DESIRE

1. I have decided not to trash my links. The ones I have now are the ones I will usher the New Year in with, and I hope to add many more as the days go by. Also, I had to take down the Charlie Brown Xmas jpeg-- one of the disadvantages to this new blog template is that any time I try to post a pic directly onto the page, it pushes all of my links and side bar stuff down. I know there's a simple way to rectify this, but I don't want to risk losing EVEN MORE archives...

2. I made out with some cool-ass sweaters and shirts, some cash, a carrying case for both my glasses and my contact lenses, some gift certificates, and a portable MP3 player. It isn't an iPod-- fuck an iPod, I maintain. I'll wait until they are giving them away-- oh, wait a minute, they ARE giving them away! Every other Internet ad is an offer for a free iPod-- "type your name and win a free iPod" and stuff like that. I have nothing against Apple-- I just don't have the skrilla to drop on something that will be worth a fraction of its price in less than a year. In other words, even if I had the money to buy one right now, I'd still wait for the price to drop.

3. I had something of a "Christmas miracle" occur. Maybe "miracle" is too strong of a word, but it was straight out of some sitcom holiday special, and they usually refer to the events that transpire on those types of shows as "miracles", so I may as well jump on the bandwagon. Briefly: I missed my Metrolink train to Lancaster, thanks to a squirrelly holiday schedule that I neglected to keep up with, and so I took a cab home to Burbank, expecting to miss the family for Christmas. Later on, I went out to dinner with my homies Down Low and The Fiend, both of whom are Jews. Fiend, upon hearing my predicament, offered to drive me up to Lancaster, which is an hour from Burbank, up near the Mojave Desert. I couldn't believe he was offering this, until I realized that he drives a hybrid automobile and that a long trip would actually recharge his electric battery. Still, he wasn't obligated to volunteer a ride on Christmas Eve at all, and so I made it out to my family's house after all, thanks to The Fiend and his environmentally-conscious car.

4. I am very mad right now at the taxi cab dispatcher who told me that my cab would be ready in ten minutes... I waited for an hour and was late to work today. I called the dispatch shortly before they pulled their head out of their ass, and he told me that they got slammed by a delayed flight arrival at Burbank Airport. I shot back over the phone that the dispatcher could've told me this info over the phone before I ordered the taxi, but instead they guaranteed me a cab within ten minutes. I still tipped the driver, because it wasn't his fault, but suffice it to say I've had it up to here with taxis. And is it a coincidence that I just finished watching Collateral with Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx just a few hours before?

Okay, the small shit is out of the way. Now to the meat of my post.

Desire.

Is there anything as all-consuming, other than elemental forces of nature that mankind cannot even begin to wrest or grapple? Desire is the closest thing we have to a raw element, a resource within us incalculable in its depth.

Sometimes I think that desire is the only thing that keeps people alive. The things we want, the things we desire... those are very powerful objects to us. They are talismans of ancient energies, symbols of our transfixation with possession...

Over the course of a decade my desire for Eve kept her alive in my heart. That's the only way I can find to explain why, after all this time, we are reunited. I am not so naive as to assign it to fate or destiny, because as much as I like the idea of our futures being predestined, I am too much of a fan of FREE CHOICE to totally forfeit my right to live my life as I see fit. That also goes for Eve, who made a choice to leave me, who made choices to stay away, who has made the choice to accept me in her life again, and who has chosen to make up for the lost time through her generosity and caring...

Her holiday gift to me was what I was hoping for: an acrylic painting, from her hands to my heart. It was abstract, a figure of a woman running (or dancing, perhaps?)against a psychedelic backdrop of magenta and turquoise. I fought back tears when I saw it. It was beautiful, and it hangs on the wall of my living room.

Speaking of painting, Purple Paulie and Nona bought me four blank canvases for Christmas. Ever the benefactors, they know how much I want to start painting. My mother has a wooden easel that she said I could take with me. All I need now is paint, and I am on my way to starting a new life in the visual realm.

It is my desire to pursue this, and it is the desire of my friends and loved ones to see me take this path. For a long time I have longed for this kind of balance in my life, but only until recently have I had the foresight to deal with it.

Our longing is married to our desire, so much so that it seems almost impossible to tell them apart. I think the difference between the two is simple: longing does not demand action, whereas desire does.

All those years, crying over her, knowing in my heart that she was the only one I wanted, making the effort to see other girls but knowing that they could never fill the void, knowing that even as she stood by her choices, even she could not deny the love she felt for me, because it ran too deep to begin with...

I never gave up on her, even when I thought I had moved on.

I still can't believe it. It's quite amazing to me, when we are sitting there on my couch, or on her brand new bed, watching whatever movie she has insisted we watch together, it's amazing that we are even in the same room, laughing as if ten years hadn't come between us like a wedge, carrying on as if we were meant to be a couple, looking into each other's eyes and seeing something real, feeling something strong, kissing something soft and gentle...

I get phone calls from female friends, wishing me a Merry Christmas. Eve gets playfully jealous, and I do my part not to knock the balance out of whack. I politefully decline the invitations, the faraway flirtations, because I don't need to look any further than across the room, as she makes funny faces at me in an attempt to make me crack up while I'm on the phone.

I came home Sunday night, after hanging out with Down Low at his apartment, to see her car parked on the street in front of my place. She was stopping by, wondering if I was OK. I was happy to see her. Normally, the sight of a girl sitting on my porch, waiting for me to come home, would send me running in a beeline in the opposite direction, screaming about wanting my space and all that.

Instead, I smiled and hugged her, and she was glad that I came home in time.

Desire.

There is nothing stronger.

It can be a light when all others go out.

It can masquerade as Hope. It can propel a dream into reality. It can render the impossible quite possible.

My advice to you all, as the New Year approaches: do not give up on your desires. They are the purest part of who you are. Do not let them run unfettered and unchecked, because they will fuel you smack dab into the middle of destiny, your fate, your ultimate future, whatever you want to call it, and if you are not prepared for it you may end up getting devoured by the very same desires that got you thus far.

Heed my words. But more importantly, heed your desires.

PEACE