jealousy

"Living well is the best revenge."

--George Herbert, English clergyman & metaphysical poet (1593 - 1633)


I just took an online quiz about jealousy. Unfortunately, it didn't give me any cool HTML code so that I could post it here and brag about my score, but trust me when I say that I scored a 20 out of 100-- that means that I am relatively not jealous.

Of course, those online quizzes have all the scientific validity of a loaf of bread. But at the same time I've always known that, when it comes to being jealous, I am very good about containing it.

I do feel jealous often, but mostly about irrational things. And if something should ever happen that confirms my worst fears, I deal with it by saying that I saw it coming.

My theory on jealousy is this: if you have ever cheated on someone, it increases the likelihood of you feeling jealous over someone you care about. Cheaters can't tolerate their own jealousy because it reminds them of their own actions in the past.

Eve never cheated on me when we were dating. But her tryst with Sharky broke an explicit trust between us for a long time. The reason is that, before I got to know Eve, I sensed a sexual tension between them. Sharky knew Eve way before I did, and I think I may have even once told the both of them that the worst thing they could ever do to me would be to get together.

So, in other words, I set myself up for that one.

Maybe that's why it never really bothered me. I knew they got together even as they denied it, and I can't really blame them for their curiosity. But please, don't treat me like a little kid who needs his eyes covered every time a nude scene appears on a movie screen. Don't lie to me.

In a way, it was the best thing that could've happened, because now Sharky and Eve have no relationship whatsoever, and it wasn't my fault. I have no fears that they will ever reconcile fully. There's too much baggage between them now. Sharky and Eve's little affair brought reality crashing down on the both of them, and neither of them can get past that.

But I can get past it. And it helps that, since I didn't do anything wrong, I hold the upper hand in my relationships with the both of them.

One thing you all should know about me: never let me have the upper hand. You will regret it if you do.


*/*


Granted, I'm not rubbing salt into their wounds. The passage of time does that job quite nicely, with little effort on my part.

In the case of Sharky, karma was a real bitch. You see, Sharky was dating Nona, the younger sister of my friend Nina, for a long time. In fact, when he got together with Eve, he had been officially seeing Nona.

Sharky would confide in me all of his other dalliances, and because we were friends I kept them secret. But it pained me to be around Nona, knowing that all I had to do was open my mouth and she would know what a dishonest person Sharky was being.

However, I kept my mouth shut, because otherwise I would become directly involved, and I didn't want that.

Anyway, to cut to the chase... After Sharky hurt Nona for the umpteenth time, she found a way to get back at him: she began a romance with my friend and then-roommate Purple Paulie.

Nona and Paulie have been a couple for almost a decade now.

And recently, Sharky told me that he now realizes what an idiot he was in treating Nona the way he did. He was on the verge of tears as he told me.

His admission was instigated by a simple incident-- he showed up at one of my shows. And it just so happened that Paulie and Nona were at the same show. Now, mind you, anyone who knows Paulie and Nona can tell you that it is extremely RARE that they ever leave their insulated bubble to come see a show. Well, they chose one hell of a night to come out on the town, because as soon as Sharky saw them, the reality hit him in the gut.

And I was on the stage, a witness to it all. I didn't orchestrate this event-- who could organize something so perfect and balanced? Still, it felt like I was getting some sort of revenge anyway.

Or at least a form of justice...


*/*


Eve's jealousy is rooted in a different sort of karma.

She has always been jealous of other women concerning me. The main reason we broke up so many years ago was because I said something stupid, something about how my friends would cover up any affairs I could've had because they were so loyal.

God, was I wrong!

But I never cheated on her, and even though she technically didn't cheat on me, the Sharky thing and the subsequent cover-up only fueled my already-paranoid insecurities.

And so now, to know that she is jealous of my relationship with a girl whom I am merely good friends with is only mildly annoying.

The annoyance stems from my dislike of being blamed for something I didn't do. If I really was carrying on with other girls while seeing Eve, then I would feel bad, guilty, even ashamed. But I also feel that, if I am to be punished for something, it may as well be for something that I actually did, not something that she thinks I did.

After all, until someone came forward and told me the absolute truth about Sharky and Eve, I could only speculate and suspect that something had happened... and I never brought it up past the initial confrontation. I gave them the benefit of the doubt, because they were my closest friends.

She owes it to me to give me the benefit of the doubt, doesn't she?

So yes, it annoys me that she won't give me that benefit. But I know in my heart that I have done nothing wrong. I have been as honest as I possibly can be.

And, I have forgiven her for her past deeds. I am not relishing the way the tables have been turned, despite the years I spent vowing to one day get her back for her perceived treachery. The reason why is because the only way to move on with one's life is to forgive and forget.

I must admit, it makes it easier to forgive and forget if karma has somehow arranged it so that now she has to deal with the very insecurities that ruined our relationship over a decade ago. But it doesn't make me feel good to know that she is hurting, or that she thinks she is not worthy of me. In fact, it pains me to the bone.

After all, she has paid her dues. She has suffered enough, through no fault of mine. Why add insult to injury, especially when all I want is to be with her?


*/*


And yet, I wonder how long it will take before she is comfortable with me. Will I have to jettison all of my female friends just because she has issues? Will I have to change the way I deal with platonic friends of the opposite sex? Will I be forced to temper my social graces out of fear of triggering another episode where she is pushing me away?

And what about the complete opposite of this-- what would have happened had I been all over Eve at that birthday party? What if I'd had my arms around her, or kissed her in full view of everyone else? Wouldn't that be insensitive to my other female friends? Or better yet-- wouldn't that make Eve recoil and run away from me, out of fear that I am the one who is "too attached"?

It's her problem, not mine. But I know that if I want to have anything with her, I'm going to have to be patient. As I've noted before, that's all I ever do. I am the one who must be patient, even though I am not the one with the problem.

That's okay-- my life is good right now. I might be starting a new job soon, if things go well. This year looks like it's going to be better than the last, and already I have been blessed by the gifts and kind gestures of my friends and family.

Have a nice weekend, people...