MOTHER'S DAY

This past weekend, it occurred to me that the worst thing that could ever happen to me in my life would be to lose my mother.

The mere thought of it causes me to cry uncontrollably.

I saw her this weekend, for Mother's Day, and I let her know what she means to me. She loved my portrait of her, even though I know I could do better.

I fear nothing else in this world. My own death? What is there to fear, other than a slow, painful death?

If my stepfather passed away, I would be crushed, but I would be able to go on. Same with my real father, except I would be consoled slightly by the sense of relief that would accompany it. If my real father died, part of me would be glad that he is finally out of his own misery.

But if my mother were to pass away, I don't think I could find a single reason to go on living.

I thought about all the people whose mothers are gone, and I salute them, for braving the world and continuing to move forward. They have more courage than I ever could possess.

My mother's mother died in 1991, from uterine cancer. And she went on with her life, parentless (my mother's father died when she was 12).

I've survived a lot of things, but now that I know what my biggest, darkest fear is, I hope that I can find the resources to not give up, come the inevitable day when she is no more.

What a weird way to celebrate Mother's Day, eh?