chameleon

There is no particular theme for this blog entry that I'm writing right now, no unifying universal tangent that I'm trying to highlight, no serendipitous collision of ideas and motifs that I am attempting to explain.

I figure it's about time that I just approach this blog in the appropriate manner: as a journal, an occasional chronicle, or even a public diary. No need to wrest meaning from simple everyday events; no deliberate transfiguration of my life into epic adventures; no melodramatic fictionalization of dull reality and the mundane routines of existence.

Instead, I'll just give an update on the things that are swirling about in my consciousness as of late, and I'll try to keep it succinct and to-the-point.


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I've got a show tonight with one of my bands at the famed Whisky a Go Go. This will be the second gig I've done with this band at The Whisky and my third gig at this particular venue in general. It's pay-to-play, which I normally detest, but it's not my play to call and besides-- it's fun.

Still, I am craving something that I can have full control over, so I went out and got myself a solo acoustic gig at a small space in the Valley next April. The place in question is a guitar shop by day and an art gallery by night, with a decent sound system and a big stage. It has a coffeehouse atmosphere but they don't serve coffee-- they do serve non-alcoholic beverages and snacks, and I suspect they are cool with BYOB. There's pillows on the floor propped up against the walls so that people can lie down comfortably while watching a show. I hope this arrangement doesn't invite my potential audience to fall asleep as I perform.

I'm going to play mostly original tunes with a few choice, esoteric covers. I have 45 minutes and the majority of my songs are short, so I will have a lot of time to express myself in an intimate setting, doing something that hits a little closer to home and originates from my heart in a more personal vein. I've wanted to do this for so long but never got around to it because I wasn't confident enough to put myself out there, but all the performing in various bands plus my private interest in songwriting has gotten me worked up to the point of wanting to make this work. I am primarily focused on testing the material to see what sinks and what floats. I have quite a catalog of songs that no one has ever heard, and the only way to find out if any of them are any good is to just play them in front of friends and total strangers. I don't expect to take the Canoga Park music scene by storm, but I am interested in seeing what my strengths and weaknesses are and improving upon them.

I am practicing playing the guitar every day for at least ten minutes. It is so different from playing the bass in that I actually have to concentrate on getting it all down pat, whereas with my bass-playing I can coast and ride on the coattails of the other band members. I'm going to be all alone up there, which isn't a scary prospect for me at all-- no, what worries me is the inevitable realization that not everything that I consider cool or noteworthy will be met with warmth and appreciation. My skin is thick, yes, but I am also a lot more sensitive than I let on. I am guessing that it will be an eye-opening experience, no doubt about it.

I think of this as a step in the right direction. I've backed up so many other musicians for such a long time that I feel like I have a rich, solid background to draw upon when the time is right and the opportunity is mine. Foremost above all, I want it to be fun, and I'm positive that it will be.


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My drug use has leveled off, after a few binges here and some droughts there. I accept the fact that I have an addictive personality and that I will probably not stop doing drugs completely any time in the near future. I want to say it's just a phase, and I truly believe that's all it is... but it's a dangerous phase nonetheless, and things can go horribly wrong if I am not careful. I owe it not only to myself but my friends and family to not go overboard.

I consider myself one of the most responsible drug users out there because I never get so far gone that I cannot connect with reality and take care of the business of my life. Still, it wouldn't take a whole lot for me to spiral out of control and I know this all too well.

It is a concern of mine-- I don't want to come off as not being cautious or vigilant as I indulge in illicit pharmaceutical entertainment, so I won't make light of it or not take it seriously. However, my head is still screwed on as straight as it can be, and I don't have a death wish. I sincerely appreciate the comments, advice and kind words I have received from people whenever I have reached out or asked for help, and I won't take those heartfelt sentiments for granted.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: I know I'm fucked up and have some serious issues that shouldn't be treated with self-medication... but don't count me out just yet.


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I shaved the beard and trimmed my hair, leaving the bangs and the locks on top long while maintaining a clean cut around the sides and nape. I've kept the sideburns and I'm also thinking about donning my nerdy, ugly, first-pair-I-ever-owned eyeglasses for certain events and engagements. Once again I am tinkering with my appearance, and I'm at a loss to explain exactly why I have been fascinated by the process of changing up my style as of late.

I don't think I am necessarily searching for a definitive image or identity. I think it has more to do with getting reactions from people and wanting them to notice me. It also works as a mode of invisibility and anonymity in that people I've just met never know what to expect and often cannot recognize me from my last incarnation. As much as I enjoy the spotlight and all the attendant attention I seek out, there is also the subversive delight in turning inside-out those very notions of self-perception vs. other's perceptions that I am investigating in my odd quest to render myself a bona fide chameleon.

Plus, as a writer I find that transforming my outer appearance allows me to experience my everyday existence in new and surprising ways. I feel like I am creating entirely new personas and characters as a direct result of my dabbling in fashionable possibilities. This makes me curious, and I want to explore it more as time goes on.

OK, so that's pretty much it for now. Have a nice weekend and stay out of trouble, people.