thoughts on sorrow

Kurt Vonnegut was on The Daily Show earlier this week. Here's a website that has a video of his appearance.

Vonnegut's books saved my life. Reading Breakfast Of Champions at age 15 made me realize that I wasn't the only person in the world who was suffering. Rather, it seemed like the entire universe was suffering, along with me, and Vonnegut's prose provided me with a release, a way of easing the pain of existence.

I can tell you this with no trace of irony or pathos: sometimes I feel like I've had enough. Sometimes I see the news and can't watch what's going on in Iraq, in New Orleans, or anywhere else; sometimes I wish that someone would put bullets through the heads of some of our world leaders;and often times I feel like I could put a bullet in my own temple.

But I never get around to it, and it's because I've found a way to keep my balance in this world. Reading people like Kurt Vonnegut is one way.

Another way is to open my heart to another living creature. Last night a friend dropped off a six week-old kitty cat at my apartment. Eve and I named him 'Marvin'. I instantly fell in love with this tiny creature, this mewing, jumping, furry ball of energy that scampers around my humble abode, innocent and wide-eyed.

My cat Otis is, of course, jealous. But I raised Otis to be a lover, not a fighter, and in due time he will accept Marvin as his buddy. It helps that I am being fair and showing both of them equal amounts of love, because Otis has been with me through lean times in the past six years, and I figured I owe it to him to give him a companion for those times when I'm not home.

The company of another human being makes the sorrow in my heart fade momentarily. Eve made dinner last night, and we watched a bunch of X-Files episodes that I have not yet seen. She also fell in love with Marvin-- in fact, she suggested the name after seeing him scuttle across the carpet like Marvin the Martian from the old Warner Bros. cartoons --and for an elongated moment there was peace in my mind.

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Today is Monique's birthday. I called her to wish her a happy 27th. She is 3,000 miles away, somewhere in the southeast United States. The last time I saw her was in May, when she and I were together. I never mentioned her in this blog because it is a complicated story, one compounded by the fact that she and I were only friends until her last visit to town.

We shared a passionate interlude that lasted the entire two weeks she was in town. I'd never known that she felt this way for me, even though I knew that I had a big crush on her. She was housesitting for her former boss while he was away on vacation, and so I found myself spending almost every night of that two week period with her.

When she left, she promised that she would return, but now she has misgivings because her five year-old brother will miss her if she leaves. Monique wants to move her family out here because she cannot stand it where she is at.

Since she left, I have bedded down with a few girls here and there, but I keep thinking of her. If she came back, I think I would make an effort to be with her... that is, if she wanted me in the same way. I am pretty sure she has had a few lovers out on her end-- she is very beautiful and desirable. I don't mind it, because I understand-- even if your heart belongs to one person, your body might want to wander somewhere else.

And so I have neglected to mention it in these blog pages because it is perplexing to think of what I am doing: for the first time in my life I have a wealth of options when it comes to love. I haven't committed to anyone so I am not cheating, and I am careful in my affairs (protection and whatnot). No one has made any demands upon me to be their one and only, so I am treading softly in this alien terrain, trying to figure out where I fit in.

I haven't had any kind of romantic relationship with Eve, because we already went through that earlier this year. Eve made the holidays bearable, and lately she and I have been really connecting on an amazing level of friendship. I will always love her, no matter what, but I owe it to myself to explore other options. Likewise, I don't expect Eve to put her life on hold for me-- I am sure she has had a few flings on the side, and I am mindful to not ask about them. Frankly, I don't want to know, and I'm sure she doesn't want to know about my dalliances either.

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So can you see why I have been hush about it all? Can you see why I have been hesitant to report on my activities throughout the summer?

I am not even sure I know what it all means. But what I do know is:

--This has been an extraordinary summer, filled with new friends, old acquaintances, and lots of creative synergy...

--I am entering my thirties with a renewed sense of the purpose of my life...

--This year has more than made up for the love drought I experienced after breaking up with Jeanie in 2000. The spell was broken late last year...

After Monique left, I met Dotty, a blues singer; Dharma, a former lawyer and now aspiring actress; and then I recently ran into Nicole, a girl who used to go to my high school... who now teaches at the very same high school!

This is all new to me. I've never been a "player" but I've always had female companionship, and now... now I seem to be reaping the benefits of my unorthodox lifestyle. I really don't know where this road is going to take me, but at least I understand why I am in the middle of this.

I am avoiding sorrow.

I have spent almost two decades of my life courting it, and now it is time to leave it alone. Sorrow needs no help from me to invoke it-- look around you, it comes about on its own, motivated by millions of external factors.

We cause our own sorrows and need no help from outside forces. Sometimes we bring sadness and despair upon ourselves as we are pursuing what we think is "happiness". I think the reason why my summer has been loving and exciting is because I finally made up my mind to go where I'm wanted... No more chasing after elusive prey-- from now on, I only keep company with the ones who seek me out, the ones who like what I have to say and don't want me to change.

This has reduced the Drama Quotient in my lovelife drastically.

Ten years ago, I ran after the ones who didn't want me, the ones I felt like I could never have. That was bunk. If I'd known then what I know now-- that there's a reason why those kinds of relationships never pan out --then I think my twenties would've been an epic love session for me. Not that my twenties were bad... I've been very fortunate to have loved and been loved in return... but now that I know what I want, I think I can keep up the momentum of this summer as the season fades into the Fall and its attendant weather.

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Today also happens to be Peter's birthday. His brother Purple Paulie is taking him out to Hooters and we're all invited, but before I join them I have to drive home and check up on Marvin and Otis.

I suspect that I'll be spending more time at home with the cats, reading and writing and painting and playing music and working on the computer.

And that's good, because it's cold outside.

I have a side job making graphic designs for a print shop. I also played a gig with Metalhead, the cover band, on Sunday. It went OK. Friday night, another Ninefinger show will cap off my week, and then this Saturday I travel with my family to State Line, on the outskirts of Vegas.

I am busy, but I don't feel tired.