forgiven

What the hell do I know about forgiveness?

I have never had to forgive anyone anything. That is to say, if someone ever did me a serious wrong, I never ever considered forgiving them.

I could move on, make up and still be friends with the person... but I could never forgive them.

I have never forgiven anyone, but I have been forgiven for my transgressions time and time again.

So, all I really know about forgiveness is how to receive it.


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Saturday night, a beautiful long-legged black girl in a sushi bar revealed to me that forgiveness is divine.

According to Wikipedia, "Forgiveness is the mental process of ceasing to feel resentment or anger against another person for a perceived offence, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the feelings of the person who forgives, or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be granted without any expectation of compensation, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of apology or restitution, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe they are able to forgive."

The beautiful black woman informed me that I am unable to grow unless I let these hurts and aches go.


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I have a long list of people I need to forgive.

First and foremost, my father. I forgive you for the things you did that destroyed our family and caused me to lose faith in everything around me.

I forgive all of the friends with whom I have strained relationships due to actions they took that (in my view) disrespected me. That includes Sharky, Eve, Laurie, Daniel, A-Dogg, Jeanie, and Bro Man.

I forgive Sophie for leaving me without any explanation.

I can't think of anymore off the top of my head. As the days go by, I will remember them slowly, one by one.


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I have never wanted to forgive anyone because I wanted to make them all pay. I wanted to make them all feel the pain and desperation that I feel. I wanted them to know what it feels like to be me.

What I've discovered is that none of that makes any difference. Some of these people who have hurt me (whether intentionally or unintentionally) have experienced horrible things that I thank God every day for not experiencing myself.

I always figured forgiveness to be a sucker's route, something that powerless people do when they know they are licked. I could never bring myself to do it.

It seemed like weakness, but the real weakness is to never forgive someone for their trespasses.

I used to say, "I can forgive, but I can't forget." That's not forgiveness. If I cannot allow myself to forget, then I am not forgiving that person.

What I understand now is that forgetting doesn't mean erasing the memory from my mind. Rather, it means that I should not focus on perceived slights as the basis for my relationships with people.

I have never asked to be forgiven, and yet people do it for me all the time. It seems so easy, but I know it's not. It's extremely difficult for me to bury the hatchet.

One day at a time, right?


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It doesn't happen overnight.

It takes a long time before the healing begins.

Because I waited so long before deciding to set myself free from this burden, it will take a while before I can be strong again.

By allowing myself to forgive, I am effectively going against the grain of everything I feel and believe about this world.

I'm sure I will feel rotten for months to come, years perhaps. There will be times when the vengeance and wrath inside my heart will come to the surface, like a natural instinct or a chemical reaction in a laboratory. I trained myself over the decades to be spiteful and bitter and hateful, and I did a good job of cultivating that anger and rage.

But at least I won't have to hurt like I do. At least I know that all of this is going towards making me a better person, not just in deed but in thought.

Still, it will take time, and it will be so hard to resist the temptations, the urge to wreak havoc upon anyone I see in my way.

In other words, it's going to be a long time before I can forgive myself.

I think this blog is done, don't you?

Yes, it is.

Have a nice one.