Ten years ago, an ex-girlfriend said to me:
"If I'm not married by the time I'm 50, will you marry me?"
I laughed and said, "sure."
Then, she went out and got married almost immediately.
So when Eve told me two months ago that she would marry me if she was 40 years old and didn't have anyone, my heart broke.
It has not healed.
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I'm not mad at you, Eve. I forgive you. I know you aren't asking for any forgiveness, but that's all I have to give now.
My heart is broken.
We can't be friends anymore, okay?
You don't really expect me to wait another ten years for you to decide that I am the one you really love, do you?
At this point, nothing makes any difference. I didn't want to marry you but I brought it up anyway, because our friends planted that seed in my head and I got curious. The last thing I wanted to do was scare you off. I never wanted to settle down or have a kid, but you have this annoying habit of thinking you know what I'm thinking when in reality you are miles off.
At least I got my closure with you. All I wanted when I contacted you again was to hear you apologize to me for sleeping with Sharky.
I got that out of you. Everything after that was just two people using each other... at least that's how you put it.
Silly me, I thought God (or whatever it is that puts me through this hell) was giving me a second chance.
I know now that I was wrong.
I understand the reasons why you will never ever EVER reciprocate what I feel for you. They are reasons that do not need to be voiced-- they are understood implicitly.
There is no explanation. For a moment there, I needed one. But not anymore.
I don't need to hear the excuses, because they are so transparent that even you don't believe them.
I know the truth. It is the same truth that every woman eventually discovers in terms of me. That's why I will always have a bunch of girlfriends, none of them who care or truly understand me. I suppose I am fated to be a perrenial bachelor.
And what that means is: By the time I'm 40, if I don't have anyone to call my own then what makes you think I would want you?
If this is the way my life is to be, then when I'm 40 years old I'll be dating 18 year olds and living out my mid-life crisis, not waiting on your beck and call.
Pathetic, yes. But I am resigned to it.
How about you? Are you resigned to give up the love of your life?
I know the answer. You don't have to entertain me with explanations.
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I know you read this blog. Do me a favor: Don't.
You're the reason I am not writing regularly here anymore. Stop reading this so I can write again... otherwise I'll just start a new blog elsewhere.
One good thing: Since you have decided that I don't exist to you anymore, I have gotten a lot done.
I guess I was wrong about you being my muse. You are NOT an inspiration. I get nothing done when I am with you. You are like artistic Kryptonite for me. I tried not to think about it, but it was no use. All we ever did when we were together was shut out the rest of the world, draw the blinds closed, and hide under the blankets.
I can't do that. I don't want to be afraid of what's out there. I don't blame you for being afraid, but I can't travel that road with you if you won't let me be.
It sucks that I am telling you in this way, but you won't talk to me anymore unless your new man is out doing something else and you are lonely and call me up on a Saturday when I'm in San Diego trying to forget you. So I have to let you know this way.
This is not 'goodbye', and this has nothing to do with forgiveness. This has to do with me being a fool and thinking that what we had was real.
On my end, it was real. On yours, it was not, and never was, and never will be.
I'm going where I'm wanted again, and this time I'm staying there.
When you are married to some guy and have a kid, I might say 'hello'. But that's about it.
Adios, amigo.
1 comment:
James,
You say you forgive, but there is a sense of pain and a twinge of bitterness in this post. I don't think "God" or the universe sent you this experience as a chance at anything but to learn what really matters, and that is that you have to learn to love yourself for who you are and not worry how anyone else feels or treats you. You seem to be saying that if you are still not with the right person when you are 40 that you will be resigned to some sort of failure. Do you think I am a failure or less worthy because I have not found the right person? Has it occured to you that maybe no one good enough or right for you has really come along? People tend to worry that it is because there is something wrong with them or that people will view them as failures for not having a relationship by a certain age, when in reality most relationships end prematurely--not having one only means you have not made the mistake of being in a relationship that is bound for failure in the first place. And I am sure you and I both have things we can work on in our lives to make us better partners when the right person DOES show up. The truth is that you need to see this for the blessing that it is, because these are the experiences that are preparing you to be the kind of person you need to be when the right person DOES arrive. Learning to love yourself and really forgive and understand people for thier mistakes takes a lot of courage, and is very hard, but once you learn to do it, it makes it a lot easier not to be hurt or take things so personally. The universe us sending you this lesson to teach you to be able to be detached your feelings of self-worth from situations like this while also being compassionate and understanding of other people. You are growing up. Luvs~Shannon
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