My Philosophy: Nine Rules To Live By

1. Never do what is expected of you. God made the world chaotic as a test of your faith. You may as well go with the flow of nature, right? Be disruptive, so long as it is the last thing anyone expects you to do. Be courteous, so long as people expect you to be disruptive. And if your friends start to expect the unexpected from you, fear not: Probability is on your side. There are infinite ways to accommodate chaos but there is a limited number of ways to execute order.

A noteworthy corollary to this: Never expect anything from anybody. Expect the unexpected. If a beautiful woman invites you to her place for a candlelit dinner, the LAST thing you should expect is to get laid. The minute you go in there expecting something, Murphy's Law will take effect and render your entire evening fruitless. Better to accept the aforementioned dinner date fully expecting to play Boggle or some other mundane board game. That way, the sex will feel greater than it would've been had you known what to expect.

2. Always believe everything you hear. There is nothing wrong with investing your imagination into the realms of possibility. I don't feel stupid if someone takes me for a fool or misleads me just to show how 'gullible' I am. Why should I feel stupid about believing that anything is possible?

Besides, a person who pulls your leg to see if you are 'gullible' has actually given you the advantage, unbeknownst to them. For you see, there are two types of people in this world: Those who lie and end up being believed, and those who tell the truth and end up being disbelieved. I'd rather be in the latter camp, because eventually the truth will out. On the other hand, to be in the former camp means the novelty gets lost after two or three times; after a while, one realizes that all they've done is reveal themselves to be liars who cannot be believed. And the advantage to that is knowing they were a liar before they realized it themselves.

3. Amuse yourself endlessly at the expense of others. I am not saying you should be cruel to others. What I am saying is that you shouldn't lose your sense of humor, and as we all know the best kind of humor is at someone else's expense. Limit your number of pranks and leg-pulls to a minimum, lest you suffer the fate I described in the last paragraph. Instead, treat everything around you as if life has suddenly transformed into a scene from a comedic movie. Notice how I didn't say "TV sitcom"-- that's because it is really embarrassing to wait for imaginary laugh tracks around people who aren't in on the joke.

4. Exaggerate everything about yourself. Why exaggerate personal details? Because if you don't write the large legend, then someone else will... and they might choose selectively when it comes to what needs to be exaggerated. Better to be thought a braggadocious self-promoter than a victim of slanderous libel. Plus, it gives your critics something to obsess over: No one but your enemies have the time to sift through what is the fact and the fiction of your life!

5. Shun the spotlight. This may seem contradictory on my part, but when you really examine what I've done with my life you'll begin to see that I rarely ever crave to be the center of attention. That's because being a participant is all that matters, and since I try to get by doing as little as possible (or more than is expected, which goes back to Rule #1) then that means being the center of attention is out of the question. And anyhow, it is easier to pull off these rules (especially #6) if no one really knows who you are.

I make it a point to change my personal appearance up often enough to keep even my own family guessing as to what I look like. My recent beard experiments have proven to be phenomenally successful in this regard; I intend to shave my head and wear glasses sometime later this year.

6. Cultivate mystery. This is the most difficult rule on the list, partly due to the fact that Mystery is a mystery unto itself. How does one cultivate Mystery anyway? And what do I mean by 'cultivating' in the first place?

What I mean is, keep people on their toes: Don't explain everything you do, or better yet give daft explanations for everything; Make liberal use of irony and sarcasm at all opportunities, so that no one will know where your true allegiances lie; and above all, never give a straight answer. Why? Because your enemies will use any accurate information against you, and your friends will think you work for the CIA.

7. Disregard the opinions of others. It sounds harsh, but let's face it-- everybody other than you is wrong about everything regarding you. Now, that doesn't mean you should admit to not giving a rat's ass about what other people think. If you are really good at any of these rules, you can feel contempt for everyone around you without them even knowing. And chances are, you have no idea how little weight others give to your own opinions as well.

8. Laugh as a method of self-defense. This is the easiest rule on the list to live by, because it doesn't take much to laugh at anything. I recommend using it as a method of self-defense because there are so many terrible things in this world that could kill us if not for our ability to scoff in the face of death and tragedy.

9. Always give 'em enough rope. If you are as watchful and diligent as I am, then you already know that anyone who is conspiring against you will eventually ensnare themselves in the very webs they created to ensnare you.

And when I say that others are conspiring, I don't mean to be paranoid. I'm just saying that every day, whether on minuscule or magnificent scales, there are mini-plots being waged against you, sometimes innocently and sometimes with a sinister undercurrent. Maybe that guy across from your cubicle is trying to beat you out for a promotion. Maybe that woman down the hall in your apartment complex wants you to proposition her so that she can make her husband jealous. These are all human emotions and feelings, and most of us NEVER act on them.

But the ones who DO act upon those human animal impulses... Well, they've set themselves up for a big fall in an even bigger way, haven't they? And if you are a true disciple of my Nine Rules, then they won't stand a chance when the time comes to exact some payback. So let them wreak their havoc, for it is a short-lived run for them. And after they've spent their energy on tripping you up, all you need to do is give a little tug on the hanging rope. It will not require much on your part, for they will have already fitted the noose around their own neck.