LIKE SO MANY OF US

This post is NOT about my latest crush, just so you know.

This post is all about Eve.

Eve, The Recurring Nightmare.

Eve, The Unfulfilled Dream.

Eve, The One That Got Away.

Eve, my self-inflicted torture...

I got sick of being angry about it. I got tired of the energy I was putting into holding a grudge. I just wanted to stop thinking about her.

Everywhere I turned, there were signs of her in the midst, in the wings, and inside of me. I have tried to run away and move on with my life, but a spectre always lingers out of the corners of my eyes.

I've been trying to hold out, to not be the one to make the call. I wanted her to call me, so that I could vent all of my anger and chew her out for good, the way she deserves to be chewed out.

But that wasn't going to happen. For all of her facile strength, inside she is scared, scared like so many of us.

Of course, I have no fear of confrontation.

So I called her... which was harder than I thought it would be.

I rehearsed what I was going to say, but it kept coming out wrong. I felt like I was being weak, like I was caving in. I felt like I was losing this imaginary battle between us.

But I did have a good excuse for calling. I was going to invite her to be a part of the animation project. Eve is a very talented artist, and through the gossip grapevine I have learned that she is pursuing the arts again. Acting, drawing, painting, those sorts of things. But even as I learned these things slowly, I still had my reservations.

If I saw her in public, I turned around and walked away. If her name was mentioned in conversations with friends, I built a wall around me. But I was not really dealing with the fact that it still affected me.

What did I want out of her anyway? An apology? A second chance? An opportunity to make her feel small? Revenge? Justice? Tribute?

I used my detective skills a while back and found out where she is working. A dentist's office, just like when I last spoke to her at the end of 1999. But a different dentist this time. I drove by once, and lo and behold she was standing right outside, smoking a cigarette. She didn't see me driving by-- I'm invisible like that.

We were on good terms at the start of 1999. She even hooked me up for some free dental work. But she wouldn't listen to me when I tried to persuade her to give acting another shot. She was scared, like so many of us.

Now she seems to have shed that particular fear.

Then I found out The Truth, about her and Sharky and all the supporting characters who conspired (if I may use the word in another context) to spare my feelings by lying to me.

The last message I left to her was menacing. "When I get back from New York, you and I have some things to talk about." We never had that talk.

But has my unresolved anger helped me any in the past four years? No.

It hasn't.

So I called her at work.

She picked up the phone-- she's the receptionist.

"Dr. _______'s office."

I knew her voice but I wanted to be sure. "Yes, I'd like to speak with Eve Pond."

"This is Eve Pond."

"Hi. It's James."

"James?" She ruffled through some papers-- must've thought I was a patient.

I told her my full name. She gasped.

"Hello."

"Hi."

"Uh, can you call back around noon?"

"Sure."

"I'll be better equipped to handle it then..."

"You got it."

I know it was shitty of me to call her at work, but at least I broke the ice. She sounded surprised. We Aquarians-- so unpredictable. You never know what we're going to do next, or where we'll pop up.

I felt a little better about being slightly nervous. She sounded absolutely shocked to hear it was me. I didn't sense any malice-- that's because I'm the one who's mad at her, not the other way around.

And yet, here I am, making the first contact... I'm not fearless, I'm just too stupid to know any better.

I ended my shift and drove home. I tried to stay awake until noon, but I fell asleep. I woke up around 2pm, groggy and half-alive. I called the dentist's office again. A message machine. Was she screening her calls, or just hard at work? A smoke break, maybe?

I left a message apologizing for not calling at noon, along with my home number.

I went back to sleep. Around 4:30 my cat Otis woke me up by sitting on my head. Bastard.

I called again. She picked up.

"Eve?"

"Yes?"

"It's James."

"Can I put you on hold?"

The Runaround. I felt like I was getting the Runaround. She had me on hold for ten minutes. I held out-- I wasn't going to let this sway me. I'd already made the effort, might as well ride the tide to shore...

Finally, she picked up my line.

"James, I'm sorry-- I'm getting slammed here at work. Can I call you later? I have your number."

"Yes, you can. And by the way: the reason why I'm calling is business."

"Business?"

"Yes. It has to do with animation. You're still drawing, right?"

"Yes."

"Good. Call Paulie, he may be able to give you more details, if I don't get a chance to talk to you about it."

"Okay."

"I just thought I'd let you know, in case you were wondering why I've decided to call after--"

"Four years," she said.

"Yes, four years." I thought it was closer to five, but I didn't want to split any hairs at that moment.

"I'll call you later."

And she did, from her mother's house. But by that time I was out the door. I went to the Garage, to start the post-production notes. One of the prospective writers saw the finished rough master and thought we should shoot for feature-length financing. Paulie and Peter almost got into a brother-to-brother brawl. Tensions were high.

I felt relieved for making that phone call. I felt like a great weight was lifted. I had so much hatred saved up for the day when I would finally get my chance to tell her off, and instead I was offering an olive branch, a white flag.

I'm such a fucking hippie that it's sickening.

When I got into work a few hours ago, I checked my voice mail. She called about an hour after I left my place. She called fifteen minutes after that, to apologize for keeping me on hold earlier. Perhaps she thought I was toying with her, screening my phone calls and contemplating whether I should even give her the time of day.

I just called her office a few minutes ago. Yeah, I know, there's nobody there at this time of the morning-- that's the point. I left a message, explaining that I work nights and that she should try to get at me later on around noon.

So what's the point of all of this?

Why am I writing about this tired-ass drama?

Because it's an important step for me. I don't want to hate her anymore. I'm done with that. I loved her for a long time, and then I hated her for an even longer time. And now, I just want her to occupy a normal space in my soul. By holding this petty grudge, I keep the pain and the heartache alive.

It's time to bury the hatchet, right?

Yes, it is.

I mean, I'm not going to shake her by erasing her from my mind. Isn't that what that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind movie is all about? I still haven't seen it-- maybe I'll rent it later this week.

So I didn't get to give her the Big Send-off. So I didn't get my revenge, my payback. So I didn't nail her to the wall by bringing up our dirty, shared past.

So what?

It doesn't matter anymore. It just doesn't.

We don't have to be lovers again, but it's a shame that we can't even be friends. Hey, I managed to forgive Sharky, why not Eve?

Well, because she and I were once in love, that's why.

All the things that could've been, all the plans we made, all the hopes we shared... the moments themselves are gone, and the memories are all I have.

Before I made the call, I felt like I was taking a colossal step backward in my progress, but now I see that it is in fact a step forward, a breakthrough, if you will.

We're playing Phone Tag for now-- gotta let her catch her bearings. I caught her so off-guard that I am impressed with myself. I mean, I really outdid myself this time. The only thing that would've topped it would've been my plan from a month ago, when I discovered where she works: I was going to walk right into the office to set up an appointment with the dentist.

I scrapped that one, but a part of me wishes that I had done it. Man, the look on her face would've been priceless. I could've brought my DV camera with me to capture the moment on tape.

Well, at least the initial awkwardness is out of the way. I don't know where all of this is going, but I have a feeling that it'll help me with my latest crush. I won't be so distrusting, so suspicious of affection now. I needed to exorcise this demon, for my own sanity.

You know, I fall in love as often as some people rotate the tires on their car, and so whomever I consider the new apple of my eye is never as interesting as the ones who made a deep, lasting impression on me. Girls will come and girls will go, but some take up a residency in your heart and never leave.

It's time to ball up all that anger and let it go. It's a scary thing to do, but I have to deal with it, just like so many of us.