Holly called me on Thanksgiving and left a message. I didn't remember to call her back until today.
She reluctantly answered, wondering why the numbers on my outgoing line were nothing but a series of zeroes. The call block from my work does that-- it freaks people out, because they think they're getting a call from the Feds or something like that.
She said she loved me at least five times during our short conversation. Each time she said it, I felt like it was some form of mockery. It lacerated me every time to hear it. Is she one of those girls who just says they love you, regardless of how they really feel?
If she really loved me, she'd be here and not 3,000 miles way.
Same goes for Monique. She's just as far away as Holly is. She told me she'd be back in October. It's December now. No e-mails, no phone calls...
Where are these women when I need them?
It all goes back to feeling rejected, feeling unloved by the ones I wanted to stay but never returned... if they elected to return it was not out of choice...
Eventually, all the women I have ever loved leave me in some way, shape or form. They die symbolically in my mind and then I mourn them, and then I move on to the next one. Some of them are maidens ripe for the ravishing; others are combination madonna-whores who do not demand anything of me except what I am unable to give.
When Monique left, I made a decision not to act like I was waiting for her to come back. I dated other people. I didn't want to be left holding the bag. But now that I have been proven right, I still feel like I've been left holding the bag. My only consolation is that I didn't sit around like a puppy dog, expecting her to return.
I have female friends who can keep me company, keep my spirits up, maybe even keep me warm on a cold winter's night. But there's no one special with whom to look forward to the season.
Eve is special, but she would rather not snuggle with me. I guess I'm just not as hot as I thought I was.
Tonight I'm going to take the fake mini-Christmas tree out of its box and put the decorations on it. I'm going to make mix CDs for my friends so that they can get into the Christmas spirit without having to gag on hackneyed hymns and tired carols. My mix CDs are clever, hip, and ironic. But they are a poor substitute for whatever it is I am wishing to fill inside of my soul.
Where is my Christmas miracle?
Or better yet, what makes me think I'm deserving of one?
4 comments:
James, You sound so mournful.. You have a lot to be thankful for! I'm sorry about Eve. But the next woman is right around the corner, don't worry!
Christmas miracles are over rated. When I think back on the most magical/romantic holiday moments I have ever had with another person, and I go through them play by play and you will see it wasn't all that magical. You can try the same thing with relationships in general--really look at everything, not just your romanticized image of the person or relationship, but the reality. The reason this is so is that miracles and magic doesn't come from outside ourselves. No one can give you that kind of miracle, and it doesn't take a romantic partner to make magic, although it is nice to have that. All great miracles and romances come from the source inside of you, which you project onto the object of your affection. People long to live the mythical life and create those myths around themselves and people in thier own lives, and call is magic or miracles. If you have no interesting object upon which to create your myth this year, then look to yourself--because when you get right down to it, that is the real source of the magic. I think in the end you will find that ultimate happiness and real miracles can only be found within...and I think you have a great and deep well inside you full of the stuff from which you can create a magicsl life for yourself. We just have to remember to look inside for it, and not to others.
This idea isn't always easy for people to remember because our egos and our societies are so outwardly focused, but if you think about it you know it is true. No one you have ever been with is as great as your image of them, which isnt real. We create our image of people to fit into the myth we want to create for our lives. We are attracted to people because of how they fit into our myth, and we see them not as they really are, but as we would like them to be. That is magic, and it comes from inside, and you can use it to make yourself happy, or to make yourself miserable. Remember that, and you will never have to search for your miracle in the face of another person again. We are all full of miracles! :)
i love zen.
yes, chin up jimmy drawz!
Thank you, ladies.
I get into these funks when I think about all the love I've had and lost. And with Eve, it's all so complicated, but I guess I just get frustrated with our missed signals. I know I probably drive her crazy too. It's tough, because I am trying to balance my desire for her with respect and friendship, but I am also intensely attracted to her, and I can't help myself.
Anyway, thank you all for your lovely sentiments. They cheered me up, all of them.
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