REALITY

Wrapping up some loose ends that I forget to mention:

I called Holly Golightly the other day. For those who forgot, thanks to my deletion of my Archives, Holly was the lead singer of the band Deja Vu, a band with which I spent the better part of a year playing bass. There was much sexual tension between Holly and I, but I never gave in.

Holly reminded me of Eve, before I got back in contact with her, and I credit my relationship with Holly for giving me the perspective to get back in touch with Eve after a pentad.

Holly left this city in a huff, jaded by the L.A. lifestyle. She was an Orlando, Florida transplant who came to California in search of fame and fortune. All she found was frustration and heartache. Now she works on country music in Orlando, occasionally teaching Sunday school at her church... a far cry from snorting coke with rock guitarists and getting guys to buy her drinks in Hollywood clubs.

I called her to see what was going on. She claimed that she had been thinking of me right as I called. I used to buy that shit, back when she and I lived mere blocks away from each other. I don't buy it anymore. If she has been thinking of me, why hasn't she been the one to call me ever since she left?

I told her all about Eve, about how she and I are back together somewhat. Holly knows the story a little bit-- I told her all about the Sharky and Eve thing one night last year, and she couldn't believe that I was still friends with Sharky after all of that. I told her it was more complicated than it seemed.

I told Holly that playing in the band helped me in many ways, which is true. It made me realize that I had been denying myself a lot of things in the creative department. I owed it to myself to go out there and give live music a try again. It was Holly's determination to get something going that sparked my creative fires once more, and the band that I'm in now with Ellen and Katie is a direct result of playing with Holly and the guys.

Holly was glad to hear that I was doing well. In her voice, however, I detected a bit of what made our relationship so unbearable, a hint of affection that she could never allow herself to feel for me. I was good to her, patient with her, supportive of her, but she could never see me for what I had to offer. All she could see was the guys with money, designer drugs, and bar tabs. I smoked pot, didn't drink, and never had any cash on me, but I was there for her up until she finally alienated me for good by turning our creative bond into a business arrangement. I would wager to say that she lost it all the minute she lost me, because I wasn't in it for anything except the love of art. I was the last holdout, the one who hadn't been appalled by her behavior, but when she crossed the line and treated me like an employee, I let her have it. Our relationship, after that point, dwindled to nearly nothing.

It's a good thing she and I never hooked up. She taught me a valuable lesson, one that has helped me in my dealings with Eve: never give anything of yourself if the other person is too guarded to reciprocate.

I think Holly got a little jealous when I told her how great things have been, but she has no one to blame but herself. I was willing to give my all for her, and she took it for granted. That's how it is with a lot of women, Eve included. There was a time when I would've died for Eve, but she didn't seem to appreciate it. Now, Eve has finally realized what I had to offer, what I still have to offer, but it took a long time to come around to that. I don't know if Holly would ever see it that way, but I could tell that she felt a bit off-put by my words. I was, in effect, telling her, "Look what we could've had, Holly, if only you hadn't been so shallow."

Meanwhile, Eve is constantly amazing me with her devotion. She attended a Christmas party with her acting class, and had the decency to call me up as she was re-entering the Valley. She asked me if I wanted a ride to the bus station. I was so thrilled. I said "yes". She picked me up and dropped me off in Universal City, then went home. I thought it was a sweet gesture, once again an example of not having to do it for me but doing it anyway.

Holly was kind also, but it was conditional. It all bordered on how much I was willing to put up with her. Holly wanted to be a star, had daddy issues, and didn't like competing with other women. If she ever had feelings for me, she kept them so squelched inside of her that it confused me. Her kindness came off as insincere affection, the kind of flirtiness that she could lob at anyone at any given time.

She never made me feel special.

But Eve makes me feel special, and I try my best to return the favor. We think alike, we have the same goals and dreams. We have similar outlooks on life. We are cut from the same cloth.

But I also cannot forget that, once upon a time, Eve was just like Holly. She didn't see what I had to offer. I'm one of those guys who doesn't try to sell himself, and only after the passage of time do women I'm involved with realize what I am worth. I say this because, at my core, I am still the same person, with the same values intact for the most part. I don't change much. When I do change, it is in significant ways, but the one thing I hear often is that I am still the same person I used to be. This may sound bad, but I see it as my fixed qualities asserting themselves. In other words, you can count on me to be me, always and forever.

I stay the steady course, and after a while past loves and flings see that I have always been sure of myself, certain of my destiny, of what I want out of life. That can have a soothing effect on people around me, because it makes them feel that there is at least one thing in the world that hasn't been beaten down by the harshness of living.

I can guarantee you right now: no matter what I am doing to make my bread and butter in ten years time, I will still be writing, drawing, making music, thinking politically to the left, and sticking it to those who uphold the status quo. Those things will not change, unless I am somehow brainwashed. The various females in my life will marry, have kids, and try out different careers and lifestyles, but I will be me, no matter what. They can set their watch to me, if they choose. They can rely on me to stay solid as a rock, never wavering, always standing my ground.

This is my promise to the world, that I will never turn my back on the things I stand for, because they really do mean something to me. None of this is a pose, or an affectation-- it's real.

I'm real.

Have a great weekend, folks!