I BELIEVE WHEN I FALL IN LOVE AGAIN IT WILL BE FOREVER

So I keep trying to find love songs to play at Kevin's wedding later this month, but all I keep coming up with are break-up songs.

Sure, I've found a few chestnuts worth playing: "You Belong To Me" by Bob Dylan; "Slow Love" by David Bowie; "Cupid" by Sam Cooke...

But the ones about losing love seem to dominate my thinking: "Stop! In The Name Of Love" by The Supremes, or "What Becomes Of The Broken-Hearted" by Jimmy Ruffin come to mind...

I think it has to do with the fact that Eve and I are really just friends now.

It isn't easy to embrace, because it counts as rejection to me. But then I realized over the weekend that Eve has never been proud of being my girlfriend.

Even before we dated, when we were going to the prom together... I remember a neighbor of hers asking her if I was her boyfriend. "No, we're just friends," she said.

When she met my mom, she freaked out over how I was going to introduce her. I calmed her down by saying I would say we were "just friends".

And that breaks my heart, because I'm sure when she was with Dick she was shouting it from the mountain tops. She had what she really wanted: a man with a big dick whom she had total control over.

She was with him for nine years, and she only left him after he left her and beat her up.

That's a hint and a half for that ass.

So we are friends. Only problem is, she doesn't know how to be "just a friend".

She gets jealous of any girl who likes me.

Not to mention that I am nicer to her when we are dating than I am when we are friends. That's because I treat my friends as equals, and if they piss me off then I let them have it.

I yell at my friends a lot, but I never raise my voice to my steady girlfriends. They get a pass from me, and now that Eve is "just a friend" I believe that she will be in for a shock when I start treating her the way I treat all of my other friends.

But this is what she wants. And so I will honor that. But if she thinks that I'm going to tolerate half of her bullshit now that we are not intimate, she'd better think twice.

She has a lot of learning to do. You see, when you strip away the sex and the intimacy and the romantic aspects of our relationship, what's left is a friendship that is largely one-sided.

Another thing I realized this weekend is that all the things Eve has ever done to hurt me were done when we were just friends. The affair with Sharky? We were broken up for some time when she did that.

And, she chose her relationship with Dick over my friendship with her.

Go ahead and tell me that she's sick, and that she doesn't know what she wants, and that she is so used to being in abusive relationships that she can't see what I offer her.

Go ahead and say that. It sounds nice. But it isn't true.

What's true is that she doesn't want me like that. And for me to continue banging my head against that locked door is just foolish.

I'm done with her.

She has finally convinced me that she is crazy, toxic and not worth the trouble. I never wanted to believe it, but now...

I will still be her friend, but I must admit-- the pain won't go away until I find someone else, someone who isn't ashamed to say "Yes, I love him."

I also realized this weekend that, despite my protests to the contrary, I do want a stable, steady relationship. Subconsciously, I am craving it, but I am in denial.

Not anymore. I admit it now.

I wish I could have it with her, but it is not meant to be.

I tried so hard to forget her last year, when she pushed me away and I fell into the temporarily loving arms of a bevy of girls, all of them who were not ashamed to say they loved me.

Of course, those didn't work out because at the time I thought that I wanted to be free and not in love.

But I see now that I do want to be in love... but I can only be in love with someone who is in love with me, who is attracted to me, who is proud of me.

Eve is not proud of me. She is probably disgusted by me and my attempts to try and win her back.

So I languish in agony right now, but the minute I find someone else, she will be history to me.

Only when I have something to call my own will I be able to sit comfortably with her in the same room and not desire her so.

Until then, I believe that I will have to just go out there and find something. Not just anything, though-- this time I want it to be real.

One song that I was thinking of singing at Kevin's wedding: "I Believe When I Fall In Love Again It Will Be Forever" by Stevie Wonder.

But for right now, I'm singing another tune:


Ok, so your heart's broke. You sit around moping, crying, crying
you say you're even thinking about dying
Well, before you do anything rash, Dig this...

Everybody plays the fool sometime;
There's no exception to the rule.
Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel,
I ain't lying, everybody plays the fool.

Falling in love is such an easy thing to do,
And there's no guarantee that the one you love is gonna love you.
Oh, lovin' eyes they cannot see a certain person could never be;
Love runs deeper than any ocean,
And clouds your mind with emotion.

Everybody plays the fool sometime;
There's no exception to the rule.
Listen, baby, it may be factual, may be cruel,
I ain't lying, everybody plays the fool.

And when the music starts to play,
And your ability to reason is swept away,
Oh, heaven on earth is all you see;
You're out of touch with reality;
Love runs deeper than any ocean,
And clouds your mind with emotion

Everybody plays the fool, sometime,
They use your heart like a tool.
Listen, baby, they never tell you so in school
But everybody plays the fool.