annual

This is an excerpt from my blog, approximately one year ago today:



So that's been what's going on with me lately. No romance, no intrigue, nothing on par with my past exaggerations and anecdotes. Just plowing through the day, running through the motions, with my focus fixed upon the road ahead of me at all times.

I mean, there ARE things happening, but on subliminal levels, intangible tiers of wonder that I am only halfway aware of, smoky wisps of energy emanating from everyone around me...

And yet, it's music to my ears.



Today is the one year anniversary of my first gig with The Nine (my pet name for this band). We played a show at the Lava Lounge with Wolfie, the drummer I recruited to fill in for Evan, the guy who got me the gig in the first place.

Evan had been replaced by Wolfie when he announced a week in advance that he was going to be out of town until the night of the show.

I learned a few months ago that Evan met a girl and fell in love on the night that he was supposed to be playing my first show with the band.

So it's an anniversary for him, too.

Funny how things work out. At the time, I was the one who decided to get a fill-in, and it was partly a reaction to the fact that, in the band I'd been in with Evan prior, he was always pulling some shit on us.

I see it now, in perspective, as karma realigning our respective paths. It's no surprise that Evan quit playing music when he met that girl, to whom he is now engaged.


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That excerpt from last year's blog is very similar to what's going on for me now. It's like deja vu, really.

But this time around, there's a deeper shade coloring the palette.

Last year I was caught up in hearing Beefheart for the first time, fashioning myself as some sort of painter, joining a new band in order to keep me from going stir crazy, and basically trying to start a new life out of the ashes of my relationship with Eve and the petty dalliances I had indulged in as a distraction.

This year, I've got everything I didn't have last year: a good-paying job, steady plans for the near future, a focus and resolve that is getting leaner and meaner every second...

...but it feels like I have nothing.

Pardon me if I am pitying myself, but I do it so well...

I have nothing. There is no love in my life, nor in my heart. There is no love in mind nor my soul. There is no happiness and there is no peace.

Last year I was living like a king comparatively, and yet I was making less money and had less prospects.

I think I am happier when I am poor and dejected. Having money and no one to spend it on, or wanting love and not receiving it... those are terrible things to endure.

Maybe I'm just complaining. Maybe I'm a malcontent who will never be satisfied with anything, no matter how good it may seem to others.

Or maybe I just know what it feels like to be truly happy and I haven't had that feeling for so long that now I am wondering if it will ever return.

Maybe this is happiness: Living each day expecting nothing, worrying and fretting until every base gets covered. Is it possible that I am happy and just don't know it?

We'll see.


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I have a show tonight and a show on Sunday with The Nine. Tonight we play the Viper Room-- should be fun. Sunday we play in Glendale, to a crowd that doesn't know who we are. Then we have a show later on this month, followed by a few days of shooting a music video courtesy of some of our Lava Lounge friends who major in cinema.

At the show later this month, I will be playing in BOTH of my bands, one after the other, at the same venue. I will be busy busy BUSY.

Anything to keep my mind off the crap, the sewage that is seeping into the cracks of my consciousness.

I need a vacation. Perhaps I will go up north, like I planned in February, and visit with old friends. It would be nice to just get away for a while.

I have no one to go with, but maybe that's the point. Maybe I need to go off on my own for a while and forget that there's people I miss and want to reconcile with but don't know how to begin the healing.

Once again, we'll just have to wait and see.

I'm no good at waiting. I have no patience.

Have a nice weekend, people.