THE BEST DEFENSE

I sat there, in the Garage, retouching more scenes for the animation. A few feet away, a sculptor named Travis was carving a UFO out of styrofoam. Various hangers-on and associates filled the Garage, some staying after arriving, some leaving after having stayed a while.

Eve walked in and sat down with me. Immediately she wanted to get going. I put her on the PC, and watched her work. She was picking up the program functions rapidly. You don't need to be an artist to learn Photoshop, but it helps.

There were times when my guard slipped-- a shared laugh, a sly glance, the accidental touching of hands, things of that nature. Every time I felt my wall being deconstructed, I put it right back up. This is business, after all.

I think I was doing all right, keeping the focus on creative work. We were concentrating on something other than ourselves. Eve took notes, added suggestions, watched me as I plotted ways to get the effects I wanted.

At one point, she alluded to how things were hectic in her life. Being naturally inquisitive, I started asking questions. "How was work?" "How's your brother doing?" After a while I stopped asking questions-- I could get started on a roll, and I don't think I am ready to get into all of that with her.

She said that she appreciated having a place to go, where she can lose herself in art and not have to think about the various dramas in her life. I thought better of asking anything further. Instead, I showed her how to crop jpegs and how to use the Paint Bucket feature.

She made a reference to her high school prom. I had to remind her that I saw her that night-- she showed up with her brother, dressed outrageously in Victorian garb, her hair a Medusa-like web of curls and magenta locks. I was at Sharky's at the time, sort of living there for the summer, in between apartments.

I mentioned Sharky's name-- she didn't say anything. I changed the subject. I didn't intend to bring him up, but I didn't elaborate on anything either. I wasn't looking to start a fight. At this point, I don't care if she ever tells me anything about herself, past or present. It only serves to complicate things.

Travis finished the foam model, and Eve and I marvelled at his artistry. Travis left with a smile on his face, a beer in his gut, some pot smoke in his brain, and a cigarette dangling from his lips.

Ellen showed up, asking me if I'd seen Peter, who had promised her a CD filled with music software. Eve and Ellen know each other by proxy-- one of Ellen's friends is part of the cast of the TV pilot Eve is working on... small world, eh?

We had a blast, working on the retouches. I let her work some magic, then came back and brainstormed some ideas. She drew a homicidal dentist that we might make into a character for a future episode. I liked it. She asked me if I was just paying her lip service, and I reminded her that I never pull punches when it comes to being honest about artistic matters.

It feels good to know that we are friends again. Having a creative project to collaborate on puts us both at ease. We can be in the same room together, and share the warm vibe, without getting carried away. Our chemistry is obvious, but unacknowledged.

I mean, it beats not knowing where she is and what she is doing. Even though I don't want to get too deep, I feel a slight relief knowing that she is there, and that I can still talk to her about things like how to draw shadows or what colors would look best on a character.

I felt pangs of jealousy when some of the guys who frequent the Garage made their obligatory overtures. Some of these guys will hit on anything with breasts. In Eve's case, being as attractive as she is, I almost expect it to happen as soon as she walks in the door. She can't help it.

Baby Bird (so named because he expects to be fed by Paulie every time he comes through) made a clumsy introduction, walking over to me to say 'goodbye' and then looking at Eve and saying, "Goodbye, pretty computer girl."

"Nice to meet you," she said.

"Actually, we haven't been introduced."

I rolled my eyes. I can't help it. I'm not worried about a guy like Baby Bird making moves, though. However, if he asked her out on a date, I really couldn't get upset either.

I still don't know what's up with Eve and her previous dude, and I'm not asking, but I think it's safe to say that she is no longer with him. He never let her do anything that she wanted to do, and she kowtowed to his whims because she felt like she had to. I don't think that guy would be happy knowing that his girl was spending hours at the Garage with her ex-boyfriend. So, by deductive reasoning, I conclude that she is single again.

And, if she meets some guy and falls for him, I guess she is able to do that. And there wouldn't be anything I could do to stop her from doing that. So I guess I have to come to terms with that possibility. It makes no sense to pretend that it isn't possible.

I'm a fool, of course, so if it got down to that, if she met some guy and fell head over heels and ran off with him, I guess I would have to be able to handle that. And as long as I keep myself on the right track-- not getting too personal, not assuming that things will be kosher --I can avoid the inevitable hurt that would accompany such a decision on her part.

This is tougher than I ever thought it would be.

Luckily, it was Paulie's birthday, and I was able to use that as a way to distract myself from any emotions that stirred in me while sitting there with Eve, working on dirty cartoons.

Around midnight, she got up to leave. I said 'goodbye' and told her to be safe. It wasn't what I wanted to say, but what I want to say doesn't make anything better. What I want to say would only make things worse.

Actually, I don't even know what I want to say. I just have this feeling that I should be saying something. But since I have no idea what it is, I guess keeping my big mouth shut is the best defense.

I just want to cut through all of the bullshit, but I'm afraid of what will happen if I force the issue. I'd rather wade forever through the formalities, if it means that I don't have to expose my vulnerable side again. I'm just not strong enough to handle that right now, and I suspect that she is in the same boat.

I just want to do the right thing. I just want her to know that I care, but I also don't want to run her off or scare her away or smother her with suffocating attentiveness. It's just going to have to be this way, for a while, until something comes along to sway or tilt the balance.

Ladies, I have a question: if you have ever reconnected with an ex-boyfriend, what was the most awkward thing about the experience? Did the guy come off as too desperate? Too aloof? Did he remind you of all the reasons why you broke up with him? Or did he bring back sweet memories of happier times?

Is it possible to be friends with someone you once loved?

I need to know, because right now I'm not sure if I can do it.