WAITING FOR A FIX

"Hello, this is Eve's cel phone. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks."

BEEEP!

"Eve, this is James. Just lettin' you know I ain't goin' over to the Garage today. It's raining too hard. Plus, we don't have any retouches to do right now. So anyway-- oh wait, I got another call. Talk to you later."

CLICK!

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Eve. I literally just left a message for you on your phone."

"Right on. I just saw your number and thought I missed your call. What's up?"

"Nada mucho. As you can probably tell, I'm not stepping one foot outside right now."

"I know-- it's pouring. I'm leaving Trader Joe's as we speak. It's like buckets."

"Well, drive safe. Anyway, yeah, so you have your therapy session, and I've got to rehearse with Funkin Pie, and there's no need to go to the Garage today. Tomorrow, we can hit it up, but for today-- it's best to give it a rest."

"Sure. That'll do."

"How was work?"

"Work was work. Did you get any sleep?"

"More than my share. I'm well-rested right now. Gotta keep sharp for tonight. Man, just playing music wears me out. It's great exercise, considering that I don't get any."

"Sitting in front of a computer all day can do that to you. Believe me, I know-- the dentist's office leaves me chained to the desk."

"Yeah, the bands keep me busy. I was in two last year, and I was even jamming with Chaleptimos for a while. You remember him, don't you?"

"Oh yeah... he smelled bad."

"Yeah, he didn't shower much."

"I just remember going to a toga party at his sister's house. Nothing but lesbians there."

"Is that right? When was this?"

"High school. End of high school, I think."

"Yeah, she used to have a crush on me. She was too young though. I met her when she was 13 or 14, and I was 17. She had Ozzy posters on one wall of her room, and Garfield posters on the opposite wall."

"Yeah, she was quite a character."

"But back to this teen lesbian toga party... so, what happened?"

(laughs) "Nothing happened."

"Sure. Nothing happened. Whatever you say."

"Stop being perverted."

"Was it like a slumber party? Did you play Truth or Dare?"

"It was innocent."

"Did you and Chaleptimos' sister have any... um, accidental experiences?"

"I'm changing the subject."

"But we were just getting started..."

"That year was pretty trippy for me. A lot of people I knew died that year."

"No one really died in my class. Then again, I went to school with a bunch of squares. Young Republicans and washed-out hippies. None of them had any balls. The underclasses had their share of dramas, or so I've heard."

"Yes, there was plenty of drama going around. One girl got decapitated in a car while she was on acid and speed. Her boyfriend was driving-- nothing happened to him. He went to prison for, like, life."

"Sad."

"Very sad."

"When I go back to the old neighborhood, I hear about people I grew up with dying... but not with my schoolmates. Except for one girl, who died of a disease. Other than that, no shocking news, really."

"I guess that's good."

"So anyway, when you were at that toga party, what were you wearing underneath?"

(laughs) "Stop it."

"Sorry. I can't help but ask."

"Let me call you back in five minutes. I just got home."

"I'll be here."


FIVE MINUTES LATER...


"Sorry about that. Had to put the groceries away."

"It's all good."

"Cel phones are handy, aren't they?"

"I hate 'em. I had one for a year, and it helped me out when I was job-hunting... but it got old quick. I owe, like, $300 on my last bill. But I keep the land line handy."

"I need to get a land line. I'm already over by 500 minutes."

"Oh shit! Not good."

"No, it's not. I just have to call the phone company. Then I don't have to worry, and I can talk to you for hours."

"Do it. It'll save you in the long run. Those cel companies can be bastards."

"I had a bill once, and I kept finding all these extra rip-off charges on it the whole way through. I must've tallied up to $200 in false charges. I made them take it off of my bill."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, it does... but it's not as bad as finding certain numbers on the bill, numbers that I didn't know about."

"Whose numbers?"

"Well... I found out Dick was calling this girl, Kelly. He must've called her and spoke to her for a grand total of three hours. I asked him about it, and he said it was nothing. But I started to keep track of the calls and what times they were made. I found out he was calling her when I wasn't around."

"Ouch."

"One time, at The Cheesecake Factory, I went to use the bathroom... and he called her when I was gone! Can you believe that?"

"Honestly? Yes, I can."

"What a dick... Well, needless to say, that was the beginning of the end. After that it all went downhill. That was a year ago."

"I see."

"I just hate that he lied to me. He didn't have to be such a pussy about it. He lied to me, and tried to convince me that I was nuts. But I knew. I gave him chances. I asked him to get over it, but he couldn't."

"Yeah... that sucks, being lied to. I know all about it. That's my biggest gripe in the whole world-- being lied to. After the whole thing with my family... I mean, I've never been the same. You know, long before I ever met you, I was a really different person."

"How so?"

"I was pretty conservative. I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer. I had my whole life mapped out-- get a job, get a car, go to college, become a professional something, get the wife, the kids, the Volvo, the house in the suburbs... then I found out that I was living in a world of lies."

"You woke up."

"I was awakened. I fell out of The Matrix." (laughs)

"And you decided to become an artist."

"It was my only way to cope. Always has been. Even when I was trying to be the conformist, I knew that underneath it all was an artistic soul that wanted some recognition for his talents. But I didn't really focus on them until the divorce. Who knows what I'd be like, if my parents hadn't split up?"

"I don't know... scary to think of you in a suit, with a briefcase and all."

"You're telling me."

"I always thought you would've made a good lawyer. Or a teacher."

"Yeah, well... I like what I am now. It's better. I had to go through a lot to get to this point. I don't ever think it will be normal for me. Everybody else is destined for that crap, and that's fine-- for them. But me... I don't think I'll get married and have kids."

"Same here. Dick wanted to marry me. I kept saying no."

"Why?"

"Because, I didn't want to get married. I know, we spent nine years together..."

"Yeah, you're like common-law married."

"Yeah, well... He wouldn't get his shit together. His family kept badgering me about it. They wanted me to marry him. He wanted to marry me. I told him he needed to get better. He never did."

"Too bad. It's such a tempting idea. But I have issues, and they need to be resolved before I ever even think about bringing a kid into the equation, let alone having a monogamous relationship. I mean, I can do it. I just haven't met anyone who would make me want to stay. My last steady girlfriend, Jeanie-- I could've stayed with her, just for the sex. I know, it sounds shallow..."

"No, not really. I mean, in a way it is, but you're not the only one."

"What I mean, though, is that I thought about it. I thought that all I needed was to get laid every day and that would be fine. But there's more to it than that. I don't know any guys who are truly in love with their girls, with the exception of Paulie and Nona. They seem genuinely in love. Everyone else in there for the sex."

"That can go a long way."

"But not that far."

"No, not that far. But that's why I was with Dick-- he had a really huge cock, I must admit."

"I suppose that makes a difference."

"It did."

"But there must've been something else, right? I mean, that's all you two had in common?"

"That's it... well, I did like the feeling of waking up next to someone..."

"I hear that a lot, especially from girls. Flora, remember her? She told me that, three years into her marriage."

"How is she, by the way?"

"She divorced Fred. She left him a few days before 9/11. I know, because she called me and stayed with me for a day or two. I thought that the tragedy of 9/11 would send her back into his arms. Nope-- she was outta there. She'd had enough. I guess financial security and waking up next to someone didn't replace her basic needs. Eight years, gone. And I was totally against her getting married in the first place-- I almost didn't go to the ceremony. All my friends convinced me to go, and when I went I decided that I would be supportive, no matter what. Imagine how dumb I felt when she changed her tack."

"What about how she felt? Isn't that important?"

"That's my problem-- I can't put myself in her shoes. I lack empathy sometimes. You know me-- I have emotional problems."

"You can't tell people how to live, James."

"Oh, but I wish I could."

"Live and let live."

"I know... I just can't understand why people forfeit their own identities for other people. No one wants to be themselves-- they want to be part of another person. How sick is that?"

"I see what you mean."

"Back to what I was saying before... With Jeanie, I realized that it all came down to one thing: Was the good sex enough to keep me with her? I took a long cold hard look at us, and one day she was with her friends, talking and drinking. She was a bit of a lush. I'm a pothead, yeah, but she was a mean drunk. Anyway, she starts talking to her friends like I'm not there, and they're all talking about scanless shit they pulled. Jeanie ends up telling me how she fucked the fiancee of her best friend a day before their wedding."

"Nooooo..."

"Oh yeah. And when I asked her if she ever told her best friend about this indiscretion, she said, 'No, that would be hurtful to her!'"

"Oh my God..."

"That's when I knew we were through."

"Don't blame you."

"I would've been getting laid all the time, but at what price? I didn't trust her, I thought she would end up breaking my heart. So I called it all off, and she still hates me to this day. I try to keep my exes happy, but she wants nothing to do with me."

"You're probably better off."

"Probably? Try 'definitely!' But that's me-- I can't stand being lied to. I can understand why she did it-- young and stupid, the usual crap. And I could've forgiven her for that. I could've overlooked that. But she didn't seem to learn anything from it. It was a story to tell her friends, not a lesson to grow on. And I see it all the time-- guys who are in these loveless relationships, but they stick around because they're afraid that they can't get anyone better. Mikey, the guitarist from my last band, he used to brag about his girlfriend, but all he would talk about was how dirty she was in bed. She indulged his nastiest fantasies. One time he told all of us how she sucked his dick while he was taking a shit. After that, every time I saw her all I could think about was how she sucked his dick while he was taking a shit. And even though she is a nice girl, he did her no favors by painting her as a dirty slut behind her back. I mean... is that respect?"

"No, it's not."

"You're damn right it isn't!"

(laughs) "You sound so outraged!"

"I am. I was. Plus, I'm just too fucked in the head. About three or four years ago, I finally had a revelation about myself. I figured out that I was still chasing after Sophie."

"Who's Sophie?"

"She was my next-door neighbor when we were kids. She was my first love. We grew older but we also grew apart, and when the divorce happened I never saw her again. I was too ashamed to talk to her after that, and when we moved away I never said goodbye to her. And I guess I repressed her memory inside of me, but after that every relationship I was in was a half-assed attempt to rekindle that spark that I shared with Sophie. It didn't hit me full circle until I started dating Jeanie-- she was my next-door neighboor in Sherman Oaks. I realized that I was still looking for the girl next door, and I never found her again. I found you online easy, but Sophie is the one who got away."

"Wow, I never knew that."

"Neither did I. And now I'm dealing with it. I'm trying, Eve. I'm trying to let people live their lives. I'm trying to diffuse my anger. I'm trying to reclaim my life, but it's hard. I see so many people making dumb choices, and all I can do is let it go. The last four or five years, I've been trying to not attach myself to anything, but I still keep looking for Sophie. I keep sabotaging my chances with girls, because I know deep inside that I'll never be satisfied unless I see Sophie again."

"You can't do that. It'll drive you crazy."

"Maybe I should be in therapy along with you. By the way, don't you have to--"

"I'm in the lobby right now."

"Whoa! All this time, you were driving to the therapist?"

"After I dropped off the food? Yeah. She's still with another patient, so I have some time."

"Cool."

"She says I'm doing good. Making progress."

"That's what it's all about. Therapy. That's why I called you after all this time. I needed closure."

"Yeah, about all of that... You know, the Sharky stuff..."

"The Sharky stuff?"

"The Sharky stuff... We were just talking about being lied to, so I guess... basically... I knew why you were mad at me all this time. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, but instead it cost me your friendship for almost five years..."

"Yeah..."

"The last time we were speaking, Dick wouldn't even let me talk to you. That's because he never trusted me. You see... after I ran away from home, I kinda went wild. I was a bit of a slut."

"I know."

"You know?"

"What I mean is, I remember hearing you had left home, and my exact words to Sharky were: 'Man, she's going to go nuts. She's got a lot of catching up to do.'"

"Yes. I did. I caught up all right. I was on so many drugs, doing so many stupid things... Then I hit rock bottom, and the only person there was Dick. He didn't care what I'd done, he wasn't going to judge me."

"Of course not."

"But I was wrong. He never let me live it down. That's why he kept me on a short leash. He couldn't get over how bad I'd acted before I met him. There were all sorts of rumors, all sorts of stories, and Dick had heard them all, and he didn't want me to leave him. So I stayed loyal and faithful to him... and he ended up cheating on me. Anyway, the reason why I say all of this is because back then I thought you were going to judge me along with everyone else. And when you called me on it, I thought that what you wanted to hear was that it never happened. So that's what I said, and I regret it."

(pause)

"You realize, Eve, that it wasn't what you'd done that made me angry and hurt-- it was the fact that you lied about it. I already knew the truth-- I'm not that stupid. Most people are bad liars, and everyone who was in on this cover-up-- for that's what it was --couldn't lie straight. But I had to give you and Sharky the benefit of the doubt, because you two were the closest people to me. I had no real proof, but I knew in my gut. And then, when I was trying to get my life back together, and move on like everyone suggested, I end up in New York with A-Dogg spilling the beans about the whole thing... and he expected me to not get mad! Can you fucking believe the gall?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Go for it."

"Are you still mad?"

(long pause)

"Yes, I was still really mad about it, even after we talked again for the first time. But I put it out of my mind, because I'm trying, Eve. I'm trying to understand. I'm not as angry as I was, and every day I seem to be getting less bitter about it. Maybe this will be the first and last time we ever have to talk about it. I've been trying to move on, but it's hard when you are still friends with all of my friends. You're not an easy person to shake, in that respect. I just got so sick and tired of being mad at you. But I just wanted to know. I'm a curious person, Eve, and I've also heard worse news in my life than what you and Sharky did. And yet, no one wanted to own up to it. No one treated me like an adult, like I had a right to know."

"There wasn't much to tell anyway. The sex was bad."

"I don't care if the sex was bad or good or mediocre. All you had to do was tell me the truth. I could've been over this a long time ago. But it feels like no one wants me to be over this, even as they tell me to stop living in the past."

"I know..."

"I was denied my anger. How can I become an emotionally whole person when the people I love are denying me my emotions? I would've gotten mad, yes-- but I would've forgiven you. When it comes to lies, it's a sensitive thing for me. I've been lied to all of my life, and I certainly didn't expect it from you."

"Well... my therapist is ready to see me. But before I go, I'm giving you the opportunity to ask me anything you want to ask me about the whole thing. If there is one thing you really want to know, what is it?"

"When. I want to know when. I already knew what, where, and how. I figured those out on my own, and A-Dogg just confirmed it all. But when did it happen?"

"If you're concerned about whether or not I was faithful to you--"

"I already know that we were broken up when it happened. That's why I didn't care what you had done-- the lie was the biggest insult to me, not the fact that you did Sharky."

"Okay... well, it must have been before July of 1994, before the rape."

"After you left home?"

"After I left home."

"Not around the time of my 21st birthday, when you two were on acid at my gig?"

"No, not that night. Really, it wasn't that memorable, otherwise I'd have more details."

"That's all I wanted to know."

"Well, I'm sure there's something else you'd like to know."

"What is it?"

"I'm sorry. I really am sorry for lying to you."

(long long LONG pause)

"Thank you."

"Anyway, I have to go to therapy now..."

"You do that. Call me later, when you're done-- my rehearsal looks like it's been rained out. Even if I do decide to go, it won't be for some time. I'll be here."

"Okay."

"And tomorrow-- if you want to work more with Photoshop, you're more than welcome to come by the Garage."

"I will. Thanks."

"Take care."

"You too."

(CLICK)


**


Yesterday a radio DJ rhetorically asked if this was the year that all the curses would be lifted. He was referring to the Red Sox, as well as the Cincinnatti Bengals hosting (and winning) a Monday Night game for the first time in fifteen years.

But I think he was talking to me, about personal matters.

I can't tell you how it felt to hear those two words. They are words that I longed to hear for almost a decade. I never gave up on the possibility of ever hearing them. I felt the burden being lifted, the spell being broken. After all of the ups and downs, the lost friends and the retrieved connections, the bull sessions and the long talks, after all the baggage was jettisoned and everything was inventoried, it all boiled down to two words:

"I'm sorry."

That's all I wanted. I didn't want payback-- Karma handled that. I didn't want revenge, and besides-- the best revenge is living well. I didn't want to have her back, although there were lonely times when I would've gladly taken her back if she had appeared to me and asked me. No, all I wanted was to hear her acknowledge what she had done. That's all I ever want anyone to do: take responsibility for their actions, especially if they affect me.

She called me later, after the therapy was done. She joked that I was the topic of the session, although it doesn't matter at this point. None of that shit matters anymore, none of the rumors, the stories, the anecdotes, the gossip... It doesn't matter that she haunted me for years, even before I stopped talking to her. It doesn't matter that The Man Who Took My Place has been displaced and cast aside. It doesn't matter that I was right all along.

What matters is that I didn't give up on the truth.

It wasn't easy, and towards the end I had to give up something in exchange for this truth to be exposed. I had to bury the hatchet and stop being so vindictive. I had to lay down my arms and offer an olive branch. That was the only way, I eventually concluded, that I could set myself free.

We made plans to have a pancake dinner Friday night. I will see her tomorrow, and Thursday she has to go to class. Friday, after our dinner, I will go to rehearsal, and try to woo the fiddle player. I will play my bass, like I did about six hours ago at the Funkin Pie lockout studio, and I will look into the face of my future knowing that I have defeated another demon, and that another wound has fully healed with time and with care.

I drove to work, rain cascading down the windshield in front of me. It was like the tears of God and his angels. It was like the collective tears of a broken world, waiting for that fix. It was like the cleansing power of water, reigning o'er me and baptising me anew, wiping the slate clean, the scent of old dogs washed from the streets...

I have forgiven her, and now I can finally move on.