parties

I go to parties a lot.

I never learn my lesson.

I have fun at parties, but I never learn my lesson. What lesson am I talking about?

The Lesson At The End Of The Night: All parties are illusory diversions. They don't mean anything in and of themselves.

Whether it is a good one or a bad one, I always come away feeling like I should've just stayed home. Even if I meet a bevvy of Playboy Playmates who all want to eat sushi off of my genitalia, I will somehow feel dejected by night's end.

That's because the promise of a party cannot ever be delivered... ever.

I remember parties in high school-- they never turned out to be the way people expected. No matter what happened, someone always ended up crying in the back room; someone always got their heart broken; someone always got too wasted; someone found out who their real friends were...

Things haven't changed much since high school. I went to a few college parties in the '90's, but they were just high school parties on steroids.

I have yet to attend a party that will change my life. That's because there never will be such a party.

Think about the greatest party you ever attended. In your memory, there are some stand-out moments, I'm sure... but if you were to actually transport yourself back in time, to the exact time and place where the party was held, and if you were to watch the whole scene unfurl objectively from a distance, you'd see that the party was not great at all, and in fact the greatness of any given party is directly proportionate to your own mood.

This party should've been great. There were fire eaters and trapeze artists. There were live bands and slammin' DJs. There were hot girls and freaky guys. There were hippies and ravers and stoners and punks and Goths and whores and strippers and artists and weirdly-dressed people, all in some downtown L.A. warehouse.

I learned from one of my friends who attended with me that the person who threw this party used to have them at his home. "Those parties were better," he said. "You still had to pay $20 to get in, but there was all this free booze. Now, they have drink tickets. Uggh!"

He also said that the home parties were more intimate. "Lotta outsiders here tonight," he said. "At the home parties, it was all people we knew."

Granted, the people I attended this party with are the type who never go to parties, and when they do it's strictly to laugh at weirdoes. But there was nothing to laugh at, as it became clear that now the parties were being "commercialized" i.e., the people putting it on wanted to make their money back... and then some.

The truth is, I could've driven by any number of warehouse parties in the same warehouse district and found an identical bash going on, for possibly less money.

That's why I prefer throwing parties. And I prefer them to happen in my home. But it's been YEARS since I threw a party.

Years, I tell you.

Maybe it's time to throw one. A cookout, maybe? Or a small get-together? I can't use my place because my neighbors in sleepy Burbank might trip, but if I can find a party house...

I think that's what I need to do-- throw a party. A good one. Not the greatest ever... just a good one will suffice.

How's that sound?