fear

We got into an argument.

I said some things that I wish I hadn't said.

But... and this is a big but... I'm not sorry I said them.

I can't really get into the details. Too intimate. Too personal. Suffice it to say, she made an observation about me and didn't explain why she felt that way. That stewed inside my head for the past week. We hung out a few times but I was still fuming over it, and she didn't offer to explain.

Finally, I bring it to a boil, and suddenly there she is with an explanation-- this is Classic Eve 101. The explanation is supposed to shame me for assuming the worst, and I'm supposed to feel bad for her and say "Why didn't you tell me in the first place?"

Well, I did say "Why didn't you tell me" but I didn't let her off the hook.

At one point she accused me of sounding like Dick, her psychotic ex, who may or may not be in jail right now. I replied that if it sounded like Dick, it's because she allows him to live inside of her head.

Brutal, yes. But it had to be said. Isn't it telling that she doesn't hear what I'm saying? Rather, she compares the tone to her ex-boyfriend, a lowlife by all means. It's her way of excusing herself from having to be mature and deal with reality.

I know she's unstable, I know she's in therapy. But I'm not trying to mindfuck her or manipulate her. I just want her to stop acting sneaky, like she has to hide everything from me.

Besides, it doesn't work. If you try to hide it from me, it'll only stir my curiosity. And I am very very good at detecting what lies underneath. I may not be able to read your mind, but I'll know if you are being less than truthful with me.

Maybe I'm too confrontational. But she has to learn to deal with confrontation, not just from the likes of me but from people who are NOT on her side.

And I refuse to victimize her. She insists that she needs to be more selfish, but I say that she doesn't need to read a book on it-- she wrote the book!

She is uncomfortable with seeming outwardly selfish. This is why she apologizes for things that no one asked her to be sorry for-- it's her way of transferring the guilt of her genuine selfishness. She will say she's sorry for this and that, and I laugh because there's no need to be sorry for them.

But when I demanded this time that she apologize for her assumption about me, she did it backhandedly: "I'm sorry you misunderstood."

No. Nah-ah. That's not an apology. Normally, I don't demand them, but this time I can't let her slide on this.

Am I being mean? It feels like it. But this incident has really hurt me, even more than the Sharky thing.

It hurts because it is the worst form of paranoia. She is convinced that I would actually go to the most extreme lengths in order to "keep" her.

I can't "keep" her anymore than I can keep a straight face in church.

Why can't she see that I'm not trying to force her into anything she doesn't want? Why can't she see that she is imagining certain things and allowing her general mistrust of everyone and everything to cloud her vision and judgement?

Why can't she see this? Is she afraid?

Well, so am I.