CARICATURES

Everyone who reads this, by now, knows that I draw cartoons. I am not a realistic artist, nor am I formally trained. I pick up a pencil or a pen, and I draw.

Whatever comes out is whatever comes out. I don't plan things out. I don't intend to draw anything, ever. Lately, I've been having to draw things on command, thanks to the animation process. Other than that, there is no evidence that I have any discipline when it comes to my art.

I have a knack for drawing caricatures of people. My best caricatures are done when I am sufficiently familiar with somebody-- I have more than just visual data to work with, in other words. It's easier to draw them when I am not in the same room as them. Their personality, the way they carry themselves, any quirks or tics they may possess-- all of these ingredients are an active part of the caricature recipe, and they come to life through memory.

I am a savage caricaturist. I spare no one. If you have a big nose, then my drawings will amplify your nose to ten times the size. If you have bad skin, I will draw you with a face like a pizza. If you have bad teeth, I will make you look like a jack o'lantern.

And what's worse is: you won't like how I've drawn you. You will even say that it looks nothing like you. But everyone else will agree that I captured your essence, and you will hate me for that.

Please-- never ask me to draw you. Unless you have a GREAT sense of humor about yourself, you shouldn't ask me to draw you.

In my experience, I've found that NO ONE has a great sense of humor about themselves. Either that, or my caricatures are so mean-spirited and lacerating that I can make even the most self-assured, self-effacing person hate themselves. I've done it before-- never on purpose, mind you... I was always asked if I could draw the picture, and I was always burned at the stake for something that is akin to automatic writing-- call it "automatic drawing" for now.

If you are physically beautiful to behold, I'll capture that-- but if you have a corrupted soul underneath, I'll capture that as well. I don't even try-- it just happens.

Let me temper this braggadoccio with some humility: sometimes, my drawings suck. They might look nothing like the subject. They may be bland and non-threatening. Those are the times when I am holding back, when I am playing nice, when I am afraid to offend someone by drawing them as a hideous monster. I see the look on people's faces when they see one of my sucky doodles... they look disappointed, as if they fully expected me to transform them into distorted, grotesque creatures.

So I don't know what's worse: drawing to the best of my ability and making people mad, or drawing on a superficial level and leaving people cold.

My friends and colleagues seem to understand. They are flattered when I draw them. The freakier the better, so say the people in my inner circle. They are not afraid of what I possess. I am more afraid than they are. I simply cannot understand what it is about my brain that produces such consistently outrageous work.

I suppose I should be drawing examples, but I'm not going to do that. Barely anyone reads this anymore, because my words have offended my readers, almost in the same manner that my drawings alienate those around me. However, if this blog were about nothing but caricatures, my readership would go up... so long as I didn't attempt to draw anyone I knew.

I could never draw pretty flowers and puppy dogs. I always drew skulls and fists and big-breasted harlots and strange-looking beings and violent scenes. My id is ever-present in my drawings, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I am shitty inside. I am crazy and fucked-up and even a tad evil. If a psychoanalyst looked at my sktechbooks, they would be fascinated to no end at the level of disturbing imagery. I am not well-- I am sick in many ways.

I guess that explains why I am so good at pissing people off. I am able to locate the weak parts of a person's projected image and render it silly, absurd, completely ridiculous. This does not help you win over friends-- in fact, it works to keep your friends at bay, if anything.

I guess I'll never learn. But if I should happen to learn, someday, the lessons I need to learn, I think I'll still be drawing hateful and vile representations of my inner person. It's just there, it's a part of me, as surely as a disease is a part of somebody after a while.

That's all I got right now-- what's it to you?