the cult of pally

I have many obsessions and pet causes that I fetishize over. Those who know me best know what these things are, probably better than I do.

I get attached to weird concepts or strange tangents. For example: in high school, I remember being fascinated by Bono's use of the qualifier "of love" for everything: the U2 singer is always singing about the "fire of love" or the "hands of love". He even went so far as to cover "Satellite Of Love" by Lou Reed! And let's not forget the the heart-shaped stage they used for the Elevation tour...

But I digress. The point is, I think I have finally discovered why I am so obsessed with Pally, a minor character on The Simpsons.

Who is Pally, you might ask? Well, he goes by many names, usually describing his ever-changing array of jobs. He is mostly a clerk or a driver or a repairman of some sort. In one episode, Sideshow Bob referred to him as "Raphael" as he was managing the Broken Dreams Storage Locker joint that Bob moved into temporarily while plotting revenge against Krusty The Clown and Bart Simpson. But technically, he has no name.

In Simpsons lore, he is known as The Sarcastic Man. My friends and I call him Pally because he uses that label, among others, to address anyone he comes into contact with: other labels include "Romeo" "Buddy" "Fatty" (as in "Hey fatty, I got a movie for you-- A Fridge Too Far!") or "Casanova".

His voice is done by Hank Azaria, a Simpsons mainstay, and it's a voice that Azaria also uses when impersonating Charles Bronson, as in the episode where the Simpsons end up in Bronson, Missouri, instead of Branson, Missouri. The town of Bronson is populated by people who look and sound like Charles Bronson.

A mother and son are walking down a street in Bronson, and they both resemble the tough-guy acting legend.

The boy says to his mother, "Hey ma, can I have some cookies?"

She replies coldly, "No dice."

The son, unfazed, retorts with, "This... ain't... over!"

Funny stuff. And yes, I know I'm a geek.


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Anyway, I think the reason why I adore Pally so much is because he is so acerbic. Daniel, my British friend who shares my Pally enthusiasm, insists that it's because Pally is Everyman, but for me it goes further: Pally is simply above reproach.

He is not especially good or bad at his various jobs, nor is he meant to represent any particular type of person in the real world. One can say that he speaks for all the surly laborers out there who toil away in subservient jobs, but there doesn't seem to be any bitterness in Pally's tone.

What makes him above reproach is that he is relentlessly sarcastic, and devastatingly candid. He's the limo driver who sees the whole Prom Night situation going down between Homer, Marge Bouvier and Artie Ziff, assesses it, and gives his opinion without taking sides; he's the box office attendant at the local theater who tries to help Homer decide what movie to watch; he's the aforementioned storage space manager who already knows that Sideshow Bob wants to live in his storage locker ("You wanna live in the locker? It's two bucks a day!"); he's the taxi driver who films a drunken Homer for the benefit of a cable reality series that is eerily similar to Taxicab Confessions...

Thus, he is somewhat of a sage, and a very sarcastic sage at that.

Pally always has a clever quip or insult on hand. And yet he is also quick to admit when he's been bested, like when Bart counters Pally's suggestion that Homer is buying a Turbo Diary for the wrong reasons.


HOMER: One Turbo Diary please.

PALLY: Trying to keep those crushes secret, eh, Romeo?

BART: It's not for me. I'm not a girl, like you!

PALLY: Well played.


I like the fact that no one ever gets really mad at him, or confronts him when he is pulling their leg, despite his downright ornery-ness. The closest he ever came to dealing with someone's ire was when Pally (appearing as a bug exterminator) prompted Marge to ask Homer why he must always choose the cheapest company in the Yellow Pages.

Pally is so sarcastic, he even put Comic Book Guy (aka Jeff Albertson) in his place, causing Comic Book Guy to retreat to his comic book shop, where he "dispenses the insults" and not the other way around.

In other words, Pally possess some sort of power, in spite of his menial position on the societal ladder. He may not be as influential as Mr. Burns, or as famous as Rainier Wolfcastle, or as rich as Artie Ziff (before the embezzlement scandal), bit Pally has an acidic wit on his side.

His function in the world of Springfield is strictly utilitarian, but on a larger scale Pally is akin to some Native-American trickster god, appearing in all places at once, alternating between causing havoc or solving problems.

He takes on many forms, and not just with job titles. In early episodes, he is sometimes drawn differently but retains the nasal voice with its slightly Polish accent. My favorite example of this is during the "Treehouse of Horror" episode involving the homicidal Krusty doll-- a toy company serviceman shows up at the Simpson house and checks out the doll, who has already tried to kill Homer on numerous occasions.

Wearing shades and sporting a tan, he looks more like Duff Man than the Pally I've come to know and love. But the voice and the delivery are unmistakable:

"Yup, here's your problem. Someone set this thing to 'Evil'..."

Pally is quite the jester when he is called upon, and for that I appreciate him. And if I'm not mistaken, the creators of the show have been using him more and more as time goes on. They are wise to reuse him on and off over the course of each season. Sometimes he says nothing, a mere face in the background; other times, he is right there, interacting with the principals. But nothing is really known about his private life, other than what he offers up... which is usually very little.

Pally is a mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in an enigma, and I think he likes it like that.


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When I was a kid, I played this game with my neighbors that I made up. It was called "Life" and it bore no relation to the popular board game.

I would corral my friends on the block and put them through the ropes: the first part of the game was all about amassing personal wealth, so I would direct the action by telling them, "Okay, now you need to get a job, so there's the employment office" and I'd point to a part of my backyard. They'd walk over there and wait in line, while I jumped behind the "desk" (usually a picnic bench) and handed out jobs.

"Okay, you're a plumber."

"But I don't want to be a plumber."

"You can change your job later. Right now, you're a plumber. You need money, right?"

Then, each person would go and do their "job", which meant they would pantomime something approximating what a plumber or cop or stock trader might do. Then, after fifteen minutes of this, I'd blow a whistle to signal the end of the workday. Then, I'd have everyone come back to the "desk" and collect their money: leaves picked from off of a tree. Sometimes I used Monopoly money, but my brother got angry at me for ruining them so I switched to leaves.

Everyone received the same amount of pay, regardless of what their job was, and then it was time to buy a place to live. They'd give me some leaves, and I'd rent them a piece of my backyard.

As the game progressed, I'd transform into different occupations, depending on the situation. If one of my friends was riding on their bicycle too fast, I'd become a cop and pull them over and write them a ticket. Then, they'd have to go to the Police Station and pay it-- and guess who was behind the desk at the Police Station? You guessed it.

If it was "nighttime" and they were supposed to be asleep, I'd become a burglar and sneak into their homes or perhaps steal their bike. Then, I'd return as a cop and tell them that I will do my best but there's no guarantee that I will be able to recover their stolen goods.

While playing that game as a preteen, I was a Pally of sorts, seemingly omnipresent and unavoidable. I think that's another reason why I admire this fictional cartoon character so much: there's a bit of Pally in me. When I see him on the screen, I think to myself, There but for the grace of God go I.

I can be sarcastic and petulant, and I can also be helpful. Sometimes I'm just there, in the wings. Other times, I am at the forefront of a situation, but I blend into the scenery so well that I am unrecognizable the next time around.

Not only that, but I strive to be Pally. He is always funny and apt. Some of my favorite lines include the following:

"Sorry, pally, 'The Dingleberries' are sold out... but looking at you, I'm sure your kids are used to disappointment."

"Either give me some of that, or let's get going." (Said to Marge as she kisses Bart goodbye)

"These are no ordinary termites. What you've got here are Russian Nogoodniks... in order to kill these bugs I've got to live like a bug, think like a bug, BECOME a bug." (Proceeds to eat the furniture)

"I'm afraid I've got bad news. The trees have gotten into your plumbing... the pipes have more roots than the list of all-time top-rated TV shows."

Something about Pally reassures me, makes me comfortable. Maybe it's the fact that he is always nearby, doing something to make the world go 'round and yet stopping every now and then to weigh in on the important plot points.

I don't tire of his antics. I hope they flesh him out over the next few seasons. Yes, it's true-- I'm certifiable.

And, in case that wasn't enough, here's a link to a web page put up by Simpsons fans who are more obsessed than I could ever be.

Have a nice weekend, pally.