You'd think that I'd have a tougher skin by now, after over three decades spent dousing myself in metaphorical gasoline and igniting figurative fires in order to burn this evil spirit out of my system, in order to smoke out the demon that whispers in my ear and convinces me that I am nothing...
I'm tough. I'm stronger than most. But I bleed and I hurt just the same as anyone else.
I've been accused of many things in my life, and I've been called numerous infernal names under the sun, but the one label that I loathe more than anything is the label of desperation where there is none.
I have had desperate times in my life, and I owned up to them when I was in their midst. But it's an insult to level that accusation at me right now, when there is little that I want and I am stabler than I have been in some time.
There is no shame in genuine desperation, but it angers me to know that others see my affection, my concern and my passion as signs of dependence, weakness, perhaps feeble-mindedness.
What nerve it takes to describe me in this manner! The fact that I haven't lost my head over it is a testament to my restraint.
Instead, I just shrug it off, like so many other inaccurate assessments of my character. I am constantly being underestimated and patronized as if I am some fragile flower who cannot bear the mercurial weight of Truth.
Please.
I can handle it fine. However, it still makes me mad, still feels unfair, and still irks me to no end.
There's no escaping this sort of judgement. People feel that they know me, but then they say things like this and suddenly there is evidence-- much evidence --to prove otherwise.
Listen: If you think for one second that I am a sucker, you've got a few things coming to you. Don't ever make that mistake with me. I don't take kindly to people assuming they have me down pat, especially when they are dead wrong.
I know who I am, what I am capable of, and where I am going. Can anyone else say that about themselves with any degree of confidence?
Understand? I don't expect you to, so it's up to you to understand. It is not up to me to make you comprehend this simple fact.
I just don't have the time to bother with this negative crap coming from other people. I just don't.
I think tonight I want to spend some time with myself, maybe write some things down, possibly work on the computer. I think I need to be selfish for a while, even more selfish than I am accused of being.
Yeah, I think that's the ticket.
See ya.
3 comments:
People who go around accusing those of us with the courage to love and to be vulnerable are really just very insecure people. To me, you are not desparate, you are courageous to be who you are and feel how you feel without playing games, or worrying about defending your ego all the time. You are finally beginning to grow up and become a real man in my opinion. Anyone who thinks you are weak because you are finally letting your defenses down is the one who is truly weak. Only people who are weak and insecure need to go around with thier shields up all the time. People who are strong lose thier fear of falling down, they let down thier defenses, and they allow themselves to be vilnerable. Those are great signs of maturity.
wonderfully eloquent, as always
this cuts to the quick of the matter
and anyone accusing you of desperation is the one playing the real fool
Just enough info to keep Eternity dying of curiousity...
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