falsity

Last week, I posted:

I'll admit it, I sometimes like it when people get possessive of me.

Allow me to elaborate.

Until recently, I've never heard a woman tell me that she would kill another woman for looking at me. It sounds downright homicidal, right? Positively psychotic?

Or is it just the falsity of language?

It's not like she really would "kill a bitch" for looking at me. But maybe she feels like she could because of the anger and emotion that swells inside her when she sees another woman taking an interest in me.

And it's not like this is some exclusive contract between us. It's not because of me that she feels this way. She would want to kill a bitch for looking at ANY man she was seeing.

I can sit here and pretend like this is weird, crazy or dangerous, but the fact is... I know what that feels like.

I know what it's like to want to kill a man for looking at my woman.

I would never lay a hand on anyone who looked at my girl. Instead, I would feel flattered, and my ego would be boosted.

But if he accosted her, manhandled her, or stepped to her in any way that can be deemed offensive and over-the-line, I wouldn't hesitate to premeditate murder.

He could be six-foot-five with muscles on top of his muscles, and I would be in his face like a scrappy little dog. Hell, I would probably get beaten and pummelled to a pulp, but I wouldn't back down.

Why? Because I'm stupid.

I'm a fool.

A sucker.

A mark.

Because I love her.


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She marvels at the fact that I can write all day long about her, with questions posed and rhetorical quandaries considered, but never do I bring them to her attention in our face-to-face relationship.

That's because it is easy to write, but it is hard to relate to people.

The falsity of language, once again. She coined that phrase. I don't know where she got it, but it was probably from school.

The fact is, a mere blog doesn't begin to encapsulate the wide-ranging emotions that churn beneath my stoic facade like a giant tarp covering the stormy sea.

Words fail to designate any meaning. Words are deceptive, to her. And I am somewhat of a wordsmith, so maybe her distrust of words transfers over to a distrust of silver-tongued smooth-talkers who know how to pitch a sale... which transfers over to me, despite the fact that I am far more persuasive in print than I am in person.

I know words are deceptive, but I think of it playfully. I do get angry at advertisments using outright lies to sell their products, but I get a kick out of breaking it down and identifying the different lies, tagging the propaganda and labeling the whole process for what it is.

I mean, think about how desensitized to the lies we have become. When a product is marked $9.99, we all know that there is tax to factor. The real price is not $9.99... and to their credit, most of the time they include a disclaimer such as "plus tax" at the end... but in tiny print, so that it is almost invisible.

We are used to this because of repetition and daily exposure. It is seen as one of those "common sense" type of things that adults get accustomed to, but the truth is we are accepting a lie. It may seem inncoent and harmless, but it is a lie nonethless.

And after a while, when the consistent bombarding of false adsvertising begins to compromise our sense of truth and fiction, we begin to make accomodations for other lies as well.

Ever heard the phrase "Nothing in this world is free"? And yet you see it all the time: Free This, Free That, Free Here, Free There...

And of course, all of these offers are really not free. There's always a catch. You have to buy something else first. You have to send away for this, or pay for that.

I have no problem with jumping through those hoops. But please, let's stop calling it "free", because it serves no purpose for the consumer. It only serves the marketer's purposes of reeling in another sucker with the promise of something "free".

The cynicsm of advertising is that it dangles that carrot, knowing full well that although the consumer might think he or she is free to make a choice, in reality they are bound and confined to their base desires. The advertiser knows that the carrot is enticing, and that the average consumer will be overwhelmed by their desire for the juicy carrot... a slave, if you will, to the hunger element.

Ah, the falsity of language.

We should be outraged over the abundance of little white lies, because they pile up like landfills, amassing into one gigantic, multi-colored Lie with a capital L.

Instead, we laugh to ourselves, content to be liars by association.


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Last night a friend of Ellen's made a comment about how Ellen "took me into custody" when Holly Golightly, the singer from my old band, broke up the group and left town to Florida.

By that, she meant that Ellen quickly acted to procure my bass services for her songs. And here I am, years later, still doing this woman a favor by playing bass and/or guitar for her shows.

But I must admit that I have been lying to Ellen. I don't want to do this anymore. Hell, I never wanted to do it in the first place. I remember when Ellen first approached me to play bass with her. I told her I'd consider it.

Then, I told Holly. She blew up at me, then told me that Ellen was always trying to poach her ideas. "Why can't she go out and find her own band?" Holly cried.

I didn't understand it until well after Holly left. And last night, playing a show with Ellen and a girl named June on violin, I not only understood Holly's rage but I knew what I had to do about it all.

Ellen is still playing a song that her ex-bandmate Katie wrote. The song is infinitely better than anything Ellen has ever written. Ellen played the song live, and beforehand she instructed June and I to go into the song immediately after the end of the previous song, so that it blended in.

Then, Ellen would give Katie a quick credit at the end of the song.

I kept thinking about "$9.99 plus tax"...

I remembered how mad Eve got at me when I underplayed her involvement in the animation last year. Sure, Eve hadn't put in as much time as the rest of us, but it was the way that I stated it... as if she was some hanger-on who wasn't our creative equal.

After the show, the sound guy announced to Ellen that she made $33 from the show.

$33. Not a lot of money. I didn't expect to get paid.

But she didn't even offer one dollar for my time and effort.

And yet she expects me to play along with her star-studded delusions of becoming a big star, using other people's songs and talent to convey the impression that she is a serious artist when in reality Holly was right on about her...

No. Not anymore.

I'm not a quitter, which explains why I didn't just flake on the show. But even the booking of the gig was deceptive-- I was under the impression that we were doing all-new songs, with a full band.

Stupid me, always trusting people when I know I shouldn't...

They're all snakes, right?

They tell you things to lead you one way, just so they can lower the boom on you and exploit you.

If they were up front with me, they'd get straight answers. But they are not, so all of a sudden my "availability" becomes questionable.

Yes, I am just as much of a liar as they are. But at least I am only doing it in response to the bullshit being thrown at me.

Doesn't make it any better, but I can live with it because it's just one of the millions of lies that I accept daily.

I swear, being honest nowadays gets you nowhere.


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I have come to realize that I am far more angry than I ever imagined. I have grudges and biases against everybody in my life: friends, family, acquaintances, nemeses, peers and co-workers...

I am trying (starting this week) to vent these biases and prejudices, in an attempt to exorcise them from my mind, where the very notions taunt me and torture me.

I don't want to live my life blaming people for my woes, whether privately or publicly.

I am sick of being lied to, of lying, and (most of all) rationalizing the lies.

I don't know how I'm going to go about doing it, but only time will tell if it will work or not.

Any suggestions on how to get rid of these demons?