Times are changing. And not for the good.
Browsing through the blogs, Hip Hop Music.com brought to my attention the existence of this news article about some guy who used to listen to rap music... until he actually sat down and listened to the lyrics of his favorite rappers.
Now he is convinced that Jay-Z, Kanye West, KRS-ONE and others are making "devil music" and he wants nothing to do with it. And, he's urging others to do the same.
One of the reasons why I have been lagging with my online novel is that my ideas are being superceded, at an alarming rate, by reality. Last night I was talking about rap lyrics to my bandmates, dropping slang and telling them what it meant, in case they ever wanted to say "Fuck the police" without being obvious or something along those lines.*
Driving home, I had the idea to use rap lyrics in an on-the-side storyline that had a woman leaving her fiancee at the altar thanks to a Lil' Jon song playing on the radio. Yes, I was trying to incorporate the Runaway Bride case into it as well.
And now I'm reading about a guy who took the time to decipher rap lyrics and was shocked to learn what the MCs were saying.
He is more concerned, however, with the Five Percent Nation of Islam imagery that swims through most conscious rap lyrics. Why isn't he concerned with the materialism and misogyny in rap? Maybe he is, but I guess the notion of the black man as God is more terrifying. (I believe that the man, James Fields, is black himself)
Finally, one of the commenters on Hip Hop Music.com gave up a link to this site, put up by angry atheists as an answer to Fundamentalist Christians who take the Bible way too literally.
This was another idea I'd had for the novel. I feel like I am touch with the world right now.
However, I know deep down that I am not.
*/*
I won't call it an epiphany, because I do that every time and it gets boring. Plus, it's not like I haven't known this simple truth about myself for years-- this is just the first time I have decided to do something about it, through actions and not just words.
I'm talking about my short-sightedness and narrow-mindedness when it comes to the opposite sex.
Yes, I believe in equality and respect and admiration for the female, but in reality I place them in unrealistic boxes inside my head. I have labels for all the women in my life so that I can safely deal with them on superficial levels. It is my attempt to control what I see as the uncontrollable nature of a woman: she has the power to make a man feel good or bad.
So, even as I preach tolerance and appreciation for women, I do not practice what I preach. Instead, I patronize women with my attitudes. I condescend to them, as if they need my approval or blessing to do whatever it is that their heart feels.
The Jennifer Wilbanks case has gotten me thinking about my overall perception of the women in my life. If I were John Mason, the man who wanted to marry her, I don't think I could keep going on with the wedding. But then again, I'm not in love with Jennifer Wilbanks, and there's no telling what a man will do when he loves a woman.
He can't keep his mind on nothin' else. He'd trade the world for the good thing he's found. If she is bad, he can't see it-- she can do no wrong. He'd turn his back on his best friend if he puts her down.
If she is playing him for a fool, he's the last one to know... for loving eyes can never see...
You get the gist.
Anyway, I think I see a lot of myself in John Mason. On the surface, I take him for a fool, but that's to show off in front of the guys. Deep inside, I know that I would be just as foolish as he is-- I'd probably stick by the bitch because I'm a sucker for love.
However, the "love" that I am a sucker to is an invention of my own mind. Just as all of my labels for women are just creations that emanate from my troubled soul, so is the concept of love that I have fashioned for myself.
I treat some girls like they have the plague, because they have jealous boyfriends whom I am trying not to offend; some girls I treat like hookers, because they have done things that wouldn't bat an eye if a man had done them; some girls I place on pedestals when they don't really deserve it; and others I completely ignore, thinking that I am doing them favors by not paying them any mind...
In short, I am not honest with women. I fabricate all sorts of rationalizations, but I can never give them a straight answer based upon my desires. I am constantly second-guessiing their words, their actions. I underestimate them just as much as I overestimate them.
Hanging with Eve on Sunday, I kept my mouth shut whenever I didn't need to be saying anything. This kept me from putting my foot in my mouth. When Paulie called me, I knew she was thinking that I was going to say, "Hey, let's go over to Paul's!"
Instead I took her for a drive to the record store, forcing the attention to focus on us.
I have been so wrong about her. I used to think that Eve was a strong, independent woman. And she is, on many levels. But after a while, the "strong, independent" label became my only way of dealing with her. It became a stereotype. If she ever showed vulnerability or weakness, it baffled me. It never occurred to me that she can be human too.
Eve is not the only one who suffers this brunt. I have done this to ALL of my female friends, lovers and peers. I am really the worst kind of male chauvinist, in that I never investigate what it really means to be a woman. I make assumptions, based on things that I've read and the limited amount of experiences I've had.
I can crow all day long about feeling like a woman, or being in touch with my feminine side... but the fact is, I am a man. I can be pigheaded and stubborn; I can be didactic and self-centered; I can be aggressive and obnoxious... men don't have the market cornered on that kind of behavior, but it does go hand-in-hand with being a male.
From now on, I will be as honest about my emotions as I can be. I will make an effort to not treat women as second-class citizens. I will not treat them like children who need help, or retarded kids who need guidance. If they show me affection, I will return the favor. If they ask me a question, I will actually answer it, instead of pontificating about everything but the answer.
Let's see if I can stick to it.
*= "Father U C King the police"
No comments:
Post a Comment