buttered bread will always land buttered-side down
-Cutting bread in an uneven manner is a sign that you have been telling lies
-A loaf of bread should never be turned upside down after a slice has been cut from it
-When a couple is walking down the street holding hands and an obstacle comes between them, say "bread and butter" to keep the union until the hands meet again
Also, from an online source:
SUPERSTITIONS
-Handshake - Originally a gesture to show that one did not have a weapon. It has always been done with the right hand because it is considered the lucky hand.
-Evil Eye - It is believed that one can control others with a glance or different sort of look. It can kill, blight, maim, cripple, paralyze, etc. In the 1930s, a New York man earned his living by renting his evil eye to prize-fight managers. He would sit at ringside and stare at the opposing fighter. Their ignorance and superstitions often stunned them enough to set them up for a knock-out.
-Easter Eggs - These symbols stem from a rite for the “hatching” of spring.
-Charm Bracelet - This item stems from the worship of carved deities. e.g. totem poles
-Bread and Butter - This counter-spell is used to deny a separation by naming things that belong or stick together.
*/*
Interesting.
I like the latter explanation, that it is a counter-spell. When the universe denies a union by forcing separation upon a pair, then it becomes necessary to rebuke the cosmos.
We belong together. Nothing should come between the two of us.
So I say "Bread and butter".
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
dues
Mercury doesn't go retrograde until July 4th but MAN does it feel like it's on right now...
I stabbed myself in the foot over the weekend. My paycheck was lost in the system last week, and even then they are paying me for work I did almost a month ago. The toilet here at the office is running on low water pressure and takes ten years for one flush. My computer at work is on the fritz every other day, and I keep getting lost on the commute home.
Fucked-up things are happening not just to me but to others.
And to top it all off, it has been getting hot as a mug in Southern Cali.
*/*
I disabled the comments on this blog. No one leaves comments anymore, so fuck all y'all who never left a comment for me. You suck.
Believe it or not, I'm actually not in a bad mood. I can't say it's a good mood, but it ain't bad either.
I don't drink coffee anymore. I think this has had a positive effect on my sleeping patterns, especially in regards to adjusting to this new schedule.
I've been keeping busy. I've been focusing on my goals.
I plan to be out of debt by the end of the summer.
Hooray.
*/*
My homegirl J from NYC is out here on the West Coast, but she is up in San Francisco right now. I think she is working on some project for MTV or something.
She is the one person I've been jonesing to see lately. I've known her almost all of my life. She has been my one true confidante and a source of constant inspiration.
We just laugh our asses off when we get together.
I plan to visit J and her husband in NYC sometime later this year. It will be the first time I've been to New York since 1999.
This new job has opened up many possibilities for me. I think everything is going to work out fine.
I think...
*/*
The end of the month will be a turning point for me. When I get that first big check, I already have the money rationed and allotted for certain things.
I will pay off the majority of the $1,000 debt. I will buy the animation program I have been lusting after, and I will start looking for airfares to the East Coast.
By the end of August, I will have enough money to fix my Ford Escort, which has been sitting in my garage for three years. I don't really care about the car, but I need to get it the fuck out of my garage.
Now is the time. I've been waiting for this day for five years.
I paid my dues, and now it's time to reap what I have sown.
I apologize if this post seems terse, detached or dispassionate. I'd write more but I don't want to jinx anything.
I'm so close to liberation that it's scary.
Wish me well.
I stabbed myself in the foot over the weekend. My paycheck was lost in the system last week, and even then they are paying me for work I did almost a month ago. The toilet here at the office is running on low water pressure and takes ten years for one flush. My computer at work is on the fritz every other day, and I keep getting lost on the commute home.
Fucked-up things are happening not just to me but to others.
And to top it all off, it has been getting hot as a mug in Southern Cali.
*/*
I disabled the comments on this blog. No one leaves comments anymore, so fuck all y'all who never left a comment for me. You suck.
Believe it or not, I'm actually not in a bad mood. I can't say it's a good mood, but it ain't bad either.
I don't drink coffee anymore. I think this has had a positive effect on my sleeping patterns, especially in regards to adjusting to this new schedule.
I've been keeping busy. I've been focusing on my goals.
I plan to be out of debt by the end of the summer.
Hooray.
*/*
My homegirl J from NYC is out here on the West Coast, but she is up in San Francisco right now. I think she is working on some project for MTV or something.
She is the one person I've been jonesing to see lately. I've known her almost all of my life. She has been my one true confidante and a source of constant inspiration.
We just laugh our asses off when we get together.
I plan to visit J and her husband in NYC sometime later this year. It will be the first time I've been to New York since 1999.
This new job has opened up many possibilities for me. I think everything is going to work out fine.
I think...
*/*
The end of the month will be a turning point for me. When I get that first big check, I already have the money rationed and allotted for certain things.
I will pay off the majority of the $1,000 debt. I will buy the animation program I have been lusting after, and I will start looking for airfares to the East Coast.
By the end of August, I will have enough money to fix my Ford Escort, which has been sitting in my garage for three years. I don't really care about the car, but I need to get it the fuck out of my garage.
Now is the time. I've been waiting for this day for five years.
I paid my dues, and now it's time to reap what I have sown.
I apologize if this post seems terse, detached or dispassionate. I'd write more but I don't want to jinx anything.
I'm so close to liberation that it's scary.
Wish me well.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Simpsons Wake
“The Simpsons, like Monty Python, is an Anglo-Saxon comedic take on the existentialism which in France takes on a more tragic hue. Albert Camus’s absurd is defied not by will, but mocking laughter… The satirical cartoon world is essentially a philosophical one because to work, it needs to reflect reality accurately by abstracting it, distilling it and then presenting it back to us, illuminating it more brightly than realist fiction can.
"That’s why it’s no coincidence that the most insightful and philosophical cultural product of our time is a comic cartoon, and why its creator, Matt Groening, is the true heir of Plato, Aristotle and Kant.”
PHILOSOPHER JULIAN BAGGINI
Bristol Festival of Ideas
Link courtesy of Private Eye Magazine
I personally feel that The Simpsons have evolved from a clever and caustic parody of The Flintstones to something akin to the Earwicker family in Joyce's Finnegans Wake, especially during the special epsiodes where the Simpsons family and various minor characters are cast in famous roles. Their parody of The Odyssey, for example, casts Homer as Odysseus, Marge as Penelope and Bart as Telemachus. They can be re-cast into anything cultural so long as there are corresponding matches to the characters. Like the Earwickers in FW, we can imagine and re-imagine the Simpsons family in any number of situations, parodying an infinite number of books, movies and historical events, symbolizing the different polarities that exist in the rich mythology of mankind.
Have a nice weekend...
"That’s why it’s no coincidence that the most insightful and philosophical cultural product of our time is a comic cartoon, and why its creator, Matt Groening, is the true heir of Plato, Aristotle and Kant.”
PHILOSOPHER JULIAN BAGGINI
Bristol Festival of Ideas
Link courtesy of Private Eye Magazine
I personally feel that The Simpsons have evolved from a clever and caustic parody of The Flintstones to something akin to the Earwicker family in Joyce's Finnegans Wake, especially during the special epsiodes where the Simpsons family and various minor characters are cast in famous roles. Their parody of The Odyssey, for example, casts Homer as Odysseus, Marge as Penelope and Bart as Telemachus. They can be re-cast into anything cultural so long as there are corresponding matches to the characters. Like the Earwickers in FW, we can imagine and re-imagine the Simpsons family in any number of situations, parodying an infinite number of books, movies and historical events, symbolizing the different polarities that exist in the rich mythology of mankind.
Have a nice weekend...
understanding
I am adjusting slowly but surely to the new job schedule.
I spent three years waking up at 10AM, getting to work at noon but not working until 3PM, then going home anytime between 5PM and 7:45PM.
Now I have the alarm set for 5:45AM... hell, just having the alarm set AT ALL is a bitch!
I have myself trained to the point where I wake up right before the alarm, but I'm still too lazy to stay awake after I turn it off... and I've never been a Snooze Button kind of guy.
Getting to sleep on time has been improving. Only two nights this week did I stay out past 10PM, and both of those nights were party nights: Monday I went out to visit The Wolf Man and make music, and last night I kicked it with Purple Paulie and assorted friends. The rest of the week was spent playing shows and rehearsing with other bands.
Speaking of Wolfie, he is leaving town. He's had it with Los Angeles and wants to relocate to Oregon. He has a degree in Advanced Chemistry but he wants to be a rock star. I say he should try and be a rock star chemist, but it's a hard sell.
I really should get him to hook me up with his snow connect before he moves away. Not that I'm getting into it... it's just that it's really high quality and the very rare occasions when I deign to do it are worth all the trouble.
The next day I was a wreck. I received all sorts of bad news and bad vibes on Tuesday. I didn't fully recuperate until Wednesday.
Thursday was blissful and mellow. While at Paulie's last night I sat down and had a chat with Nona, Paulie's girlfriend and a close friend of mine for years.
She and I used to sit around and talk all the time. I was friends with her sister Nina, whose current beau hired me for my new job. I introduced Nona to Paulie and was friends with her when she was dating Sharky.
We made small talk but I liked how small the talk was, especially considering that there are big-- no, huge --concerns on my mind as of late. Nona is not one to get deep or sentimental. She barely ever speaks at all, content to be a silent, lanky Buddha reclining in her favorite chair with a bong as a sceptor.
But she understands me, and that makes me realize that everyone in my life has a different understanding of who I am.
Eve understands me too, but it's a different kind of understanding. It is informed by romance and past history characterizations we've made in our heads colored by sex and emotions too dark to label.
All the women I flock to have different understandings of me. It's as if I have several therapists-- all of them women --who all have separate diagnoses for what ails me.
One of these days I'm going to organize a summit. Everyone will show up and compare notes, and after extensive research we will see just what my big problem is, and whether I can do anything about it.
No men will be invited. Men are not interested in profiling me, even though I have entire dossiers in my head concerning my guy pals. Maybe it's because I know them too well that I deny them the chance to diagnose me.
That's how my week has been: coke sessions, band rehearsals, and heart-to-heart talks with longtime confidantes.
As for Friday, so far so good.
I spent three years waking up at 10AM, getting to work at noon but not working until 3PM, then going home anytime between 5PM and 7:45PM.
Now I have the alarm set for 5:45AM... hell, just having the alarm set AT ALL is a bitch!
I have myself trained to the point where I wake up right before the alarm, but I'm still too lazy to stay awake after I turn it off... and I've never been a Snooze Button kind of guy.
Getting to sleep on time has been improving. Only two nights this week did I stay out past 10PM, and both of those nights were party nights: Monday I went out to visit The Wolf Man and make music, and last night I kicked it with Purple Paulie and assorted friends. The rest of the week was spent playing shows and rehearsing with other bands.
Speaking of Wolfie, he is leaving town. He's had it with Los Angeles and wants to relocate to Oregon. He has a degree in Advanced Chemistry but he wants to be a rock star. I say he should try and be a rock star chemist, but it's a hard sell.
I really should get him to hook me up with his snow connect before he moves away. Not that I'm getting into it... it's just that it's really high quality and the very rare occasions when I deign to do it are worth all the trouble.
The next day I was a wreck. I received all sorts of bad news and bad vibes on Tuesday. I didn't fully recuperate until Wednesday.
Thursday was blissful and mellow. While at Paulie's last night I sat down and had a chat with Nona, Paulie's girlfriend and a close friend of mine for years.
She and I used to sit around and talk all the time. I was friends with her sister Nina, whose current beau hired me for my new job. I introduced Nona to Paulie and was friends with her when she was dating Sharky.
We made small talk but I liked how small the talk was, especially considering that there are big-- no, huge --concerns on my mind as of late. Nona is not one to get deep or sentimental. She barely ever speaks at all, content to be a silent, lanky Buddha reclining in her favorite chair with a bong as a sceptor.
But she understands me, and that makes me realize that everyone in my life has a different understanding of who I am.
Eve understands me too, but it's a different kind of understanding. It is informed by romance and past history characterizations we've made in our heads colored by sex and emotions too dark to label.
All the women I flock to have different understandings of me. It's as if I have several therapists-- all of them women --who all have separate diagnoses for what ails me.
One of these days I'm going to organize a summit. Everyone will show up and compare notes, and after extensive research we will see just what my big problem is, and whether I can do anything about it.
No men will be invited. Men are not interested in profiling me, even though I have entire dossiers in my head concerning my guy pals. Maybe it's because I know them too well that I deny them the chance to diagnose me.
That's how my week has been: coke sessions, band rehearsals, and heart-to-heart talks with longtime confidantes.
As for Friday, so far so good.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
more disappointment
I thought I would have scored higher-- at least past the 50% mark!
| You Are 48% Sociopath |
 You're not a sociopath, but you're very prone to antisocial behavior. Other people's opinions matter little to you. You live your own fringe life - for better or worse. |
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
official
Yesterday I finally got Eve to admit that she has been seeing someone. This makes a big difference to me.
I knew she was seeing someone but getting her to admit it was like pulling teeth. Fortunately I knew it was only a matter of time before it would come down to her having to state the obvious.
That is my biggest pet peeve with her: her inability to be honest. She will pride herself on being blunt, true, but that's not the same as being honest. I think she was reluctant to say anything to me until she was sure that she was secure with this new thing she has going on.
Ironically, all she had to do was tell me she was already seeing someone and I would've backed off much earlier. But of course she has this pitiable view of me and thought that I wouldn't be able to handle the truth.
I can handle the truth fine. It's the untruths that set me off. I wasn't born yesterday, and I know when she is seeing someone else-- despite her best acting talents.
So now the official reason for her refusal to date me is that she can't handle my emotional outbursts. OK, fair enough... but she has never bothered to put two and two together and realize that the only reason why I was having these outbursts was because I knew she was looking to get out of it and she wasn't being on the level with me. Not that she has to report to me about everything-- still, if I really am her best friend then she would have just told me, even if she feared that I would not take it well.
I mean, I have been frank and candid with her about my relationships with other girls, in person and in these pages. She told me that she doesn't like hearing about them, but it doesn't stop me from letting her know what is going on my life. It's not my fault that she couldn't bear to hear my thoughts about other women.
But when it's the other way around, it's different. Not knowing is what drives me crazy. However, now that I know it is official, I actually feel better because now I can focus on the things in my life I have been neglecting.
I can devote more time to the bands I'm in. I can start my own animation and finish up what's left on the project with Purple Paulie and Peter. I can finish my screenplay and put together a demo collection of my own songs. And now that I know she is out with another guy, I can stop obsessing over whether she is really seeing someone else or if she is just trying to make me jealous.
I have this weird code: I will always honor my exes-turned-platonic-friends' relationships. The minute they find someone else, I'm off the case. Maybe Eve knows this and was hesitant to say anything because she knows that it lessens her power over me.
But things are not quite better just yet. I still had a show to do last night with my other band, and I got mighty drunk. It was our first show and it went off without a hitch. People kept buying me drinks and by the time I got home I was ready to hurl.
Instead, I hurled a lengthy, rambling message onto Eve's voice mail, wherein I announced I was giving up music (not true) and stopping all creative efforts (also not true) if I couldn't have her. I meant them when I said them last night, right before I puked my guts out.
But now that I am sober, awake, and at my new job, I realize that it was just drunk talk.
The fact is, it's a beautiful day outside and I am doing better than I have been in a long time, both financially and socially. And now that Eve has paired up with someone else, I can actually see an upside to all of this.
Let's examine further the silver lining on this dark cloud.
*/*
Like I said, the new reason she gives is that I am emotionally unstable. Before that, it was because she thought I wanted to have a baby(!) and before that it was because I could do so much better than her and she was holding me back...
When the reasons for not wanting to be with me keep changing like the weather, I find it hard to believe them. Eve likes to say that she trusts no one, but I think she finds it hard to accept that I don't trust her either. So she would get mad when I would make snide comments about her seeing other people, and the reason why she got upset was because I was hitting the nail on the head.
Funny how she didn't seem to mind the policy towards snide comments when she was making intimations about me and some of my platonic female friends to my face.
She says she doesn't want anyone kissing her ass, but if you ask me that's exactly what she wants. If I ever bent to her will, it wasn't out of some groveling ass-kissing measure-- it was because I always got the same advice from my married friends and girlfriend-saddled peers regarding women.
The advice: "Even when you're right, you have to say that you're wrong"
That's hard for me to do. But for Eve, I would occasionally drop the gloves and let her have her way. She took this to mean that I have no spine.
Let her think it all she wants. I don't hold my emotions back with her so she probably thinks I'm a big pussy. I can see why. It can be unnerving to deal with someone who has a crying jag every month such as myself. Eve is the only person I cry with (or over) and I'm sure it puts a strain on her.
I inherited that unattractive trait from my father, who was nothing but a big ball of tears and misdirected woe during the post-divorce years.
However, my father's self-pity made me sick because he was the one who brought the calamity down not only upon himself but his family. It's hard to feel sorry for someone who engineered their own downfall, even if you love them. And when I became an unwitting victim to his inconsiderate actions, I began to hate him.
In my case, I am just a hyper-sensitive Romantic. But this morning instead of beating myself up about it, I realized that (unlike my father) I have actually stood up to Eve many times.
My father never once stood up to my mother, and there is a part of me that resents him still for his lack of confidence regarding her.
I love my mother very much, but I wish my father had been strong enough to put her in her place every once in a while. He never did. He let her walk all over him.
I may feel crappy about this Eve thing right now, but one thing's for certain: I didn't let her walk all over me.
I think back to last year around this time. It is almost identical to now. Eve was off trying to jump-start some romance with someone else, and I was on my own, seeing other girls and trying to forget about Eve.
The only difference is that I don't have anyone to distract me at the moment. But last year was a great lesson for me, because my sexual renaissance in the summer of 2005 was preceded by two or three God-awfully lonely months of being miserable and wondering what Eve was doing.
I think I am at the end of this year's bad cycle, and if the past has taught me anything it's that I am now on threshold of something new and exciting.
*/*
The true test of my strength, of course, is whether or not I can be friends with her now that we are separate.
That means that if things don't work out with this new guy and she comes running to me for some comfort, I have to not give in.
That means that I need to find someone to get my mind off of her pronto. It doesn't have to be anything meaningful, and I wouldn't use it as an opportunity to show Eve up.
It all has to do with the simple fact that a man can get over any heartbreak if there is another option in front of him readily available.
Does that sound shallow? I'm sure it does. But what's the alternative? Staying miserable? Pining away for something that's never going to happen? You tell me.
Last year, if Monique had not gone off to Virginia, I would've made the break from Eve and I would've been able to be friends with her without worrying about our attraction to each other. That's because I would've had someone else to relieve me of my stress (and quite possibly cause me a whole new set of problems).
It didn't work out like that. By the time Laurie and Daniel renewed their wedding vows last year, the two of us found ourselves working it out in the bedroom.
No doubt I will be labeled as 'bitter' by anyone who reads this or anyone who brings it up to me... and believe me, people will bring it up. They always do. I can go through entire conversations without bringing her up (mainly because I write about her so much that nothing needs to be actually said) and usually it falls upon the other person, who may be running out of things to talk about and figures that they'll strike oil by bringing her up to me.
I mean, no one ever asks me, "So, James, have you been seeing anyone else since you and Eve called it quits?"
No, they never ask that. Instead, they ask, "So, how are things with Eve?"
Then it falls upon me to be the one to make distinctions. "We're just friends. I've been seeing someone else, though. She's real great, she's--"
"Yeah, it's too bad. I always thought you and Eve were perfect for each other."
A pause from me. Then, I usually say, "Sure. Why not? But that's history. Next week I have a date with--"
"If you see her, tell her I said 'hi', okay?"
That usually causes me to think to myself, Fuck that-- why don't you tell her yourself? Anyway, you're probably going to look her up now that you know we're not together...
But I don't say that. I just think it. Instead, I say something like, "That's if I do see her again. You'll probably see her before I do, and she'll probably be with her new dude..."
That usually causes the topic of conversation to change quickly.
*/*
Listening to Snoop Dogg's first album, Doggystyle, was a blast from the past. It's been 13 years since this delicious platter dropped, and I recently bought a CD version at a garage sale for a dollar. I have the album on vinyl but rarely play it, and I need music for the car.
Something that's funny (or not, depending on your view of misogynistic rap lyrics) throughout the album is Snoop's declaration that he "never loved a hoe". He'll fuck a hoe in a heartbeat, but he won't love her. Lots of gangsters and wannabe pimps adopt this strategy, claiming success.
I guess I'm the same. I don't love hoes either. I'll fuck them, but I don't love them.
But for me, "hoe" doesn't mean "whore" or "slut"-- it just means some girl who tied you over for a spell. These girls never give me problems. They never come around again, and they never look back.
Sometimes, when I'm in a poetic mood, I will write a tribute to them, but that's about it. Occasionally I run into them, and they are doing fine.
I recall the time spent with them fondly. But I never loved them.
I can't say the same about Eve. That's what makes all of this so intense.
But I'll say this: Looking back on the early posts in this blog, I was tortured by not knowing what was going on with her. And now, there's a full circle here. There's the closure I always wanted.
We were apart. We came back together. We had a rendezvous that was short but (mostly) sweet. She had issues, I had issues.
But we're friends again, and she isn't with Dick anymore.
That's all that matters. When it comes to love, you have to remember what really matters.
Otherwise, you'll lose sight of your goals, and you'll fuck up in a big way.
Some people thought I was fucking up by getting mixed up with her again, but they didn't know-- and they'll never know --what had to be done, nor will they ever understand.
When I made contact with Eve again, I expected to share some words and say a long goodbye. A year and a half later, the long goodbye has turned into a promise that we'll see each other every now and then.
Coupled with a new job and a new outlook on life, I can't see how this can be bad.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?
I knew she was seeing someone but getting her to admit it was like pulling teeth. Fortunately I knew it was only a matter of time before it would come down to her having to state the obvious.
That is my biggest pet peeve with her: her inability to be honest. She will pride herself on being blunt, true, but that's not the same as being honest. I think she was reluctant to say anything to me until she was sure that she was secure with this new thing she has going on.
Ironically, all she had to do was tell me she was already seeing someone and I would've backed off much earlier. But of course she has this pitiable view of me and thought that I wouldn't be able to handle the truth.
I can handle the truth fine. It's the untruths that set me off. I wasn't born yesterday, and I know when she is seeing someone else-- despite her best acting talents.
So now the official reason for her refusal to date me is that she can't handle my emotional outbursts. OK, fair enough... but she has never bothered to put two and two together and realize that the only reason why I was having these outbursts was because I knew she was looking to get out of it and she wasn't being on the level with me. Not that she has to report to me about everything-- still, if I really am her best friend then she would have just told me, even if she feared that I would not take it well.
I mean, I have been frank and candid with her about my relationships with other girls, in person and in these pages. She told me that she doesn't like hearing about them, but it doesn't stop me from letting her know what is going on my life. It's not my fault that she couldn't bear to hear my thoughts about other women.
But when it's the other way around, it's different. Not knowing is what drives me crazy. However, now that I know it is official, I actually feel better because now I can focus on the things in my life I have been neglecting.
I can devote more time to the bands I'm in. I can start my own animation and finish up what's left on the project with Purple Paulie and Peter. I can finish my screenplay and put together a demo collection of my own songs. And now that I know she is out with another guy, I can stop obsessing over whether she is really seeing someone else or if she is just trying to make me jealous.
I have this weird code: I will always honor my exes-turned-platonic-friends' relationships. The minute they find someone else, I'm off the case. Maybe Eve knows this and was hesitant to say anything because she knows that it lessens her power over me.
But things are not quite better just yet. I still had a show to do last night with my other band, and I got mighty drunk. It was our first show and it went off without a hitch. People kept buying me drinks and by the time I got home I was ready to hurl.
Instead, I hurled a lengthy, rambling message onto Eve's voice mail, wherein I announced I was giving up music (not true) and stopping all creative efforts (also not true) if I couldn't have her. I meant them when I said them last night, right before I puked my guts out.
But now that I am sober, awake, and at my new job, I realize that it was just drunk talk.
The fact is, it's a beautiful day outside and I am doing better than I have been in a long time, both financially and socially. And now that Eve has paired up with someone else, I can actually see an upside to all of this.
Let's examine further the silver lining on this dark cloud.
*/*
Like I said, the new reason she gives is that I am emotionally unstable. Before that, it was because she thought I wanted to have a baby(!) and before that it was because I could do so much better than her and she was holding me back...
When the reasons for not wanting to be with me keep changing like the weather, I find it hard to believe them. Eve likes to say that she trusts no one, but I think she finds it hard to accept that I don't trust her either. So she would get mad when I would make snide comments about her seeing other people, and the reason why she got upset was because I was hitting the nail on the head.
Funny how she didn't seem to mind the policy towards snide comments when she was making intimations about me and some of my platonic female friends to my face.
She says she doesn't want anyone kissing her ass, but if you ask me that's exactly what she wants. If I ever bent to her will, it wasn't out of some groveling ass-kissing measure-- it was because I always got the same advice from my married friends and girlfriend-saddled peers regarding women.
The advice: "Even when you're right, you have to say that you're wrong"
That's hard for me to do. But for Eve, I would occasionally drop the gloves and let her have her way. She took this to mean that I have no spine.
Let her think it all she wants. I don't hold my emotions back with her so she probably thinks I'm a big pussy. I can see why. It can be unnerving to deal with someone who has a crying jag every month such as myself. Eve is the only person I cry with (or over) and I'm sure it puts a strain on her.
I inherited that unattractive trait from my father, who was nothing but a big ball of tears and misdirected woe during the post-divorce years.
However, my father's self-pity made me sick because he was the one who brought the calamity down not only upon himself but his family. It's hard to feel sorry for someone who engineered their own downfall, even if you love them. And when I became an unwitting victim to his inconsiderate actions, I began to hate him.
In my case, I am just a hyper-sensitive Romantic. But this morning instead of beating myself up about it, I realized that (unlike my father) I have actually stood up to Eve many times.
My father never once stood up to my mother, and there is a part of me that resents him still for his lack of confidence regarding her.
I love my mother very much, but I wish my father had been strong enough to put her in her place every once in a while. He never did. He let her walk all over him.
I may feel crappy about this Eve thing right now, but one thing's for certain: I didn't let her walk all over me.
I think back to last year around this time. It is almost identical to now. Eve was off trying to jump-start some romance with someone else, and I was on my own, seeing other girls and trying to forget about Eve.
The only difference is that I don't have anyone to distract me at the moment. But last year was a great lesson for me, because my sexual renaissance in the summer of 2005 was preceded by two or three God-awfully lonely months of being miserable and wondering what Eve was doing.
I think I am at the end of this year's bad cycle, and if the past has taught me anything it's that I am now on threshold of something new and exciting.
*/*
The true test of my strength, of course, is whether or not I can be friends with her now that we are separate.
That means that if things don't work out with this new guy and she comes running to me for some comfort, I have to not give in.
That means that I need to find someone to get my mind off of her pronto. It doesn't have to be anything meaningful, and I wouldn't use it as an opportunity to show Eve up.
It all has to do with the simple fact that a man can get over any heartbreak if there is another option in front of him readily available.
Does that sound shallow? I'm sure it does. But what's the alternative? Staying miserable? Pining away for something that's never going to happen? You tell me.
Last year, if Monique had not gone off to Virginia, I would've made the break from Eve and I would've been able to be friends with her without worrying about our attraction to each other. That's because I would've had someone else to relieve me of my stress (and quite possibly cause me a whole new set of problems).
It didn't work out like that. By the time Laurie and Daniel renewed their wedding vows last year, the two of us found ourselves working it out in the bedroom.
No doubt I will be labeled as 'bitter' by anyone who reads this or anyone who brings it up to me... and believe me, people will bring it up. They always do. I can go through entire conversations without bringing her up (mainly because I write about her so much that nothing needs to be actually said) and usually it falls upon the other person, who may be running out of things to talk about and figures that they'll strike oil by bringing her up to me.
I mean, no one ever asks me, "So, James, have you been seeing anyone else since you and Eve called it quits?"
No, they never ask that. Instead, they ask, "So, how are things with Eve?"
Then it falls upon me to be the one to make distinctions. "We're just friends. I've been seeing someone else, though. She's real great, she's--"
"Yeah, it's too bad. I always thought you and Eve were perfect for each other."
A pause from me. Then, I usually say, "Sure. Why not? But that's history. Next week I have a date with--"
"If you see her, tell her I said 'hi', okay?"
That usually causes me to think to myself, Fuck that-- why don't you tell her yourself? Anyway, you're probably going to look her up now that you know we're not together...
But I don't say that. I just think it. Instead, I say something like, "That's if I do see her again. You'll probably see her before I do, and she'll probably be with her new dude..."
That usually causes the topic of conversation to change quickly.
*/*
Listening to Snoop Dogg's first album, Doggystyle, was a blast from the past. It's been 13 years since this delicious platter dropped, and I recently bought a CD version at a garage sale for a dollar. I have the album on vinyl but rarely play it, and I need music for the car.
Something that's funny (or not, depending on your view of misogynistic rap lyrics) throughout the album is Snoop's declaration that he "never loved a hoe". He'll fuck a hoe in a heartbeat, but he won't love her. Lots of gangsters and wannabe pimps adopt this strategy, claiming success.
I guess I'm the same. I don't love hoes either. I'll fuck them, but I don't love them.
But for me, "hoe" doesn't mean "whore" or "slut"-- it just means some girl who tied you over for a spell. These girls never give me problems. They never come around again, and they never look back.
Sometimes, when I'm in a poetic mood, I will write a tribute to them, but that's about it. Occasionally I run into them, and they are doing fine.
I recall the time spent with them fondly. But I never loved them.
I can't say the same about Eve. That's what makes all of this so intense.
But I'll say this: Looking back on the early posts in this blog, I was tortured by not knowing what was going on with her. And now, there's a full circle here. There's the closure I always wanted.
We were apart. We came back together. We had a rendezvous that was short but (mostly) sweet. She had issues, I had issues.
But we're friends again, and she isn't with Dick anymore.
That's all that matters. When it comes to love, you have to remember what really matters.
Otherwise, you'll lose sight of your goals, and you'll fuck up in a big way.
Some people thought I was fucking up by getting mixed up with her again, but they didn't know-- and they'll never know --what had to be done, nor will they ever understand.
When I made contact with Eve again, I expected to share some words and say a long goodbye. A year and a half later, the long goodbye has turned into a promise that we'll see each other every now and then.
Coupled with a new job and a new outlook on life, I can't see how this can be bad.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
my astrological forecast for june 2006
Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
Your June Horoscope by Susan Miller
This month, a long-standing relationship will become the center of your focus. It appears you are thinking most about one personal, romantic relationship but alternatively, you might be trying to work out a business relationship. It appears that certain realities can no longer be ignored, and that you will have to come up with a more realistic plan for the future.
You may be faced with one of two scenarios.
The most probable situation is that you have not been getting along with your partner over the past year, and no matter what you have done to work things out, it seems almost nothing has helped.
If you are still together this month, despite past problems, you may have more challenges on the way. Now that Mars will enter your seventh house for a seven-week stay, you are likely to be faced with quite a bit of criticism. Mars' job is to bring up hidden resentments and to create a deeper level of honesty between two people.
Actually, lots of people in your life will have "helpful hints" for you in June and July, and although this will be annoying, you may actually benefit from something that one person says to you that never occurred to you before.
If you still love your partner and you suspect your partner wants to continue the relationship too, you may both decide to go into counseling. Or, if you feel you've talked enough, this month you may decide to separate or break up entirely, most likely by the end of July.
Love and other relationships are always a see-saw, and only when the downside predominates for an extended period of time do we feel a need to act. For some that could be a trial separation, while for others, a complete breakup.
Still, perception can be changeable, so keep an open mind if you feel you have any hope of staying together. With Mars in your seventh house, all sorts of truths are likely to surface. When your partner does voice a long-held grievance, you may find yourself saying, "I had no idea you felt that way!"
In the other possible scenario, it could be that you have been getting along beautifully as a couple, but it might be that your partner may have been dealing with a very stressful life situation. For example, your partner could have lost her or his job, started a new business, or lost a beloved parent. Or, your partner may be in the process of a residential move or has had to battle a serious illness. Any of these types of problems would rate a "10" on the pressure scale. If this is how Saturn's presence has asserted itself, you will be called on to help support your partner in a meaningful way.
If you are worried about the health or wellbeing of your partner, it may take some time for your beloved to come out of the woods - you can expect September 2007 to be the time. After that date, you seem less concerned with this situation. Sometimes it is helpful to know the end point.
In fewer cases - but still possible - it may be YOU that has been facing a terribly difficult life problem, like one of the ones listed above, and that you find almost no support from your partner (or anyone else for that matter). Dear Aquarius, I truly hope this is not the case for you.
With Saturn in the same seventh house of partnership, any remedy you come up with will take time to work out. Saturn won't leave this part of your chart until September 2007.
However, if you have a January birthday or one that falls in very early February, you are due to get relationship relief soon. You are nearly halfway through your Saturn cycle, as Saturn first entered this house in July 2005 and will leave next year. Saturn is not intent on hurting your feelings but rather will bring life lessons through relationships. A close tie brings both privileges and obligations, and these days you are probably very mindful of that reality.
For some, the lesson is to give more, for others, to ask for more. We are taught to love and give freely, which is the right thing to do, but we also need to expect loving feelings back. If you feel you have not been treated the way you expected, you will encounter relationship problems sooner or later.
Things won't likely reach a critical stage for early-born Aquarius (those with January birthdays) until the end of next month. That's when you will announce a plan, on the new moon July 25 and the days that follow.
If you are single and have no close romantic relationship, nor any business alliance that might apply, you won't feel this trend that I just described.
In that case, let's look at YOUR romantic prospects now. If you are single, you have two exciting cosmic developments in June that could change your single status by helping you find that special someone you'd like to know better.
The first aspect actually already arrived late last month, May 27, the new moon in your fifth house of true love. If you had hoped to meet new romantic partners, that new moon would be your friend. A new moon will always bring two weeks of powerful energy.
If you are attached and want a baby, that new moon of May 27 will work to help you conceive. If you are serious about having a baby, have a talk with your partner and doctor (if you have been having problems). You will need to act very soon!
If you were you born on January 24, or within five days of this date, you will benefit through all the activities of that new moon that appeared on May 27.
The second upbeat development for all Aquarius in the love department will be the move of Venus into Gemini. This will be a fabulous placement for you, to extend from June 23 until July 18.
Gemini rules your solar fifth house of true love, so Venus will give you a kind of alluring charm that will allow you to draw others easily to you. Everything about Venus is always silky and smooth - unlike Mars, which is feisty and sometimes even belligerent - you will see that finding new people will suddenly become much easier! Of course, you will have to do your part! Look your very best and be out there! Gemini is the sign of twins, so you may find TWO new people to date, all at once!
The full moon on the weekend of June 10 - 11 will be a humdinger, for it will be quite social. It earns four stars from me! This weekend should put you in the center of many happy people with a very festive event. You might go to a wedding, graduation party, reunion, or other fabulous party. Or, you may visit an amusement park or baseball game.
Venus will be in fine form over that weekend, sending your ruler, Uranus, a happy missive on Saturday, June 10. Neptune will be in gorgeous angle to the Sun too, adding to the lyrical, poetic tone of the weekend. Look at the invitations you receive - if it is for June 10 or 11, it is a "must do!"
I should also add that the full moon technically falls on June 11, but you may feel the results as early as June 7 and as late as June 15.
If you were born on or within five days of February 9, you will benefit most from this full moon.
Your best date nights include June 10, 11, 12, 23, and 24.
It will also be very important to take good care of your health too, as Saturn is probably draining you of quite a bit of energy. Dear Aquarius, get as much sleep as you can! If necessary, see a doctor, as you may be anemic or simply in dire need of extra sleep. (This is a very common occurrence when Saturn is opposed to the Sun, which was operative in the second half of 2005 and all of 2006, and will be during most of 2007.)
While you are busy having your medical tests, you might want a bone scan too, as you may be suffering from too little calcium. The latter is fairly easy for your doctor to solve, if you should find this to be true for you. Finally, you should also check in with a dentist, as there could be problems with teeth. I know - I will stop! Enough about Saturn!
Financially, you may have a tough day coming on June 5, plus or minus one day. On that day, the Sun and Uranus will be at odds - it may cheer you to know just about everyone will have some sort of jolting news, in some area of their life, on this day. Yours will be purely financial.
Someone or something seems to cause a black hole to appear in your budget, and naturally, you won't be one bit happy about it. It's something you would not be able to protect yourself from, as it will come up unexpectedly. It's possible that you will need to spend far more than you intended on socializing or even on a dear little child. (If it's for your child, well, it probably will be worth it!)
A day that will counter this one will come one week later, on Monday, June 12. On this day Mercury and Uranus will work beautifully together, and that will add up to one amazing day for financial success. If you are self-employed, the phone is sure to ring off the hook for your services! Self-employed or not, this is a day that is likely to bring superb financial news.
It will be vital that you work quickly and efficiently this month. Keep two things in mind. First, Uranus, your ruler, is about to go retrograde on June 19, to stay in that mode five months, until November 20.
From June 19 onward, you will do best by centering your attention on projects and people you have already have in your life. After November 20, you can resume your pioneering efforts in new territory.
As humans, we usually like to hear about everything that is new, but with Uranus retrograde, the new areas aren't going to be where the golden nugget lies - it's in the associations and projects that lie in your past or present (but not future). Go back to old projects and polish them up. November 2006 will be your most exciting career month of the year, and the projects you are working on now will be examined closely then, when you are up for your big, prestigious new job! Do your best!
There is another reason to work quickly in the start of June and to have everything wrapped up and shipped out soon. Next month, Mercury will be retrograde from July 4 to 29, and that will create many slowdowns in July.
You will be confronted with indecisive people and many reasons to redo work you've already handed in, echoing a theme that Uranus will begin a little earlier, from June 19 onward. Still, you will have the time to make the project more viable and professional, and as said, everything you are doing is about to count for something big later in the year.
Home is also about to get a big boost. With Venus moving through your residential and property sector from the start of the month until June 23, you'll feel like making changes to make your space look more current and stylish.
Good idea - doing so will be great therapy while you work out relationship dilemmas going on in the background. Little improvements may make a big difference too: Your closet may need reorganization, or the walls a new coat of paint, or your bed may need to be upgraded with crisp new linens and new goose down pillows. Apply your decorating skills during the first ten days of June, when your ideas will be strongest.
Insofar as your career is concerned, you are still riding high! Indeed, this year is turning out to be one of your very best! Each month you become even more golden to higher ups, and you have batted one home run right after another!
This month, you have Jupiter, glittering at the very pinnacle point in your chart, filling your house of honors, awards, and achievement. Jupiter is the planet of good luck and happiness and will beam an important ray to Uranus, now in your house of earned income, and to Mercury, planet of news, now in your house of new work assignments. This sets up a gorgeous, lucky situation for you, for work assignments / money earned / and success and applause achieved will all be linked! You are about to wow the powers that be!
On top of this you have a new moon, June 25, so that's when the pace at the office will pick up quite a bit. All sorts of changes could take place - a new assignment, new recruits, or a move into a new office. Pay special attention to all that you do now, for you seem to have captured the eye of the big VIP or client, and you are being groomed for even more!
This same new moon, June 25, would be excellent for getting into better shape. Start your new workout routine on or just after June 25 and in the two weeks that follow that date. If you do, you'll have designed a routine that you'll enjoy for the rest of the year. It's exciting to see results, so ask your trainer for advice on a program that she feels will work best for you.
The month will end on a VERY happy note, thanks to a beam between good fortune planet Jupiter and the mighty Sun on Friday, June 30. Your creativity will be lauded on that day, or the day before that (June 29), and you'll rightly be proud of what develops. If you've been waiting for the green light on a proposal for a creative venture, this would be the day it would likely come through. You may get some amazing publicity, too! Expect the BEST!
Summary
A long-standing relationship seems to be a source of woe, but you appear to be quite determined to make it work nevertheless. While your loyalty is admirable, be sure the person you seem to be so focused on deserves your undying support.
Things may reach the height of frustration as you edge closer to mid-month and the meeting of Mars and Saturn on June 18. This relationship appears to be romantic in nature, but not necessarily so - it could be your agent, publicist, or other business partner / collaborator who is causing you angst. How you handle things will determine your relationship's future.
If you have no romantic or business partnership in your life, you may not feel the effects of what I have described this month in your report, but you will notice that most people will need to be convinced of the merits of whatever you are presenting - more so than usual. You may also be given more criticism, but try to take it all with the thought that maybe you will learn something you can use.
A big social event appears to be on your agenda over the weekend of the full moon, June 10 and 11 - it should be glorious! With Venus sending a wink to surprise-a-minute Uranus (the planet that rules your sign), you will have no trouble being the belle of the ball. The full moon will bring you in contact with many loving friends and allow you to enjoy a bit of luxurious pampering. Wear something you feel very good in, for all eyes will be on you. This event might be industry-oriented, but even so, while you raise your standing, you'll still have a lot of fun doing so!
You will also benefit from the tour of Venus through Gemini, in your house of fun and love from June 23 for approximately four weeks. It's a great time to go out and see what the world has to offer. If there is any sign that deserves to have a LOT more fun, it's YOU!
On June 23, your office life will beat to a quicker tempo. You may get a new assignment, or you may be approved to hire helpers. You may even get new computers or software to make your job easier. Something about your main working area appears to be improving. Do a good job because what you do will have "legs" to position you for an even better job in November.
Creatively you will hit a high point on June 29 or 30 when Jupiter and the Sun collaborate to help you turn out an idea or finished product that will get you much kudos.
As you see, while you are likely to see relationship turbulence this month, you also will have lots of good aspects working for you too, especially in the career realm. And although money may bring jarring news on June 5, it is likely to bring great news on June 12.
Keep moving forward, dear Aquarius. You are a true example of grace under pressure. You have inspired many people around you and you are becoming stronger with each passing day. All the work you are doing in your life now will add up to a happier life later.
Your June Horoscope by Susan Miller
This month, a long-standing relationship will become the center of your focus. It appears you are thinking most about one personal, romantic relationship but alternatively, you might be trying to work out a business relationship. It appears that certain realities can no longer be ignored, and that you will have to come up with a more realistic plan for the future.
You may be faced with one of two scenarios.
The most probable situation is that you have not been getting along with your partner over the past year, and no matter what you have done to work things out, it seems almost nothing has helped.
If you are still together this month, despite past problems, you may have more challenges on the way. Now that Mars will enter your seventh house for a seven-week stay, you are likely to be faced with quite a bit of criticism. Mars' job is to bring up hidden resentments and to create a deeper level of honesty between two people.
Actually, lots of people in your life will have "helpful hints" for you in June and July, and although this will be annoying, you may actually benefit from something that one person says to you that never occurred to you before.
If you still love your partner and you suspect your partner wants to continue the relationship too, you may both decide to go into counseling. Or, if you feel you've talked enough, this month you may decide to separate or break up entirely, most likely by the end of July.
Love and other relationships are always a see-saw, and only when the downside predominates for an extended period of time do we feel a need to act. For some that could be a trial separation, while for others, a complete breakup.
Still, perception can be changeable, so keep an open mind if you feel you have any hope of staying together. With Mars in your seventh house, all sorts of truths are likely to surface. When your partner does voice a long-held grievance, you may find yourself saying, "I had no idea you felt that way!"
In the other possible scenario, it could be that you have been getting along beautifully as a couple, but it might be that your partner may have been dealing with a very stressful life situation. For example, your partner could have lost her or his job, started a new business, or lost a beloved parent. Or, your partner may be in the process of a residential move or has had to battle a serious illness. Any of these types of problems would rate a "10" on the pressure scale. If this is how Saturn's presence has asserted itself, you will be called on to help support your partner in a meaningful way.
If you are worried about the health or wellbeing of your partner, it may take some time for your beloved to come out of the woods - you can expect September 2007 to be the time. After that date, you seem less concerned with this situation. Sometimes it is helpful to know the end point.
In fewer cases - but still possible - it may be YOU that has been facing a terribly difficult life problem, like one of the ones listed above, and that you find almost no support from your partner (or anyone else for that matter). Dear Aquarius, I truly hope this is not the case for you.
With Saturn in the same seventh house of partnership, any remedy you come up with will take time to work out. Saturn won't leave this part of your chart until September 2007.
However, if you have a January birthday or one that falls in very early February, you are due to get relationship relief soon. You are nearly halfway through your Saturn cycle, as Saturn first entered this house in July 2005 and will leave next year. Saturn is not intent on hurting your feelings but rather will bring life lessons through relationships. A close tie brings both privileges and obligations, and these days you are probably very mindful of that reality.
For some, the lesson is to give more, for others, to ask for more. We are taught to love and give freely, which is the right thing to do, but we also need to expect loving feelings back. If you feel you have not been treated the way you expected, you will encounter relationship problems sooner or later.
Things won't likely reach a critical stage for early-born Aquarius (those with January birthdays) until the end of next month. That's when you will announce a plan, on the new moon July 25 and the days that follow.
If you are single and have no close romantic relationship, nor any business alliance that might apply, you won't feel this trend that I just described.
In that case, let's look at YOUR romantic prospects now. If you are single, you have two exciting cosmic developments in June that could change your single status by helping you find that special someone you'd like to know better.
The first aspect actually already arrived late last month, May 27, the new moon in your fifth house of true love. If you had hoped to meet new romantic partners, that new moon would be your friend. A new moon will always bring two weeks of powerful energy.
If you are attached and want a baby, that new moon of May 27 will work to help you conceive. If you are serious about having a baby, have a talk with your partner and doctor (if you have been having problems). You will need to act very soon!
If you were you born on January 24, or within five days of this date, you will benefit through all the activities of that new moon that appeared on May 27.
The second upbeat development for all Aquarius in the love department will be the move of Venus into Gemini. This will be a fabulous placement for you, to extend from June 23 until July 18.
Gemini rules your solar fifth house of true love, so Venus will give you a kind of alluring charm that will allow you to draw others easily to you. Everything about Venus is always silky and smooth - unlike Mars, which is feisty and sometimes even belligerent - you will see that finding new people will suddenly become much easier! Of course, you will have to do your part! Look your very best and be out there! Gemini is the sign of twins, so you may find TWO new people to date, all at once!
The full moon on the weekend of June 10 - 11 will be a humdinger, for it will be quite social. It earns four stars from me! This weekend should put you in the center of many happy people with a very festive event. You might go to a wedding, graduation party, reunion, or other fabulous party. Or, you may visit an amusement park or baseball game.
Venus will be in fine form over that weekend, sending your ruler, Uranus, a happy missive on Saturday, June 10. Neptune will be in gorgeous angle to the Sun too, adding to the lyrical, poetic tone of the weekend. Look at the invitations you receive - if it is for June 10 or 11, it is a "must do!"
I should also add that the full moon technically falls on June 11, but you may feel the results as early as June 7 and as late as June 15.
If you were born on or within five days of February 9, you will benefit most from this full moon.
Your best date nights include June 10, 11, 12, 23, and 24.
It will also be very important to take good care of your health too, as Saturn is probably draining you of quite a bit of energy. Dear Aquarius, get as much sleep as you can! If necessary, see a doctor, as you may be anemic or simply in dire need of extra sleep. (This is a very common occurrence when Saturn is opposed to the Sun, which was operative in the second half of 2005 and all of 2006, and will be during most of 2007.)
While you are busy having your medical tests, you might want a bone scan too, as you may be suffering from too little calcium. The latter is fairly easy for your doctor to solve, if you should find this to be true for you. Finally, you should also check in with a dentist, as there could be problems with teeth. I know - I will stop! Enough about Saturn!
Financially, you may have a tough day coming on June 5, plus or minus one day. On that day, the Sun and Uranus will be at odds - it may cheer you to know just about everyone will have some sort of jolting news, in some area of their life, on this day. Yours will be purely financial.
Someone or something seems to cause a black hole to appear in your budget, and naturally, you won't be one bit happy about it. It's something you would not be able to protect yourself from, as it will come up unexpectedly. It's possible that you will need to spend far more than you intended on socializing or even on a dear little child. (If it's for your child, well, it probably will be worth it!)
A day that will counter this one will come one week later, on Monday, June 12. On this day Mercury and Uranus will work beautifully together, and that will add up to one amazing day for financial success. If you are self-employed, the phone is sure to ring off the hook for your services! Self-employed or not, this is a day that is likely to bring superb financial news.
It will be vital that you work quickly and efficiently this month. Keep two things in mind. First, Uranus, your ruler, is about to go retrograde on June 19, to stay in that mode five months, until November 20.
From June 19 onward, you will do best by centering your attention on projects and people you have already have in your life. After November 20, you can resume your pioneering efforts in new territory.
As humans, we usually like to hear about everything that is new, but with Uranus retrograde, the new areas aren't going to be where the golden nugget lies - it's in the associations and projects that lie in your past or present (but not future). Go back to old projects and polish them up. November 2006 will be your most exciting career month of the year, and the projects you are working on now will be examined closely then, when you are up for your big, prestigious new job! Do your best!
There is another reason to work quickly in the start of June and to have everything wrapped up and shipped out soon. Next month, Mercury will be retrograde from July 4 to 29, and that will create many slowdowns in July.
You will be confronted with indecisive people and many reasons to redo work you've already handed in, echoing a theme that Uranus will begin a little earlier, from June 19 onward. Still, you will have the time to make the project more viable and professional, and as said, everything you are doing is about to count for something big later in the year.
Home is also about to get a big boost. With Venus moving through your residential and property sector from the start of the month until June 23, you'll feel like making changes to make your space look more current and stylish.
Good idea - doing so will be great therapy while you work out relationship dilemmas going on in the background. Little improvements may make a big difference too: Your closet may need reorganization, or the walls a new coat of paint, or your bed may need to be upgraded with crisp new linens and new goose down pillows. Apply your decorating skills during the first ten days of June, when your ideas will be strongest.
Insofar as your career is concerned, you are still riding high! Indeed, this year is turning out to be one of your very best! Each month you become even more golden to higher ups, and you have batted one home run right after another!
This month, you have Jupiter, glittering at the very pinnacle point in your chart, filling your house of honors, awards, and achievement. Jupiter is the planet of good luck and happiness and will beam an important ray to Uranus, now in your house of earned income, and to Mercury, planet of news, now in your house of new work assignments. This sets up a gorgeous, lucky situation for you, for work assignments / money earned / and success and applause achieved will all be linked! You are about to wow the powers that be!
On top of this you have a new moon, June 25, so that's when the pace at the office will pick up quite a bit. All sorts of changes could take place - a new assignment, new recruits, or a move into a new office. Pay special attention to all that you do now, for you seem to have captured the eye of the big VIP or client, and you are being groomed for even more!
This same new moon, June 25, would be excellent for getting into better shape. Start your new workout routine on or just after June 25 and in the two weeks that follow that date. If you do, you'll have designed a routine that you'll enjoy for the rest of the year. It's exciting to see results, so ask your trainer for advice on a program that she feels will work best for you.
The month will end on a VERY happy note, thanks to a beam between good fortune planet Jupiter and the mighty Sun on Friday, June 30. Your creativity will be lauded on that day, or the day before that (June 29), and you'll rightly be proud of what develops. If you've been waiting for the green light on a proposal for a creative venture, this would be the day it would likely come through. You may get some amazing publicity, too! Expect the BEST!
Summary
A long-standing relationship seems to be a source of woe, but you appear to be quite determined to make it work nevertheless. While your loyalty is admirable, be sure the person you seem to be so focused on deserves your undying support.
Things may reach the height of frustration as you edge closer to mid-month and the meeting of Mars and Saturn on June 18. This relationship appears to be romantic in nature, but not necessarily so - it could be your agent, publicist, or other business partner / collaborator who is causing you angst. How you handle things will determine your relationship's future.
If you have no romantic or business partnership in your life, you may not feel the effects of what I have described this month in your report, but you will notice that most people will need to be convinced of the merits of whatever you are presenting - more so than usual. You may also be given more criticism, but try to take it all with the thought that maybe you will learn something you can use.
A big social event appears to be on your agenda over the weekend of the full moon, June 10 and 11 - it should be glorious! With Venus sending a wink to surprise-a-minute Uranus (the planet that rules your sign), you will have no trouble being the belle of the ball. The full moon will bring you in contact with many loving friends and allow you to enjoy a bit of luxurious pampering. Wear something you feel very good in, for all eyes will be on you. This event might be industry-oriented, but even so, while you raise your standing, you'll still have a lot of fun doing so!
You will also benefit from the tour of Venus through Gemini, in your house of fun and love from June 23 for approximately four weeks. It's a great time to go out and see what the world has to offer. If there is any sign that deserves to have a LOT more fun, it's YOU!
On June 23, your office life will beat to a quicker tempo. You may get a new assignment, or you may be approved to hire helpers. You may even get new computers or software to make your job easier. Something about your main working area appears to be improving. Do a good job because what you do will have "legs" to position you for an even better job in November.
Creatively you will hit a high point on June 29 or 30 when Jupiter and the Sun collaborate to help you turn out an idea or finished product that will get you much kudos.
As you see, while you are likely to see relationship turbulence this month, you also will have lots of good aspects working for you too, especially in the career realm. And although money may bring jarring news on June 5, it is likely to bring great news on June 12.
Keep moving forward, dear Aquarius. You are a true example of grace under pressure. You have inspired many people around you and you are becoming stronger with each passing day. All the work you are doing in your life now will add up to a happier life later.
Monday, June 12, 2006
disappointment
for Howard Hughes
All of the world's idiocies
hold me back
keep me in place
arms tied back &
belts fastened around
my waist...
That bitter taste on my
tongue?
The residue of dreams
crushed
when I was much younger...
The pain touched upon
again & again...
Reliving the rejection
sends me into isolation
self-imposed exile
permanent concentration...
I put my blinders on
not only to focus
but to escape...
All of the world's idiocies
hold me back
keep me in place
arms tied back &
belts fastened around
my waist...
That bitter taste on my
tongue?
The residue of dreams
crushed
when I was much younger...
The pain touched upon
again & again...
Reliving the rejection
sends me into isolation
self-imposed exile
permanent concentration...
I put my blinders on
not only to focus
but to escape...
Monday, June 05, 2006
this is it (three years gone)
After the end of today, I will be working another job. I won't have the time that I used to have, so the blogging will be sporadic at best.
However, if I get a routine going I can always blog after work at the library, before going home. If it means that much to me then yes I will do that.
I realized a year into this gig that even with all the free time to do what I wanted during work hours, two factors always disrupted my flow:
1) Imagine trying to create something and someone (mate, spouse, friend, neighbor, etc) kept calling you every fifteen minutes to talk for one minute. After a while, you will not get very far because your momentum is constantly sapped-- that's what it was like working here. I stopped trying to do anything long-term because I never got anywhere as long as I had to contend with the traffic report every fifteen minutes. Blogging was the perfect activity to indulge in because I could step away for a few minutes and get back into the flow relatively easy... not so with other projects.
2) The nagging suspicion that I am wasting company time and resources was never lost on me. After a while I felt downright guilty, only because no one ever complained about my sitting here doing nothing. Even when I got into trouble concerning my stalker, I came away with a slap on the wrist. My internet privileges were never taken away and no restrictive measures were taken against me.
I became very accustomed to doing this job: waking up after 10am, stumbling into work anywhere between noon and 2:30pm, working from 3pm to 7:45pm, unless there was a soccer or baseball game wherein I would leave a few hours early and get paid salary on top of that.
Sounds nice, you may be saying to yourself, but I call it a rut. I know ruts when I am in them, and this is a rut and a half.
Plus, the money situation has not improved my standing so I have to bid adieu.
I just realized that, prior to the end of 2002, I was pretty much internet illiterate. In the past three and a half years, I have made up for lots of time. By the time I was working here at the radio station in May of 2003, I was blogging like there was no tomorrow and making friends all over the world.
Then I managed to get too into it, like I always do, and in the process I hurt some feelings, made some cyber-enemies, and generally ran through an interesting gamut of technology-related emotions.
I also learned a hell of a lot, and I turned my life around from being unemployed and pitiful to being gainfully employed and pitiful.
I regret accidentally losing my archives from the first blog, but something tells me that I am all the better for it. There was a demonic evil embedded in those entries. The only times I was gentle was when I was writing about music and women.
Fortunately, I saved a few items in those veins by having them printed up, and maybe one day I will incorporate them into something. I definitely have the material for another novel if I so desire to shape the blog entries into something linear.
I send thanks and shout outs to Zen Master, Sahalie, Fishfry, Tim, Violet Butcher, Blue 59, Glutterbug, Blousy Drake, Bridget, Wiley, Grumpy Girl, Clay Sails, The Blogger Formerly Known As Hometown Unicorn, Eternity (aka Butterscotch) and anyone else who joined me at some point on this remarkable foray into online journalism.
The past three years have been quite the learning experience. From writing for an East Coast college website to having a plethora of My Space profiles; from trolling in right-wing conservative chat rooms to flaming out on certain free forums; from not knowing what Photoshop was to learning how to design my own website, I have come a long way in the span of three years.
I wonder what the next era has for me. I can't help but wonder what the future holds. In order to get some perspective on it, I looked into what I was doing a year ago. Normally I'd link to it but firstly there is no June 5th 2005 entry; secondly, the blogs I was posting around the 3th and the 7th were short bursts, merely some links to (outdated) sources or in this case a recitation of some Bob Dylan lyrics:
"Gentlemen", he said,
"I don't need your organization, I've shined your shoes,
I've moved your mountains and marked your cards
But Eden is burning, either brace yourself for elimination
Or else your hearts must have the courage for the changing of the guards..."
Peace will come
With tranquility and splendor on the wheels of fire
But will bring us no reward when her false idols fall
And cruel death surrenders with its pale ghost retreating
Between the King and the Queen of Swords.
--"The Changing Of The Guard"
There's a hint of Tarot imagery in those lyrics. I guess I was going through another set of transformations at the time. What's funny is when I read the first entry of the post-archival-loss blog...
After reading it again, it seems to me like I should've just quit right then and there. I would've come out ahead, instead of watching my regular readership dwindle thanks to my cyber-beefs and my refusal to write about anything outside of my own solipsistic sphere of influence.
That's my big problem, people: I never know when to call it quits. I always linger too long, sticking around until a bitter taste develops in my mouth. This job would've been the same if I hadn't decided to bail out-- eventually they would've phased out my position, and even if I stayed on I would have to contend with a daily commute to Anaheim that I would NEVER be prepared to do.
So I guess that I am doing good by jumping off the bandwagon now. I feel like I am taking a huge risk, but in the past I have always felt that it was the times when I should've risked it all and didn't that haunt me.
I left the first radio gig with this in mind, but when the job I left it for didn't pan out, instead of looking for new work I went back to the old job. That was my biggest mistake...
So now I know that, no matter what happens with this new job, I cannot go back to this old one and expect things to be the same. They will not, no matter how hard I try to rationalize.
Whatever I do from this point on, I have to look forward and not backward.
Thank you all for your support. I apologize for any times when I may have made you feel small, or any times when my writing disgusted and/or repelled you. Writing is therapy for me, and sometimes it gets ugly... I'm sorry some of you had to read some of these sentiments expressed here. I am also glad that some of you read and commented on the better posts.
You were all witnesses to near-daily exorcisms of my soul. It was always intense, no matter what I was writing about.
I don't feel so scared about the future now. This past weekend I panicked slightly until I realized that I am just shedding another skin, and what scares me is that I have a lot of changes to make.
I know I need to makes these changes. It is never easy to force the change, but if I must then I must.
This is not the end. It is sort of a new beginning, but only in the sense that a new chapter is waiting to be written. Nothing, other than my 9 to 5, is really ending.
It just keeps going on and on and on.
Have a nice life, friends and peers.
However, if I get a routine going I can always blog after work at the library, before going home. If it means that much to me then yes I will do that.
I realized a year into this gig that even with all the free time to do what I wanted during work hours, two factors always disrupted my flow:
1) Imagine trying to create something and someone (mate, spouse, friend, neighbor, etc) kept calling you every fifteen minutes to talk for one minute. After a while, you will not get very far because your momentum is constantly sapped-- that's what it was like working here. I stopped trying to do anything long-term because I never got anywhere as long as I had to contend with the traffic report every fifteen minutes. Blogging was the perfect activity to indulge in because I could step away for a few minutes and get back into the flow relatively easy... not so with other projects.
2) The nagging suspicion that I am wasting company time and resources was never lost on me. After a while I felt downright guilty, only because no one ever complained about my sitting here doing nothing. Even when I got into trouble concerning my stalker, I came away with a slap on the wrist. My internet privileges were never taken away and no restrictive measures were taken against me.
I became very accustomed to doing this job: waking up after 10am, stumbling into work anywhere between noon and 2:30pm, working from 3pm to 7:45pm, unless there was a soccer or baseball game wherein I would leave a few hours early and get paid salary on top of that.
Sounds nice, you may be saying to yourself, but I call it a rut. I know ruts when I am in them, and this is a rut and a half.
Plus, the money situation has not improved my standing so I have to bid adieu.
I just realized that, prior to the end of 2002, I was pretty much internet illiterate. In the past three and a half years, I have made up for lots of time. By the time I was working here at the radio station in May of 2003, I was blogging like there was no tomorrow and making friends all over the world.
Then I managed to get too into it, like I always do, and in the process I hurt some feelings, made some cyber-enemies, and generally ran through an interesting gamut of technology-related emotions.
I also learned a hell of a lot, and I turned my life around from being unemployed and pitiful to being gainfully employed and pitiful.
I regret accidentally losing my archives from the first blog, but something tells me that I am all the better for it. There was a demonic evil embedded in those entries. The only times I was gentle was when I was writing about music and women.
Fortunately, I saved a few items in those veins by having them printed up, and maybe one day I will incorporate them into something. I definitely have the material for another novel if I so desire to shape the blog entries into something linear.
I send thanks and shout outs to Zen Master, Sahalie, Fishfry, Tim, Violet Butcher, Blue 59, Glutterbug, Blousy Drake, Bridget, Wiley, Grumpy Girl, Clay Sails, The Blogger Formerly Known As Hometown Unicorn, Eternity (aka Butterscotch) and anyone else who joined me at some point on this remarkable foray into online journalism.
The past three years have been quite the learning experience. From writing for an East Coast college website to having a plethora of My Space profiles; from trolling in right-wing conservative chat rooms to flaming out on certain free forums; from not knowing what Photoshop was to learning how to design my own website, I have come a long way in the span of three years.
I wonder what the next era has for me. I can't help but wonder what the future holds. In order to get some perspective on it, I looked into what I was doing a year ago. Normally I'd link to it but firstly there is no June 5th 2005 entry; secondly, the blogs I was posting around the 3th and the 7th were short bursts, merely some links to (outdated) sources or in this case a recitation of some Bob Dylan lyrics:
"Gentlemen", he said,
"I don't need your organization, I've shined your shoes,
I've moved your mountains and marked your cards
But Eden is burning, either brace yourself for elimination
Or else your hearts must have the courage for the changing of the guards..."
Peace will come
With tranquility and splendor on the wheels of fire
But will bring us no reward when her false idols fall
And cruel death surrenders with its pale ghost retreating
Between the King and the Queen of Swords.
--"The Changing Of The Guard"
There's a hint of Tarot imagery in those lyrics. I guess I was going through another set of transformations at the time. What's funny is when I read the first entry of the post-archival-loss blog...
After reading it again, it seems to me like I should've just quit right then and there. I would've come out ahead, instead of watching my regular readership dwindle thanks to my cyber-beefs and my refusal to write about anything outside of my own solipsistic sphere of influence.
That's my big problem, people: I never know when to call it quits. I always linger too long, sticking around until a bitter taste develops in my mouth. This job would've been the same if I hadn't decided to bail out-- eventually they would've phased out my position, and even if I stayed on I would have to contend with a daily commute to Anaheim that I would NEVER be prepared to do.
So I guess that I am doing good by jumping off the bandwagon now. I feel like I am taking a huge risk, but in the past I have always felt that it was the times when I should've risked it all and didn't that haunt me.
I left the first radio gig with this in mind, but when the job I left it for didn't pan out, instead of looking for new work I went back to the old job. That was my biggest mistake...
So now I know that, no matter what happens with this new job, I cannot go back to this old one and expect things to be the same. They will not, no matter how hard I try to rationalize.
Whatever I do from this point on, I have to look forward and not backward.
Thank you all for your support. I apologize for any times when I may have made you feel small, or any times when my writing disgusted and/or repelled you. Writing is therapy for me, and sometimes it gets ugly... I'm sorry some of you had to read some of these sentiments expressed here. I am also glad that some of you read and commented on the better posts.
You were all witnesses to near-daily exorcisms of my soul. It was always intense, no matter what I was writing about.
I don't feel so scared about the future now. This past weekend I panicked slightly until I realized that I am just shedding another skin, and what scares me is that I have a lot of changes to make.
I know I need to makes these changes. It is never easy to force the change, but if I must then I must.
This is not the end. It is sort of a new beginning, but only in the sense that a new chapter is waiting to be written. Nothing, other than my 9 to 5, is really ending.
It just keeps going on and on and on.
Have a nice life, friends and peers.
Friday, June 02, 2006
vignette sandwiches
cold turkey
I paced nervously-- there really is only one way to pace, and that's nervously.
I kept thinking about getting a fix. I could call the connection and get a small amount to tie me over until the next time I am in need...
Sweating, smoking my cigarette at a banshee's keel, anxious and agitated... The night is going by too slowly...
I tossed and turned and twisted in my bed, doubling over in pain. Tears were swelling in the pockets of my eyelids. I agonized silently for an indefinite span of time.
I made another phone call. Left a message, a desperate cry for help. I was out of luck. Tonight I will have to get through this bare-knuckled...
Eventually I fell asleep. It was a sleeper's sleep, one for the angels.
In the morning I woke up and made a call to my connection.
"Hey, what's up?"
"How are you?"
"Better. Sorry about yesterday. I was drunk."
"Oh, I see... that explains it." She laughed.
"Yeah, I know..." I said, sheepishly.
"I'm on my way to my mom's house. We'll be ready to go very soon. Finally got all of my stuff done and my bags packed."
"You're coming back on Monday?"
"Yeah, Monday. I'll see you then."
"Have fun on the cruise."
"Thanks. Have a great weekend."
"I'll try."
Now that she's out of town, she is out of mind. But until that morning phone call, I was some sort of a nervous wreck. I was cracking up, perhaps equating her vacation with abandonment fears. We are still not dating but with all the transitions I've been making lately I feel like I am losing control over so many things, and she is one of them.
But now... I am breathing easier. I am not so upset.
I wonder why that is.
*/*
dead milkmen
Whenever I'm bummed out and feeling loser-ish, I put on a Dead Milkmen CD and just rock out. They were never a particularly good band, nor were they consistently weird or funny enough to be freaky. But I liked their collective heart.
They were once described as being "gleefully nihilistic", and with song titles such as "Life Is Shit" and "Takin' Retards To The Zoo" I guess that wouldn't be too far gone a description of them.
Their biggest hit was the song "Punk Rock Girl", a goofy and ragtag mix of Cajun accordian and grunge-rock guitar twang set to a fast tempo and punctured by snotty, stoner-dumb lyrics. Incredibly catchy, that "Punk Rock Girl"... If you haven't heard it before then try and find a copy of their finest album, Beelzebubba.
Anyway, so I've been bluesing it up lately and I put on Beelzebubba and rocked out. And then when I got to the radio station yesterday I looked them up on Wikipedia. I was surprised to learn that only two years ago the Dead Milkmen bass player committed suicide.
Weird... and somehow poignant, because now their songs have an edge of sadness and tragedy that they never indulged in with their music. They were content to be semi-anonymous clowns making strange ditties about backyards lizards and bitchin' Camaros. That worked to their disadvantage, making their music something you pulled out for certain moods and specific people only.
Now, there is something a little bit more universal about their music. It no longer seems confined to some esoteric pop cultural trivia realm. A death hitting close to home has opened up their albums in a way it was unwilling to do when they were a group. Knowing that the quiet, polite and (relatively) most normal member of the band was torn apart inside gives a song like "Death's Alright With Me" a little bit of perspective:
Death's alright with me
When it's on TV
Death's alright with me
How funny it can be (ha ha)
Death's alright with me
It's a chance to grow
Death's alright with me
Put me on death row
They're bleak lyrics on the surface, until you hear them with the accompanying music: upbeat, sunny major chords, sloppy haphazard production values... Hardly the funeral dirge you'd expect from the somber words above.
I went out and bought a copy of the Milkmen's Big Lizard In My Backyard, along with a copy of Fugazi's Repeater. The Milkmen purchase is a tribute, and the Fugazi purchase is... well, because they were always so damned serious about not selling out.
I totally respect that.
*/*
anger
I've been chomping at the bit, hungry for some music action. May was spent cutting down on my musical exploits-- no gigs, very little rehearsing, relaxing and getting ready to make the job switch.
June is here, with a debut gig on the way and another gig with the band I've been in for almost a year now. I rehearsed Wednesday night and last night, and will rehearse tonight as well. I am getting some of my residual angst and anger out by playing my ass off with these groups.
Speaking of anger, I heard that song "Rise" by PiL on the radio, the one with the chorus "May the road rise with you" repeated over and over. There's that one killer line in it: "ANGER IS AN ENERGY!"
Johnny Lydon's voice, so petulant, so embittered, so truculent.
I have been really angry lately, because I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick concerning everything: friends, family, relationships, finances, hobbies... I feel like I am entitled to something but I can't figure out what it is.
Rather than flail away at imaginary straw villains, I think I will try and channel all that rage and hatred into something that will serve me well. Maybe that's what I need to do, instead of stewing in my own biases and fears.
I am the chameleon, changing skins once again.
Your time has come
Your second skin
The cost so high
The gain so low
Walk through the valley
THE WRITTEN WORD IS A LIE
Thank you, Johnny, for that vivid reminder. I sometimes forget that this world is constantly in flux, rife with impermanence.
Today is the second to last day here at this gig. Monday is the last day, and after that... Who knows? Maybe I'll be blogging, maybe I won't.
Have a beautiful weekend, people.
I paced nervously-- there really is only one way to pace, and that's nervously.
I kept thinking about getting a fix. I could call the connection and get a small amount to tie me over until the next time I am in need...
Sweating, smoking my cigarette at a banshee's keel, anxious and agitated... The night is going by too slowly...
I tossed and turned and twisted in my bed, doubling over in pain. Tears were swelling in the pockets of my eyelids. I agonized silently for an indefinite span of time.
I made another phone call. Left a message, a desperate cry for help. I was out of luck. Tonight I will have to get through this bare-knuckled...
Eventually I fell asleep. It was a sleeper's sleep, one for the angels.
In the morning I woke up and made a call to my connection.
"Hey, what's up?"
"How are you?"
"Better. Sorry about yesterday. I was drunk."
"Oh, I see... that explains it." She laughed.
"Yeah, I know..." I said, sheepishly.
"I'm on my way to my mom's house. We'll be ready to go very soon. Finally got all of my stuff done and my bags packed."
"You're coming back on Monday?"
"Yeah, Monday. I'll see you then."
"Have fun on the cruise."
"Thanks. Have a great weekend."
"I'll try."
Now that she's out of town, she is out of mind. But until that morning phone call, I was some sort of a nervous wreck. I was cracking up, perhaps equating her vacation with abandonment fears. We are still not dating but with all the transitions I've been making lately I feel like I am losing control over so many things, and she is one of them.
But now... I am breathing easier. I am not so upset.
I wonder why that is.
*/*
dead milkmen
Whenever I'm bummed out and feeling loser-ish, I put on a Dead Milkmen CD and just rock out. They were never a particularly good band, nor were they consistently weird or funny enough to be freaky. But I liked their collective heart.
They were once described as being "gleefully nihilistic", and with song titles such as "Life Is Shit" and "Takin' Retards To The Zoo" I guess that wouldn't be too far gone a description of them.
Their biggest hit was the song "Punk Rock Girl", a goofy and ragtag mix of Cajun accordian and grunge-rock guitar twang set to a fast tempo and punctured by snotty, stoner-dumb lyrics. Incredibly catchy, that "Punk Rock Girl"... If you haven't heard it before then try and find a copy of their finest album, Beelzebubba.
Anyway, so I've been bluesing it up lately and I put on Beelzebubba and rocked out. And then when I got to the radio station yesterday I looked them up on Wikipedia. I was surprised to learn that only two years ago the Dead Milkmen bass player committed suicide.
Weird... and somehow poignant, because now their songs have an edge of sadness and tragedy that they never indulged in with their music. They were content to be semi-anonymous clowns making strange ditties about backyards lizards and bitchin' Camaros. That worked to their disadvantage, making their music something you pulled out for certain moods and specific people only.
Now, there is something a little bit more universal about their music. It no longer seems confined to some esoteric pop cultural trivia realm. A death hitting close to home has opened up their albums in a way it was unwilling to do when they were a group. Knowing that the quiet, polite and (relatively) most normal member of the band was torn apart inside gives a song like "Death's Alright With Me" a little bit of perspective:
Death's alright with me
When it's on TV
Death's alright with me
How funny it can be (ha ha)
Death's alright with me
It's a chance to grow
Death's alright with me
Put me on death row
They're bleak lyrics on the surface, until you hear them with the accompanying music: upbeat, sunny major chords, sloppy haphazard production values... Hardly the funeral dirge you'd expect from the somber words above.
I went out and bought a copy of the Milkmen's Big Lizard In My Backyard, along with a copy of Fugazi's Repeater. The Milkmen purchase is a tribute, and the Fugazi purchase is... well, because they were always so damned serious about not selling out.
I totally respect that.
*/*
anger
I've been chomping at the bit, hungry for some music action. May was spent cutting down on my musical exploits-- no gigs, very little rehearsing, relaxing and getting ready to make the job switch.
June is here, with a debut gig on the way and another gig with the band I've been in for almost a year now. I rehearsed Wednesday night and last night, and will rehearse tonight as well. I am getting some of my residual angst and anger out by playing my ass off with these groups.
Speaking of anger, I heard that song "Rise" by PiL on the radio, the one with the chorus "May the road rise with you" repeated over and over. There's that one killer line in it: "ANGER IS AN ENERGY!"
Johnny Lydon's voice, so petulant, so embittered, so truculent.
I have been really angry lately, because I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick concerning everything: friends, family, relationships, finances, hobbies... I feel like I am entitled to something but I can't figure out what it is.
Rather than flail away at imaginary straw villains, I think I will try and channel all that rage and hatred into something that will serve me well. Maybe that's what I need to do, instead of stewing in my own biases and fears.
I am the chameleon, changing skins once again.
Your time has come
Your second skin
The cost so high
The gain so low
Walk through the valley
THE WRITTEN WORD IS A LIE
Thank you, Johnny, for that vivid reminder. I sometimes forget that this world is constantly in flux, rife with impermanence.
Today is the second to last day here at this gig. Monday is the last day, and after that... Who knows? Maybe I'll be blogging, maybe I won't.
Have a beautiful weekend, people.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
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