Last night, when I got out of rehearsal, I found that my car had been towed. I parked in a private parking lot across from the rehearsal studio and they jacked me hardcore.
Buddha, the drummer, gave me a ride home, but on the way back I kept thinking about my rotten luck lately.
I didn't have the money to get my car out-- $215 cash. I called Purple Paulie, who always has money, and he offered to let me borrow until payday. I thank him for that.
But it doesn't change my feelings. I'm giving up on music.
I'm not going to play in any bands anymore. I might still work on my own stuff, but really-- what's the point? I'm never going to be happy playing music, so long as I have to play with people who can't sing, can't write decent fucking song to save their life, and have bigger egos than I can handle.
It's not worth it to me to play my heart out just so I can get my car towed and be broke all the time. I might keep playing with the hair metal band, only because they want to make money. It's only worth it to make money, even if it's music that I hate.
What's the use of playing music if no one gives a damn? What's the use in playing music when I can't even pay to get my car out of the impound? What's the use in playing music if everyone around me is more concerned with being famous than being good at what they do?
I'm giving up, for the first time in my life. I'm throwing in the towel. You won, world. Hope you're happy.
I'd give up writing, if I could, but I'm too addicted to it. I feel like giving up on everything right now, because none of it is worth the heartache and the pain.
There's nothing motivating me beyond my own love for playing, and it just doesn't pay off. I'm going nowhere with stupid rock fantasies that will never come true. I'm just going to have to face the fact that I suck, because if I were any good, people would be telling me so.
I don't want pity, I don't want sympathy. I'm disabling the comments for this post, because I don't care what anyone has to say. No one gives a goddamn, so why should I?
I think I'm just going to call it quits on all of my dreams: art, music, writing... I'm just going to buckle down right now and settle on living a comfortable, boring life with no surprises and no drama.
Last night was the kind of hard reality lesson that I'm been in denial of for what seems like ages. What ever made me think that I had what it takes to be a musician? I've been so foolish, squandering my time, wasting it on people like Holly, who caved in immediately; people like Katie and Elle, who have no qualms about stepping over people to get what they want; people like the guys in ICON, who are so fucking insecure that they can't leave well enough alone.
From now on, my personal projects stay with me and me only. That way, I can hear this rap later on down the line: "Wow, man, I didn't know you could play. You should get a band going..."
Then I can tell them my war stories, about not being taken seriously, about being taken for granted, and how it all fell apart one night when my car got towed.
I don't know why it affected me so, but it did. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.
I don't even want to live vicariously through other people's dreams anymore. I just want to live my life, regardless of what anyone else says. I'm through with art. It hasn't given anything back to me. I'm alone because I choose art over human beings, and look what it has done for me: nothing.
I'm angry right now, but I'm not bitter. I can keep going on this route forever and ever. I have the energy to keep going, but I guess what I'm disappointed about is that no one shares my vision, and it's killing me to have to deal with the fevered egos of people around me.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Anyway, I need a break from it all, and maybe I will just disappear, as I always do, and reassess my situation. I'm sick of not being happy, I'm sick of doing things for other people who don't have the same intensity that I feel inside of me.
I'm not obligated to anyone, so it's my call. Do I say "Fuck it" or do I go on with the show?
I'll just have to figure it out myself.
