MONKEY SHINES

That funny movie, There's Something About Mary... the off-beat troubadour and his scrappy little band, singing Greek choruses in-between scenes?

Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers.

Jonathan Richman used to be a Velvet head, even got demos produced by John "Electric Viola" Cale, and the first eponymous album The Modern Lovers was like listening to Lou Reed as a teenager, before the heroin and the pussy dragged him down into New York squalor-abyss-bliss...

His drummer went on to play skins for a New Wave group. Maybe you've heard of them-- I think they were called The Cars? And the keyboard player switched instruments and took up the guitar-- his name was Jerry Harrison, and he ended up playing with some guy named David Byrne in a band called Talking Heads.

Jonathan abandoned garage rock and pre-punk, however, when he took a trip to Bermuda and discovered the joys of calypso music. He didn't start playing calypso-- rather, he picked up on the joyous vibe, which was in opposition to the dark, brooding, angst-ridden tunes of his early career.

I like Richman's upbeat stuff: childlike, innocent, nostalgic for the pure rock 'n' roll of the '50's, eccentric off-kilter vocals and Buddy Holly-esque guitar work... But today I'm listening to the first Modern Lovers disc, and it's a classic.


Some people try to pick up girls
And get called 'asshole'
This never happened to
Pablo Picasso
He could walk down your street
And girls could not resist the stare
So Pablo Picasso never was
Called an asshole...

--"Pablo Picasso", The Modern Lovers


You either love him or you hate him. His voice can put you off, sounding like a New England Rocky Balboa with marbles in his mouth. In recent years, Jonathan has taken voice lessons, but I like the out-of-tune timbre of his singing, the way it suggests how we all sounded when our voices cracked during puberty.

I suggest you go out and buy some Jonathan Richman, right now, this very second. If you don't like it, return it for store credit or resell it to a used CD store. Burn copies for your friends. Upload them in MP3 format onto your iPod or your computer. Whatever you end up doing with it, just buy some Richman, listen to it, and tell me what you think.


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I don't compete with other guys for the ladies' affections. My emotions make me impervious to the monkey shines of males in heat, performing courtship rituals as they search for mates.

I was at The Garage, writing dialogue for a new narration for the cartoon. Then, I left and went over to Elle's place. I was tired and wanted to go home, but I figured I should stop by and drop off a CD of songs from chick rock bands that I wanted her to hear.

Elle had said it wasn't necessary for me to be there, but I thought I'd stay for a half an hour and then bolt. When I arrived, there was a guy there-- a good-looking guy, a drummer the girls were auditioning. There was wine and wine glasses. The girls looked surprised to see me.

I know when a chick's trying to get their mack on, but what I didn't know was who was macking who.

Mark, the drummer, was a cool guy. He didn't try to compete either. He was mellow and didn't try to get the upper hand over me. But, I could see how Katie and Elle were fawning over him, laughing at his every quip no matter how marginally funny, hanging on his words like drapes...

He knew a lot about Pro Tools, and so he ran the session. I could see that Elle was a bit miffed at some of his artistic decisions, but she didn't speak up about them so I assume that she let him have his way out of sheer lust.

Do I sound jealous? I'll admit, at first I was feeling like I wasn't needed. But that had more to do with my somber mood yesterday, stemming from realizing that maybe all this time certain girls have been using me for my talents in order to get ahead.

Katie was kind enough to ask me if I was okay. I said, "Yeah, I'm just tired." Then I noticed her hair color: red, like Elle's but in a slightly different shade.

I complimented her, and she thanked me. "I did it to match Elle," she said. "After all, we're Siren, right?"

"Right." I sighed and sat down. Mark was going to town on Pro Tools, and I wasn't needed at that point.

As soon as I put my bass part down, I was ready to leave. As is my M.O., I announced my departure at the most unpredictable moment.

"No more wine? We need to make a run," Mark said.

"You two wanna go?" Elle asked me and Katie. She wanted to be alone with Mark.

"Doesn't matter to me, I'm leaving soon," I said.

"How?" Katie asked. "You have a car now?"

"No, the bus down the street runs all night."

"How about we all go together?" Mark said, being diplomatic.

"Okay," Elle replied. "James, you want us to drop you off at the corner?"

"Sure, why not?"

By the time I got downstairs and waited for the rest of them to come down, I had it mapped out like this: Elle wanted Mark, and Mark wanted Katie, and Katie probably wanted Mark but didn't want to move in on Elle's territory.

Did anyone want me? I don't care. What I do know, though, is that Katie likes me in a creative manner, which makes me feel good. She kept asking me to play guitar and jam with her, asking me to pick out pretty chords and fingerpick certain parts. She likes to play her viola, and she wants to constantly create new things. I think she gets bored with studio work, because of all the prep that goes into it.

I guess that if I really wanted to score points with dear Katie, I could always ask her to stop by my place sometime with her viola and just work on music. Nothing set in stone, just ideas being flung against the wall like half-cooked angel hair pasta. I don't know if I have it in me, though, and she might take it as an invitation to something more.

I'm a vain person (thanks to my Chinese astrological sign, the Water Ox) and so I don't compete with good-looking guys like Mark (who, it must be said, is a good drummer and a decent guitarist who makes great money) because I don't like the way I come across when I'm trying to outdo another male. If I'm focusing on trying to one-up somebody, I end up coming off as more insecure than if I were to let it slide. I can't fake confidence, in other words-- I either feel it 100% or I don't feel it at all.

But, I'm vain enough to feel flattered when a girl like Katie keeps demanding that I play along with her on my instrument, not telling me what to play but rather vibing off of what I bring to the table. I really appreciate that coming from her, because it means more, I guess. I don't know. After my realization this week that maybe I've been getting played all this time by my muses, it's reassuring to know that not everyone sees me as someone they can use for their own means.

Of course, I know deep inside that women don't see me as a moneybag waiting to increase in size, but I must admit that I never entertained that idea, and now I'm thinking about it a bit more.

I left around midnight. We piled into Mark's PT Cruiser. Nice ride. I was amazed that Katie let Elle have the shotgun seat next to Mark. She wanted to be in the backseat with me. But I'm not stupid enough to think that it's because she's sweet on me. No, I think it's because I'm one of the few guys who doesn't hit on her. She feels safe. She feels like I value her for more than her body, which is true. Cute girls come and go, but the smart ones, the talented ones-- usually they are also the crazy ones --stay in my mind for days on end.

Pablo Picasso never got called an asshole...

Tonight I return to the studio, and I wonder what the girls will ask me to do for them this time. Tomorrow, I jam with Boy Johnny and his band. Friday, I have no idea what I'm doing. Saturday will involve various musical chores with all of my bands, and Sunday will probably see me celebrating Sharky's 31st birthday with him and the boys.

I might post again later. See ya.