jerry & elaine (instant winners)

"It's exhausting being with you."

--Elaine Benes to Jerry Seinfeld, "The Red Dot", Seinfeld (Third Season)


I have come to realize, in the midst of my Seinfeld jones, that Eve and I have become Jerry & Elaine.

We dated a long time ago, it didn't work out, we went our separate ways, and now that we are both adults with our own separate lives... we're best friends.

And there's always that underlying tension...


*/*


I stumbled upon the Jerry & Elaine connection over breakfast on Sunday. Bro Man and I had just finished making avant-garde music a la Captain Beefheart and decided to grab a bite to eat at Andre's. I'd called Eve and asked her if she wanted to join us.

As we sat inside (an unusual arrangement for us, but all the tables outside were taken by one big hungry family) Bro Man and I talked about my Seinfeld obsession. Bro Man has always been a fan of the show, and he was gleefully volunteering Seinfeld-related trivia when Eve showed up and sat down next to us.

"Hey, you made it!"

"Yeah, I got your message..."

"We were just talking about Seinfeld."

"Oh, I can't watch that show," Eve said.

"You don't think it's funny?" Bro Man asked.

"No, it's just that... it's painful to watch sometimes. The whole lying thing..."

"That's what makes it funny," I said.

Suddenly, I took a big step back from our table in my mind, and I realized something that could conceivably be the gist of an episode of Seinfeld.

"Hey guys," I said. "Do you realize that we could be stand-ins for the Seinfeld cast?"

Bro Man and Eve looked at me and smirked. This was the kind of stuff that I liked to come up with, and they then looked at each other and smirked some more.

"All we need is a Kramer. Maybe I should've called Down Low."

Bro Man suddenly figured out what I was implying. "Oh, so I'm George, huh?"

"Of course you are," I said. "I'm Jerry, Eve's Elaine, and you're George. You're the black George."

Eve giggled. Bro Man gave me a "yeah yeah yeah" kind of look but it didn't bother him to be compared to Mr. Costanza. After all, he loves the show and has watched it longer than I have.

But then I thought about Eve and I, and how the Jerry & Elaine thing really is quite an accurate description of our current relationship.

I ordered my usual breakfast order and made small talk with my friends.


*/*


Later on in the evening, after Bro Man went home, Eve came by and we watched TV, ordered pizza, and shot the shit about life in general.

As of late, she and I have been hanging out, spending down time with each other. She gets lonely, I get lonely, we cleave to each other's lonliness and we also keep our affection and passion at an arm's length, lest we give in to lust and find ourselves back in the same situation as in January of this year.

I always wondered why Jerry and Elaine could never make it work, and after watching the show regularly for the past few months, I see it is because they are both immature.

They have so much in common, and yet they cannot reconcile themselves to each other. Eve and I are the same way: we can make things work with other people for long periods of time, but we cannot merge together and work as a functioning couple for the life of us.

She was in a relationship with Dick for nine years, and it worked out because Dick never had any motivation or ideas of his own. He was content to take the backseat to Eve, and she was more than willing to run the show.

I, however, am fiercely independent, and sometimes I am scared when Eve feels the need to take the controls and call the shots. In turn, she sometimes feels like I don't take her seriously, that I see her as a piece of ass, or nothing but a pretty face.

While I have learned (over time) to defer to Eve in certain respects, I also find that it is almost necessary for me to be there, to take over for her in case she drops the ball. She used to resent this aspect of my personality, chalking it up to my need to always be right as opposed to my need to be helpful. Nowadays, she is more willing to let me call some shots, so long as I am not leading her down some insane path that only I can tolerate.

Last Friday we went out to see my old guitarist Mikey play at The Troubador. Mikey is now a singer, and his band is a cross between Oingo Boingo, System Of A Down, and Mr. Bungle. I asked Eve if she wanted to come with me, and she agreed.

We had a great time, watching the band, talking with Mikey's girlfriend afterwards as she informed us of her mission to save all the bunny rabbits in L.A. County. Eve liked the band so much she asked for a CD. She and I have never been out on the town like that, and it felt great.

Of course, feelings do rise to the fore, emotions of love and trust, of hurt and betrayal, and we have our petty jealousies and grievances. I think she tends to get overly embarrassed whenever I start talking in conversations because she thinks I am constantly joking; conversely, I sometimes feel like less of a man when she demands to pay for drinks and food.

We have our issues.


*/*


One thing that I've always loved about Eve: extraordinary things seem to happen when she and I are alone.

The following may not seem that extraordinary, but in the proper context it is definitely noteworthy:

The pizza guy came with an order for us, but he forgot to give us two sodas. He only gave us one, and we decided to split it.

Eve opened the cap on the 1-liter bottle and said, "Hey! We won a free liter of Coke!'

"Get out of here," I said. "Really?"

Eve showed me the cap. Indeed, we were instant winners.

"In all of my years of drinking sodas, I have NEVER won anything from the cap," I said. "Seriously-- this is the closest I've ever come to that."

"Same here," she said, excited by such a random event.

"Here, you keep it in your purse. You can redeem it at any retailer."

Eve read the label and figured out that the odds of winning are one in five.

She and I are always at odds with other people, and when we work as a team she and I can accomplish so much. And yet, our emotions make us complicated, our feelings for each other are confused and sincere and utterly tragic.

I recall once, long ago... she and I were out late-- I had snuck her out of her house on a school night. We walked the streets of Northridge near her house, and she flicked a finished cigarette butt into the air. It landed on the ground in a most unusual manner: vertically, as if placed on the uneven pavement of the road by human hands, standing up and pointing to the sky. It was not a shared hallucination or a flight of fancy-- this was real, and we were the only ones around to witness it.

I guess that's what love is and what it can be: a conspiracy of two, with only the other person's word to verify and back up any claims made.


*/*


I wonder what will become of us. Will she eventually meet a man (or a woman) who will satisfy her every need? Will I meet Ms. Right and settle down? And if we do, will she and I still be friends? Will the tension still be there?

Or, will we end up discovering that there is no one else out there who can reach either of us, and that we are better off with each other than apart?

I am reminded of an episode of Seinfeld that left me speechless. It's the one where Jerry's current girlfriend decides to make him mad, just to see him show an honest emotion. This leads to Jerry exploring his emotions and getting in touch with them. He has a conversation with Elaine and tells her everything he has ever felt about her. This jars her, and she takes some time to think it all over.

Then, George decides to reveal to Jerry everything inside of him. The intensity of George's revelations (which are never shown on screen) shock Jerry so much that he reverts back to his repressed, smug little self.

Elaine shows up near the end of the episode and says to Jerry, "Let's go for it. You were right, everything we ever wanted is right here in front of us. Why not?"

And, of course, Jerry callously shrugs it all off. Elaine is disappointed. Jerry goes back to the comfortable insularity of being Jerry Seinfeld.

My jaw was open when I saw that episode. I was horrified. It was so devastating and cruel. And yet, it was entirely realistic in its blackly humorous depiction of shallow people who choose to hide their feelings in order to protect themselves from rejection and failure. Jerry is painted as returning to a "normal" state of mind, but really-- he regressed and stepped backward instead of forward.

For that one moment, I hated Jerry Seinfeld. And then, I realized that I hate him because I can relate to him. I have done that, I have been in that situation, and there but for the grace of God go I.

I wonder if Eve and I will ever go through something like that again. Lord knows, we've already had our respective moments with each other. Both of us have rejected and been the rejecter. I think we are evenly matched, but maybe it's time for us to lay down our arms.

It's easier said than done. And until it gets done, I am content to watch DVDs with her while eating pizza, smoking cigarettes, and making conversation.

I mean, even if we can't bring ourselves to admit we care for each other, maybe we can make our moments together worthwhile anyway.

The odds are in our favor on that one...