terrifying

I played my solo acoustic set last Tuesday.

It was terrifying.

I was so nervous. I've never been that nervous.

Ever.

I think that's what's been missing from my life in recent years.

I play shows with bands, and I'm not scared. I think this is a good thing, but I am beginning to see that sometimes you need to be afraid-- it reminds you that you are still alive.

Being unafraid is brave and noble, especially if trying to help others feel relaxed and less edgy... but when I was up on that stage, all by myself, with no one to fall back on, there was an exhilaration running through me that I haven't felt in ages.

I want that edginess back in my life. I've become too complacent. Without risking it all, anything I do on stage is an empty and wasted gesture.

And it translates to other mediums as well: after my show on Tuesday, I went to work and finished off what was left of the first half of my novel. I was still running off of the momentum of that nervous energy, and it propelled me forward with unparalleled vigor.

And throughout all of this, I was dead sober.

I've been born again hard, and this time I'm going to make full use of this new found power. I'm going to get things done and take care of business.

And I owe it all to Fear.