CLOCK THAT GRIP II

I am feeling much better over all of this contemplating I've been doing. Last night, I was thinking so hard that the answer finally came to me and helped me to develop more positive thoughts.

I take acid trips very seriously. I know it all sounds like justification for drug abuse, but I haven't done acid in over a decade. I've done 'shrooms, but that's not the same. LSD is more direct, more rigid.

I swore to myself long ago that, if I ever dropped again, I would make a serious inquiry into my personality and its nature. But 'cid is the type of drug where you MUST be prepared for the revelations to be disturbing. You may not see what you want to see when you're under its influence. It may show you things that bother you because they stir beneath the surface and your ego cannot let them go.

I was starting to think that it had been a bad idea to trip last Sunday, but now I see that it was what I needed.

And please don't get me wrong, regarding my last post: I'm not saying that I'm going to just mooch off of people, or "finagle" as I like to call it. If anything, I've been doing that and getting away with it for a long time. No, I think it's about managing my finances a little better, and re-thinking my stance on the women in my life.

See, if anything, I should be flattered if women think I have potential. Maybe their disappointment stems not from their own issues, but my issues. Maybe if I showed more incentive than I do, they'd stick around.

I have a strong work ethic, but it doesn't always translate well. I always seem to be more cavalier than I really am inside. My emotions are always on lockdown, and when they get the best of me, it looks on the surface like a pure meltdown. This may dissuade any confidence they have in me.

Women need to be reassured, and I don't do a lot of that. In my mind, I know I'll land on my feet, but that doesn't keep the girls from worrying or fretting over me. They can't read my mind, they can't possibly know what I'm thinking if I don't tell them or share my feelings.

Eve and I had some moments where I let my guard down and showed her my true self, The Real Me. She probably felt that, the night of Nona's birthday dinner, I was putting up a front. She would be right to guess that.

Now that I've made peace with this issue within myself, I see things around me falling into place. I received an e-mail from Elle a few hours ago. She said that she is going to go with a producer that she's known for years. Evidently, guys like Mark only wanted to charge her exorbitant prices for studio work, and he offered a discount only if certain, um, demands were met.

Did I call it, or did I call it?

Now all I have to do is hear from Eve. I left her a few voice mails, explaining that I was not mad anymore and that I was waiting on her to cool down. I'm going to wait another two weeks before I call again. Eve has quite a temper, and I wouldn't be surprised if she was still mad at me at the end of the month.

But I think she'll be okay. I hope she catches my vibe, because I'm trying to put it out there, as much as I can.

Eve, I'm sorry. Talk to me, okay? In your own sweet time, of course...

HAVE A NICE WEEKEND, ALL OF Y'ALL!!