believe

Happy New Year!

Good news: I am clean and sober for the first time in 15 years.

OK, so I smoked some pot on New Year's Eve and washed it back with a Newcastle. But it wasn't my pot-- I haven't bought any weed for my own consumption in over a month. And the Newcastle was a freebie from the bartender with whom I am friends... I tipped her, of course, but the beer itself cost me nothing.

I haven't had any cocaine since last Saturday, and my dealer announced that he is no longer selling small bags, which is good for me since that's all I seemed to purchase.

I still smoke cigarettes though. That one is going to be tough, because I am truly addicted to nicotine.

Still, it feels good to be drug-free. I am not expecting to go cold turkey, but I know that my partaking has gone down in general ever since I made an earnest effort to quit smoking pot, which has always been my greatest love.

Once I cut down on the herb, everything else seemed to fall into place. And if I smoke it every now and then, that's fine-- I was sick of doing it all day every day. Every once in a while is the way it should be.

By the way: I don't consider these to be resolutions. The late Charles Bukowski's headstone is engraved with the words "Don't Try", which means that there is only doing and not doing-- there is no such thing as "try".

New Year's resolutions are nothing but a bunch of tries. But what I've done with myself... that's a bunch of dos and don'ts.


*/*


I owe some of my new found sobriety to Rose, whom I mentioned in my recent Las Vegas mini-epic posts.

I've only known Rose for about five months, but in that short time she has been nothing but wonderful in helping me find my way during the second half of 2006, a period where I felt like I'd lost my direction and sense of self.

Rose and I are not a couple. Rather, she has been quite possibly the purest muse I've had in many a year. I won't lie, though: I did like her right off the bat, but after a while I found myself wondering what about her held my fascination so raptly.

I think the answer lies in my unwillingness to rebound in the wake of my break-up with Eve. It would've been easier to just throw myself into something else. And even if I'd felt that Rose felt the same way as me (which, to be honest, I am not sure nor do I care to find out) I think that finding an immediate substitute for Eve would've been disastrous, considering that I was still trying to find myself again.

Plus, Rose had a "boyfriend" who lived out of state, a situation I (correctly) predicted would lead to no avail for her.

Rose broke up with said boyfriend shortly after Halloween, when she sang the Columbia and Magenta parts during Missing Digits' live interpretation of "Time Warp" from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I didn't hear from her for a while after that, and she cut back on her My Space access during that time.

Then, she re-emerged and started contacting me again. We made plans to go see the Rene Magritte exhibit at LACMA in December.

We went and ate breakfast at Swinger's in Hollywood, where she regaled me with the news of her relationship's end. I should've been happy-- now I had my chance to win her heart and woo her off her feet, right?

However, I had already decided by that time that, whatever it was I saw in her, it had nothing to do with wanting to date again. No, it had more to do with hearing things from a fresh perspective, and Rose was up to that task.

So when she went on about her reasons for terminating her affair with her out-of-state man, I paid it mind merely on the surface. Deep down, I did not want to know, just as I was sure she did not need to know about my cocaine binges, my borderline bipolar episodes, and my past girlfriends.

I was just happy to be in the company of a smart, cute, sensible girl who (after two and a half months of asking her out and having her straddle the fence with me) finally sought me out for my companionship.

We had a lot of fun that day, and then she told me that she was leaving Los Angeles because she was not happy here and she felt she could pursue a more meaningful existence in the northern part of California.

I saw this coming a mile away, and encouraged her to follow her bliss. Rose is like many girls I've met in the past five or six years: dissatisfied with her position and her place (to quote the great Bob Dylan), and disturbed by L.A.'s tendency to eat sensitive people alive.

Normally, news like this would cause me to sulk and possibly attempt to persuade said girl to stay despite her obvious interest in relocating. But this time around, I did the opposite and cheered her for her initiative.

Rose smiled when I told her not to give up, and the reason she smiled is because I explained to her that, when I was feeling like I could not continue to play in Missing Digits or pursue my own dreams, she was the one who told me not to quit.

Genuine reciprocity can sometimes be more romantic and sweet than holding hands or exchanging goo-goo eyes... and let's face it-- I was not ready for anything more than what we were sharing that day.

Rose has taught me a lot of lessons without even trying. The recent one that I'm about to mention qualifies as one of the biggest lessons I've learned not only this year but in my entire life as well.


*/*


She called me up and asked me what I had planned for New Year's Eve. I told her I might go and hang out with Big JJ at the nightclub where he works the door. She then invited me to go to her friend's house for a small party, and then maybe afterwards we could go to the club and grab a few drinks before calling it a night.

I agreed to that plan. Then, before I was about to get off the phone, I casually mentioned that I'd seen Jackass Number Two on DVD earlier in the day.

Rose paused and said, "Why is everyone in my life telling me this information? It seems like anyone I talk to these days has seen this movie and feels the need to inform me of it."

I sensed irritation in her voice, but rather than drop the subject I instead tried to explain its appeal. "In every man, there's a 15 year-old boy trying to break out."

"Yeah, but that's why you play in a rock band," she said.

"I thought it was funny. You can tell the Jackass guys are getting more creative with their stunts and--"

>click<

The phone went dead. I didn't assume that she had hung up on me, but when I called her back not once or twice but three times and got no answer, I suddenly wondered if she'd been so offended by my exaltation of Johnny Knoxville and company that she cut me off mid-sentence.

I didn't think Rose would be the type to do that, but it made no sense for the phone line to just cut off like that... and calling her back three times to listen to the line ring endlessly only made me more anxious.

I could've tried her cel phone, but my phone line has been on Toll Restriction since I refused to pay the long distance portion of my bill (long story, don't ask) and so I knew I would not be able to call her on that line.

So I waited.

She didn't call me back.

I got worried. I started to think about all the girls who never gave me an explanation for their dismissal of me. I wondered if Rose was worth knowing if she was so quick to judge me like that.

I snorted a gram of cocaine to my head, which only increased my paranoia. I stayed up all night hoping to hear the phone ring.

Before I finally went to sleep, I fired off an apologetic e-mail, hoping that I could reach her that way. I wasn't mad at her at all. If anything, I felt like I'd opened my big mouth once again and ruined everything with my inability to shut the fuck up.

The next morning, I resolved to go out to the club by myself. I did not want to go to her friend's party if she was upset at me. The rejection felt all too real. This past year was rife with rejection, not just from the likes of Eve but other individuals as well. Most of them didn't even give me the benefit of an explanation-- they just turned on me and didn't look back.

So when the eve of the New Year was upon me, I was determined not to let it get me down. I was ready to go out and get drunk and forget that I was seemingly repulsive to every female on the face of the planet.

Right before I left the apartment, I received a phone call. It was from Rose. But I did not pick it up-- I let it ring as I headed out the door. I did not want to know what she had to say to me.

I wound up at the club and talked with Big JJ and saw an incredible all-Asian punk band. I received a beer from the bartender and smoked some weed in the parking lot with JJ's girlfriend Carrie. I even ran into some friends whom I had invited to the club, seeing as they had no plans of their own for the New Year.

Then, just as we were about to go get some food at IHOP, Rose and her friends showed up. I walked over to her, a little out of my gourd and weary for the wear.

"Hey!" she said, smiling. "I called you. What happened?"

"Hi... I didn't hear back from you."

"I know, my power went out in my apartment and I couldn't use the phone because it's a portable, and my cel wasn't charged up."

"Ohhhh..." It all started to make sense.

"Why didn't you come to the party? I gave you directions and everything."

"I... I... I didn't think you wanted me to come."

"What? Are you crazy? Of course I wanted you to come."

I started to feel really stupid for flaking on her, so I changed the subject. "How was the party?"

"It was OK-- it would've been better if you'd shown up. Here, I have something for you."

She pulled out of her petticoat a small rectangle wrapped in paper. It was a gift.

"I got you a little something for Christmas and I wanted to give it to you tonight."

I was speechless. Unable to think properly, I proceeded to open the gift.

Rose talked as I unwrapped it. "Remember at LACMA when you were sketching in your notepad and that woman came up to you and started talking to you about art? And remember how I sat down and talked with the both of you but she just wanted to talk to you instead? And remember how you were kind enough to include me in the conversation anyway, even though she had her eyes on you? Well, I was thinking about that when I found this gift in Venice, and I wrote a little quote in there that reminded me of you."

Her gift to me was a small, portable sketch book. On the first page, in clear red handwritten print, was the following quote:

"To believe is to be strong. Doubt cramps energy. Belief is power. Only so far as a man believes strongly, mightily, can he act cheerfully, or do any thing that is worth the doing." --Frederick W. Robertson

And I laughed to myself when I read the words "Doubt cramps energy" and I looked at her and said, "Thank you. I have a gift for you too, at home. I can go get it if you want."

Rose laughed. "I think you'd better not worry about that. You look trashed. Get some coffee in you, sweetie. Happy New Year."

We hugged for what seemed like an eternity. I promised her I'd be back after getting some joe in my gullet, but she didn't take my tipsy words seriously. By the time I'd returned to the club, she had gone home.


*/*


We sorted the whole mess out, and eventually I gave her my gift: a book of Picasso's sketches, with accompanying slides.

I am going to miss her when she is gone, but we still have some time left before she makes the move up north. For her birthday, she is having a party... and this time I will not give in to my silly fears and wild anxieties.

This time, I will take her advice and be strong by believing in something. She reminded me of that only a few hours after the start of 2007, and so it is only appropriate that I take her up on that.

2006 was a bad year for me, but if I had to single out one event as being good, it would have to be meeting Rose for the first time. She gave me confidence when I had none, and she and I have shared a lot of love and warmth and encouragement.

We have the power to believe, and that's enough to get by on, isn't it?

Happy New Year, everyone...