I never blog about work... hell, I never really write about it in general.
Anyone who reads this blog is probably reading it from work anyway, so why remind them of what they want to forget?
Work is something you do, and unless your work is highly interesting (photojournalist, political campaign manager, rogue archaeologist with a bullwhip and a fedora) no one should ever have to read about it.
Any and all ruminations should be shared for interaction with people in the flesh and possibly over the phone. If not for work, what would married couples have to talk to each other about at the end of the day? If not for work, how would I ever find out about my female friends' co-workers and their attempts to sabotage them? If not for work, would I even be able to carry on a conversation with anyone else that I marginally know?
Talk about it, share it with others, laugh it off... Just don't write about it.
It's unlucky, I guess. I learned a long time ago not to write about work, out of fear of jinxing my gigs. I may seem rational and enlightened in print, but I've got some weird superstitions regarding the workplace.
How many times did I ever mention my work in this blog or in the blog before this one? Less than you can count on one hand, I suppose. Usually it was because I had a crush on some girl I worked with and I had to paint a picture for the benefit of my readers. Otherwise, I stay away from that well-- there's nothing to draw from it.
As I continue to finalize my adjustments to this new gig, I feel like I can write a little bit about it. But I won't go into detail, and if I do it will be in private.
You see, I still haven't found my angle yet. To write about something, you always need an angle, a perspective, a slant that is unique.
The angle can be a tried-and-true formula too, just so long as you remember to make it distinctive. I write about my love life often, and we all know how beaten that horse's corpse is, but what I choose to emphasize determines whether or not it is readable and enjoyable. If (for example) I decided to bore you with the more mundane aspects of my past relationship with Eve-- the grocery shopping trips, the standing in line at Blockbuster, the uneventful minutiae of our shared days --the impact would be dulled and no one would be receptive to the highlights I choose to focus on: the romance, the misunderstandings, the tiffs, the humorous instances, the glorious occasions that resemble normalcy...
This new job is hard to nail down, but I feel that I should at least give you an idea of what I do for a living.
*/*
I work for a company whose name I will not divulge, and they specialize in architecture and furniture. Their products are very modern, usually prefabricated, and exceedingly high-end.
Their headquarters is in Santa Monica, but I work near Downtown Los Angeles, where the offshoot factory has been set up. This location is a mix of blue-collar steel/wood workers and the office staff, of which I am a part. The attitude is casual and mellow, with a hint of the lowbrow that always appeals to my Everyman instincts.
The Santa Monica office seems to me like some vaulted mausoleum, staffed not with flesh-and-blood humans but cybernetic architects that barely move or make noise. I am positive that having a stick lodged in one's anus is a prerequisite to working there. Luckily, I don't have to see or even speak to anyone in Santa Monica unless I have to, so I can't really complain.
Obviously there are pros and cons to each office environment: The factory is great but the air is bad, seeing as we are only a stone's throw away from a meat-packing plant and many landfills; Santa Monica is nice and breezy but the yuppies in the area make me want to vomit, and I hear they've banned smoking in most of the city.
(Funny that I should be concerned with the bad air in one location and the lack of permissible smoking in the other...)
The money is swell but I am working ten hour days, and the overtime pay I receive is calculated by hours in the day, not hours throughout the week. My first full-time paycheck was a shocker because of the amount of taxes Uncle Sam jacked me for, but I made a few adjustments on my W-4 and that made a slight difference. The overtime is responsible for the increase in taxes but at least I'll get money back next year... That is, if I don't forget to re-adjust my W-4 before the end of the tax period.
I sit at a desk in the upstairs office. It is not a conventional desk-- it was made by the carpenters in the Wood Shop. I like it because it is as far from corporate chic as we can get. The office seems like more of a clubhouse than a place where people make phone calls and use computers.
I talk on the phone (sometimes I answer if the receptionist is gone), send e-mail correspondence to liaisons, fax quotes back and forth with vendors, collect invoices, draw up work orders, run light errands, and basically do whatever I am told. I have no experience in this field and I truly do not belong here, but thanks to the wonders of graft I am employed here gainfully based upon a reference from my friend Nina's current beau, who has worked for the company for a while.
The factory is all new, and they needed to hire anyone to help. I would have never had a chance at this place if not for that stipulation. The foreman, the supers, everyone knew I was greener than a baby's booger, and yet they hired me.
I am now approaching the end of my 90-day probation period, and I don't know what to expect, but I suspect it won't be too bad. Even if they let me go, it was nice while it lasted. I like the people here, and the work is challenging because I know NOTHING... and that's the way I like it, I am finding out.
Still, the guys at the radio station have been calling me, asking if I want to do weekends here and there. I said I'd think about it, because the extra money would be too hard to turn down. Who knows how it will all turn out? All I know is the main reason I left the station was that they were moving to Anaheim at the end of the year, and that is a commute I am not willing to make.
So maybe I will just work my ass of with both places until the end of the year, around the holidays. I'll surely have enough money for Christmas presents, and if I have enough money saved up by then I can put it down on a new car, or maybe a used car in tip-top condition that isn't too old.
*/*
I went to the gas station this morning to buy cigarettes and fill up my tank. It dawned on me, as I put money back into my wallet, that my wallet is never empty these days. I slid the change between the 20s I withdrew from the bank ATM two days ago, which hasn't whittled away by very much.
It is insane to actually have money in my pockets. I still cannot get over how my lifestyle has improved over my financial situation a mere four months ago. I was scrounging for change in couch cushions, borrowing money from benefactors, selling DVDs and CDs for gas money, and I always ran out of funds two days before my next payday.
No more sliding into home plate every two weeks-- the paycheck-to-paycheck days are over. And what's more, I'm not spending money the way I used to when I was in my twenties. Except for one or two occasions when I truly went overboard, I have been pinching pennies and putting them in my savings account.
Of course, I am spending tremendous amounts of money on gas, but that's nothing new. Besides, the gas prices are just so ridiculous now-- of course I'm going to bemoan what I'm spending on gasoline... but at least I don't drive an SUV.
In the past three months I have bought some much-needed gadgets and doodads for my home studio along with some new clothes, especially new shoes and boxers. Other than that and a few pricey dinners and bar tabs, I've been as frugal as can be.
I haven't even bought a new CD since June, which leads me to believe that I only buy music when I am stressed out concerning my income. When I'm depressed, I don't buy anything new. Instead, I go back and listen to old stuff. Sometimes that old stuff is formerly new stuff that I never got around to hearing until I got sad.
When I receive a paycheck and I know that all the money is already spent and that I'll only have a few bucks to my name after the bills get paid, my attitude is that I deserve a little something for myself to keep me happy. That's the only way I can explain how I have resisted the urge to go to Tower or Amoeba or Second Spin and drop some serious doll on some muse.
Speaking of Second Spin, according to my last credit report I owe them $50 from four years ago. All I have to do is pay them and it's off the books. I owe less than $750 total, to various creditors and banks. This debt has been slowly attended to over the course of the past five years but I've only made real progress as of late.
Add all this together with the fact that I am eating healthier and actually started running laps again, and you get a man who is mostly happy... That is to say, as happy as I can get at one time.
That's not a bad thing.
What is bad is that I am still human, and I fall prey to wants and needs and moods and phases. But I'm also working on the novel again, and that is good. That novel is a monster but I am whipping it into some semblance of a coherent vision.
Plus, Mercury will leave its retrograde state a few days after July ends, which means that things will get slightly easier.
After five years of ups and downs, I am finally making the money I should've been making all along. A Bush in the White House, 9/11, a tumbling economy and the unemployment blues all contributed to me taking a mighty big fall, but I got up, dusted myself off, and kept on moving.
In the process, I started up some new projects and rekindled some old works. I'm going full-steam ahead right now, and I can't say I love it or hate it-- it just is.
I work in a factory but I'm not a factory worker. Regardless, I am continuing forward like a machine, and nothing will stop me from getting where I have to go.
Nothing.
Have a beautiful weekend.
Friday, July 28, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
good comment
The following is a comment that a friend made on my most recent post, which I have decided to delete because it was too negative... but the comment was shiny and bright, so I kept that instead.
James,
You say you forgive, but there is a sense of pain and a twinge of bitterness in this post. I don't think "God" or the universe sent you this experience as a chance at anything but to learn what really matters, and that is that you have to learn to love yourself for who you are and not worry how anyone else feels or treats you. You seem to be saying that if you are still not with the right person when you are 40 that you will be resigned to some sort of failure. Do you think I am a failure or less worthy because I have not found the right person? Has it occured to you that maybe no one good enough or right for you has really come along? People tend to worry that it is because there is something wrong with them or that people will view them as failures for not having a relationship by a certain age, when in reality most relationships end prematurely--not having one only means you have not made the mistake of being in a relationship that is bound for failure in the first place. And I am sure you and I both have things we can work on in our lives to make us better partners when the right person DOES show up. The truth is that you need to see this for the blessing that it is, because these are the experiences that are preparing you to be the kind of person you need to be when the right person DOES arrive. Learning to love yourself and really forgive and understand people for thier mistakes takes a lot of courage, and is very hard, but once you learn to do it, it makes it a lot easier not to be hurt or take things so personally. The universe us sending you this lesson to teach you to be able to be detached your feelings of self-worth from situations like this while also being compassionate and understanding of other people. You are growing up.
Luvs~Shannon
James,
You say you forgive, but there is a sense of pain and a twinge of bitterness in this post. I don't think "God" or the universe sent you this experience as a chance at anything but to learn what really matters, and that is that you have to learn to love yourself for who you are and not worry how anyone else feels or treats you. You seem to be saying that if you are still not with the right person when you are 40 that you will be resigned to some sort of failure. Do you think I am a failure or less worthy because I have not found the right person? Has it occured to you that maybe no one good enough or right for you has really come along? People tend to worry that it is because there is something wrong with them or that people will view them as failures for not having a relationship by a certain age, when in reality most relationships end prematurely--not having one only means you have not made the mistake of being in a relationship that is bound for failure in the first place. And I am sure you and I both have things we can work on in our lives to make us better partners when the right person DOES show up. The truth is that you need to see this for the blessing that it is, because these are the experiences that are preparing you to be the kind of person you need to be when the right person DOES arrive. Learning to love yourself and really forgive and understand people for thier mistakes takes a lot of courage, and is very hard, but once you learn to do it, it makes it a lot easier not to be hurt or take things so personally. The universe us sending you this lesson to teach you to be able to be detached your feelings of self-worth from situations like this while also being compassionate and understanding of other people. You are growing up.
Luvs~Shannon
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
to eve
Ten years ago, an ex-girlfriend said to me:
"If I'm not married by the time I'm 50, will you marry me?"
I laughed and said, "sure."
Then, she went out and got married almost immediately.
So when Eve told me two months ago that she would marry me if she was 40 years old and didn't have anyone, my heart broke.
It has not healed.
*/*
I'm not mad at you, Eve. I forgive you. I know you aren't asking for any forgiveness, but that's all I have to give now.
My heart is broken.
We can't be friends anymore, okay?
You don't really expect me to wait another ten years for you to decide that I am the one you really love, do you?
At this point, nothing makes any difference. I didn't want to marry you but I brought it up anyway, because our friends planted that seed in my head and I got curious. The last thing I wanted to do was scare you off. I never wanted to settle down or have a kid, but you have this annoying habit of thinking you know what I'm thinking when in reality you are miles off.
At least I got my closure with you. All I wanted when I contacted you again was to hear you apologize to me for sleeping with Sharky.
I got that out of you. Everything after that was just two people using each other... at least that's how you put it.
Silly me, I thought God (or whatever it is that puts me through this hell) was giving me a second chance.
I know now that I was wrong.
I understand the reasons why you will never ever EVER reciprocate what I feel for you. They are reasons that do not need to be voiced-- they are understood implicitly.
There is no explanation. For a moment there, I needed one. But not anymore.
I don't need to hear the excuses, because they are so transparent that even you don't believe them.
I know the truth. It is the same truth that every woman eventually discovers in terms of me. That's why I will always have a bunch of girlfriends, none of them who care or truly understand me. I suppose I am fated to be a perrenial bachelor.
And what that means is: By the time I'm 40, if I don't have anyone to call my own then what makes you think I would want you?
If this is the way my life is to be, then when I'm 40 years old I'll be dating 18 year olds and living out my mid-life crisis, not waiting on your beck and call.
Pathetic, yes. But I am resigned to it.
How about you? Are you resigned to give up the love of your life?
I know the answer. You don't have to entertain me with explanations.
*/*
I know you read this blog. Do me a favor: Don't.
You're the reason I am not writing regularly here anymore. Stop reading this so I can write again... otherwise I'll just start a new blog elsewhere.
One good thing: Since you have decided that I don't exist to you anymore, I have gotten a lot done.
I guess I was wrong about you being my muse. You are NOT an inspiration. I get nothing done when I am with you. You are like artistic Kryptonite for me. I tried not to think about it, but it was no use. All we ever did when we were together was shut out the rest of the world, draw the blinds closed, and hide under the blankets.
I can't do that. I don't want to be afraid of what's out there. I don't blame you for being afraid, but I can't travel that road with you if you won't let me be.
It sucks that I am telling you in this way, but you won't talk to me anymore unless your new man is out doing something else and you are lonely and call me up on a Saturday when I'm in San Diego trying to forget you. So I have to let you know this way.
This is not 'goodbye', and this has nothing to do with forgiveness. This has to do with me being a fool and thinking that what we had was real.
On my end, it was real. On yours, it was not, and never was, and never will be.
I'm going where I'm wanted again, and this time I'm staying there.
When you are married to some guy and have a kid, I might say 'hello'. But that's about it.
Adios, amigo.
"If I'm not married by the time I'm 50, will you marry me?"
I laughed and said, "sure."
Then, she went out and got married almost immediately.
So when Eve told me two months ago that she would marry me if she was 40 years old and didn't have anyone, my heart broke.
It has not healed.
*/*
I'm not mad at you, Eve. I forgive you. I know you aren't asking for any forgiveness, but that's all I have to give now.
My heart is broken.
We can't be friends anymore, okay?
You don't really expect me to wait another ten years for you to decide that I am the one you really love, do you?
At this point, nothing makes any difference. I didn't want to marry you but I brought it up anyway, because our friends planted that seed in my head and I got curious. The last thing I wanted to do was scare you off. I never wanted to settle down or have a kid, but you have this annoying habit of thinking you know what I'm thinking when in reality you are miles off.
At least I got my closure with you. All I wanted when I contacted you again was to hear you apologize to me for sleeping with Sharky.
I got that out of you. Everything after that was just two people using each other... at least that's how you put it.
Silly me, I thought God (or whatever it is that puts me through this hell) was giving me a second chance.
I know now that I was wrong.
I understand the reasons why you will never ever EVER reciprocate what I feel for you. They are reasons that do not need to be voiced-- they are understood implicitly.
There is no explanation. For a moment there, I needed one. But not anymore.
I don't need to hear the excuses, because they are so transparent that even you don't believe them.
I know the truth. It is the same truth that every woman eventually discovers in terms of me. That's why I will always have a bunch of girlfriends, none of them who care or truly understand me. I suppose I am fated to be a perrenial bachelor.
And what that means is: By the time I'm 40, if I don't have anyone to call my own then what makes you think I would want you?
If this is the way my life is to be, then when I'm 40 years old I'll be dating 18 year olds and living out my mid-life crisis, not waiting on your beck and call.
Pathetic, yes. But I am resigned to it.
How about you? Are you resigned to give up the love of your life?
I know the answer. You don't have to entertain me with explanations.
*/*
I know you read this blog. Do me a favor: Don't.
You're the reason I am not writing regularly here anymore. Stop reading this so I can write again... otherwise I'll just start a new blog elsewhere.
One good thing: Since you have decided that I don't exist to you anymore, I have gotten a lot done.
I guess I was wrong about you being my muse. You are NOT an inspiration. I get nothing done when I am with you. You are like artistic Kryptonite for me. I tried not to think about it, but it was no use. All we ever did when we were together was shut out the rest of the world, draw the blinds closed, and hide under the blankets.
I can't do that. I don't want to be afraid of what's out there. I don't blame you for being afraid, but I can't travel that road with you if you won't let me be.
It sucks that I am telling you in this way, but you won't talk to me anymore unless your new man is out doing something else and you are lonely and call me up on a Saturday when I'm in San Diego trying to forget you. So I have to let you know this way.
This is not 'goodbye', and this has nothing to do with forgiveness. This has to do with me being a fool and thinking that what we had was real.
On my end, it was real. On yours, it was not, and never was, and never will be.
I'm going where I'm wanted again, and this time I'm staying there.
When you are married to some guy and have a kid, I might say 'hello'. But that's about it.
Adios, amigo.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Maybe She Was Right ABout Me Being A Vampire
I've been told to gaze at the sun
when it rises and sets
Possible replenishment could come from this
an extended solar kiss
I see nothing in the surface
except for endless fire
breathing
contracting
Spend my time redacting statements
taking my mind higher
shunting desire
Simmering summer season
sears my sensibilities
Sends me incensed and frenzied
breathless with energy
into the barren deep bluff
Flirting on the edge of engulfment
waiting for my sensitive skin
to toughen
My days lived out in a baked daze
My nights wasted and drained
Poisons calm demons and
serums stake claims
Powders and elixirs suggest
calamitous consequences
A lust for danger
flails in my gut
but fails to erupt--
A mental coffin nailed shut
Say what you will
but to stay out
in the daylight
is a bitter pill
to swallow
Better that I spend my moments
wallowing
in the mud to keep cool
Following blood
and discrete rules
Borrowing drugs
to deceive fools
Maybe she was right about me being a vampire
when it rises and sets
Possible replenishment could come from this
an extended solar kiss
I see nothing in the surface
except for endless fire
breathing
contracting
Spend my time redacting statements
taking my mind higher
shunting desire
Simmering summer season
sears my sensibilities
Sends me incensed and frenzied
breathless with energy
into the barren deep bluff
Flirting on the edge of engulfment
waiting for my sensitive skin
to toughen
My days lived out in a baked daze
My nights wasted and drained
Poisons calm demons and
serums stake claims
Powders and elixirs suggest
calamitous consequences
A lust for danger
flails in my gut
but fails to erupt--
A mental coffin nailed shut
Say what you will
but to stay out
in the daylight
is a bitter pill
to swallow
Better that I spend my moments
wallowing
in the mud to keep cool
Following blood
and discrete rules
Borrowing drugs
to deceive fools
Maybe she was right about me being a vampire
Thursday, July 20, 2006
grudges
It's amazing how many grudges I hold.
I always told myself that I was a nice guy, an open-minded dude with a soft side.
There is an aspect of that which is true, but it doesn't take into account my mean streak.
The majority of my mean streak is consumed by my long memory. The same faculties that allow me to recall pop cultural trivia and inconsequential minutiae effectively also causes me to not relent from my personal grievances and vendettas.
Although I very rarely indulge in it, my mind brims with revenge scenarios constantly. Every once in a while, something happens to someone that I am secretly angry at, and I sit back bemused and confident, attributing their bad luck to 'karmic justice'...
What a load of shit on my part. It's like those Born Again Christians who are smug in their belief that everyone else is going to Hell except for themselves.
*/*
Every day since Sunday, I have remembered someone that I cut out of my life simply because they said or did something that pissed me off and diminished any respect I may have had for them.
I am also remembering some of the beefs that were so petty and insignificant to begin with that I actually forgot about them for a while. When I would get wind of them again, I'd renew my anger at the person who wronged me, even though I hadn't wished them ill for some time.
I remember my last steady girlfriend, and how it was me-- not her --who broke it off, simply because she told me about the time she had sex with her friend's fiancee... the day before they were to be married.
I never told Jeanie the real reason why I wanted to end it. I never told her that I couldn't trust her, and that I was afraid she'd do the same thing to me at some point.
Granted, she wasn't repentant about her past deed, which caused me more alarm than the admission itself, so maybe I was justified in my aversion to her.
But I should've been honest with her, and I should've acknowledged my fear so that she could understand what bothered me.
She and I had a good thing. It was hard to break up with her. In order to refrain from reneging on my will, I kept a notebook that documented all of the bad things she and I encountered during our short but passionate relationship.
Any time I felt bad or missed her, I pulled out that yellow notebook and re-read my entries. It was a great way to remind myself of what kind of up-and-down roller-coaster we were on.
But I wonder if it didn't cause me to ignore my instincts. Every time my heart longed for her, I would read the notebook in order to steady my resolve. Every time I told myself "Man, you care about her... you should just let it go..." I would pull out the poems and recall how wrong she did me sometimes.
I'm sure she left our relationship wondering just who the hell I was, and why I was so unwilling to take a chance.
She doesn't talk to me now. It's been 6 years since I last saw her.
I used to think she just hated me, but something tells me that I broke her heart and now she is the one who cannot forgive.
It's OK. I deserve it. I'm not going to try and get in touch with her. Live and let live.
*/*
I am curious to see if this is just another phase or if I am truly sincere about wanting to forgive and forget.
It's not as difficult as it seemed at first, but that can be deceptive. Just because I am embracing the concept of letting bygones be bygones doesn't mean it will last for very long. I'm sure that somewhere down the line someone will do something to me that I will find unforgivable in the least.
That will be the true test.
I'm just not ready to turn the other cheek 100% yet. I can do it, and have done it on many occasions... but lately my first reaction has been to smack someone back if they smack me first.
I have a lot of pride, and when it gets wounded I get defensive. But my pride doesn't allow me to go apeshit in the way that I'd prefer, so instead I get confrontational and rude. I mask it all in the pretense of "lively debate" or "open-minded discussion" but really I am finding ways to communicate my ideas in the coldest, iciest manner possible.
I'm sick of making people feel bad for making human mistakes. It's not my business or responsibility to do that. It's not my job to sit there and tell people, "I told you so" or any of that self-righteous bullcrap.
So what have I been doing to train myself to forgive?
Just like with the yellow notebook, I am resorting to a popular medium in order to reinforce my will. However, in addition to writing it out I am also trying to expose myself to works of art that employ the theme of forgiveness.
I've been listening to "A Quick One (While He's Away)" by The Who. I wrote about that song in May of 2005, in a short post that barely scratched the surface of what that song means to me personally.
It was an early attempt at a rock opera for a young Pete Townshend. At the urging of their producer, Kit Lambert, Townshend penned a ten-minute long suite comprised of six different song ideas. They were short of songs for the next LP and this measure was done to fill out the album.
The six parts of the suite were as follows:
The a cappella introduction, "Her Man's Gone"
"Crying Town", which sets the scene by introducing the main character, a woman who is sad because her lover is far away and has been gone for a long while.
"We Have A Remedy" is a rousing chorus of voices (presumably the woman's friends) urging her to temporarily hook up with studly Ivor the Engine Driver, in order to get some relief.
"Ivor The Engine Driver" is a humorous interlude where Ivor speaks for himself, announcing his lecherous intentions in a thick Cockney accent with an English music hall backing.
"Soon Be Home" flirts with country & western music, the only lyrics being the title. It shows that the woman's lover is on his way back to his beloved.
But the part I am focusing on-- which also happens to be the most famous and recognizable part of the song --is the finale "You Are Forgiven", which resolves the conflict climactically: The lover returns, so glad to see his beloved again; she in turn confesses right off the bat to her infidelity and explains why she did it.
And then he sings to her, "You are forgiven" and The Who repeat this refrain over and over until the finish of the song, when Pete Townshend declares "We're all forgiven!" before ending the epic tale.
The refrain is divided between the three Who vocalists: lead singer Roger Daltrey handles the middle register and harmony while Pete goes as low as he can with the melody; that leaves the late, great John Entwistle (aka "The Ox") to deliver the excellent falsetto.
Every time I hear this part of the song (it was featured in the movie Rushmore) tears well up in my eyes. Just thinking about it sends chills up my spine. Maybe all those instances in the past were signs that I was longing to forgive the people who have hurt me in my life, but I just couldn't bring myself to admit it.
I'm sure Pete Townshend wrote the song about a girlfriend he used to have-- he addressed the topic later on in the full-blown rock opera Tommy: Captain Walker comes home from WWI to find his wife in bed with another man. In a fit of rage, he kills the man in front of his son whom he has never seen, Tommy Walker. This causes Tommy to psychosomatically become deaf dumb and blind.
The consequences of jealousy and rage, according to this treatement of the infidelity theme, are far-ranging and more harmful than we think.
Pete also approached the same subject matter in the early hit "I Can See For Miles" but in a different tone. Rather than being forgiving, his tone in "Miles" is one of watchful paranoia: "I know you've deceived me now here's a surprise/ I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes/ I can see for miles and miles..."
Is it any wonder that "Miles" is my all-time favorite Who song? Or that "Miles" was written before "A Quick One" while Tommy was written afterwards?
I will always love that song, but for now "A Quick One" is my new favorite. Let's hope it stays like that for a long time coming.
I always told myself that I was a nice guy, an open-minded dude with a soft side.
There is an aspect of that which is true, but it doesn't take into account my mean streak.
The majority of my mean streak is consumed by my long memory. The same faculties that allow me to recall pop cultural trivia and inconsequential minutiae effectively also causes me to not relent from my personal grievances and vendettas.
Although I very rarely indulge in it, my mind brims with revenge scenarios constantly. Every once in a while, something happens to someone that I am secretly angry at, and I sit back bemused and confident, attributing their bad luck to 'karmic justice'...
What a load of shit on my part. It's like those Born Again Christians who are smug in their belief that everyone else is going to Hell except for themselves.
*/*
Every day since Sunday, I have remembered someone that I cut out of my life simply because they said or did something that pissed me off and diminished any respect I may have had for them.
I am also remembering some of the beefs that were so petty and insignificant to begin with that I actually forgot about them for a while. When I would get wind of them again, I'd renew my anger at the person who wronged me, even though I hadn't wished them ill for some time.
I remember my last steady girlfriend, and how it was me-- not her --who broke it off, simply because she told me about the time she had sex with her friend's fiancee... the day before they were to be married.
I never told Jeanie the real reason why I wanted to end it. I never told her that I couldn't trust her, and that I was afraid she'd do the same thing to me at some point.
Granted, she wasn't repentant about her past deed, which caused me more alarm than the admission itself, so maybe I was justified in my aversion to her.
But I should've been honest with her, and I should've acknowledged my fear so that she could understand what bothered me.
She and I had a good thing. It was hard to break up with her. In order to refrain from reneging on my will, I kept a notebook that documented all of the bad things she and I encountered during our short but passionate relationship.
Any time I felt bad or missed her, I pulled out that yellow notebook and re-read my entries. It was a great way to remind myself of what kind of up-and-down roller-coaster we were on.
But I wonder if it didn't cause me to ignore my instincts. Every time my heart longed for her, I would read the notebook in order to steady my resolve. Every time I told myself "Man, you care about her... you should just let it go..." I would pull out the poems and recall how wrong she did me sometimes.
I'm sure she left our relationship wondering just who the hell I was, and why I was so unwilling to take a chance.
She doesn't talk to me now. It's been 6 years since I last saw her.
I used to think she just hated me, but something tells me that I broke her heart and now she is the one who cannot forgive.
It's OK. I deserve it. I'm not going to try and get in touch with her. Live and let live.
*/*
I am curious to see if this is just another phase or if I am truly sincere about wanting to forgive and forget.
It's not as difficult as it seemed at first, but that can be deceptive. Just because I am embracing the concept of letting bygones be bygones doesn't mean it will last for very long. I'm sure that somewhere down the line someone will do something to me that I will find unforgivable in the least.
That will be the true test.
I'm just not ready to turn the other cheek 100% yet. I can do it, and have done it on many occasions... but lately my first reaction has been to smack someone back if they smack me first.
I have a lot of pride, and when it gets wounded I get defensive. But my pride doesn't allow me to go apeshit in the way that I'd prefer, so instead I get confrontational and rude. I mask it all in the pretense of "lively debate" or "open-minded discussion" but really I am finding ways to communicate my ideas in the coldest, iciest manner possible.
I'm sick of making people feel bad for making human mistakes. It's not my business or responsibility to do that. It's not my job to sit there and tell people, "I told you so" or any of that self-righteous bullcrap.
So what have I been doing to train myself to forgive?
Just like with the yellow notebook, I am resorting to a popular medium in order to reinforce my will. However, in addition to writing it out I am also trying to expose myself to works of art that employ the theme of forgiveness.
I've been listening to "A Quick One (While He's Away)" by The Who. I wrote about that song in May of 2005, in a short post that barely scratched the surface of what that song means to me personally.
It was an early attempt at a rock opera for a young Pete Townshend. At the urging of their producer, Kit Lambert, Townshend penned a ten-minute long suite comprised of six different song ideas. They were short of songs for the next LP and this measure was done to fill out the album.
The six parts of the suite were as follows:
The a cappella introduction, "Her Man's Gone"
"Crying Town", which sets the scene by introducing the main character, a woman who is sad because her lover is far away and has been gone for a long while.
"We Have A Remedy" is a rousing chorus of voices (presumably the woman's friends) urging her to temporarily hook up with studly Ivor the Engine Driver, in order to get some relief.
"Ivor The Engine Driver" is a humorous interlude where Ivor speaks for himself, announcing his lecherous intentions in a thick Cockney accent with an English music hall backing.
"Soon Be Home" flirts with country & western music, the only lyrics being the title. It shows that the woman's lover is on his way back to his beloved.
But the part I am focusing on-- which also happens to be the most famous and recognizable part of the song --is the finale "You Are Forgiven", which resolves the conflict climactically: The lover returns, so glad to see his beloved again; she in turn confesses right off the bat to her infidelity and explains why she did it.
And then he sings to her, "You are forgiven" and The Who repeat this refrain over and over until the finish of the song, when Pete Townshend declares "We're all forgiven!" before ending the epic tale.
The refrain is divided between the three Who vocalists: lead singer Roger Daltrey handles the middle register and harmony while Pete goes as low as he can with the melody; that leaves the late, great John Entwistle (aka "The Ox") to deliver the excellent falsetto.
Every time I hear this part of the song (it was featured in the movie Rushmore) tears well up in my eyes. Just thinking about it sends chills up my spine. Maybe all those instances in the past were signs that I was longing to forgive the people who have hurt me in my life, but I just couldn't bring myself to admit it.
I'm sure Pete Townshend wrote the song about a girlfriend he used to have-- he addressed the topic later on in the full-blown rock opera Tommy: Captain Walker comes home from WWI to find his wife in bed with another man. In a fit of rage, he kills the man in front of his son whom he has never seen, Tommy Walker. This causes Tommy to psychosomatically become deaf dumb and blind.
The consequences of jealousy and rage, according to this treatement of the infidelity theme, are far-ranging and more harmful than we think.
Pete also approached the same subject matter in the early hit "I Can See For Miles" but in a different tone. Rather than being forgiving, his tone in "Miles" is one of watchful paranoia: "I know you've deceived me now here's a surprise/ I know that you have 'cause there's magic in my eyes/ I can see for miles and miles..."
Is it any wonder that "Miles" is my all-time favorite Who song? Or that "Miles" was written before "A Quick One" while Tommy was written afterwards?
I will always love that song, but for now "A Quick One" is my new favorite. Let's hope it stays like that for a long time coming.
Monday, July 17, 2006
forgiven
What the hell do I know about forgiveness?
I have never had to forgive anyone anything. That is to say, if someone ever did me a serious wrong, I never ever considered forgiving them.
I could move on, make up and still be friends with the person... but I could never forgive them.
I have never forgiven anyone, but I have been forgiven for my transgressions time and time again.
So, all I really know about forgiveness is how to receive it.
*/*
Saturday night, a beautiful long-legged black girl in a sushi bar revealed to me that forgiveness is divine.
According to Wikipedia, "Forgiveness is the mental process of ceasing to feel resentment or anger against another person for a perceived offence, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the feelings of the person who forgives, or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be granted without any expectation of compensation, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of apology or restitution, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe they are able to forgive."
The beautiful black woman informed me that I am unable to grow unless I let these hurts and aches go.
*/*
I have a long list of people I need to forgive.
First and foremost, my father. I forgive you for the things you did that destroyed our family and caused me to lose faith in everything around me.
I forgive all of the friends with whom I have strained relationships due to actions they took that (in my view) disrespected me. That includes Sharky, Eve, Laurie, Daniel, A-Dogg, Jeanie, and Bro Man.
I forgive Sophie for leaving me without any explanation.
I can't think of anymore off the top of my head. As the days go by, I will remember them slowly, one by one.
*/*
I have never wanted to forgive anyone because I wanted to make them all pay. I wanted to make them all feel the pain and desperation that I feel. I wanted them to know what it feels like to be me.
What I've discovered is that none of that makes any difference. Some of these people who have hurt me (whether intentionally or unintentionally) have experienced horrible things that I thank God every day for not experiencing myself.
I always figured forgiveness to be a sucker's route, something that powerless people do when they know they are licked. I could never bring myself to do it.
It seemed like weakness, but the real weakness is to never forgive someone for their trespasses.
I used to say, "I can forgive, but I can't forget." That's not forgiveness. If I cannot allow myself to forget, then I am not forgiving that person.
What I understand now is that forgetting doesn't mean erasing the memory from my mind. Rather, it means that I should not focus on perceived slights as the basis for my relationships with people.
I have never asked to be forgiven, and yet people do it for me all the time. It seems so easy, but I know it's not. It's extremely difficult for me to bury the hatchet.
One day at a time, right?
*/*
It doesn't happen overnight.
It takes a long time before the healing begins.
Because I waited so long before deciding to set myself free from this burden, it will take a while before I can be strong again.
By allowing myself to forgive, I am effectively going against the grain of everything I feel and believe about this world.
I'm sure I will feel rotten for months to come, years perhaps. There will be times when the vengeance and wrath inside my heart will come to the surface, like a natural instinct or a chemical reaction in a laboratory. I trained myself over the decades to be spiteful and bitter and hateful, and I did a good job of cultivating that anger and rage.
But at least I won't have to hurt like I do. At least I know that all of this is going towards making me a better person, not just in deed but in thought.
Still, it will take time, and it will be so hard to resist the temptations, the urge to wreak havoc upon anyone I see in my way.
In other words, it's going to be a long time before I can forgive myself.
I think this blog is done, don't you?
Yes, it is.
Have a nice one.
I have never had to forgive anyone anything. That is to say, if someone ever did me a serious wrong, I never ever considered forgiving them.
I could move on, make up and still be friends with the person... but I could never forgive them.
I have never forgiven anyone, but I have been forgiven for my transgressions time and time again.
So, all I really know about forgiveness is how to receive it.
*/*
Saturday night, a beautiful long-legged black girl in a sushi bar revealed to me that forgiveness is divine.
According to Wikipedia, "Forgiveness is the mental process of ceasing to feel resentment or anger against another person for a perceived offence, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the feelings of the person who forgives, or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be granted without any expectation of compensation, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of apology or restitution, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe they are able to forgive."
The beautiful black woman informed me that I am unable to grow unless I let these hurts and aches go.
*/*
I have a long list of people I need to forgive.
First and foremost, my father. I forgive you for the things you did that destroyed our family and caused me to lose faith in everything around me.
I forgive all of the friends with whom I have strained relationships due to actions they took that (in my view) disrespected me. That includes Sharky, Eve, Laurie, Daniel, A-Dogg, Jeanie, and Bro Man.
I forgive Sophie for leaving me without any explanation.
I can't think of anymore off the top of my head. As the days go by, I will remember them slowly, one by one.
*/*
I have never wanted to forgive anyone because I wanted to make them all pay. I wanted to make them all feel the pain and desperation that I feel. I wanted them to know what it feels like to be me.
What I've discovered is that none of that makes any difference. Some of these people who have hurt me (whether intentionally or unintentionally) have experienced horrible things that I thank God every day for not experiencing myself.
I always figured forgiveness to be a sucker's route, something that powerless people do when they know they are licked. I could never bring myself to do it.
It seemed like weakness, but the real weakness is to never forgive someone for their trespasses.
I used to say, "I can forgive, but I can't forget." That's not forgiveness. If I cannot allow myself to forget, then I am not forgiving that person.
What I understand now is that forgetting doesn't mean erasing the memory from my mind. Rather, it means that I should not focus on perceived slights as the basis for my relationships with people.
I have never asked to be forgiven, and yet people do it for me all the time. It seems so easy, but I know it's not. It's extremely difficult for me to bury the hatchet.
One day at a time, right?
*/*
It doesn't happen overnight.
It takes a long time before the healing begins.
Because I waited so long before deciding to set myself free from this burden, it will take a while before I can be strong again.
By allowing myself to forgive, I am effectively going against the grain of everything I feel and believe about this world.
I'm sure I will feel rotten for months to come, years perhaps. There will be times when the vengeance and wrath inside my heart will come to the surface, like a natural instinct or a chemical reaction in a laboratory. I trained myself over the decades to be spiteful and bitter and hateful, and I did a good job of cultivating that anger and rage.
But at least I won't have to hurt like I do. At least I know that all of this is going towards making me a better person, not just in deed but in thought.
Still, it will take time, and it will be so hard to resist the temptations, the urge to wreak havoc upon anyone I see in my way.
In other words, it's going to be a long time before I can forgive myself.
I think this blog is done, don't you?
Yes, it is.
Have a nice one.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
July horoscope
AQUARIUS (January 20- February 18)
Your July Horoscope by Susan Miller
Life has become a series of sharp contrasts. Your career could not be better, and although you may have recently encountered new competitors or detractors (more about those later), the smart money is on you. This year is to be your most glorious for professional progress, something you will see in full force in November. A close relationship has been problematic, however, and last month, problems that were previously hidden suddenly became very obvious.
Let's talk about your professional life first. Watch July 6, when Jupiter will turn from retrograde to speedy, strong direct orbit in your house of honors, awards, achievement, and fame. If you felt that much of your career progress has slowed in recent months, that sounds right because Jupiter, the great planet of expansion and good fortune, has been a weakened, retrograde state since March 4. Watch the kind of phone calls and offers you receive in the days surrounding July 6. I promise you'll be so encouraged by what you hear!
July 6 will be important for another reason - the Sun and Uranus will be ideally aligned, helping you find money from a plum assignment or sale. It's a day when luck is on your side, so make it important!
I will admit that this month, when you present certain ideas, you are likely to encounter at least one Doubting Thomas who will fold his arms over his chest and ask: "Why should we do things YOUR way?" Even an old supporter may act like this, so don't take this person's lack of support to heart. If you've done your homework, you will be able to present your case forcefully and eventually win. It just will take a bit more time and energy, due to the opposition of Mars and Saturn to your Sun, but you CAN win this person over.
Mercury will be retrograde throughout this month, from July 4 to 29, making for an increase in miscommunications, misunderstandings, false starts, and outright wrong thinking. Mercury rules perception, thinking, communicating, negotiating, and the drawing up of agreements, and important contracts / documents of all kinds. Mercury also rules transportation and shipping, as well as buying and selling. Things will go haywire, and it will be hard to get hold of the people whose decisions you need, let alone set up meetings and get decisions from them.
While Mercury will slow you down, Jupiter, as mentioned above, will protect you. November will be your very best career moment, possibly of the decade. After that, Jupiter will move to another house, and I won't be talking about your career so much in the long-range future. While you have this rare advantage, use it!
If you are thinking you had better hurry up and get things done in the first three days of July before Mercury goes retrograde on July 4, the sad truth is, it's already too late. Did you notice how appliances and computers began acting up in your house and office in June? That was a sign that you were already in Mercury's undertow. Don't plan to initiate any vital plan now. Wait until August 5 or so.
You need to leave some space from the day Mercury goes direct again on July 29, because Mercury always acts most wildly on the bookend dates, that is, the start and end dates and the days that surround them.
One other day I would like you to circle on your calendar as potentially terrific career news will be Friday, July 14, when Mars and Pluto work hard on your behalf. It will be a good day for a key meeting or presentation, but so would Wednesday, July 12, when the moon will be in Aquarius and the energy of this Mars to Pluto aspect will still be building. It looks like a good friend, collaborator, or your lawyer may be quite instrumental in helping you get your good news.
Finally, July 26 should be outstanding for career success, as Venus and Jupiter will be so sublimely angled. You may find a way to increase your status in your industry, be interviewed by the press, or give a speech. Others will somehow come to know your name, and all of the buzz about you will be very, very positive.
I will admit that in your business life, it appears someone you think of as an agent, collaborator, representative, or partner has been giving you a very hard time. This person might alternatively be a competitor or critic, or if none of these, then a romantic partner. What makes this person's lack of support so painful is that you respect this person's opinion - or at least you used to. If this person is someone you encounter at work, be grateful that this person is out in the open and easy to spot. There is nothing underhanded about this energy - you can see who this person is, for this person's behavior is out in the open.
If you were born in January, the past year has been doubly difficult, but happily, Saturn is about to move away from your Sun this month. Conditions should improve with each passing day. If you were born in early February, the same sort of stress you've been feeling lately will continue a while longer, and I am so sorry to have to report that. Your birthday is the one feeling Saturn's pressure most now, and that's why you have to promise me you will take good care of yourself.
It may help to know that Saturn's presence can be a little painful UNTIL you try something new to untangle the problem. Once you do, you will see the problem begin to melt. Don't rely on old formulas, dear Aquarius - take a risk and the problem will almost immediately begin to melt.
Keep your health strong near the full moon, July 10, when you may feel yourself begin to feel a little less robust than usual. You've been under a great deal of tension lately, so you need ways to channel it. Exercise can keep you not only calm, but make you super-fit, too. If you are already fit, you know how much you love your workouts - it's "me" time you need. This month won't be exactly easy, not with warrior Mars opposing your Sun, so take it slow, take frequent breaks, and be your own best friend.
The new moon that fell at the end of June was very encouraging for health and fitness goals, and the energy of that moon will still be very strong as July begins. If you want to see a doctor, nutritionist, trainer, or any other type of health professional, do so the moment the month takes off. This is the very BEST time for you to initiate a consultation or to begin a workout program. Never worry about Mercury retrograde if you need medical advice. Often it means we are going back to an old problem that needs to be fixed, and what better time to do this than now?
Romantically, if attached, the same heavy atmosphere that you saw in June will continue to hang over your relationship. (As said, some attached Aquarius are not feeling this energy because it is being asserted in your work life or with health.)
This month seems to have a more serious mood, and will require you to make some tough romantic decisions. The key will be to remain as dispassionately realistic as you can be. You need a partner in life who will support you through thick and thin - if you don't have that, you will soon see that your partner is more part of the problem than the solution. You don't need added pressure these days - so if you don't see evidence of a changed attitude in your significant other, you may move on at month's end.
If you want to play the field, Venus in highly compatible Gemini will help you quite a bit during the first three weeks of July. The trick will be to put past relationships out of your mind - easier said than done. If you find you CAN give love a chance, your star power will bring you all sorts of fresh opportunities.
One day that should be sexy and fun would be July 15, when Venus and Mars will dance a sweet duet. Married, single, or dating, you're sure to enjoy what the day can bring. Make plans!
If you can only get out to socialize on one weekend, make it the weekend of weekend of July 29 - 30.
On July 30, Venus and your ruling planet, Uranus, will shower you with sparkling vibrations. It's sure to be an effervescent, light, and happy weekend for all Aquarius, no matter what your marital status. With the moon in loving Libra, you're sure to have a standout day. Plan something, but also be open to lots of unusual and surprising events, for those are also indicated, dear Aquarius!
Best date nights: July 3, 4, 8, 11, 12, 15, 21, and 30
This month seems to give new meaning to the old adage, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." If you have any critics or detractors who have been hoping you'd trip up, you will know in July. The good part is that competitors will be very visible, so it will be easy to separate the good guys from the bad guys. There's no behind-the-scenes intrigue - everything will be out in the open.
While your chart seems to point to a political situation related to work, it might be that a romantic partner may be the one generating all the tensions. If so, you can finally air out issues that have threatened to harm the relationship. If you feel you are beyond the talking stage, you may now leave without regret. This is a make-it or break-it month, and you'll be too weary to hang on to ANY relationship that despite your most valiant efforts seems impossible to fix.
The whole month will be fraught with emotion and confrontation, but the last week of July will be your toughest. At that point, you'll finally say "Enough!" and call an end to the antics. Mercury will be retrograde all month, so although you'll be ready to voice your plan, try not to make any firm decisions until August when you'll feel a greater sense of mental and emotional clarity.
It will be vital that you take very good care of your health this month, as you will be under a strain. This is no month to diet, binge, burn endless amounts of energy, or go days without sleep. It's also not the time to keep yourself locked up inside. Insist on early morning fresh air, sunshine, and exercise. Of course, you'll also need rest and nutritious foods, too. Your office life will be unusually hectic, so if you aren't careful, you could feel yourself flagging at the full moon, July 10.
At the same full moon, July 10, if you have not identified all those who are not members of your camp, you may hear confidential information that will help you solve the puzzle. Although sometimes it is hard to hear the truth about others' motives and secret activities, in the end, knowing will protect you. With that in mind, when truth starts coming out, just say courageously, "Bring it on!"
Your July Horoscope by Susan Miller
Life has become a series of sharp contrasts. Your career could not be better, and although you may have recently encountered new competitors or detractors (more about those later), the smart money is on you. This year is to be your most glorious for professional progress, something you will see in full force in November. A close relationship has been problematic, however, and last month, problems that were previously hidden suddenly became very obvious.
Let's talk about your professional life first. Watch July 6, when Jupiter will turn from retrograde to speedy, strong direct orbit in your house of honors, awards, achievement, and fame. If you felt that much of your career progress has slowed in recent months, that sounds right because Jupiter, the great planet of expansion and good fortune, has been a weakened, retrograde state since March 4. Watch the kind of phone calls and offers you receive in the days surrounding July 6. I promise you'll be so encouraged by what you hear!
July 6 will be important for another reason - the Sun and Uranus will be ideally aligned, helping you find money from a plum assignment or sale. It's a day when luck is on your side, so make it important!
I will admit that this month, when you present certain ideas, you are likely to encounter at least one Doubting Thomas who will fold his arms over his chest and ask: "Why should we do things YOUR way?" Even an old supporter may act like this, so don't take this person's lack of support to heart. If you've done your homework, you will be able to present your case forcefully and eventually win. It just will take a bit more time and energy, due to the opposition of Mars and Saturn to your Sun, but you CAN win this person over.
Mercury will be retrograde throughout this month, from July 4 to 29, making for an increase in miscommunications, misunderstandings, false starts, and outright wrong thinking. Mercury rules perception, thinking, communicating, negotiating, and the drawing up of agreements, and important contracts / documents of all kinds. Mercury also rules transportation and shipping, as well as buying and selling. Things will go haywire, and it will be hard to get hold of the people whose decisions you need, let alone set up meetings and get decisions from them.
While Mercury will slow you down, Jupiter, as mentioned above, will protect you. November will be your very best career moment, possibly of the decade. After that, Jupiter will move to another house, and I won't be talking about your career so much in the long-range future. While you have this rare advantage, use it!
If you are thinking you had better hurry up and get things done in the first three days of July before Mercury goes retrograde on July 4, the sad truth is, it's already too late. Did you notice how appliances and computers began acting up in your house and office in June? That was a sign that you were already in Mercury's undertow. Don't plan to initiate any vital plan now. Wait until August 5 or so.
You need to leave some space from the day Mercury goes direct again on July 29, because Mercury always acts most wildly on the bookend dates, that is, the start and end dates and the days that surround them.
One other day I would like you to circle on your calendar as potentially terrific career news will be Friday, July 14, when Mars and Pluto work hard on your behalf. It will be a good day for a key meeting or presentation, but so would Wednesday, July 12, when the moon will be in Aquarius and the energy of this Mars to Pluto aspect will still be building. It looks like a good friend, collaborator, or your lawyer may be quite instrumental in helping you get your good news.
Finally, July 26 should be outstanding for career success, as Venus and Jupiter will be so sublimely angled. You may find a way to increase your status in your industry, be interviewed by the press, or give a speech. Others will somehow come to know your name, and all of the buzz about you will be very, very positive.
I will admit that in your business life, it appears someone you think of as an agent, collaborator, representative, or partner has been giving you a very hard time. This person might alternatively be a competitor or critic, or if none of these, then a romantic partner. What makes this person's lack of support so painful is that you respect this person's opinion - or at least you used to. If this person is someone you encounter at work, be grateful that this person is out in the open and easy to spot. There is nothing underhanded about this energy - you can see who this person is, for this person's behavior is out in the open.
If you were born in January, the past year has been doubly difficult, but happily, Saturn is about to move away from your Sun this month. Conditions should improve with each passing day. If you were born in early February, the same sort of stress you've been feeling lately will continue a while longer, and I am so sorry to have to report that. Your birthday is the one feeling Saturn's pressure most now, and that's why you have to promise me you will take good care of yourself.
It may help to know that Saturn's presence can be a little painful UNTIL you try something new to untangle the problem. Once you do, you will see the problem begin to melt. Don't rely on old formulas, dear Aquarius - take a risk and the problem will almost immediately begin to melt.
Keep your health strong near the full moon, July 10, when you may feel yourself begin to feel a little less robust than usual. You've been under a great deal of tension lately, so you need ways to channel it. Exercise can keep you not only calm, but make you super-fit, too. If you are already fit, you know how much you love your workouts - it's "me" time you need. This month won't be exactly easy, not with warrior Mars opposing your Sun, so take it slow, take frequent breaks, and be your own best friend.
The new moon that fell at the end of June was very encouraging for health and fitness goals, and the energy of that moon will still be very strong as July begins. If you want to see a doctor, nutritionist, trainer, or any other type of health professional, do so the moment the month takes off. This is the very BEST time for you to initiate a consultation or to begin a workout program. Never worry about Mercury retrograde if you need medical advice. Often it means we are going back to an old problem that needs to be fixed, and what better time to do this than now?
Romantically, if attached, the same heavy atmosphere that you saw in June will continue to hang over your relationship. (As said, some attached Aquarius are not feeling this energy because it is being asserted in your work life or with health.)
This month seems to have a more serious mood, and will require you to make some tough romantic decisions. The key will be to remain as dispassionately realistic as you can be. You need a partner in life who will support you through thick and thin - if you don't have that, you will soon see that your partner is more part of the problem than the solution. You don't need added pressure these days - so if you don't see evidence of a changed attitude in your significant other, you may move on at month's end.
If you want to play the field, Venus in highly compatible Gemini will help you quite a bit during the first three weeks of July. The trick will be to put past relationships out of your mind - easier said than done. If you find you CAN give love a chance, your star power will bring you all sorts of fresh opportunities.
One day that should be sexy and fun would be July 15, when Venus and Mars will dance a sweet duet. Married, single, or dating, you're sure to enjoy what the day can bring. Make plans!
If you can only get out to socialize on one weekend, make it the weekend of weekend of July 29 - 30.
On July 30, Venus and your ruling planet, Uranus, will shower you with sparkling vibrations. It's sure to be an effervescent, light, and happy weekend for all Aquarius, no matter what your marital status. With the moon in loving Libra, you're sure to have a standout day. Plan something, but also be open to lots of unusual and surprising events, for those are also indicated, dear Aquarius!
Best date nights: July 3, 4, 8, 11, 12, 15, 21, and 30
This month seems to give new meaning to the old adage, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer." If you have any critics or detractors who have been hoping you'd trip up, you will know in July. The good part is that competitors will be very visible, so it will be easy to separate the good guys from the bad guys. There's no behind-the-scenes intrigue - everything will be out in the open.
While your chart seems to point to a political situation related to work, it might be that a romantic partner may be the one generating all the tensions. If so, you can finally air out issues that have threatened to harm the relationship. If you feel you are beyond the talking stage, you may now leave without regret. This is a make-it or break-it month, and you'll be too weary to hang on to ANY relationship that despite your most valiant efforts seems impossible to fix.
The whole month will be fraught with emotion and confrontation, but the last week of July will be your toughest. At that point, you'll finally say "Enough!" and call an end to the antics. Mercury will be retrograde all month, so although you'll be ready to voice your plan, try not to make any firm decisions until August when you'll feel a greater sense of mental and emotional clarity.
It will be vital that you take very good care of your health this month, as you will be under a strain. This is no month to diet, binge, burn endless amounts of energy, or go days without sleep. It's also not the time to keep yourself locked up inside. Insist on early morning fresh air, sunshine, and exercise. Of course, you'll also need rest and nutritious foods, too. Your office life will be unusually hectic, so if you aren't careful, you could feel yourself flagging at the full moon, July 10.
At the same full moon, July 10, if you have not identified all those who are not members of your camp, you may hear confidential information that will help you solve the puzzle. Although sometimes it is hard to hear the truth about others' motives and secret activities, in the end, knowing will protect you. With that in mind, when truth starts coming out, just say courageously, "Bring it on!"
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
The Madcap Dies
O where are you now, pussy willow that shined on this leaf
When I was alone you promised a stem from your heart
My head kissed the ground
I was half the way down
Treading the sand
Please
Please lend a hand
I'm only a person
Whose armbands beat
And his hands hang tall
Won't you miss me?
Wouldn't you miss me at all?
The Crazy Diamond is dead.
He was already dead, some say. His mind was fried by electric flashes of insanity and chaos, or perhaps too much LSD, or maybe the Xanax was much stronger in the '60s... nevertheless, Roger "Syd" Barrett ceased being much of anything as the '70s trudged on, content to eat pork chops at his mum's countryside home while painting in the garden.
He grew old and fat, like Elvis. But all eyes were on Elvis, making him paranoid. Syd never attained even a fraction of the overwhelming fame that The King received, but apparently that short yet mercurial brush with stardom did a number on him.
Don't cry for Syd, because like I said, he's been dead for some time. Cry instead for the man who disappeared from sight decades ago, the sparkling personality that created the first incarnation of Pink Floyd in 1966, the whimsical flower child who not only wrote songs about gnomes and scarecrows and mice named Gerald but mothers telling bedtime stories to their children, mischievous cats, voyeurs stealing women's undergarments off of laundry lines, and the Universe.
Pink Floyd after Syd's departure was an entirely different entity. Their music was popular and epic and cerebral, with Roger Waters taking the reins and composing rock operas using the latest technology and with the cutting edge in sound electronics at his disposal. It barely resembled the acid-party Britpop of the Syd years.
I love Pink Floyd's music after Syd, but there is a special place in my heart for the Barrett era.
*/*
In his prime, Syd Barrett was an artist, a writer, a singer and a musician. He was handsome and witty and terribly charming. He was fashionable and hip and mysterious.
He taught David Gilmour, the man who took Syd's place in the later line-up, how to play blues guitar. He inspired Roger Waters to write lyrics (it should be noted that Waters has gone on to pen some of the finest lyrics in all of rock music) and he loomed so large in the lives of his peers that, years after his mental collapse, his former band found themselves paying him a tribute with the album Wish You Were Here.
Oddly enough, during the sessions for that classic album Syd showed up unexpectedly. He was overweight and balding. He looked disheveled and unkempt. And he wanted to jam with his old buddies again.
But nothing materialized. Syd may have wanted to play again, but he was in no shape to do much of anything. It was depressing rather than inspirational for the rest of the band. In their eyes, it must have seen like such a huge fall from grace: going from hippie saint to clueless vegetable in the course of six years.
It haunted Waters often enough that he found himself lyrically invoking the ominous imagery of madness time and again. References to going insane and lunatics and hollow-eyed shells of men permeated his later opuses. The character of "Pink" in the rock opera The Wall (portrayed by Bob Geldof in the movie adaptation) is based on Waters but there's a lot of Syd in there too.
*/*
Roky Erikson. Arthur Lee. Jeffrey Lee Pierce. Skip Spence.
"The acid casualties", as they are known, if anyone knows them at all.
And by anyone, I mean people who obsess over the most esoteric and obscure artists, out-of-print limited edition rare vinyl, and the footnotes of pop music history.
Compared to artists like Elvis, Madonna, The Beatles, or Michael Jackson, Syd Barrett is nothing. He's barely visible on the map. But the question is not how big could he have been but rather what happened to make such a promising young artist wig out?
People always blame drugs, which doesn't wash with me. I've heard countless stories about Keith Richards' drug abuse but never heard one single story about him getting paranoid and going insane.
I blame his temperament and general disposition. Unlike Richards, who has the physical constitution of an elephant and the lucid-eyed perspective of a man who knows his own strengths and weaknesses very well, Syd was a bit of a delicate flower. He wasn't rugged or macho-- he was sensitive, and inquisitive. He had a boyish charm and a likeable presence; there was never any danger present in his music. Only when he started going into catatonic fits and forgetting how to play his own songs onstage did he ever come close to being dangerous... and that's a relatively benign kind of danger because it doesn't hurt anyone except for the other guys in the group.
So they kicked him out. But they didn't one day say to him, "Syd, you're out." They eased him out, which is worse. It's the polite way, and it sucks because there's nothing polite about being told, "We don't need you anymore", no matter how many smiles and spins you put on it.
I used to listen to his solo albums all the time, the ones that Waters and Gilmour produced for him as some sort of amends or atonement for their shabby treatment. The albums were haphazardly produced, almost as an afterthought. Syd sounds bad, like a man on the verge of crumbling.
But underneath the false starts, strained vocals, and dodgy performances lies the last gleaming twinkle of his magic. No illness or condition could squelch the fire burning inside of him, even as he started to realize himself just how bad things had gotten.
He married a beautiful James Joyce poem ("Golden Hair") to music. He sang songs about rats and terrapin and Bob Dylan and Native American folklore-- he even wrote a song about the song he was singing at the moment!
I don't know why I identify with the burnouts. Is it because I see myself becoming a burnout? Maybe there's some romantic notion in all of it that I am gleaning. Possibly, I see their disintegration as some sort of transcendence. Rather than go the traditional route (money, girls, accolades, fame, and the inevitable downfall, followed by a comeback perhaps), these rock and roll suicides jump right into the fire that heats the frying pan.
Theirs was not a pose. They were not people who put on masks to perform, only to take them off when they left the stadium. They were not actors. They were real... and they were really weird too!
I think it's the weirdness that endears these types to me, because I know that I am weird to the bone, if not as weird as the Madcap himself, the late great Syd Barrett.
To paraphrase the ever-elegant (and disgustingly rich) Roger Waters: You crazy diamond, oh how you shined, for that one brief little moment, before I was even born, there you were singing your songs and playing your instrument, and even though you are long gone now your music is still around, fractured and frail but also trailblazing and bold.
This is the fate of the True Originals. They are not long for this world.
When I was alone you promised a stem from your heart
My head kissed the ground
I was half the way down
Treading the sand
Please
Please lend a hand
I'm only a person
Whose armbands beat
And his hands hang tall
Won't you miss me?
Wouldn't you miss me at all?
The Crazy Diamond is dead.
He was already dead, some say. His mind was fried by electric flashes of insanity and chaos, or perhaps too much LSD, or maybe the Xanax was much stronger in the '60s... nevertheless, Roger "Syd" Barrett ceased being much of anything as the '70s trudged on, content to eat pork chops at his mum's countryside home while painting in the garden.
He grew old and fat, like Elvis. But all eyes were on Elvis, making him paranoid. Syd never attained even a fraction of the overwhelming fame that The King received, but apparently that short yet mercurial brush with stardom did a number on him.
Don't cry for Syd, because like I said, he's been dead for some time. Cry instead for the man who disappeared from sight decades ago, the sparkling personality that created the first incarnation of Pink Floyd in 1966, the whimsical flower child who not only wrote songs about gnomes and scarecrows and mice named Gerald but mothers telling bedtime stories to their children, mischievous cats, voyeurs stealing women's undergarments off of laundry lines, and the Universe.
Pink Floyd after Syd's departure was an entirely different entity. Their music was popular and epic and cerebral, with Roger Waters taking the reins and composing rock operas using the latest technology and with the cutting edge in sound electronics at his disposal. It barely resembled the acid-party Britpop of the Syd years.
I love Pink Floyd's music after Syd, but there is a special place in my heart for the Barrett era.
*/*
In his prime, Syd Barrett was an artist, a writer, a singer and a musician. He was handsome and witty and terribly charming. He was fashionable and hip and mysterious.
He taught David Gilmour, the man who took Syd's place in the later line-up, how to play blues guitar. He inspired Roger Waters to write lyrics (it should be noted that Waters has gone on to pen some of the finest lyrics in all of rock music) and he loomed so large in the lives of his peers that, years after his mental collapse, his former band found themselves paying him a tribute with the album Wish You Were Here.
Oddly enough, during the sessions for that classic album Syd showed up unexpectedly. He was overweight and balding. He looked disheveled and unkempt. And he wanted to jam with his old buddies again.
But nothing materialized. Syd may have wanted to play again, but he was in no shape to do much of anything. It was depressing rather than inspirational for the rest of the band. In their eyes, it must have seen like such a huge fall from grace: going from hippie saint to clueless vegetable in the course of six years.
It haunted Waters often enough that he found himself lyrically invoking the ominous imagery of madness time and again. References to going insane and lunatics and hollow-eyed shells of men permeated his later opuses. The character of "Pink" in the rock opera The Wall (portrayed by Bob Geldof in the movie adaptation) is based on Waters but there's a lot of Syd in there too.
*/*
Roky Erikson. Arthur Lee. Jeffrey Lee Pierce. Skip Spence.
"The acid casualties", as they are known, if anyone knows them at all.
And by anyone, I mean people who obsess over the most esoteric and obscure artists, out-of-print limited edition rare vinyl, and the footnotes of pop music history.
Compared to artists like Elvis, Madonna, The Beatles, or Michael Jackson, Syd Barrett is nothing. He's barely visible on the map. But the question is not how big could he have been but rather what happened to make such a promising young artist wig out?
People always blame drugs, which doesn't wash with me. I've heard countless stories about Keith Richards' drug abuse but never heard one single story about him getting paranoid and going insane.
I blame his temperament and general disposition. Unlike Richards, who has the physical constitution of an elephant and the lucid-eyed perspective of a man who knows his own strengths and weaknesses very well, Syd was a bit of a delicate flower. He wasn't rugged or macho-- he was sensitive, and inquisitive. He had a boyish charm and a likeable presence; there was never any danger present in his music. Only when he started going into catatonic fits and forgetting how to play his own songs onstage did he ever come close to being dangerous... and that's a relatively benign kind of danger because it doesn't hurt anyone except for the other guys in the group.
So they kicked him out. But they didn't one day say to him, "Syd, you're out." They eased him out, which is worse. It's the polite way, and it sucks because there's nothing polite about being told, "We don't need you anymore", no matter how many smiles and spins you put on it.
I used to listen to his solo albums all the time, the ones that Waters and Gilmour produced for him as some sort of amends or atonement for their shabby treatment. The albums were haphazardly produced, almost as an afterthought. Syd sounds bad, like a man on the verge of crumbling.
But underneath the false starts, strained vocals, and dodgy performances lies the last gleaming twinkle of his magic. No illness or condition could squelch the fire burning inside of him, even as he started to realize himself just how bad things had gotten.
He married a beautiful James Joyce poem ("Golden Hair") to music. He sang songs about rats and terrapin and Bob Dylan and Native American folklore-- he even wrote a song about the song he was singing at the moment!
I don't know why I identify with the burnouts. Is it because I see myself becoming a burnout? Maybe there's some romantic notion in all of it that I am gleaning. Possibly, I see their disintegration as some sort of transcendence. Rather than go the traditional route (money, girls, accolades, fame, and the inevitable downfall, followed by a comeback perhaps), these rock and roll suicides jump right into the fire that heats the frying pan.
Theirs was not a pose. They were not people who put on masks to perform, only to take them off when they left the stadium. They were not actors. They were real... and they were really weird too!
I think it's the weirdness that endears these types to me, because I know that I am weird to the bone, if not as weird as the Madcap himself, the late great Syd Barrett.
To paraphrase the ever-elegant (and disgustingly rich) Roger Waters: You crazy diamond, oh how you shined, for that one brief little moment, before I was even born, there you were singing your songs and playing your instrument, and even though you are long gone now your music is still around, fractured and frail but also trailblazing and bold.
This is the fate of the True Originals. They are not long for this world.
Friday, July 07, 2006
"Don't Tell Anybody Anything..."
I am re-discovering the joys of personal writing.
Ever since I started blogging about four years ago, my personal writing has been neglected. I haven't kept a notebook solely for the purpose of creative writing in all that time. The majority of them are filled with work notes, lyrics to songs, ridiculous raps and the occasional poem here and there.
In a recent post (which I will not link-- you'll just have to find it yourself) I wondered about my newfound inability to be alone. I couldn't figure out why I was constantly craving attention from other people. I threw out a few possibilities but nothing was conclusive until this week.
Now I know why, thanks to the short but sweet moments I stole this week, where I scribbled out some words onto a pad while waiting for my bosses to meet with me concerning some of my duties.
Blogging is great but it is exhausting emotionally because I am putting a lot out on the line by writing about my personal life. The insularity of writing in a notebook is warm and welcoming. No one sees my words, my thoughts, and therefore I can be 100% honest.
In my notebooks, I don't have to change names, invent composite characters, omit events or blur the line between reality and fantasy. My notebooks are raw, uncompromising, private... They are the real me. This blog? It's a PR stunt, a meaningful facade, a truthful diversion that falls short of the goal.
If I were blogging fictional stories or random trivial bullshit, I think I'd be OK. But the fact is, I am spilling my guts for the Web, and when the Web doesn't appreciate it I get upset.
I don't have that relationship with my notebooks. I dictate my hopes and fears, and the notebook takes it all in, and never reveals my secrets.
*/*
That song by Morrissey, "Suedehead", reminds me of a girl in high school who had a crush on me. This was during my long-haired phase, when I just didn't care and nothing mattered to me.
She invited me over to her place to watch the Driver's Ed TV show that all first-time adolescent drivers had to watch in order to pass the written exam. After doing our assignments, I went to the bathroom.
When I came out, she was reading my notebook.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I screamed. "Leave it alone!"
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to read your words," she said, apologetic.
"If I want you to read them, I'll open it up to you," I said. And with that, I took the notebook away.
I guess it was mean to do that to her, especially since she liked me and thought I was smart and cool and funny. But I didn't care. I didn't give her permission to do that, and as a result it was a number of years before I ever showed that girl one single poem from my notebooks.
I didn't want her, or anyone, to know me. My notebooks were my business.
Then, I started giving them away, when I felt like I was trapped by the words and patterns in each of them. I used to burn them, but after a while an old friend convinced me that I should just give them away. And so I chose people to give them to, hoping that they would be the kind of people I could trust with some of my private thoughts.
It was easy to give them away once I moved past them. By the time these people read my thoughts on paper, my mind was onto something else.
Now that my mind is turning inward again, I think it's time to keep a notebook. I don't want anyone to know me anymore. They don't know what to do with the information I give them.
I am also reminded of Holden Caulfield's immortal words at the end of The Catcher In The Rye:
"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."
I've been telling everybody everything, and that's why I can't stand to be alone anymore. I can't enjoy my loneliness if everybody is in on it. That's why Holden Caulfield's words are echoing in my ears. And if anybody in the world knew about enjoying being alone, it was J.D. Salinger, legendary recluse and the creator of the infamous Caulfield.
*/*
I sometimes still do enjoy being alone, but I used to revel in it.
Quiet walks along the freeway, listening to my Walkman and watching the sun setting in the distance... a dimly-lit bedroom and series of papers and notes scattered about... I was always in the middle, sorting the piles and deciding what stays and what goes, what lives and what dies... maybe I'd sneak a smoke behind my father's house before he came home from work... There was always music playing, syncopated to the infrequent impact of ripe apricots falling against the tin awning on the roof... No telephone, no transportation, no money, no hopes and expectations, and yet I was content, if not happy... I could stay that way for days upon days, and then maybe a friend would realize that they hadn't heard from me in a while and call me up, and it was as if I'd never been away, it was as if a few hours had passed when in reality weeks had gone by...
I didn't miss anybody or want to be with anyone. Even the girls who used to make me tear my hair out faded into the background when I was alone. The minute they hung up on me or told me to go to hell, I was back in the world of words I had created. Then, they'd call me after a while and tell me they loved me, and it was all the same to me-- love, hate, just words to be written and misspelled and defined and rewritten countless times...
The small amount of words I've written this week (for me and only me) have triggered a reaction in me that I haven't felt in so long.
I will still blog. I can't stop blogging. But...
I see now that the anticipation of waiting to read a comment, or wanting to talk to someone about something I wrote-- all that stuff is destructive to me.
It's no surprise that the novel I am working on still revolves around a lonely wannabe fiction writer who makes friends out of his imaginary characters. I really am not interested in knowing people. Instead, I am more interested in writing about them, or perhaps sketching them out.
I am OK with that. Really, I am. It works for me.
What doesn't work for me is craving approval from people who don't know how to give proper feedback. That, in my mind, includes everyone in the free world.
I apologize for my contempt. But then again, not really.
Have a nice weekend, everybody.
Ever since I started blogging about four years ago, my personal writing has been neglected. I haven't kept a notebook solely for the purpose of creative writing in all that time. The majority of them are filled with work notes, lyrics to songs, ridiculous raps and the occasional poem here and there.
In a recent post (which I will not link-- you'll just have to find it yourself) I wondered about my newfound inability to be alone. I couldn't figure out why I was constantly craving attention from other people. I threw out a few possibilities but nothing was conclusive until this week.
Now I know why, thanks to the short but sweet moments I stole this week, where I scribbled out some words onto a pad while waiting for my bosses to meet with me concerning some of my duties.
Blogging is great but it is exhausting emotionally because I am putting a lot out on the line by writing about my personal life. The insularity of writing in a notebook is warm and welcoming. No one sees my words, my thoughts, and therefore I can be 100% honest.
In my notebooks, I don't have to change names, invent composite characters, omit events or blur the line between reality and fantasy. My notebooks are raw, uncompromising, private... They are the real me. This blog? It's a PR stunt, a meaningful facade, a truthful diversion that falls short of the goal.
If I were blogging fictional stories or random trivial bullshit, I think I'd be OK. But the fact is, I am spilling my guts for the Web, and when the Web doesn't appreciate it I get upset.
I don't have that relationship with my notebooks. I dictate my hopes and fears, and the notebook takes it all in, and never reveals my secrets.
*/*
That song by Morrissey, "Suedehead", reminds me of a girl in high school who had a crush on me. This was during my long-haired phase, when I just didn't care and nothing mattered to me.
She invited me over to her place to watch the Driver's Ed TV show that all first-time adolescent drivers had to watch in order to pass the written exam. After doing our assignments, I went to the bathroom.
When I came out, she was reading my notebook.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I screamed. "Leave it alone!"
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to read your words," she said, apologetic.
"If I want you to read them, I'll open it up to you," I said. And with that, I took the notebook away.
I guess it was mean to do that to her, especially since she liked me and thought I was smart and cool and funny. But I didn't care. I didn't give her permission to do that, and as a result it was a number of years before I ever showed that girl one single poem from my notebooks.
I didn't want her, or anyone, to know me. My notebooks were my business.
Then, I started giving them away, when I felt like I was trapped by the words and patterns in each of them. I used to burn them, but after a while an old friend convinced me that I should just give them away. And so I chose people to give them to, hoping that they would be the kind of people I could trust with some of my private thoughts.
It was easy to give them away once I moved past them. By the time these people read my thoughts on paper, my mind was onto something else.
Now that my mind is turning inward again, I think it's time to keep a notebook. I don't want anyone to know me anymore. They don't know what to do with the information I give them.
I am also reminded of Holden Caulfield's immortal words at the end of The Catcher In The Rye:
"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."
I've been telling everybody everything, and that's why I can't stand to be alone anymore. I can't enjoy my loneliness if everybody is in on it. That's why Holden Caulfield's words are echoing in my ears. And if anybody in the world knew about enjoying being alone, it was J.D. Salinger, legendary recluse and the creator of the infamous Caulfield.
*/*
I sometimes still do enjoy being alone, but I used to revel in it.
Quiet walks along the freeway, listening to my Walkman and watching the sun setting in the distance... a dimly-lit bedroom and series of papers and notes scattered about... I was always in the middle, sorting the piles and deciding what stays and what goes, what lives and what dies... maybe I'd sneak a smoke behind my father's house before he came home from work... There was always music playing, syncopated to the infrequent impact of ripe apricots falling against the tin awning on the roof... No telephone, no transportation, no money, no hopes and expectations, and yet I was content, if not happy... I could stay that way for days upon days, and then maybe a friend would realize that they hadn't heard from me in a while and call me up, and it was as if I'd never been away, it was as if a few hours had passed when in reality weeks had gone by...
I didn't miss anybody or want to be with anyone. Even the girls who used to make me tear my hair out faded into the background when I was alone. The minute they hung up on me or told me to go to hell, I was back in the world of words I had created. Then, they'd call me after a while and tell me they loved me, and it was all the same to me-- love, hate, just words to be written and misspelled and defined and rewritten countless times...
The small amount of words I've written this week (for me and only me) have triggered a reaction in me that I haven't felt in so long.
I will still blog. I can't stop blogging. But...
I see now that the anticipation of waiting to read a comment, or wanting to talk to someone about something I wrote-- all that stuff is destructive to me.
It's no surprise that the novel I am working on still revolves around a lonely wannabe fiction writer who makes friends out of his imaginary characters. I really am not interested in knowing people. Instead, I am more interested in writing about them, or perhaps sketching them out.
I am OK with that. Really, I am. It works for me.
What doesn't work for me is craving approval from people who don't know how to give proper feedback. That, in my mind, includes everyone in the free world.
I apologize for my contempt. But then again, not really.
Have a nice weekend, everybody.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
shock
I am in shock.
Talking with my mother on Friday, she informed me of something so terrible that I have no words to express what I feel.
It has to do with family, in particular the actions of a relative who has gone beyond hitting rock bottom-- they are now digging beneath the pavement.
I am 32 years old. Nothing should shock me anymore. But I feel like I am 16 again, grappling with contradictory notions of good and evil, light and dark, trying to balance all of this without becoming cynical or depressed.
It was so much to take in that I think I have short-circuited my emotions. I cannot laugh, I cannot cry.
All the progress I made... now I am back at Square One.
Suddenly, nothing else seems to matter. All the things I blog about, all the things I spend my time fretting over... none of it makes any amount of difference.
I tried being in touch with my own emotions for a spell and found that they were raging like stormy currents on the high seas. But hearing this bit of news shocked me back into the numbness that I am so accustomed to in my waking life.
Now my emotions are calm and still, without even so much as a ripple denting its pristine surface.
The world can pass me by and I can't bring myself to bat an eye. The words of well-wishers and the good-intentioned once again appear to me as just words, spoken by people who think they know the deal but do not.
Forgive me for not imparting the news that has me back in my old ways. I am candid about many aspects of my life but this is one those things that serves no purpose for me to reveal to anyone, because then I know people's perception of me will change. They will see me as a victim, or a sad sack, and they will not try to truly understand what I am experiencing.
I don't see this as a good or bad thing. It merely is. If anything, it has centered me, like a brutal slap in the face, like a jolting realization that there is nothing I can do to control the situations I am in... all I can do is just move forward and play with the cards I have been dealt.
The less I care, the further I seem to get in this world.
Sad.
Or at least, it would be sad if I gave two shits about anything. And at this point, I cannot afford to care whether or not this world wants to light itself on fire and burn itself to a crisp.
Just like the day I found out that nothing was as it seemed, I am ambivalent about the news of my family. It will spur me on to better things, yes, but at the expense of my own happiness. In order to cope, I am going to have to go back into that shell that I've been breaking out of, because it is in that shell where I find solace, hope, strength and courage.
Ironic, yes. But we all need a protective shell around us, don't we?
I'd like to introduce you to mine. But I'll save that for another day.
Other than the above-mentioned insanity, I had a nice and relaxing weekend. I went where I was wanted and I followed my bliss. I was actually happy for a few incandescent moments.
But now, I am neither happy nor sad. I am just am.
I will just be. Until the shock wears off, I will always be.
Talking with my mother on Friday, she informed me of something so terrible that I have no words to express what I feel.
It has to do with family, in particular the actions of a relative who has gone beyond hitting rock bottom-- they are now digging beneath the pavement.
I am 32 years old. Nothing should shock me anymore. But I feel like I am 16 again, grappling with contradictory notions of good and evil, light and dark, trying to balance all of this without becoming cynical or depressed.
It was so much to take in that I think I have short-circuited my emotions. I cannot laugh, I cannot cry.
All the progress I made... now I am back at Square One.
Suddenly, nothing else seems to matter. All the things I blog about, all the things I spend my time fretting over... none of it makes any amount of difference.
I tried being in touch with my own emotions for a spell and found that they were raging like stormy currents on the high seas. But hearing this bit of news shocked me back into the numbness that I am so accustomed to in my waking life.
Now my emotions are calm and still, without even so much as a ripple denting its pristine surface.
The world can pass me by and I can't bring myself to bat an eye. The words of well-wishers and the good-intentioned once again appear to me as just words, spoken by people who think they know the deal but do not.
Forgive me for not imparting the news that has me back in my old ways. I am candid about many aspects of my life but this is one those things that serves no purpose for me to reveal to anyone, because then I know people's perception of me will change. They will see me as a victim, or a sad sack, and they will not try to truly understand what I am experiencing.
I don't see this as a good or bad thing. It merely is. If anything, it has centered me, like a brutal slap in the face, like a jolting realization that there is nothing I can do to control the situations I am in... all I can do is just move forward and play with the cards I have been dealt.
The less I care, the further I seem to get in this world.
Sad.
Or at least, it would be sad if I gave two shits about anything. And at this point, I cannot afford to care whether or not this world wants to light itself on fire and burn itself to a crisp.
Just like the day I found out that nothing was as it seemed, I am ambivalent about the news of my family. It will spur me on to better things, yes, but at the expense of my own happiness. In order to cope, I am going to have to go back into that shell that I've been breaking out of, because it is in that shell where I find solace, hope, strength and courage.
Ironic, yes. But we all need a protective shell around us, don't we?
I'd like to introduce you to mine. But I'll save that for another day.
Other than the above-mentioned insanity, I had a nice and relaxing weekend. I went where I was wanted and I followed my bliss. I was actually happy for a few incandescent moments.
But now, I am neither happy nor sad. I am just am.
I will just be. Until the shock wears off, I will always be.
Friday, June 30, 2006
The Great Mystery
I know now that I will always love her, no matter what.
She slept with my best friend. She chose a guy she could control over my friendship and her own career. She has always come up with excuses not to be with me.
Despite all of that, I still love her.
It doesn't matter who I meet, and what they can do for me. When I need them, they are never there.
But she knows when I need her, even during the times when she'd like to help me but can't because it all hurts too much.
I need to do something new, yes. And so does she-- in fact, this weekend she is jumping into The Great Mystery of Life with someone who makes her happy.
And I'll be here, like I always am, waiting.
Why?
Because I will always love her, and that's what you do for people whom you love: you wait and see.
I have no choice. There is no alternative. Even when I move on she is always there, checking out my girlfriends, sizing them up, measuring whether they are good enough for me or not.
She loves me too.
Unfortunately, we are both control freaks, and we have a hard time trusting each other and admitting our respective needs.
But it's love. If it weren't, I would not be writing this. Nor would I be gutting my life of the girls who don't really matter, the ones who are not nor have ever been important.
They are not there for me when I am down. I'm not talking about the ones I've known all of my life and consider family-- I'm talking about the ones who fill up my voided days and very little beyond that.
The fact is, I don't want anyone else.
I want her.
But she needs to be free for a while.
So I will wait.
She slept with my best friend. She chose a guy she could control over my friendship and her own career. She has always come up with excuses not to be with me.
Despite all of that, I still love her.
It doesn't matter who I meet, and what they can do for me. When I need them, they are never there.
But she knows when I need her, even during the times when she'd like to help me but can't because it all hurts too much.
I need to do something new, yes. And so does she-- in fact, this weekend she is jumping into The Great Mystery of Life with someone who makes her happy.
And I'll be here, like I always am, waiting.
Why?
Because I will always love her, and that's what you do for people whom you love: you wait and see.
I have no choice. There is no alternative. Even when I move on she is always there, checking out my girlfriends, sizing them up, measuring whether they are good enough for me or not.
She loves me too.
Unfortunately, we are both control freaks, and we have a hard time trusting each other and admitting our respective needs.
But it's love. If it weren't, I would not be writing this. Nor would I be gutting my life of the girls who don't really matter, the ones who are not nor have ever been important.
They are not there for me when I am down. I'm not talking about the ones I've known all of my life and consider family-- I'm talking about the ones who fill up my voided days and very little beyond that.
The fact is, I don't want anyone else.
I want her.
But she needs to be free for a while.
So I will wait.
Monday, June 26, 2006
phony
I feel like such a phony.
I have always taken pride in the fact that I do whatever I feel like doing-- "following my bliss", so to speak. Lately, I haven't been feeling like that.
I feel like I am compromising. And it's more than just taking a new job that's got me feeling like this.
I have always known that I am not my job. Even when the job is something that I actually like, I am always able to divorce myself from any attachments concerning whatever I do to make ends meet.
So it's not the job that has got me feeling rundown. If anything, the job is a source of solace for me right now. It gives me something to focus my energy on for 10 hours a day.
Over the weekend I came to realize that, as of late, I have been afraid to be alone. This has never been a problem for me in the past. I used to relish my alone time, guarding it with extreme caution and care.
This explains my increasingly dramatic mood swings, perhaps, but the real question is: Why am I so afraid to be by myself? What do I fear will happen if left to my own devices?
What caused this fear to start taking shape?
I have a theory...
*/*
May 2003: My father and I had it out in a bad way. It was an all-out brawl, a fistfight on the scale of the standard saloon scene in a Western.
We duked it out, our respective aggressions being released. My father was crowing about respect, and I was trying to tell him that he lost my respect years ago. We are both very stubborn men, and so we ended up attempting to force the other to see things our way.
For me, it was more than just trying to prove I was right-- it was the uncorking of a decade or more of bottled rage. I have never hit a man with such hate and fury as I did on that day.
I would've strangled him if it had not been for my stepsister intervening.
Ever since that day, he and I have a tenuous relationship. My stepmother has been distant, as well as my stepsister. Ironically, my other stepsister (who did not witness the ugly ordeal herself) understood my situation when I explained it to her, but Steph (the one who convinced me to let my father out of a chokehold) was visibly disturbed by my demonstration of anger.
That is doubly ironic, considering that Steph has quite a temper of her own.
Anyway, the reason why I bring this up is because, ever since that day, I have given in to my anger more and more. A taste of blood in my mouth has given way to a raging river, a non-stop torrent, an insatiable quest to inflict pain and violence upon anything in my path.
And since I spend a lot of time alone, I am afraid of what I might do to myself if given the chance. I'm not talking about suicide or self-flagellation, though: I'm talking about dwelling on the pain with no one around to tell me to stop.
I will take my self-loathing to unhealthy extremes, and whereas before I could always count on myself to rein myself in I now feel terror and paralysis during certain moments when no one is around.
*/*
I watched Oliver Stone's Natural Born Killers on DVD last night at Purple Paulie's house.
This is one of those movies that actually gets better with time. When it first came out, I thought it was good but felt that it was too long and gave me a headache.
Now that I'm a bit older, I can appreciate the movie in different terms.
Stone's message, however convoluted, is clear: Love beats the demons inside all of us, or at least it keeps them at bay for a little while.
I wonder if that's true. I try to recall all the times I was in love, and I try to think if being in love brought out the demons or eradicated them.
The demons are mostly still here, so I can't say they were exorcised. But then again, maybe I've never been in love. Maybe all those times when it felt so real, it was all just an illusion.
Maybe I've been wrong about everything and everyone.
All I know is, I feel very alone right now and making matters worse is the fact that I cannot bear to be around myself.
That is the narcissist's worst nightmare: to be unable to look at one's self in the mirror, to be unable to live with one's self.
*/*
The job is just a symptom of this phony feeling. Doing this kind of work does not automatically make me a compromiser or a settler. It is symbolic, rather, of how I am feeling.
I feel empty and hollow. I get vibes from people that only serve to confirm this.
My friend J from NYC was in town, but I only saw her for an hour. I don't think she was trying to avoid me purposely-- she's a busy girl and she has a family that misses her dearly. They want to spend as much time with her as possible.
I don't blame her for not wanting to spend too much time with me. I think it would have depressed her. I am sure, now that she is married and living her own life on the East Coast, that I just remind of her things she used to care about but outgrew long ago.
She was my best friend. But I haven't exactly been that good of a friend to her. So I shouldn't be shocked or surprised that she can't find the time for me. I mean, what would we do if we hung out for longer than an hour?
I would probably just harangue her with the petty details of my life while she sat there, waiting for a break in the flow to give her two cents... a break that might never occur thanks to my motormouth.
I know she reads this blog, and I must stress that my intent is not to make her feel guilty or bad. In fact, as I write this I am also looking up quotes on airfare to NYC later this year.
I guess I am writing this out because it is another symptom of this phoniness I feel. I am not who I say I am. I am aware of this, and it bothers me.
I guess I have to go back to the drawing board and ask myself, Who am I?
What do I stand for? What is my purpose in life? Where will I end up and how will I get there?
*/*
I recently asked some of my My Space friends a quiz-like question: What is one thing you know for certain about me?
Only a handful of people responded. None of them were people I see on a regular basis. Their answers varied, and some of them went as follows:
You are an artist.
You are underestimated by certain people and a lot smarter than you let on.
You are trying to do the right thing.
Rather than re-affirming things I already know, these sentiments confuse me further. I don't recognize myself in their descriptions. At one point in my life I would've basked in the solipsistic glow, but not today.
I am a stranger to myself. I no longer can distinguish myself from anyone else. I am not unique in my own eyes anymore. I do not stand out-- instead, I blend in, I camouflage myself like a chameleon.
I am just like everyone else: afraid to be alone for a second, afraid of everything around me.
This is not right. Something must be done. I kept thinking that I had to get rid of this job, but that's not the answer. In fact, the job may be the key to transforming myself into something I can look in the eyes and feel pride over, something that will allow me to hold my head up high again.
I don't want to live in fear anymore. The irony is that, in the weeks following my fight with my father, I felt invincible, indestructible. But that was a pose, apparently, because now I see that I am desperate and horrified at my disposition towards the world.
I crossed a line, and it is proving to be very difficult to try and get back past it, as if I'd never crossed it.
It seems to be the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.
I have always taken pride in the fact that I do whatever I feel like doing-- "following my bliss", so to speak. Lately, I haven't been feeling like that.
I feel like I am compromising. And it's more than just taking a new job that's got me feeling like this.
I have always known that I am not my job. Even when the job is something that I actually like, I am always able to divorce myself from any attachments concerning whatever I do to make ends meet.
So it's not the job that has got me feeling rundown. If anything, the job is a source of solace for me right now. It gives me something to focus my energy on for 10 hours a day.
Over the weekend I came to realize that, as of late, I have been afraid to be alone. This has never been a problem for me in the past. I used to relish my alone time, guarding it with extreme caution and care.
This explains my increasingly dramatic mood swings, perhaps, but the real question is: Why am I so afraid to be by myself? What do I fear will happen if left to my own devices?
What caused this fear to start taking shape?
I have a theory...
*/*
May 2003: My father and I had it out in a bad way. It was an all-out brawl, a fistfight on the scale of the standard saloon scene in a Western.
We duked it out, our respective aggressions being released. My father was crowing about respect, and I was trying to tell him that he lost my respect years ago. We are both very stubborn men, and so we ended up attempting to force the other to see things our way.
For me, it was more than just trying to prove I was right-- it was the uncorking of a decade or more of bottled rage. I have never hit a man with such hate and fury as I did on that day.
I would've strangled him if it had not been for my stepsister intervening.
Ever since that day, he and I have a tenuous relationship. My stepmother has been distant, as well as my stepsister. Ironically, my other stepsister (who did not witness the ugly ordeal herself) understood my situation when I explained it to her, but Steph (the one who convinced me to let my father out of a chokehold) was visibly disturbed by my demonstration of anger.
That is doubly ironic, considering that Steph has quite a temper of her own.
Anyway, the reason why I bring this up is because, ever since that day, I have given in to my anger more and more. A taste of blood in my mouth has given way to a raging river, a non-stop torrent, an insatiable quest to inflict pain and violence upon anything in my path.
And since I spend a lot of time alone, I am afraid of what I might do to myself if given the chance. I'm not talking about suicide or self-flagellation, though: I'm talking about dwelling on the pain with no one around to tell me to stop.
I will take my self-loathing to unhealthy extremes, and whereas before I could always count on myself to rein myself in I now feel terror and paralysis during certain moments when no one is around.
*/*
I watched Oliver Stone's Natural Born Killers on DVD last night at Purple Paulie's house.
This is one of those movies that actually gets better with time. When it first came out, I thought it was good but felt that it was too long and gave me a headache.
Now that I'm a bit older, I can appreciate the movie in different terms.
Stone's message, however convoluted, is clear: Love beats the demons inside all of us, or at least it keeps them at bay for a little while.
I wonder if that's true. I try to recall all the times I was in love, and I try to think if being in love brought out the demons or eradicated them.
The demons are mostly still here, so I can't say they were exorcised. But then again, maybe I've never been in love. Maybe all those times when it felt so real, it was all just an illusion.
Maybe I've been wrong about everything and everyone.
All I know is, I feel very alone right now and making matters worse is the fact that I cannot bear to be around myself.
That is the narcissist's worst nightmare: to be unable to look at one's self in the mirror, to be unable to live with one's self.
*/*
The job is just a symptom of this phony feeling. Doing this kind of work does not automatically make me a compromiser or a settler. It is symbolic, rather, of how I am feeling.
I feel empty and hollow. I get vibes from people that only serve to confirm this.
My friend J from NYC was in town, but I only saw her for an hour. I don't think she was trying to avoid me purposely-- she's a busy girl and she has a family that misses her dearly. They want to spend as much time with her as possible.
I don't blame her for not wanting to spend too much time with me. I think it would have depressed her. I am sure, now that she is married and living her own life on the East Coast, that I just remind of her things she used to care about but outgrew long ago.
She was my best friend. But I haven't exactly been that good of a friend to her. So I shouldn't be shocked or surprised that she can't find the time for me. I mean, what would we do if we hung out for longer than an hour?
I would probably just harangue her with the petty details of my life while she sat there, waiting for a break in the flow to give her two cents... a break that might never occur thanks to my motormouth.
I know she reads this blog, and I must stress that my intent is not to make her feel guilty or bad. In fact, as I write this I am also looking up quotes on airfare to NYC later this year.
I guess I am writing this out because it is another symptom of this phoniness I feel. I am not who I say I am. I am aware of this, and it bothers me.
I guess I have to go back to the drawing board and ask myself, Who am I?
What do I stand for? What is my purpose in life? Where will I end up and how will I get there?
*/*
I recently asked some of my My Space friends a quiz-like question: What is one thing you know for certain about me?
Only a handful of people responded. None of them were people I see on a regular basis. Their answers varied, and some of them went as follows:
You are an artist.
You are underestimated by certain people and a lot smarter than you let on.
You are trying to do the right thing.
Rather than re-affirming things I already know, these sentiments confuse me further. I don't recognize myself in their descriptions. At one point in my life I would've basked in the solipsistic glow, but not today.
I am a stranger to myself. I no longer can distinguish myself from anyone else. I am not unique in my own eyes anymore. I do not stand out-- instead, I blend in, I camouflage myself like a chameleon.
I am just like everyone else: afraid to be alone for a second, afraid of everything around me.
This is not right. Something must be done. I kept thinking that I had to get rid of this job, but that's not the answer. In fact, the job may be the key to transforming myself into something I can look in the eyes and feel pride over, something that will allow me to hold my head up high again.
I don't want to live in fear anymore. The irony is that, in the weeks following my fight with my father, I felt invincible, indestructible. But that was a pose, apparently, because now I see that I am desperate and horrified at my disposition towards the world.
I crossed a line, and it is proving to be very difficult to try and get back past it, as if I'd never crossed it.
It seems to be the hardest thing I have ever tried to do.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
bread & butter (rebuke the cosmos)
The phrase "bread and butter" puzzled us one day. I then proceeded, out of my particular brand of insatiable curiosity, to quiz all within earshot, and no one knew its origin.
Sure, they knew it had to be said at certain times, but as to where the ritual stemmed from was anyone's best guess.
I did some searching online. Here's a wholesale quotation from one source that I found:
Bread Superstitions
-Whomever eats the last piece of bread has to kiss the cook
-It is bad luck to turn a loaf of bread upside down or cut an unbaked loaf
-If you burn bread it means your sweetheart is angry with you
-To prevent ghosts from calling, leave bread and coffee under a house
-Eating bread baked by a woman whose maiden name is the same as her married name is a cure for many illnesses
-If all the bread is eaten, the next day will be good
-If you put a piece of bread in a baby's cradle, it will keep away disease
-Murphy's Law dictates that buttered bread will always land buttered-side down
-Cutting bread in an uneven manner is a sign that you have been telling lies
-A loaf of bread should never be turned upside down after a slice has been cut from it
-When a couple is walking down the street holding hands and an obstacle comes between them, say "bread and butter" to keep the union until the hands meet again
Also, from an online source:
SUPERSTITIONS
-Handshake - Originally a gesture to show that one did not have a weapon. It has always been done with the right hand because it is considered the lucky hand.
-Evil Eye - It is believed that one can control others with a glance or different sort of look. It can kill, blight, maim, cripple, paralyze, etc. In the 1930s, a New York man earned his living by renting his evil eye to prize-fight managers. He would sit at ringside and stare at the opposing fighter. Their ignorance and superstitions often stunned them enough to set them up for a knock-out.
-Easter Eggs - These symbols stem from a rite for the “hatching” of spring.
-Charm Bracelet - This item stems from the worship of carved deities. e.g. totem poles
-Bread and Butter - This counter-spell is used to deny a separation by naming things that belong or stick together.
*/*
Interesting.
I like the latter explanation, that it is a counter-spell. When the universe denies a union by forcing separation upon a pair, then it becomes necessary to rebuke the cosmos.
We belong together. Nothing should come between the two of us.
So I say "Bread and butter".
Sure, they knew it had to be said at certain times, but as to where the ritual stemmed from was anyone's best guess.
I did some searching online. Here's a wholesale quotation from one source that I found:
Bread Superstitions
-Whomever eats the last piece of bread has to kiss the cook
-It is bad luck to turn a loaf of bread upside down or cut an unbaked loaf
-If you burn bread it means your sweetheart is angry with you
-To prevent ghosts from calling, leave bread and coffee under a house
-Eating bread baked by a woman whose maiden name is the same as her married name is a cure for many illnesses
-If all the bread is eaten, the next day will be good
-If you put a piece of bread in a baby's cradle, it will keep away disease
-Murphy's Law dictates that buttered bread will always land buttered-side down
-Cutting bread in an uneven manner is a sign that you have been telling lies
-A loaf of bread should never be turned upside down after a slice has been cut from it
-When a couple is walking down the street holding hands and an obstacle comes between them, say "bread and butter" to keep the union until the hands meet again
Also, from an online source:
SUPERSTITIONS
-Handshake - Originally a gesture to show that one did not have a weapon. It has always been done with the right hand because it is considered the lucky hand.
-Evil Eye - It is believed that one can control others with a glance or different sort of look. It can kill, blight, maim, cripple, paralyze, etc. In the 1930s, a New York man earned his living by renting his evil eye to prize-fight managers. He would sit at ringside and stare at the opposing fighter. Their ignorance and superstitions often stunned them enough to set them up for a knock-out.
-Easter Eggs - These symbols stem from a rite for the “hatching” of spring.
-Charm Bracelet - This item stems from the worship of carved deities. e.g. totem poles
-Bread and Butter - This counter-spell is used to deny a separation by naming things that belong or stick together.
*/*
Interesting.
I like the latter explanation, that it is a counter-spell. When the universe denies a union by forcing separation upon a pair, then it becomes necessary to rebuke the cosmos.
We belong together. Nothing should come between the two of us.
So I say "Bread and butter".
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
dues
Mercury doesn't go retrograde until July 4th but MAN does it feel like it's on right now...
I stabbed myself in the foot over the weekend. My paycheck was lost in the system last week, and even then they are paying me for work I did almost a month ago. The toilet here at the office is running on low water pressure and takes ten years for one flush. My computer at work is on the fritz every other day, and I keep getting lost on the commute home.
Fucked-up things are happening not just to me but to others.
And to top it all off, it has been getting hot as a mug in Southern Cali.
*/*
I disabled the comments on this blog. No one leaves comments anymore, so fuck all y'all who never left a comment for me. You suck.
Believe it or not, I'm actually not in a bad mood. I can't say it's a good mood, but it ain't bad either.
I don't drink coffee anymore. I think this has had a positive effect on my sleeping patterns, especially in regards to adjusting to this new schedule.
I've been keeping busy. I've been focusing on my goals.
I plan to be out of debt by the end of the summer.
Hooray.
*/*
My homegirl J from NYC is out here on the West Coast, but she is up in San Francisco right now. I think she is working on some project for MTV or something.
She is the one person I've been jonesing to see lately. I've known her almost all of my life. She has been my one true confidante and a source of constant inspiration.
We just laugh our asses off when we get together.
I plan to visit J and her husband in NYC sometime later this year. It will be the first time I've been to New York since 1999.
This new job has opened up many possibilities for me. I think everything is going to work out fine.
I think...
*/*
The end of the month will be a turning point for me. When I get that first big check, I already have the money rationed and allotted for certain things.
I will pay off the majority of the $1,000 debt. I will buy the animation program I have been lusting after, and I will start looking for airfares to the East Coast.
By the end of August, I will have enough money to fix my Ford Escort, which has been sitting in my garage for three years. I don't really care about the car, but I need to get it the fuck out of my garage.
Now is the time. I've been waiting for this day for five years.
I paid my dues, and now it's time to reap what I have sown.
I apologize if this post seems terse, detached or dispassionate. I'd write more but I don't want to jinx anything.
I'm so close to liberation that it's scary.
Wish me well.
I stabbed myself in the foot over the weekend. My paycheck was lost in the system last week, and even then they are paying me for work I did almost a month ago. The toilet here at the office is running on low water pressure and takes ten years for one flush. My computer at work is on the fritz every other day, and I keep getting lost on the commute home.
Fucked-up things are happening not just to me but to others.
And to top it all off, it has been getting hot as a mug in Southern Cali.
*/*
I disabled the comments on this blog. No one leaves comments anymore, so fuck all y'all who never left a comment for me. You suck.
Believe it or not, I'm actually not in a bad mood. I can't say it's a good mood, but it ain't bad either.
I don't drink coffee anymore. I think this has had a positive effect on my sleeping patterns, especially in regards to adjusting to this new schedule.
I've been keeping busy. I've been focusing on my goals.
I plan to be out of debt by the end of the summer.
Hooray.
*/*
My homegirl J from NYC is out here on the West Coast, but she is up in San Francisco right now. I think she is working on some project for MTV or something.
She is the one person I've been jonesing to see lately. I've known her almost all of my life. She has been my one true confidante and a source of constant inspiration.
We just laugh our asses off when we get together.
I plan to visit J and her husband in NYC sometime later this year. It will be the first time I've been to New York since 1999.
This new job has opened up many possibilities for me. I think everything is going to work out fine.
I think...
*/*
The end of the month will be a turning point for me. When I get that first big check, I already have the money rationed and allotted for certain things.
I will pay off the majority of the $1,000 debt. I will buy the animation program I have been lusting after, and I will start looking for airfares to the East Coast.
By the end of August, I will have enough money to fix my Ford Escort, which has been sitting in my garage for three years. I don't really care about the car, but I need to get it the fuck out of my garage.
Now is the time. I've been waiting for this day for five years.
I paid my dues, and now it's time to reap what I have sown.
I apologize if this post seems terse, detached or dispassionate. I'd write more but I don't want to jinx anything.
I'm so close to liberation that it's scary.
Wish me well.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Simpsons Wake
“The Simpsons, like Monty Python, is an Anglo-Saxon comedic take on the existentialism which in France takes on a more tragic hue. Albert Camus’s absurd is defied not by will, but mocking laughter… The satirical cartoon world is essentially a philosophical one because to work, it needs to reflect reality accurately by abstracting it, distilling it and then presenting it back to us, illuminating it more brightly than realist fiction can.
"That’s why it’s no coincidence that the most insightful and philosophical cultural product of our time is a comic cartoon, and why its creator, Matt Groening, is the true heir of Plato, Aristotle and Kant.”
PHILOSOPHER JULIAN BAGGINI
Bristol Festival of Ideas
Link courtesy of Private Eye Magazine
I personally feel that The Simpsons have evolved from a clever and caustic parody of The Flintstones to something akin to the Earwicker family in Joyce's Finnegans Wake, especially during the special epsiodes where the Simpsons family and various minor characters are cast in famous roles. Their parody of The Odyssey, for example, casts Homer as Odysseus, Marge as Penelope and Bart as Telemachus. They can be re-cast into anything cultural so long as there are corresponding matches to the characters. Like the Earwickers in FW, we can imagine and re-imagine the Simpsons family in any number of situations, parodying an infinite number of books, movies and historical events, symbolizing the different polarities that exist in the rich mythology of mankind.
Have a nice weekend...
"That’s why it’s no coincidence that the most insightful and philosophical cultural product of our time is a comic cartoon, and why its creator, Matt Groening, is the true heir of Plato, Aristotle and Kant.”
PHILOSOPHER JULIAN BAGGINI
Bristol Festival of Ideas
Link courtesy of Private Eye Magazine
I personally feel that The Simpsons have evolved from a clever and caustic parody of The Flintstones to something akin to the Earwicker family in Joyce's Finnegans Wake, especially during the special epsiodes where the Simpsons family and various minor characters are cast in famous roles. Their parody of The Odyssey, for example, casts Homer as Odysseus, Marge as Penelope and Bart as Telemachus. They can be re-cast into anything cultural so long as there are corresponding matches to the characters. Like the Earwickers in FW, we can imagine and re-imagine the Simpsons family in any number of situations, parodying an infinite number of books, movies and historical events, symbolizing the different polarities that exist in the rich mythology of mankind.
Have a nice weekend...
understanding
I am adjusting slowly but surely to the new job schedule.
I spent three years waking up at 10AM, getting to work at noon but not working until 3PM, then going home anytime between 5PM and 7:45PM.
Now I have the alarm set for 5:45AM... hell, just having the alarm set AT ALL is a bitch!
I have myself trained to the point where I wake up right before the alarm, but I'm still too lazy to stay awake after I turn it off... and I've never been a Snooze Button kind of guy.
Getting to sleep on time has been improving. Only two nights this week did I stay out past 10PM, and both of those nights were party nights: Monday I went out to visit The Wolf Man and make music, and last night I kicked it with Purple Paulie and assorted friends. The rest of the week was spent playing shows and rehearsing with other bands.
Speaking of Wolfie, he is leaving town. He's had it with Los Angeles and wants to relocate to Oregon. He has a degree in Advanced Chemistry but he wants to be a rock star. I say he should try and be a rock star chemist, but it's a hard sell.
I really should get him to hook me up with his snow connect before he moves away. Not that I'm getting into it... it's just that it's really high quality and the very rare occasions when I deign to do it are worth all the trouble.
The next day I was a wreck. I received all sorts of bad news and bad vibes on Tuesday. I didn't fully recuperate until Wednesday.
Thursday was blissful and mellow. While at Paulie's last night I sat down and had a chat with Nona, Paulie's girlfriend and a close friend of mine for years.
She and I used to sit around and talk all the time. I was friends with her sister Nina, whose current beau hired me for my new job. I introduced Nona to Paulie and was friends with her when she was dating Sharky.
We made small talk but I liked how small the talk was, especially considering that there are big-- no, huge --concerns on my mind as of late. Nona is not one to get deep or sentimental. She barely ever speaks at all, content to be a silent, lanky Buddha reclining in her favorite chair with a bong as a sceptor.
But she understands me, and that makes me realize that everyone in my life has a different understanding of who I am.
Eve understands me too, but it's a different kind of understanding. It is informed by romance and past history characterizations we've made in our heads colored by sex and emotions too dark to label.
All the women I flock to have different understandings of me. It's as if I have several therapists-- all of them women --who all have separate diagnoses for what ails me.
One of these days I'm going to organize a summit. Everyone will show up and compare notes, and after extensive research we will see just what my big problem is, and whether I can do anything about it.
No men will be invited. Men are not interested in profiling me, even though I have entire dossiers in my head concerning my guy pals. Maybe it's because I know them too well that I deny them the chance to diagnose me.
That's how my week has been: coke sessions, band rehearsals, and heart-to-heart talks with longtime confidantes.
As for Friday, so far so good.
I spent three years waking up at 10AM, getting to work at noon but not working until 3PM, then going home anytime between 5PM and 7:45PM.
Now I have the alarm set for 5:45AM... hell, just having the alarm set AT ALL is a bitch!
I have myself trained to the point where I wake up right before the alarm, but I'm still too lazy to stay awake after I turn it off... and I've never been a Snooze Button kind of guy.
Getting to sleep on time has been improving. Only two nights this week did I stay out past 10PM, and both of those nights were party nights: Monday I went out to visit The Wolf Man and make music, and last night I kicked it with Purple Paulie and assorted friends. The rest of the week was spent playing shows and rehearsing with other bands.
Speaking of Wolfie, he is leaving town. He's had it with Los Angeles and wants to relocate to Oregon. He has a degree in Advanced Chemistry but he wants to be a rock star. I say he should try and be a rock star chemist, but it's a hard sell.
I really should get him to hook me up with his snow connect before he moves away. Not that I'm getting into it... it's just that it's really high quality and the very rare occasions when I deign to do it are worth all the trouble.
The next day I was a wreck. I received all sorts of bad news and bad vibes on Tuesday. I didn't fully recuperate until Wednesday.
Thursday was blissful and mellow. While at Paulie's last night I sat down and had a chat with Nona, Paulie's girlfriend and a close friend of mine for years.
She and I used to sit around and talk all the time. I was friends with her sister Nina, whose current beau hired me for my new job. I introduced Nona to Paulie and was friends with her when she was dating Sharky.
We made small talk but I liked how small the talk was, especially considering that there are big-- no, huge --concerns on my mind as of late. Nona is not one to get deep or sentimental. She barely ever speaks at all, content to be a silent, lanky Buddha reclining in her favorite chair with a bong as a sceptor.
But she understands me, and that makes me realize that everyone in my life has a different understanding of who I am.
Eve understands me too, but it's a different kind of understanding. It is informed by romance and past history characterizations we've made in our heads colored by sex and emotions too dark to label.
All the women I flock to have different understandings of me. It's as if I have several therapists-- all of them women --who all have separate diagnoses for what ails me.
One of these days I'm going to organize a summit. Everyone will show up and compare notes, and after extensive research we will see just what my big problem is, and whether I can do anything about it.
No men will be invited. Men are not interested in profiling me, even though I have entire dossiers in my head concerning my guy pals. Maybe it's because I know them too well that I deny them the chance to diagnose me.
That's how my week has been: coke sessions, band rehearsals, and heart-to-heart talks with longtime confidantes.
As for Friday, so far so good.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
more disappointment
I thought I would have scored higher-- at least past the 50% mark!
| You Are 48% Sociopath |
 You're not a sociopath, but you're very prone to antisocial behavior. Other people's opinions matter little to you. You live your own fringe life - for better or worse. |
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
official
Yesterday I finally got Eve to admit that she has been seeing someone. This makes a big difference to me.
I knew she was seeing someone but getting her to admit it was like pulling teeth. Fortunately I knew it was only a matter of time before it would come down to her having to state the obvious.
That is my biggest pet peeve with her: her inability to be honest. She will pride herself on being blunt, true, but that's not the same as being honest. I think she was reluctant to say anything to me until she was sure that she was secure with this new thing she has going on.
Ironically, all she had to do was tell me she was already seeing someone and I would've backed off much earlier. But of course she has this pitiable view of me and thought that I wouldn't be able to handle the truth.
I can handle the truth fine. It's the untruths that set me off. I wasn't born yesterday, and I know when she is seeing someone else-- despite her best acting talents.
So now the official reason for her refusal to date me is that she can't handle my emotional outbursts. OK, fair enough... but she has never bothered to put two and two together and realize that the only reason why I was having these outbursts was because I knew she was looking to get out of it and she wasn't being on the level with me. Not that she has to report to me about everything-- still, if I really am her best friend then she would have just told me, even if she feared that I would not take it well.
I mean, I have been frank and candid with her about my relationships with other girls, in person and in these pages. She told me that she doesn't like hearing about them, but it doesn't stop me from letting her know what is going on my life. It's not my fault that she couldn't bear to hear my thoughts about other women.
But when it's the other way around, it's different. Not knowing is what drives me crazy. However, now that I know it is official, I actually feel better because now I can focus on the things in my life I have been neglecting.
I can devote more time to the bands I'm in. I can start my own animation and finish up what's left on the project with Purple Paulie and Peter. I can finish my screenplay and put together a demo collection of my own songs. And now that I know she is out with another guy, I can stop obsessing over whether she is really seeing someone else or if she is just trying to make me jealous.
I have this weird code: I will always honor my exes-turned-platonic-friends' relationships. The minute they find someone else, I'm off the case. Maybe Eve knows this and was hesitant to say anything because she knows that it lessens her power over me.
But things are not quite better just yet. I still had a show to do last night with my other band, and I got mighty drunk. It was our first show and it went off without a hitch. People kept buying me drinks and by the time I got home I was ready to hurl.
Instead, I hurled a lengthy, rambling message onto Eve's voice mail, wherein I announced I was giving up music (not true) and stopping all creative efforts (also not true) if I couldn't have her. I meant them when I said them last night, right before I puked my guts out.
But now that I am sober, awake, and at my new job, I realize that it was just drunk talk.
The fact is, it's a beautiful day outside and I am doing better than I have been in a long time, both financially and socially. And now that Eve has paired up with someone else, I can actually see an upside to all of this.
Let's examine further the silver lining on this dark cloud.
*/*
Like I said, the new reason she gives is that I am emotionally unstable. Before that, it was because she thought I wanted to have a baby(!) and before that it was because I could do so much better than her and she was holding me back...
When the reasons for not wanting to be with me keep changing like the weather, I find it hard to believe them. Eve likes to say that she trusts no one, but I think she finds it hard to accept that I don't trust her either. So she would get mad when I would make snide comments about her seeing other people, and the reason why she got upset was because I was hitting the nail on the head.
Funny how she didn't seem to mind the policy towards snide comments when she was making intimations about me and some of my platonic female friends to my face.
She says she doesn't want anyone kissing her ass, but if you ask me that's exactly what she wants. If I ever bent to her will, it wasn't out of some groveling ass-kissing measure-- it was because I always got the same advice from my married friends and girlfriend-saddled peers regarding women.
The advice: "Even when you're right, you have to say that you're wrong"
That's hard for me to do. But for Eve, I would occasionally drop the gloves and let her have her way. She took this to mean that I have no spine.
Let her think it all she wants. I don't hold my emotions back with her so she probably thinks I'm a big pussy. I can see why. It can be unnerving to deal with someone who has a crying jag every month such as myself. Eve is the only person I cry with (or over) and I'm sure it puts a strain on her.
I inherited that unattractive trait from my father, who was nothing but a big ball of tears and misdirected woe during the post-divorce years.
However, my father's self-pity made me sick because he was the one who brought the calamity down not only upon himself but his family. It's hard to feel sorry for someone who engineered their own downfall, even if you love them. And when I became an unwitting victim to his inconsiderate actions, I began to hate him.
In my case, I am just a hyper-sensitive Romantic. But this morning instead of beating myself up about it, I realized that (unlike my father) I have actually stood up to Eve many times.
My father never once stood up to my mother, and there is a part of me that resents him still for his lack of confidence regarding her.
I love my mother very much, but I wish my father had been strong enough to put her in her place every once in a while. He never did. He let her walk all over him.
I may feel crappy about this Eve thing right now, but one thing's for certain: I didn't let her walk all over me.
I think back to last year around this time. It is almost identical to now. Eve was off trying to jump-start some romance with someone else, and I was on my own, seeing other girls and trying to forget about Eve.
The only difference is that I don't have anyone to distract me at the moment. But last year was a great lesson for me, because my sexual renaissance in the summer of 2005 was preceded by two or three God-awfully lonely months of being miserable and wondering what Eve was doing.
I think I am at the end of this year's bad cycle, and if the past has taught me anything it's that I am now on threshold of something new and exciting.
*/*
The true test of my strength, of course, is whether or not I can be friends with her now that we are separate.
That means that if things don't work out with this new guy and she comes running to me for some comfort, I have to not give in.
That means that I need to find someone to get my mind off of her pronto. It doesn't have to be anything meaningful, and I wouldn't use it as an opportunity to show Eve up.
It all has to do with the simple fact that a man can get over any heartbreak if there is another option in front of him readily available.
Does that sound shallow? I'm sure it does. But what's the alternative? Staying miserable? Pining away for something that's never going to happen? You tell me.
Last year, if Monique had not gone off to Virginia, I would've made the break from Eve and I would've been able to be friends with her without worrying about our attraction to each other. That's because I would've had someone else to relieve me of my stress (and quite possibly cause me a whole new set of problems).
It didn't work out like that. By the time Laurie and Daniel renewed their wedding vows last year, the two of us found ourselves working it out in the bedroom.
No doubt I will be labeled as 'bitter' by anyone who reads this or anyone who brings it up to me... and believe me, people will bring it up. They always do. I can go through entire conversations without bringing her up (mainly because I write about her so much that nothing needs to be actually said) and usually it falls upon the other person, who may be running out of things to talk about and figures that they'll strike oil by bringing her up to me.
I mean, no one ever asks me, "So, James, have you been seeing anyone else since you and Eve called it quits?"
No, they never ask that. Instead, they ask, "So, how are things with Eve?"
Then it falls upon me to be the one to make distinctions. "We're just friends. I've been seeing someone else, though. She's real great, she's--"
"Yeah, it's too bad. I always thought you and Eve were perfect for each other."
A pause from me. Then, I usually say, "Sure. Why not? But that's history. Next week I have a date with--"
"If you see her, tell her I said 'hi', okay?"
That usually causes me to think to myself, Fuck that-- why don't you tell her yourself? Anyway, you're probably going to look her up now that you know we're not together...
But I don't say that. I just think it. Instead, I say something like, "That's if I do see her again. You'll probably see her before I do, and she'll probably be with her new dude..."
That usually causes the topic of conversation to change quickly.
*/*
Listening to Snoop Dogg's first album, Doggystyle, was a blast from the past. It's been 13 years since this delicious platter dropped, and I recently bought a CD version at a garage sale for a dollar. I have the album on vinyl but rarely play it, and I need music for the car.
Something that's funny (or not, depending on your view of misogynistic rap lyrics) throughout the album is Snoop's declaration that he "never loved a hoe". He'll fuck a hoe in a heartbeat, but he won't love her. Lots of gangsters and wannabe pimps adopt this strategy, claiming success.
I guess I'm the same. I don't love hoes either. I'll fuck them, but I don't love them.
But for me, "hoe" doesn't mean "whore" or "slut"-- it just means some girl who tied you over for a spell. These girls never give me problems. They never come around again, and they never look back.
Sometimes, when I'm in a poetic mood, I will write a tribute to them, but that's about it. Occasionally I run into them, and they are doing fine.
I recall the time spent with them fondly. But I never loved them.
I can't say the same about Eve. That's what makes all of this so intense.
But I'll say this: Looking back on the early posts in this blog, I was tortured by not knowing what was going on with her. And now, there's a full circle here. There's the closure I always wanted.
We were apart. We came back together. We had a rendezvous that was short but (mostly) sweet. She had issues, I had issues.
But we're friends again, and she isn't with Dick anymore.
That's all that matters. When it comes to love, you have to remember what really matters.
Otherwise, you'll lose sight of your goals, and you'll fuck up in a big way.
Some people thought I was fucking up by getting mixed up with her again, but they didn't know-- and they'll never know --what had to be done, nor will they ever understand.
When I made contact with Eve again, I expected to share some words and say a long goodbye. A year and a half later, the long goodbye has turned into a promise that we'll see each other every now and then.
Coupled with a new job and a new outlook on life, I can't see how this can be bad.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?
I knew she was seeing someone but getting her to admit it was like pulling teeth. Fortunately I knew it was only a matter of time before it would come down to her having to state the obvious.
That is my biggest pet peeve with her: her inability to be honest. She will pride herself on being blunt, true, but that's not the same as being honest. I think she was reluctant to say anything to me until she was sure that she was secure with this new thing she has going on.
Ironically, all she had to do was tell me she was already seeing someone and I would've backed off much earlier. But of course she has this pitiable view of me and thought that I wouldn't be able to handle the truth.
I can handle the truth fine. It's the untruths that set me off. I wasn't born yesterday, and I know when she is seeing someone else-- despite her best acting talents.
So now the official reason for her refusal to date me is that she can't handle my emotional outbursts. OK, fair enough... but she has never bothered to put two and two together and realize that the only reason why I was having these outbursts was because I knew she was looking to get out of it and she wasn't being on the level with me. Not that she has to report to me about everything-- still, if I really am her best friend then she would have just told me, even if she feared that I would not take it well.
I mean, I have been frank and candid with her about my relationships with other girls, in person and in these pages. She told me that she doesn't like hearing about them, but it doesn't stop me from letting her know what is going on my life. It's not my fault that she couldn't bear to hear my thoughts about other women.
But when it's the other way around, it's different. Not knowing is what drives me crazy. However, now that I know it is official, I actually feel better because now I can focus on the things in my life I have been neglecting.
I can devote more time to the bands I'm in. I can start my own animation and finish up what's left on the project with Purple Paulie and Peter. I can finish my screenplay and put together a demo collection of my own songs. And now that I know she is out with another guy, I can stop obsessing over whether she is really seeing someone else or if she is just trying to make me jealous.
I have this weird code: I will always honor my exes-turned-platonic-friends' relationships. The minute they find someone else, I'm off the case. Maybe Eve knows this and was hesitant to say anything because she knows that it lessens her power over me.
But things are not quite better just yet. I still had a show to do last night with my other band, and I got mighty drunk. It was our first show and it went off without a hitch. People kept buying me drinks and by the time I got home I was ready to hurl.
Instead, I hurled a lengthy, rambling message onto Eve's voice mail, wherein I announced I was giving up music (not true) and stopping all creative efforts (also not true) if I couldn't have her. I meant them when I said them last night, right before I puked my guts out.
But now that I am sober, awake, and at my new job, I realize that it was just drunk talk.
The fact is, it's a beautiful day outside and I am doing better than I have been in a long time, both financially and socially. And now that Eve has paired up with someone else, I can actually see an upside to all of this.
Let's examine further the silver lining on this dark cloud.
*/*
Like I said, the new reason she gives is that I am emotionally unstable. Before that, it was because she thought I wanted to have a baby(!) and before that it was because I could do so much better than her and she was holding me back...
When the reasons for not wanting to be with me keep changing like the weather, I find it hard to believe them. Eve likes to say that she trusts no one, but I think she finds it hard to accept that I don't trust her either. So she would get mad when I would make snide comments about her seeing other people, and the reason why she got upset was because I was hitting the nail on the head.
Funny how she didn't seem to mind the policy towards snide comments when she was making intimations about me and some of my platonic female friends to my face.
She says she doesn't want anyone kissing her ass, but if you ask me that's exactly what she wants. If I ever bent to her will, it wasn't out of some groveling ass-kissing measure-- it was because I always got the same advice from my married friends and girlfriend-saddled peers regarding women.
The advice: "Even when you're right, you have to say that you're wrong"
That's hard for me to do. But for Eve, I would occasionally drop the gloves and let her have her way. She took this to mean that I have no spine.
Let her think it all she wants. I don't hold my emotions back with her so she probably thinks I'm a big pussy. I can see why. It can be unnerving to deal with someone who has a crying jag every month such as myself. Eve is the only person I cry with (or over) and I'm sure it puts a strain on her.
I inherited that unattractive trait from my father, who was nothing but a big ball of tears and misdirected woe during the post-divorce years.
However, my father's self-pity made me sick because he was the one who brought the calamity down not only upon himself but his family. It's hard to feel sorry for someone who engineered their own downfall, even if you love them. And when I became an unwitting victim to his inconsiderate actions, I began to hate him.
In my case, I am just a hyper-sensitive Romantic. But this morning instead of beating myself up about it, I realized that (unlike my father) I have actually stood up to Eve many times.
My father never once stood up to my mother, and there is a part of me that resents him still for his lack of confidence regarding her.
I love my mother very much, but I wish my father had been strong enough to put her in her place every once in a while. He never did. He let her walk all over him.
I may feel crappy about this Eve thing right now, but one thing's for certain: I didn't let her walk all over me.
I think back to last year around this time. It is almost identical to now. Eve was off trying to jump-start some romance with someone else, and I was on my own, seeing other girls and trying to forget about Eve.
The only difference is that I don't have anyone to distract me at the moment. But last year was a great lesson for me, because my sexual renaissance in the summer of 2005 was preceded by two or three God-awfully lonely months of being miserable and wondering what Eve was doing.
I think I am at the end of this year's bad cycle, and if the past has taught me anything it's that I am now on threshold of something new and exciting.
*/*
The true test of my strength, of course, is whether or not I can be friends with her now that we are separate.
That means that if things don't work out with this new guy and she comes running to me for some comfort, I have to not give in.
That means that I need to find someone to get my mind off of her pronto. It doesn't have to be anything meaningful, and I wouldn't use it as an opportunity to show Eve up.
It all has to do with the simple fact that a man can get over any heartbreak if there is another option in front of him readily available.
Does that sound shallow? I'm sure it does. But what's the alternative? Staying miserable? Pining away for something that's never going to happen? You tell me.
Last year, if Monique had not gone off to Virginia, I would've made the break from Eve and I would've been able to be friends with her without worrying about our attraction to each other. That's because I would've had someone else to relieve me of my stress (and quite possibly cause me a whole new set of problems).
It didn't work out like that. By the time Laurie and Daniel renewed their wedding vows last year, the two of us found ourselves working it out in the bedroom.
No doubt I will be labeled as 'bitter' by anyone who reads this or anyone who brings it up to me... and believe me, people will bring it up. They always do. I can go through entire conversations without bringing her up (mainly because I write about her so much that nothing needs to be actually said) and usually it falls upon the other person, who may be running out of things to talk about and figures that they'll strike oil by bringing her up to me.
I mean, no one ever asks me, "So, James, have you been seeing anyone else since you and Eve called it quits?"
No, they never ask that. Instead, they ask, "So, how are things with Eve?"
Then it falls upon me to be the one to make distinctions. "We're just friends. I've been seeing someone else, though. She's real great, she's--"
"Yeah, it's too bad. I always thought you and Eve were perfect for each other."
A pause from me. Then, I usually say, "Sure. Why not? But that's history. Next week I have a date with--"
"If you see her, tell her I said 'hi', okay?"
That usually causes me to think to myself, Fuck that-- why don't you tell her yourself? Anyway, you're probably going to look her up now that you know we're not together...
But I don't say that. I just think it. Instead, I say something like, "That's if I do see her again. You'll probably see her before I do, and she'll probably be with her new dude..."
That usually causes the topic of conversation to change quickly.
*/*
Listening to Snoop Dogg's first album, Doggystyle, was a blast from the past. It's been 13 years since this delicious platter dropped, and I recently bought a CD version at a garage sale for a dollar. I have the album on vinyl but rarely play it, and I need music for the car.
Something that's funny (or not, depending on your view of misogynistic rap lyrics) throughout the album is Snoop's declaration that he "never loved a hoe". He'll fuck a hoe in a heartbeat, but he won't love her. Lots of gangsters and wannabe pimps adopt this strategy, claiming success.
I guess I'm the same. I don't love hoes either. I'll fuck them, but I don't love them.
But for me, "hoe" doesn't mean "whore" or "slut"-- it just means some girl who tied you over for a spell. These girls never give me problems. They never come around again, and they never look back.
Sometimes, when I'm in a poetic mood, I will write a tribute to them, but that's about it. Occasionally I run into them, and they are doing fine.
I recall the time spent with them fondly. But I never loved them.
I can't say the same about Eve. That's what makes all of this so intense.
But I'll say this: Looking back on the early posts in this blog, I was tortured by not knowing what was going on with her. And now, there's a full circle here. There's the closure I always wanted.
We were apart. We came back together. We had a rendezvous that was short but (mostly) sweet. She had issues, I had issues.
But we're friends again, and she isn't with Dick anymore.
That's all that matters. When it comes to love, you have to remember what really matters.
Otherwise, you'll lose sight of your goals, and you'll fuck up in a big way.
Some people thought I was fucking up by getting mixed up with her again, but they didn't know-- and they'll never know --what had to be done, nor will they ever understand.
When I made contact with Eve again, I expected to share some words and say a long goodbye. A year and a half later, the long goodbye has turned into a promise that we'll see each other every now and then.
Coupled with a new job and a new outlook on life, I can't see how this can be bad.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
my astrological forecast for june 2006
Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
Your June Horoscope by Susan Miller
This month, a long-standing relationship will become the center of your focus. It appears you are thinking most about one personal, romantic relationship but alternatively, you might be trying to work out a business relationship. It appears that certain realities can no longer be ignored, and that you will have to come up with a more realistic plan for the future.
You may be faced with one of two scenarios.
The most probable situation is that you have not been getting along with your partner over the past year, and no matter what you have done to work things out, it seems almost nothing has helped.
If you are still together this month, despite past problems, you may have more challenges on the way. Now that Mars will enter your seventh house for a seven-week stay, you are likely to be faced with quite a bit of criticism. Mars' job is to bring up hidden resentments and to create a deeper level of honesty between two people.
Actually, lots of people in your life will have "helpful hints" for you in June and July, and although this will be annoying, you may actually benefit from something that one person says to you that never occurred to you before.
If you still love your partner and you suspect your partner wants to continue the relationship too, you may both decide to go into counseling. Or, if you feel you've talked enough, this month you may decide to separate or break up entirely, most likely by the end of July.
Love and other relationships are always a see-saw, and only when the downside predominates for an extended period of time do we feel a need to act. For some that could be a trial separation, while for others, a complete breakup.
Still, perception can be changeable, so keep an open mind if you feel you have any hope of staying together. With Mars in your seventh house, all sorts of truths are likely to surface. When your partner does voice a long-held grievance, you may find yourself saying, "I had no idea you felt that way!"
In the other possible scenario, it could be that you have been getting along beautifully as a couple, but it might be that your partner may have been dealing with a very stressful life situation. For example, your partner could have lost her or his job, started a new business, or lost a beloved parent. Or, your partner may be in the process of a residential move or has had to battle a serious illness. Any of these types of problems would rate a "10" on the pressure scale. If this is how Saturn's presence has asserted itself, you will be called on to help support your partner in a meaningful way.
If you are worried about the health or wellbeing of your partner, it may take some time for your beloved to come out of the woods - you can expect September 2007 to be the time. After that date, you seem less concerned with this situation. Sometimes it is helpful to know the end point.
In fewer cases - but still possible - it may be YOU that has been facing a terribly difficult life problem, like one of the ones listed above, and that you find almost no support from your partner (or anyone else for that matter). Dear Aquarius, I truly hope this is not the case for you.
With Saturn in the same seventh house of partnership, any remedy you come up with will take time to work out. Saturn won't leave this part of your chart until September 2007.
However, if you have a January birthday or one that falls in very early February, you are due to get relationship relief soon. You are nearly halfway through your Saturn cycle, as Saturn first entered this house in July 2005 and will leave next year. Saturn is not intent on hurting your feelings but rather will bring life lessons through relationships. A close tie brings both privileges and obligations, and these days you are probably very mindful of that reality.
For some, the lesson is to give more, for others, to ask for more. We are taught to love and give freely, which is the right thing to do, but we also need to expect loving feelings back. If you feel you have not been treated the way you expected, you will encounter relationship problems sooner or later.
Things won't likely reach a critical stage for early-born Aquarius (those with January birthdays) until the end of next month. That's when you will announce a plan, on the new moon July 25 and the days that follow.
If you are single and have no close romantic relationship, nor any business alliance that might apply, you won't feel this trend that I just described.
In that case, let's look at YOUR romantic prospects now. If you are single, you have two exciting cosmic developments in June that could change your single status by helping you find that special someone you'd like to know better.
The first aspect actually already arrived late last month, May 27, the new moon in your fifth house of true love. If you had hoped to meet new romantic partners, that new moon would be your friend. A new moon will always bring two weeks of powerful energy.
If you are attached and want a baby, that new moon of May 27 will work to help you conceive. If you are serious about having a baby, have a talk with your partner and doctor (if you have been having problems). You will need to act very soon!
If you were you born on January 24, or within five days of this date, you will benefit through all the activities of that new moon that appeared on May 27.
The second upbeat development for all Aquarius in the love department will be the move of Venus into Gemini. This will be a fabulous placement for you, to extend from June 23 until July 18.
Gemini rules your solar fifth house of true love, so Venus will give you a kind of alluring charm that will allow you to draw others easily to you. Everything about Venus is always silky and smooth - unlike Mars, which is feisty and sometimes even belligerent - you will see that finding new people will suddenly become much easier! Of course, you will have to do your part! Look your very best and be out there! Gemini is the sign of twins, so you may find TWO new people to date, all at once!
The full moon on the weekend of June 10 - 11 will be a humdinger, for it will be quite social. It earns four stars from me! This weekend should put you in the center of many happy people with a very festive event. You might go to a wedding, graduation party, reunion, or other fabulous party. Or, you may visit an amusement park or baseball game.
Venus will be in fine form over that weekend, sending your ruler, Uranus, a happy missive on Saturday, June 10. Neptune will be in gorgeous angle to the Sun too, adding to the lyrical, poetic tone of the weekend. Look at the invitations you receive - if it is for June 10 or 11, it is a "must do!"
I should also add that the full moon technically falls on June 11, but you may feel the results as early as June 7 and as late as June 15.
If you were born on or within five days of February 9, you will benefit most from this full moon.
Your best date nights include June 10, 11, 12, 23, and 24.
It will also be very important to take good care of your health too, as Saturn is probably draining you of quite a bit of energy. Dear Aquarius, get as much sleep as you can! If necessary, see a doctor, as you may be anemic or simply in dire need of extra sleep. (This is a very common occurrence when Saturn is opposed to the Sun, which was operative in the second half of 2005 and all of 2006, and will be during most of 2007.)
While you are busy having your medical tests, you might want a bone scan too, as you may be suffering from too little calcium. The latter is fairly easy for your doctor to solve, if you should find this to be true for you. Finally, you should also check in with a dentist, as there could be problems with teeth. I know - I will stop! Enough about Saturn!
Financially, you may have a tough day coming on June 5, plus or minus one day. On that day, the Sun and Uranus will be at odds - it may cheer you to know just about everyone will have some sort of jolting news, in some area of their life, on this day. Yours will be purely financial.
Someone or something seems to cause a black hole to appear in your budget, and naturally, you won't be one bit happy about it. It's something you would not be able to protect yourself from, as it will come up unexpectedly. It's possible that you will need to spend far more than you intended on socializing or even on a dear little child. (If it's for your child, well, it probably will be worth it!)
A day that will counter this one will come one week later, on Monday, June 12. On this day Mercury and Uranus will work beautifully together, and that will add up to one amazing day for financial success. If you are self-employed, the phone is sure to ring off the hook for your services! Self-employed or not, this is a day that is likely to bring superb financial news.
It will be vital that you work quickly and efficiently this month. Keep two things in mind. First, Uranus, your ruler, is about to go retrograde on June 19, to stay in that mode five months, until November 20.
From June 19 onward, you will do best by centering your attention on projects and people you have already have in your life. After November 20, you can resume your pioneering efforts in new territory.
As humans, we usually like to hear about everything that is new, but with Uranus retrograde, the new areas aren't going to be where the golden nugget lies - it's in the associations and projects that lie in your past or present (but not future). Go back to old projects and polish them up. November 2006 will be your most exciting career month of the year, and the projects you are working on now will be examined closely then, when you are up for your big, prestigious new job! Do your best!
There is another reason to work quickly in the start of June and to have everything wrapped up and shipped out soon. Next month, Mercury will be retrograde from July 4 to 29, and that will create many slowdowns in July.
You will be confronted with indecisive people and many reasons to redo work you've already handed in, echoing a theme that Uranus will begin a little earlier, from June 19 onward. Still, you will have the time to make the project more viable and professional, and as said, everything you are doing is about to count for something big later in the year.
Home is also about to get a big boost. With Venus moving through your residential and property sector from the start of the month until June 23, you'll feel like making changes to make your space look more current and stylish.
Good idea - doing so will be great therapy while you work out relationship dilemmas going on in the background. Little improvements may make a big difference too: Your closet may need reorganization, or the walls a new coat of paint, or your bed may need to be upgraded with crisp new linens and new goose down pillows. Apply your decorating skills during the first ten days of June, when your ideas will be strongest.
Insofar as your career is concerned, you are still riding high! Indeed, this year is turning out to be one of your very best! Each month you become even more golden to higher ups, and you have batted one home run right after another!
This month, you have Jupiter, glittering at the very pinnacle point in your chart, filling your house of honors, awards, and achievement. Jupiter is the planet of good luck and happiness and will beam an important ray to Uranus, now in your house of earned income, and to Mercury, planet of news, now in your house of new work assignments. This sets up a gorgeous, lucky situation for you, for work assignments / money earned / and success and applause achieved will all be linked! You are about to wow the powers that be!
On top of this you have a new moon, June 25, so that's when the pace at the office will pick up quite a bit. All sorts of changes could take place - a new assignment, new recruits, or a move into a new office. Pay special attention to all that you do now, for you seem to have captured the eye of the big VIP or client, and you are being groomed for even more!
This same new moon, June 25, would be excellent for getting into better shape. Start your new workout routine on or just after June 25 and in the two weeks that follow that date. If you do, you'll have designed a routine that you'll enjoy for the rest of the year. It's exciting to see results, so ask your trainer for advice on a program that she feels will work best for you.
The month will end on a VERY happy note, thanks to a beam between good fortune planet Jupiter and the mighty Sun on Friday, June 30. Your creativity will be lauded on that day, or the day before that (June 29), and you'll rightly be proud of what develops. If you've been waiting for the green light on a proposal for a creative venture, this would be the day it would likely come through. You may get some amazing publicity, too! Expect the BEST!
Summary
A long-standing relationship seems to be a source of woe, but you appear to be quite determined to make it work nevertheless. While your loyalty is admirable, be sure the person you seem to be so focused on deserves your undying support.
Things may reach the height of frustration as you edge closer to mid-month and the meeting of Mars and Saturn on June 18. This relationship appears to be romantic in nature, but not necessarily so - it could be your agent, publicist, or other business partner / collaborator who is causing you angst. How you handle things will determine your relationship's future.
If you have no romantic or business partnership in your life, you may not feel the effects of what I have described this month in your report, but you will notice that most people will need to be convinced of the merits of whatever you are presenting - more so than usual. You may also be given more criticism, but try to take it all with the thought that maybe you will learn something you can use.
A big social event appears to be on your agenda over the weekend of the full moon, June 10 and 11 - it should be glorious! With Venus sending a wink to surprise-a-minute Uranus (the planet that rules your sign), you will have no trouble being the belle of the ball. The full moon will bring you in contact with many loving friends and allow you to enjoy a bit of luxurious pampering. Wear something you feel very good in, for all eyes will be on you. This event might be industry-oriented, but even so, while you raise your standing, you'll still have a lot of fun doing so!
You will also benefit from the tour of Venus through Gemini, in your house of fun and love from June 23 for approximately four weeks. It's a great time to go out and see what the world has to offer. If there is any sign that deserves to have a LOT more fun, it's YOU!
On June 23, your office life will beat to a quicker tempo. You may get a new assignment, or you may be approved to hire helpers. You may even get new computers or software to make your job easier. Something about your main working area appears to be improving. Do a good job because what you do will have "legs" to position you for an even better job in November.
Creatively you will hit a high point on June 29 or 30 when Jupiter and the Sun collaborate to help you turn out an idea or finished product that will get you much kudos.
As you see, while you are likely to see relationship turbulence this month, you also will have lots of good aspects working for you too, especially in the career realm. And although money may bring jarring news on June 5, it is likely to bring great news on June 12.
Keep moving forward, dear Aquarius. You are a true example of grace under pressure. You have inspired many people around you and you are becoming stronger with each passing day. All the work you are doing in your life now will add up to a happier life later.
Your June Horoscope by Susan Miller
This month, a long-standing relationship will become the center of your focus. It appears you are thinking most about one personal, romantic relationship but alternatively, you might be trying to work out a business relationship. It appears that certain realities can no longer be ignored, and that you will have to come up with a more realistic plan for the future.
You may be faced with one of two scenarios.
The most probable situation is that you have not been getting along with your partner over the past year, and no matter what you have done to work things out, it seems almost nothing has helped.
If you are still together this month, despite past problems, you may have more challenges on the way. Now that Mars will enter your seventh house for a seven-week stay, you are likely to be faced with quite a bit of criticism. Mars' job is to bring up hidden resentments and to create a deeper level of honesty between two people.
Actually, lots of people in your life will have "helpful hints" for you in June and July, and although this will be annoying, you may actually benefit from something that one person says to you that never occurred to you before.
If you still love your partner and you suspect your partner wants to continue the relationship too, you may both decide to go into counseling. Or, if you feel you've talked enough, this month you may decide to separate or break up entirely, most likely by the end of July.
Love and other relationships are always a see-saw, and only when the downside predominates for an extended period of time do we feel a need to act. For some that could be a trial separation, while for others, a complete breakup.
Still, perception can be changeable, so keep an open mind if you feel you have any hope of staying together. With Mars in your seventh house, all sorts of truths are likely to surface. When your partner does voice a long-held grievance, you may find yourself saying, "I had no idea you felt that way!"
In the other possible scenario, it could be that you have been getting along beautifully as a couple, but it might be that your partner may have been dealing with a very stressful life situation. For example, your partner could have lost her or his job, started a new business, or lost a beloved parent. Or, your partner may be in the process of a residential move or has had to battle a serious illness. Any of these types of problems would rate a "10" on the pressure scale. If this is how Saturn's presence has asserted itself, you will be called on to help support your partner in a meaningful way.
If you are worried about the health or wellbeing of your partner, it may take some time for your beloved to come out of the woods - you can expect September 2007 to be the time. After that date, you seem less concerned with this situation. Sometimes it is helpful to know the end point.
In fewer cases - but still possible - it may be YOU that has been facing a terribly difficult life problem, like one of the ones listed above, and that you find almost no support from your partner (or anyone else for that matter). Dear Aquarius, I truly hope this is not the case for you.
With Saturn in the same seventh house of partnership, any remedy you come up with will take time to work out. Saturn won't leave this part of your chart until September 2007.
However, if you have a January birthday or one that falls in very early February, you are due to get relationship relief soon. You are nearly halfway through your Saturn cycle, as Saturn first entered this house in July 2005 and will leave next year. Saturn is not intent on hurting your feelings but rather will bring life lessons through relationships. A close tie brings both privileges and obligations, and these days you are probably very mindful of that reality.
For some, the lesson is to give more, for others, to ask for more. We are taught to love and give freely, which is the right thing to do, but we also need to expect loving feelings back. If you feel you have not been treated the way you expected, you will encounter relationship problems sooner or later.
Things won't likely reach a critical stage for early-born Aquarius (those with January birthdays) until the end of next month. That's when you will announce a plan, on the new moon July 25 and the days that follow.
If you are single and have no close romantic relationship, nor any business alliance that might apply, you won't feel this trend that I just described.
In that case, let's look at YOUR romantic prospects now. If you are single, you have two exciting cosmic developments in June that could change your single status by helping you find that special someone you'd like to know better.
The first aspect actually already arrived late last month, May 27, the new moon in your fifth house of true love. If you had hoped to meet new romantic partners, that new moon would be your friend. A new moon will always bring two weeks of powerful energy.
If you are attached and want a baby, that new moon of May 27 will work to help you conceive. If you are serious about having a baby, have a talk with your partner and doctor (if you have been having problems). You will need to act very soon!
If you were you born on January 24, or within five days of this date, you will benefit through all the activities of that new moon that appeared on May 27.
The second upbeat development for all Aquarius in the love department will be the move of Venus into Gemini. This will be a fabulous placement for you, to extend from June 23 until July 18.
Gemini rules your solar fifth house of true love, so Venus will give you a kind of alluring charm that will allow you to draw others easily to you. Everything about Venus is always silky and smooth - unlike Mars, which is feisty and sometimes even belligerent - you will see that finding new people will suddenly become much easier! Of course, you will have to do your part! Look your very best and be out there! Gemini is the sign of twins, so you may find TWO new people to date, all at once!
The full moon on the weekend of June 10 - 11 will be a humdinger, for it will be quite social. It earns four stars from me! This weekend should put you in the center of many happy people with a very festive event. You might go to a wedding, graduation party, reunion, or other fabulous party. Or, you may visit an amusement park or baseball game.
Venus will be in fine form over that weekend, sending your ruler, Uranus, a happy missive on Saturday, June 10. Neptune will be in gorgeous angle to the Sun too, adding to the lyrical, poetic tone of the weekend. Look at the invitations you receive - if it is for June 10 or 11, it is a "must do!"
I should also add that the full moon technically falls on June 11, but you may feel the results as early as June 7 and as late as June 15.
If you were born on or within five days of February 9, you will benefit most from this full moon.
Your best date nights include June 10, 11, 12, 23, and 24.
It will also be very important to take good care of your health too, as Saturn is probably draining you of quite a bit of energy. Dear Aquarius, get as much sleep as you can! If necessary, see a doctor, as you may be anemic or simply in dire need of extra sleep. (This is a very common occurrence when Saturn is opposed to the Sun, which was operative in the second half of 2005 and all of 2006, and will be during most of 2007.)
While you are busy having your medical tests, you might want a bone scan too, as you may be suffering from too little calcium. The latter is fairly easy for your doctor to solve, if you should find this to be true for you. Finally, you should also check in with a dentist, as there could be problems with teeth. I know - I will stop! Enough about Saturn!
Financially, you may have a tough day coming on June 5, plus or minus one day. On that day, the Sun and Uranus will be at odds - it may cheer you to know just about everyone will have some sort of jolting news, in some area of their life, on this day. Yours will be purely financial.
Someone or something seems to cause a black hole to appear in your budget, and naturally, you won't be one bit happy about it. It's something you would not be able to protect yourself from, as it will come up unexpectedly. It's possible that you will need to spend far more than you intended on socializing or even on a dear little child. (If it's for your child, well, it probably will be worth it!)
A day that will counter this one will come one week later, on Monday, June 12. On this day Mercury and Uranus will work beautifully together, and that will add up to one amazing day for financial success. If you are self-employed, the phone is sure to ring off the hook for your services! Self-employed or not, this is a day that is likely to bring superb financial news.
It will be vital that you work quickly and efficiently this month. Keep two things in mind. First, Uranus, your ruler, is about to go retrograde on June 19, to stay in that mode five months, until November 20.
From June 19 onward, you will do best by centering your attention on projects and people you have already have in your life. After November 20, you can resume your pioneering efforts in new territory.
As humans, we usually like to hear about everything that is new, but with Uranus retrograde, the new areas aren't going to be where the golden nugget lies - it's in the associations and projects that lie in your past or present (but not future). Go back to old projects and polish them up. November 2006 will be your most exciting career month of the year, and the projects you are working on now will be examined closely then, when you are up for your big, prestigious new job! Do your best!
There is another reason to work quickly in the start of June and to have everything wrapped up and shipped out soon. Next month, Mercury will be retrograde from July 4 to 29, and that will create many slowdowns in July.
You will be confronted with indecisive people and many reasons to redo work you've already handed in, echoing a theme that Uranus will begin a little earlier, from June 19 onward. Still, you will have the time to make the project more viable and professional, and as said, everything you are doing is about to count for something big later in the year.
Home is also about to get a big boost. With Venus moving through your residential and property sector from the start of the month until June 23, you'll feel like making changes to make your space look more current and stylish.
Good idea - doing so will be great therapy while you work out relationship dilemmas going on in the background. Little improvements may make a big difference too: Your closet may need reorganization, or the walls a new coat of paint, or your bed may need to be upgraded with crisp new linens and new goose down pillows. Apply your decorating skills during the first ten days of June, when your ideas will be strongest.
Insofar as your career is concerned, you are still riding high! Indeed, this year is turning out to be one of your very best! Each month you become even more golden to higher ups, and you have batted one home run right after another!
This month, you have Jupiter, glittering at the very pinnacle point in your chart, filling your house of honors, awards, and achievement. Jupiter is the planet of good luck and happiness and will beam an important ray to Uranus, now in your house of earned income, and to Mercury, planet of news, now in your house of new work assignments. This sets up a gorgeous, lucky situation for you, for work assignments / money earned / and success and applause achieved will all be linked! You are about to wow the powers that be!
On top of this you have a new moon, June 25, so that's when the pace at the office will pick up quite a bit. All sorts of changes could take place - a new assignment, new recruits, or a move into a new office. Pay special attention to all that you do now, for you seem to have captured the eye of the big VIP or client, and you are being groomed for even more!
This same new moon, June 25, would be excellent for getting into better shape. Start your new workout routine on or just after June 25 and in the two weeks that follow that date. If you do, you'll have designed a routine that you'll enjoy for the rest of the year. It's exciting to see results, so ask your trainer for advice on a program that she feels will work best for you.
The month will end on a VERY happy note, thanks to a beam between good fortune planet Jupiter and the mighty Sun on Friday, June 30. Your creativity will be lauded on that day, or the day before that (June 29), and you'll rightly be proud of what develops. If you've been waiting for the green light on a proposal for a creative venture, this would be the day it would likely come through. You may get some amazing publicity, too! Expect the BEST!
Summary
A long-standing relationship seems to be a source of woe, but you appear to be quite determined to make it work nevertheless. While your loyalty is admirable, be sure the person you seem to be so focused on deserves your undying support.
Things may reach the height of frustration as you edge closer to mid-month and the meeting of Mars and Saturn on June 18. This relationship appears to be romantic in nature, but not necessarily so - it could be your agent, publicist, or other business partner / collaborator who is causing you angst. How you handle things will determine your relationship's future.
If you have no romantic or business partnership in your life, you may not feel the effects of what I have described this month in your report, but you will notice that most people will need to be convinced of the merits of whatever you are presenting - more so than usual. You may also be given more criticism, but try to take it all with the thought that maybe you will learn something you can use.
A big social event appears to be on your agenda over the weekend of the full moon, June 10 and 11 - it should be glorious! With Venus sending a wink to surprise-a-minute Uranus (the planet that rules your sign), you will have no trouble being the belle of the ball. The full moon will bring you in contact with many loving friends and allow you to enjoy a bit of luxurious pampering. Wear something you feel very good in, for all eyes will be on you. This event might be industry-oriented, but even so, while you raise your standing, you'll still have a lot of fun doing so!
You will also benefit from the tour of Venus through Gemini, in your house of fun and love from June 23 for approximately four weeks. It's a great time to go out and see what the world has to offer. If there is any sign that deserves to have a LOT more fun, it's YOU!
On June 23, your office life will beat to a quicker tempo. You may get a new assignment, or you may be approved to hire helpers. You may even get new computers or software to make your job easier. Something about your main working area appears to be improving. Do a good job because what you do will have "legs" to position you for an even better job in November.
Creatively you will hit a high point on June 29 or 30 when Jupiter and the Sun collaborate to help you turn out an idea or finished product that will get you much kudos.
As you see, while you are likely to see relationship turbulence this month, you also will have lots of good aspects working for you too, especially in the career realm. And although money may bring jarring news on June 5, it is likely to bring great news on June 12.
Keep moving forward, dear Aquarius. You are a true example of grace under pressure. You have inspired many people around you and you are becoming stronger with each passing day. All the work you are doing in your life now will add up to a happier life later.
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