REHABILITATION

In my last post I talked briefly about the things we hold onto dearly vs. the things that hold onto us.

After living so long without Eve in my life, to deal with her recently is to try and see how she fits in my life as it is now.

I've been anticipating the moment when this would be addressed. To buttress the effect such a discussion would have on me, I've been trying to set the stage in order to prepare for a crash landing. I wanted the impact of inevitable reality to be soft.

I was dreading the day that we would have this talk, not because I didn't want to talk about it-- after what happened between us last weekend, a talk is long overdue. But my tendency is to overthink; I've been blissfully oblivious for the past two months. This is a new record for me.

I know it's all been running through Eve's mind also. Maybe if the results of her court appearance yesterday had been more optimistic, her take on all of this would be less gloomy. None of this can be very easy on her, and I've been trying not to apply pressure.

She called and said she's take me over the The Garage before she had to go to class. I had no real intention of going over to The Garage except to pick up my bass for band practice. I told her to stop by after work, to wake me up if necessary.

Around 6pm she stopped by. I was asleep and sprung out of bed at the sound of my doorbell, an obnoxiously loud buzzer that makes you feel like you did something wrong.

I had awakened from a dream where I was a aprt of some elite task force that was p[oised to save the world. Eve was the newest member, and I was showing her the new vehicle she'd be using to help us fight crime.

My dreams, as of late, have been bittersweet affairs. They are all about Eve and me, in some shape or form. They are unrelentingly sad and malformed. They have been the unspoken omen in the back of my mind from day one.

The dreams have been key in keeping me from falling back in love with her. I will always love her, and she will always love me, but I can honestly say that something like being in love is a lot more complex than one would think. I don't think I've been in love for a long time now and, as this thing with Eve has reminded me, maybe I never have been.

Anyway, she showed up and I was half-asleep, sitting on the couch, trying to open my eyes. She handed me a note.

"A letter?" I asked.

"Read it here, now," she said. "If you want to read it aloud, it's up to you. But you have to read it now."

"I take it you're not here to take me to The Garage like you said."

"No, I'm not. Now read it, please."

"You got it."

The letter said, basically, that she is happy with me, and that she loves me and recognizes the strong bond we have. She said that she knew why Dick was always so jealous of me, because of the effect I had on her. But she also said that she has a lot of bad karma catching up to her and it would only be fair to me if she told me right now that she doesn't want to lead me down the primrose path. She doesn't want to get my expectations up. She doesn't know what the future holds for us, and so she wants to proceed with caution and temper our affair a bit.

The note was like an extensive mind-read. She covered all the bases that I've been mulling over, the ones I've been trying to avoid thinking about. I am really not ready for ANY kind of relationship other than temporary flings here and there, and even though it's all been good, she has soooo much baggage from her dealings with Dick that I doubt right now would be the time for her to throw herself into something with me.

I agreed with the letter 100%, but it was the way she chose to end the letter that had me intrigued.

She wrote that, if I concurred with her, I should wink at her, and then tear the letter up and burn it, right in front of her. If not, she would take the letter back.

I winked at her, tore it up, and she handed me the lighter. That's how I felt as well, so it was a no-brainer. But I had to wonder if she was really doing this for my benefit, or if this was some way for her to deal with the fact that she is not going to be free of Dick's influence in her life for some time now.

You see, the court never served Dick with the restraining order and the subpoena. He is nowhere to be found. He is homeless, and cannot be traced as of yet. So when she went into court yesterday, they told her there was nothing that could be done until he was served. Another court date was set. She wasted half a day from work and had to make it up that evening.

Yesterday, while she was at court, I got to thinking about the whole thing. And I reflected upon a piece of advice that my brother had given me on Thanksgiving, a piece that I kept in my mind, one I didn't bother repeating in my blog or elsewhere because I didn't quite understand what he meant. But I knew it would be important.

He said, "There's two sides to every story."

That's all he said. I had no idea what it meant at the time, until I started to ask people who knew Dick what kind of person he was before he went south.

Everyone said the same thing: he was quiet, mellow, didn't speak unless spoken to, polite, a bit of a follower...

And now, he's a raving mess.

I can't help but think that Eve did this to him, and that she knows it, and now she is paying the price for it.

Eve was the first and only girlfriend Dick has ever had. She de-virginized him. They hooked up because they had both alienated their core group of friends, and found drug-addled solace in each other's company. Their nine-year relationship was fueled by their mutual love of methamphetamine. And of course, Dick would do whatever Eve wanted, because he was sprung on her.

According to Eve, things went bad when he started to stray. He cheated on her. He was seeing other girls on the side. This angered Eve, because of all the time she devoted to him, only to have him turn on her.

I was thinking about what would turn a mellow, polite, soft-spoken guy into a raging maniac who would beat on his girlfriend for hours. My only answer was: he was sick of her trying to control his life.

And now that she has turned on him, he wants that back. He regrets trying to shake her loose, but she is not having it. So now you have someone who will not take 'no' for an answer because it's not on his terms. And Eve has to be the one to deal with it. It's not my problem. I'm not the one who got him into speed. I'm not the one who built all of this up in him. I barely know the fucker...

In fact, yesterday I found myself feeling an enormous sense of pity for him. This guy, who everyone contends would love to kill me, was eliciting my sympathy. I actually felt bad for him. He was just a straight Mormon kid who'd been home-schooled unti he was 15 and whose father was dead when he came to our high school. He was not a spectacular personality, but he got along fine with the other kids because he let them take the lead. He went from shy, nervous boy to speed-snorting ruffian in a very short time. He succumbed to the peer pressure, and Eve had him wrapped around her finger for a while.

I mean, I got off lucky, as far as Eve is concerned. I was just haunted by her. But Dick is cursed by her, and he isn't taking it very well.

All the friends who were there for him when it was all fun and games, when the coke and speed came freely and everyone was high... those friends are gone. They have deserted him, and he has no one to back him up.

I started to feel a little angry at Eve, for mucking this poor kid's head up. He was the perfect accomplice to her crimes, and he never questioned anything. That's why she fought so hard to keep her relationship with him intact. I mean, she left me for barely hinting that I could cheat on her; he actually cheated on her, and she put them in couples counseling.

It's a control thing, and I realize that Eve, for all the love we have for each other, can never control me. Even if I were to relinquish control, there is so much chaos in my everyday life that I doubt she could ever get her head around it. I am irascible, ornery, and hate to be pegged. No one can pin me down. Eve is no exception.

A long time ago, I confided in someone that the worst thing Eve ever did to me was to love me back. What I meant was that I saw how she treated the guys whom she wasn't in love with, but with whom she felt a special bond. It seemed like she was nicer to the guys she wasn't in love with than the guys that she was in love with. It made me wish that she had never loved me, because then I would be getting more out of it, in an ironic sense.

The funny thing is, I've been very vocal about my intentions with her, moreso than I thought. I haven't censored myself when talking about other women, for example. Eve knows that I have a jones for Katie, the violinist in my band. I frequently make references to Jeanie, my last steady girlfriend, when explaining something that happened to me during the five years Eve and I were not speaking to each other.

So when she gave me the letter, and it burned up, I was surprised at how sad I suddenly felt. She was reiterating things I was feeling all along, and yet I was sad. Maybe there was a aprt of me that was secretly hoping it all could be flawless. But the practical part of me has been expecting this, and so as much as the impact had on me, by the time I was at rehearsal it was gone.

I had cushioned the blow by telling myself, for the past three weeks, not to make the same mistakes I made in the past. Not to overthink, overanalyze, or expect anything. And I think I did a bang-up job, because after the initial bummed-out vibe, I was okay.

She left, and said we'd probably see each other tomorrow, but it still felt like some form of rejection. That passed quickly, however, when I got to the Garage and had Ellen pick me up for rehearsal. I was nice and high, and seeing Katie again reminded me that I am living in the present, not the past.

This time I wasn't so shy with Katie. We talked about her play, and I told her I was determined to go tomorrow night even if it kills me. I asked her about it, and she seemed to be pleased that I was taking an interest. She loves the attention.

She is a sweet girl, but I can already see it's going to be an uphill battle-- she loves to flirt, and probably will have several different suitors showing up with roses for her curtain call.

Afterward, she told me to wear "something bad-ass" for our show on Monday.

"What do you mean by bad-ass?" I asked.

"You know... like all leather. Or just something that doesn't make you look like a nice guy, like the boy next door."

"I think that can be arranged," I told her with a smile.

She smiled back. And for that minute, I was seriously like, "Eve who?"

But of course, it's never that simple. Like I said earlier, maybe if the court hearing hadn't been so bogged down in red-tape, Eve would've had a different reaction. I was certainly getting a vibe from her before her court date that suggested she was thinking about us seriously again, and I think that this letter-burning gesture is a way for her (in her mind) to put a kibosh on the whole notion before it gets too unmanageable.

I say this because, at one point, I said, "Yeah, you know, don't feel bad about not feeling in love with me. I feel the same way about you, Eve. God, I love you more than anything, but I don't know if I can ever feel in love, with anyone..."

Her response? "Oh, well, you shouldn't say that. You never know what you're going to feel later on down the line."

That doesn't sound like someone who is concerned that I am falling for her. It sounds like someone who is concerned that she is falling for me and that I'm not falling for her. It sounds like someone who is covering their tracks, because they realize that they have a nine year-old mistake reminding her of bad choices made every chance it gets. It sounds to me like she is insecure, and that she really does need to be on her own for a while, handling her problems head-on, tying up the loose ends once and for all.

I won't deny her that. Besides, I need a break. She has put a lot on me in the past two months. Hell, I didn't expect to be talking to her about Dick until after Thanksgiving-- she laid that shit out on me after one week!

And I hate to admit it, but having sex with her has been something of a pacifier for me concerning her. I feel like I got something out of it, for all of my trouble. Is that a horrible thing to think? I feel a bit guilty about it, but then again so did she. My only question now, as a man, is if we're ever going to repeat it... If I play my cards right, maybe we will.

And then there was the offer, through Ben from the old band, to go and work in Australia for nine months. If that goes through, then I won't have to worry about going away and leaving Eve here. I was concerned that she would not want me to go if things progressed further between us, but now I know that I am free to do what I must. Nothing can hold me back, if this deal goes down like it might.

So, to sum it all up, the closure I've been seeking is well underway. This is all a part of it. We have had our ups, and not a lot of downs, so we may as well make sure we are both on the same page. I know, deep in my heart, that I can keep things platonic between us, but I wonder how much of what she is feeling is based on the stress incurred by Dick's behavior.

Not to mention: if I had a worn-out cliche for every time a girl told me not to get too attached to her, only to have her be the one who started to cling... well, I'd have a stack of Jerry Bruckheimer scripts in my possession right now.

I think I'm doing better at this than I originally imagined. I thought I would be putty in her hands by this point. I'm holding up well. My rehabilitation continues. She and I are still on the fence about so much. I can live with it, but for how much longer? And how cool would I really be right now, if Eve suddenly went back to Dick, or found another guy with whom she felt in love with?

I probably wouldn't be this cool about it, to be honest. But that's why I'm not taking any chances. Tomorrow night, I'm going to go see Katie's play, even if I have to take the bus alone, and afterwards I'm going to ask her out for a coffee. If I can get at least one half of a minute alone with her, that will be a triumph. I have a feeling she is going to be flanked by many potential wannabe-lovers, and that I'm going to have to surprise her if I want to get her to notice me above the others.

I love a challenge. Doesn't everyone?