After work tonight, I am having dinner with Amy Coates.
You may be asking yourself, Who is Amy Coates?
She is the girl I once thought of as my 'soul mate'. She was my first girlfriend in high school, back when I was an emotional wreck over my parents' undignified divorce.
Amy could be sweet; she could also be a bitch. She was very important to me, but mostly I feel like it was a failure.
She's married now. She has a toddler. I know that's what she always wanted.
The one lesson I learned from my time with Amy was that it is more important to be with people who actually like you for who you are, as opposed to what they want you to be. I could never be what Amy wanted, no matter how hard she tried to make me into that unattainable goal.
Anyway, we haven't laid eyes on each other in 8 years. Is this closure for us, this meeting? No, we achieved closure five years ago.
This is more like a chance for us to realize where we went wrong, and make amends.
I told Eve what I was doing, and she asked me if I was nervous. I tried to play it off like I wasn't.
"I just want to make sure that Amy doesn't get it twisted," I said. "Maybe settling down is important to her, but not to me. I don't want her to think she's won."
Eve, speaking as a person who can never figure out what people like me have to prove, merely replied, "Why do you care what she thinks of you?"
My answer 8 years ago might have been something along the lines of "Because I love her" or something equally stupid. But as I pondered Eve's question, I realized that I really don't care what Amy Coates thinks of me.
I used to tell myself I didn't care, back in the day, but it was so obvious that I did. And a part of me still cares a little bit... but not really.
Thank you, Eve, for putting it in perspective. Tonight, Amy and I will have a nice time together, and then we will return to our respective lives, independent of each other and our spheres of influence.
*/*
Last year, around this time, I was playing bass in a band with two girls, Ellen and Katie. The project fell through because of a rift that arose between the two women.
The rift was over a guy, some wannabe music producer.
A bitter falling-out ensued, with both girls predictably asking me to to take their side. I stayed as neutral as I could-- I'd had a crush on Katie at the time, but I knew she was trouble all the same.
Time has passed, and Ellen is still working on the same demo she was doing last year. Meanwhile, Katie joined an Australian pop band and is now opening for the likes of the newly-reformed INXS.
It clearly bothers Ellen that Katie is achieving some sort of measure of fame, but what Ellen cannot see is that Katie is not doing it on her terms. She is a member of an already-established group, and although she is given credit and leeway for her contributions, it isn't the same goal that Katie had in mind earlier last year: Katie saw herself as a singer/songwriter/violinist working on her own material.
Likewise, Ellen can't let go of the nagging suspicion that, had she not been jealous of Katie's tryst with the sleazy "producer" that caused the whole fight, they'd all still be working together and having fun.
Obviously, Katie has let go of the feud, because it's easy for her to do: she's playing steady gigs, touring with a band signed to a major label, getting per diem money, and enjoying all the perks of being in a successful band. But it's also hectic work-- hard work --and let's not forget that within the band (as with EVERY band) there are most likely labrynthine machinations at work as we speak, issues that could potentially harm the group dynamic.
And, if the group never gets any hits, the label will drop them in a snap.
But Ellen cannot entertain these notions, even to make herself feel better. Katie is where Ellen wants desperately to be, and no amount of sour grapes can dissuade Ellen from knowing that Katie is living Ellen's dream for her.
I saw it coming to a head back when we were a group, and all I can say is that neither of the women came away from it any better off than they were. I say this because of the details surrounding one song in particular, a song that Katie had written.
This song was better than all of the songs Ellen had written for us to play. It was highly derivative, yes, but extremely catchy. I must admit, I was happy to play on the song as we were recording it in a professional studio-- it was (and still is, to this day) some of my best pop bass-playing.
But when the feud began, the song (much like a poor child being pulled to opposing extremes by divorcing parents) became the centerpiece of a bitter struggle over ownership. Ellen had paid the lion's share of the money for the studio time devoted to recording Katie's song, and therefore felt that she owned the master tapes.
However, Katie actually composed the song (or at least 99.9% of it), and had it copyrighted immediately after the feud began. So there was a discrepancy over who owned what.
I chimed in as a referee, stating that Ellen owned the master tapes but had to get Katie's permission to use the song, as well as paying royalties to Katie if it was ever sold or distributed. On the flip side, Katie could re-record a different version of the song, but she would have to ask for permission to use Ellen's sound recording, and under no circumstances could she have copies of the master tapes unless Ellen deemed it appropriate.
Does any of that make sense?
On the phone recently, I told Ellen that she should call Katie up and talk to her, but I know that Ellen would never do that. It would be the same as admitting defeat, and (judging from the bitter depths their fight descended to) it wouldn't surprise me if Katie rubbed Ellen's nose in it.
I'm just glad that I detached myself from the situation before I became emotionally involved. I was able to let go and get away from it, and now I can talk to both of the girls without feeling guilty.
I'm just careful to not bring up the other girl's name, unless I want to hear a tirade for the next fifteen minutes...
*/*
As 2006 rolls around, I realize that I am only as happy as I allow myself to be.
I've patched up some damaged relationships this year, most notably with Eve and Sharky. And my relationship with my family is slowly improving, although I know I must make more of an effort to visit them when I have the time.
I guess as I get older, I just don't give a fuck.
This is not the same as when I didn't give a fuck at age 16. That brand of not-giving-a-fuck was largely informed by bragadoccious rap lyrics and hormonal teen machismo. No, instead I find that I just have less and less reason to be upset over the petty things that routinely make me fly off the handle.
I'll never be able to make the slow traffic on the freeway go any faster; I'll never be able to get the line at the bank or the supermarket to speed up; and it's useless to blame the weather for being what it is at any given time.
My life will never be the perfect masterwork that I envisioned as a youth. But one can argue that the flaws, the mistakes, and the imperfections are what gives my life character, personality, a uniqueness that I probably never would've touched on my own.
If given a choice, I think I would've opted to have a "normal" life like everyone else, with no crazy turns and twists... but then again, there is no such thing as "normal" anyway.
What's normal is that I have friends, a family, and a future. These are things I thought I'd never have, in this lifetime or any other.
A new year is dawning on us, and I'm all smiles.
Why?
Because I just don't give a fuck anymore.
That's why.
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