official

Yesterday I finally got Eve to admit that she has been seeing someone. This makes a big difference to me.

I knew she was seeing someone but getting her to admit it was like pulling teeth. Fortunately I knew it was only a matter of time before it would come down to her having to state the obvious.

That is my biggest pet peeve with her: her inability to be honest. She will pride herself on being blunt, true, but that's not the same as being honest. I think she was reluctant to say anything to me until she was sure that she was secure with this new thing she has going on.

Ironically, all she had to do was tell me she was already seeing someone and I would've backed off much earlier. But of course she has this pitiable view of me and thought that I wouldn't be able to handle the truth.

I can handle the truth fine. It's the untruths that set me off. I wasn't born yesterday, and I know when she is seeing someone else-- despite her best acting talents.

So now the official reason for her refusal to date me is that she can't handle my emotional outbursts. OK, fair enough... but she has never bothered to put two and two together and realize that the only reason why I was having these outbursts was because I knew she was looking to get out of it and she wasn't being on the level with me. Not that she has to report to me about everything-- still, if I really am her best friend then she would have just told me, even if she feared that I would not take it well.

I mean, I have been frank and candid with her about my relationships with other girls, in person and in these pages. She told me that she doesn't like hearing about them, but it doesn't stop me from letting her know what is going on my life. It's not my fault that she couldn't bear to hear my thoughts about other women.

But when it's the other way around, it's different. Not knowing is what drives me crazy. However, now that I know it is official, I actually feel better because now I can focus on the things in my life I have been neglecting.

I can devote more time to the bands I'm in. I can start my own animation and finish up what's left on the project with Purple Paulie and Peter. I can finish my screenplay and put together a demo collection of my own songs. And now that I know she is out with another guy, I can stop obsessing over whether she is really seeing someone else or if she is just trying to make me jealous.

I have this weird code: I will always honor my exes-turned-platonic-friends' relationships. The minute they find someone else, I'm off the case. Maybe Eve knows this and was hesitant to say anything because she knows that it lessens her power over me.

But things are not quite better just yet. I still had a show to do last night with my other band, and I got mighty drunk. It was our first show and it went off without a hitch. People kept buying me drinks and by the time I got home I was ready to hurl.

Instead, I hurled a lengthy, rambling message onto Eve's voice mail, wherein I announced I was giving up music (not true) and stopping all creative efforts (also not true) if I couldn't have her. I meant them when I said them last night, right before I puked my guts out.

But now that I am sober, awake, and at my new job, I realize that it was just drunk talk.

The fact is, it's a beautiful day outside and I am doing better than I have been in a long time, both financially and socially. And now that Eve has paired up with someone else, I can actually see an upside to all of this.

Let's examine further the silver lining on this dark cloud.


*/*


Like I said, the new reason she gives is that I am emotionally unstable. Before that, it was because she thought I wanted to have a baby(!) and before that it was because I could do so much better than her and she was holding me back...

When the reasons for not wanting to be with me keep changing like the weather, I find it hard to believe them. Eve likes to say that she trusts no one, but I think she finds it hard to accept that I don't trust her either. So she would get mad when I would make snide comments about her seeing other people, and the reason why she got upset was because I was hitting the nail on the head.

Funny how she didn't seem to mind the policy towards snide comments when she was making intimations about me and some of my platonic female friends to my face.

She says she doesn't want anyone kissing her ass, but if you ask me that's exactly what she wants. If I ever bent to her will, it wasn't out of some groveling ass-kissing measure-- it was because I always got the same advice from my married friends and girlfriend-saddled peers regarding women.

The advice: "Even when you're right, you have to say that you're wrong"

That's hard for me to do. But for Eve, I would occasionally drop the gloves and let her have her way. She took this to mean that I have no spine.

Let her think it all she wants. I don't hold my emotions back with her so she probably thinks I'm a big pussy. I can see why. It can be unnerving to deal with someone who has a crying jag every month such as myself. Eve is the only person I cry with (or over) and I'm sure it puts a strain on her.

I inherited that unattractive trait from my father, who was nothing but a big ball of tears and misdirected woe during the post-divorce years.

However, my father's self-pity made me sick because he was the one who brought the calamity down not only upon himself but his family. It's hard to feel sorry for someone who engineered their own downfall, even if you love them. And when I became an unwitting victim to his inconsiderate actions, I began to hate him.

In my case, I am just a hyper-sensitive Romantic. But this morning instead of beating myself up about it, I realized that (unlike my father) I have actually stood up to Eve many times.

My father never once stood up to my mother, and there is a part of me that resents him still for his lack of confidence regarding her.

I love my mother very much, but I wish my father had been strong enough to put her in her place every once in a while. He never did. He let her walk all over him.

I may feel crappy about this Eve thing right now, but one thing's for certain: I didn't let her walk all over me.

I think back to last year around this time. It is almost identical to now. Eve was off trying to jump-start some romance with someone else, and I was on my own, seeing other girls and trying to forget about Eve.

The only difference is that I don't have anyone to distract me at the moment. But last year was a great lesson for me, because my sexual renaissance in the summer of 2005 was preceded by two or three God-awfully lonely months of being miserable and wondering what Eve was doing.

I think I am at the end of this year's bad cycle, and if the past has taught me anything it's that I am now on threshold of something new and exciting.


*/*


The true test of my strength, of course, is whether or not I can be friends with her now that we are separate.

That means that if things don't work out with this new guy and she comes running to me for some comfort, I have to not give in.

That means that I need to find someone to get my mind off of her pronto. It doesn't have to be anything meaningful, and I wouldn't use it as an opportunity to show Eve up.

It all has to do with the simple fact that a man can get over any heartbreak if there is another option in front of him readily available.

Does that sound shallow? I'm sure it does. But what's the alternative? Staying miserable? Pining away for something that's never going to happen? You tell me.

Last year, if Monique had not gone off to Virginia, I would've made the break from Eve and I would've been able to be friends with her without worrying about our attraction to each other. That's because I would've had someone else to relieve me of my stress (and quite possibly cause me a whole new set of problems).

It didn't work out like that. By the time Laurie and Daniel renewed their wedding vows last year, the two of us found ourselves working it out in the bedroom.

No doubt I will be labeled as 'bitter' by anyone who reads this or anyone who brings it up to me... and believe me, people will bring it up. They always do. I can go through entire conversations without bringing her up (mainly because I write about her so much that nothing needs to be actually said) and usually it falls upon the other person, who may be running out of things to talk about and figures that they'll strike oil by bringing her up to me.

I mean, no one ever asks me, "So, James, have you been seeing anyone else since you and Eve called it quits?"

No, they never ask that. Instead, they ask, "So, how are things with Eve?"

Then it falls upon me to be the one to make distinctions. "We're just friends. I've been seeing someone else, though. She's real great, she's--"

"Yeah, it's too bad. I always thought you and Eve were perfect for each other."

A pause from me. Then, I usually say, "Sure. Why not? But that's history. Next week I have a date with--"

"If you see her, tell her I said 'hi', okay?"

That usually causes me to think to myself, Fuck that-- why don't you tell her yourself? Anyway, you're probably going to look her up now that you know we're not together...

But I don't say that. I just think it. Instead, I say something like, "That's if I do see her again. You'll probably see her before I do, and she'll probably be with her new dude..."

That usually causes the topic of conversation to change quickly.


*/*


Listening to Snoop Dogg's first album, Doggystyle, was a blast from the past. It's been 13 years since this delicious platter dropped, and I recently bought a CD version at a garage sale for a dollar. I have the album on vinyl but rarely play it, and I need music for the car.

Something that's funny (or not, depending on your view of misogynistic rap lyrics) throughout the album is Snoop's declaration that he "never loved a hoe". He'll fuck a hoe in a heartbeat, but he won't love her. Lots of gangsters and wannabe pimps adopt this strategy, claiming success.

I guess I'm the same. I don't love hoes either. I'll fuck them, but I don't love them.

But for me, "hoe" doesn't mean "whore" or "slut"-- it just means some girl who tied you over for a spell. These girls never give me problems. They never come around again, and they never look back.

Sometimes, when I'm in a poetic mood, I will write a tribute to them, but that's about it. Occasionally I run into them, and they are doing fine.

I recall the time spent with them fondly. But I never loved them.

I can't say the same about Eve. That's what makes all of this so intense.

But I'll say this: Looking back on the early posts in this blog, I was tortured by not knowing what was going on with her. And now, there's a full circle here. There's the closure I always wanted.

We were apart. We came back together. We had a rendezvous that was short but (mostly) sweet. She had issues, I had issues.

But we're friends again, and she isn't with Dick anymore.

That's all that matters. When it comes to love, you have to remember what really matters.

Otherwise, you'll lose sight of your goals, and you'll fuck up in a big way.

Some people thought I was fucking up by getting mixed up with her again, but they didn't know-- and they'll never know --what had to be done, nor will they ever understand.

When I made contact with Eve again, I expected to share some words and say a long goodbye. A year and a half later, the long goodbye has turned into a promise that we'll see each other every now and then.

Coupled with a new job and a new outlook on life, I can't see how this can be bad.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?