paradox

I had a great New Year, spent with friends eating hand-rolled shrimp eggrolls, Mahi tuna won-tons, and vegetable stir-fry. We joked that it was our version of the Chinese New Year.

All the food was potlucked and/or prepared at Purple Paulie's house in Topanga Canyon. Eve brought the stir fry and the banana blueberry bread. Paulie, ever the gracious host and eager chef, made everyone in attendance (merely a handful of close friends, a dozen or so people) a serving of creme brulee.

We watched movies, listened to music, played Foosball, and smoked a lot of cigarettes (tobacco and otherwise).

Oh, and there was alcohol. But I didn't drink, because I was the DD.



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The next morning, I made up for my New Year teetotaling by drinking plenty of Newcastle brown ales. Eve and I watched football and had a pretty deep conversation about what we mean to each other. I was an emotional wreck, as usual, and we decided that maybe we were hanging out way too much, even for best friends.

She thinks she hurts me. I tell her that I'm the one who inflicts pain upon myself-- if anything, she saves me from my pain, and that's what hurts: I become too dependent upon her and others to cheer me up when I'm feeling down.

She made me a bookmark. It is beautiful.

I made a casual remark about how I would ask her to marry me if it weren't for the fact that I know what her answer will be. I was pretty drunk when I said this, and it was accompanied by a lot of overdramatic declarations and things I didn't mean... but even I was shocked by my admission.

You have to understand: I have never wanted to get married. Ever.

Not even to Amy Coates, who is married and a mother now.

Nope. Never cared for that.

So why was I talking about it to Eve? Because someone who doesn't know Eve and I that well recently asked me me if I was nuts for not asking her for her hand in marriage. I have never entertained such ideas because I'm real good at throwing the case out before it gets heard. But this time, I let the person speak, and they had good points.

The only problem is, this person hasn't known either of us for very long, and therefore does not know that Eve and I both have an inability to trust people.

She has her reasons, I have mine.


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Speaking of Amy Coates for a second...

The reason why we missed each other on Tuesday was totally my fault. We had agreed to meet around 8pm in front of the P.F. Chang's in the Galleria where I work. But as the time drew nearer, I became... nervous.

Amy had quite a hold on me when we were together. I was afraid that I would somehow get hurt again. Possibly, I wouldn't have been able to handle the reality that she is married and living in Santa Fe, raising a child and living the life she has always wanted.

That could be another reason why marriage has been looming in my mind. But I digress.

Around a quarter to 8, I received a phone call. I thought it was Amy.

It was Eve.

She knew I was going to meet Amy and just wanted to call and say 'hello'.

I suspected there was more to it, because Eve was raving about some good luck concerning one of her acting side projects and was in the mood to semi-celebrate. I told Eve that I hadn't heard from Amy, which was technically true...

"Didn't she flake out on you last time?" Eve asked me.

And I remembered that, yes, she did. The last time she was in town, she told me she would call me to get together. I waited for her call. She never contacted me. Then, when days had passed and I e-mailed her asking if she had tried to get a hold of me, I received a reply from Amy that was a complete flashback to those frustrating days spent arguing with her, splitting the finest of hairs, squabbling over petty bullshit.

Her basic response was that she had to deal with her baby and her husband and simply didn't have any time for me, and that I shouldn't be so immature about it.

I told Eve that, if Amy didn't call me at 7:50pm, I would leave work and meet her at Denny's for a meal. I didn't have Amy's cel phone number because she never gave it to me, so I couldn't call her and see if she was still coming.

At 7:51 I called Eve to inform her I was leaving. She answered the phone and playfully asked, "It's 7:51-- why are you still at work?"

Later on, Eve denied that she was trying to divert my attention away, and I believe her. But, I think she was wondering in the back of her mind if I would make the right choice. Eve did the right thing by giving me a choice to make, even if she was silently rooting for me to come to her and not go to Amy.

My philosophy as of late has been to go where I am wanted. Eve wanted me to be with her; Amy was expecting me to be there.

I stood Amy up.

When I got home later that night, Amy had left a message. She had waited for an hour before leaving. She sounded angry.

I felt a little bad about that. But not that bad...


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Friday afternoon, Amy left me a message on my answering machine, in regards to my apology and my offer for a make-up dinner that night:


"It's Amy. I'm calling to say that tonight isn't going to work. My family's all coming over tonight, and everyone's going to be here. I might've been more enthusiastic, however, if I hadn't been left waiting for an hour outside of P.F. Chang's, in the freezing cold. That may have something to do with it, I don't know. Happy New Year."


That left my evening open. I called Eve to see what time she was coming back from Murietta. She had left her work early to make the drive down there, as part of the good news she received earlier this week.

When I got her on the phone, she sounded angry. Her boss had been a dick to her, calling her up to remind her that she had left a project incomplete before she left. Eve, who works very hard and takes her boss' shit daily, screamed at him over the phone. Her boss, knowing he had stepped over the line, promptly apologized to her.

Then, she received a call from the people she was driving out to see: the event had been postponed. Eve had already made it halfway out there, in terrible pre-New Year traffic, for naught.

I told her to drive back and meet me at In-N-Out Burger, where I'd buy her a grilled cheese sandwich served "animal style". This made her happy. By the time we were back at her place, our bellies were full and her soul was calmer.

I didn't spend the night. I got up to leave, and as I leaned over to tell her I was going, I accidentally nudged her too hard. She awoke with a fright, her facial expression one of terror. I inadvertantly laughed and then I hugged her and apologized for scaring her.

I let her sleep. We were going to see each other the next day anyway...


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The paradox of my relationship with Eve is that, while we are busy calling ourselves 'best friends', we are acting more like a couple.

For example: I would never watch a movie with any of my guy friends while cuddling on the couch or in bed.

Also: I would never give soft, close-mouthed kisses to my guy friends as a way of passing the time.

And we have been near-inseparable for the past three weeks.

We are fooling oursleves. Neither of us wants to let go or lose control of our lives. And we have good reason to believe that. I agree with Eve that right now a relationship is the worst thing for her. And I know that if I were seeing anyone right now, all the emotional shit I pile on Eve's back would instantly transfer over.

Only thing is, I don't know many girls who would tolerate me the way Eve does. Likewise, I am one of the few people Eve trusts... and I still manage to hurt and disappoint her regularly.

I really don't know what's to become of us in the upcoming year. But at least Eve and I are aware of one thing: we cannot stay away from each other. She doesn't want to be involved, but she finds herself allowing more and more. I keep going back on my words when it comes to staying detached.

We are so stupid. Why can't we get over ourselves? Are we doomed to be Jerry & Elaine for the rest of our lives? Will we be the non-FBI version of Mulder & Scully?


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Two things that Eve said, two things that blew my mind:

1) When I said that maybe we should keep a little distance until a certain date, she refused, saying "One day at a time. That's how we have to take it."

2) When I said that I was part of a past she needed to get over, she said "You're not the same person you were ten years ago. Am I the same person you knew ten years ago?" I had to say no.

Because this is something that isn't easy to dissect, I am going to minimize my blog entries about Eve for a while. It has nothing to do with privacy. It has to do with trying to give voice to complicated desires and feelings.

I will still write about it, but in muted tones, and with abstract imagery.


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This past week has been emotionally draining, not just for me but for others. I had dinner with Laurie and Daniel a few nights ago, and Daniel was feeling blue about all the red tape that keeps him from having a job in the States (he is British). The same red tape also disallows him from traveling back home to visit his family.

I sat up with him and got drunk as we shot the shit and opened up to each other. Being an English male, Daniel was embarrassed about being emotionally vulnerable, but I reassured him that it was normal, and that I have an emotional breakdown "every two weeks, it seems".

Everyone was feeling dragged down by one thing or another. But now the calendar has announced that 2005-- that vicious ogre --lies dead, in ruins, rotting away. 2006 is here, and although it's just another day in the scheme of things, it's also a nice opportunity to seize upon in order to make badly-needed changes in one's life.

It's not really a time to reflect, at least for me: I seem to reflect constantly, like a prism fixed upon the re-examination of nostalgia. As a writer, I strip-mine the past in order to have spare parts for my future literary vehicles.

But my head is swirling with new ideas, different notions, foreign concepts that suddenly have relevance to my life. And when that type of stuff starts happening, I find it more convenient to write less and live more. Then, when something remarkable has come about as a result of all of this transition and change, I can play catch-up and write it all down.

I will still blog, obviously.

I hope all of you had a wonderful New Year celebration, no matter where you were.