The following is an exchange between myself and a bill collecting agency that occurred at 8:15 am PST.
ME: Hullo?
GIRL: Hi, is this James-- Ledsman?
ME: Close...
GIRL: Hello, my name is Anne from P________ Financial, we're calling in regards to your account with us.
ME: Oh, yeah, right...
GIRL: Have we caught you at a bad time?
ME: Well, frankly, yes... you just woke me up.
GIRL: I apologize for that sir, but we've been trying to reach you for some time now.
ME: Yeah, I just switched from the night shift back to the day shift.
GIRL: I see... well, we were wondering if we can expect payment sometime soon, since you are overdue.
ME: Yeah. I'll pay it. First of the month, when I get paid.
GIRL: Well, there's a problem with that. You see, in order to keep your account from going into further collection efforts, we need to receive a minimum payment of $______ by next Tuesday. Would you like to send in your payment or handle it with a check by phone?
ME: You don't seem to understand... I have no money until my next pay date. I will gladly pay it all on the first of February, but unfortunately I have nothing to give as of now.
GIRL: Can you hold on for a second, Mr. Ledsman?
ME: It's not LEDSMAN!
(pause, as the operator puts me on hold for two minutes)
MAN: This is Bill, can I help you?
ME: (pause) Uhhh, I think you got it backwards, buddy. You guys called me.
MAN: Mr. Ledsman, is it?
ME: Sure, why not?
MAN: It shows here that you have been delinquent for over six months.
ME: Is that what it says?
MAN: You mean you don't know?
ME: Evidently not, and don't act like you knew it from memory either, because I know you got a computer screen right there in front of you...
MAN: Why haven't you paid us, sir?
ME: Because I have no money.
MAN: I'm asking you a question, sir.
ME: And I gave you an answer.
MAN: No, you didn't. That's not an answer.
ME: Funny, sounded like an answer to me.
MAN: I want to know why you haven't paid us.
ME: I just told you why, you--
MAN: And I'm telling you that's not an acceptable answer.
ME: Fine-- take 50 points off my final score then...
MAN: What?
ME: You mean to tell me that you are calling me this early in the morning so that you can find out the exact reason why I'm not paying you right now?
MAN: Allow me to finish. You're talking over me...
ME: And you're talking over me! And I keep telling you that you won't get anything from me until the end of the month, okay?
MAN: Look here, Mr. Ledsman. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this here--
ME: And you're doing a bad job of it...
MAN: You need to act responsibly. You need to acknowledge your debts. You don't get anything for free in this world.
ME: (laughing) Listen to yourself! Are you guys monitoring this for training and research purposes?
(long pause)
ME: 'Cause if you ARE, then I'm afraid you are NOT doing a good job. Listen to yourself. You're raising your voice, delivering veiled threats, trying to scold me like a two year-old...
(At this point MAN decides to keep talking straight through my tirade, sticking to the script and uttering all of the formalities that he has been trained to go through when closing a call)
MAN: We will be speaking to you soon, Mr. Ledsman.
(hangs up)
ME: Hello? Hello? Well I'll be... HE HUNG UP ON ME!
(hysterical laughter as I hang up my line)
THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Call me around noon, and you'll speak to the humblest person on the planet. Call me when I haven't had any food, drink, or weed, however, and you're asking for a torrent of abuse.
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