HARD-TO-GET

Right now I've got Disc Two of The Beatles (aka "The White Album") playing in the CD drive. I have a slight headache, but not because of "Revolution 9"-- to tell the truth, I like that nine-minute piece of cacophonous noise. I can only listen to it during certain moments, though, and Halloween counts as one of those occasions.

No, my headache is due to drinking red wine. For those who don't know, I am allergic to alcohol. Beer and wine fuck me up really badly-- my skin turns red, my body temperature rises sharply, and my heartbeat accelerates. When I drink clear liqours like vodka or fine tequila, I can metabolize it a little better, but I still have to nurse my drinks.

I'm a cheap date, what can I say?

I spent All Hallow's Eve with an Eve of my own, but it was purely platonic, in the sense that I am not trying to get it started with her again. I am keeping my distance, and my wall is firmly in place, although I am getting more comfortable with her as time goes by.

I don't think she wants me romantically-- I think she just needs a friend, and friends are hard to come by for her lately. If she hadn't alienated almost every last one of them, she might have more around.

We were supposed to have dinner Friday, but instead we got some work done at the Garage. I asked for a raincheck. She seemed disappointed, but she understood. Paulie and Peter were getting testy with each other, in that way that only brothers can, and I had to be on hand in order to massage all the necessary egos.

We rescheduled for Sunday. To celebrate Halloween I wore my orange fleece, in addition to my customary black jeans and shirt. When Eve saw me, she said I looked like a pumpkin. Then she handed her cel phone to me-- it was her biological mother, who I'd always gotten along with, and who I hadn't spoken to in a few years.

We ordered pumpkin pancakes from the IHOP menu and talked. We swapped screenplay ideas-- I told her about Alfred Jarry, she told me about her idea for a horror movie set in Baker, on the way to Las Vegas.

I have come to understand something about Eve, something that I always detected in her but could never fully understand because I lacked experience when I was younger. I finally have got it through my head that Eve is incredibly insecure, and compensates by putting on a tough front. I mean, I always knew this, but my reaction was always along the lines of pity. Now, as an adult, and after all we've been through, I have more sympathy than pity, more knowledge than guesswork.

She misconstrues my body language and words, often thinking that there is some sort of veiled hostility behind my statements. I used to laugh it off, but I think it makes it worse when I do that. What I failed to realize up until recently is that laughing at her insecurities only reaffirms them. I mean well-- my laughter is an attempt to diffuse the nervousness, not exacerbate it --but she is always going to take it the wrong way, no matter what my intentions are.

So I have been trying to make an effort to be less responsive to her little neuroticisms, believe it or not. If she says something like "I'm boring you, aren't I?" rather than say "No, it's all good, you're not boring me," I now say "God, I'm half asleep here!"

She craves that reaction, and it is a more positive reaction in her mind. Weird, I know, but also very human.

She is distrustful of people, so she tends to disbelieve me when I give her compliments. Instead of trying to make her see it from my POV, I use reverse psychology and go to the opposite extreme. For some reason, this makes her feel more stable, more secure. I can't explain it, really. It's just one of those things.

Breakfast was exceptionally good at IHOP-- I don't know why, but the eggs were tasty and well-prepared. IHOP is one notch above Denny's in my estimation, so it came as a surprise that the breakfast actually contained some flavor.

We went to Sav-On to get a pumpkin cutter, then I told her to give me a call if her Halloween plans feel through.

I spent several hours re-arranging my living room set-up, so that I could have all of my entertainment items in one all-encompassing package. I now have linked my TV, DVD player, VCR, turntable, and stereo system together, and I wonder why I didn't do it sooner.

Lo and behold, Eve called me around 6pm. Her plans collapsed, and she told me she was coming over to my place, to cook me dinner and carve a pumpkin with me.

I haven't cooked Item One in my kitchen since I moved in, so it was up to her to break it in. She made spaghetti and garlic bread, and I gleaned a few cooking tips from watching her prepare the meal. I always liked her cooking. Like her artwork, she puts a lot of thought and care into creating it. Like her artwork, it comes naturally to her.

She brought the red wine, along with some candy in case I received trick-or-treaters. Dinner was sumptuous, and we watched The Simpsons as we supped, using my dining table for its original purpose, for the first time EVER.

I was disappointed to learn that the new "Treehouse of Horror" episode was slated for next week, not this week. And we were bummed to find that Burbank is a dud, as far as trick-or-treaters go. The only costumers who came up my block were a pair of teenagers who looked like they were shrooming or on acid or something. I don't even know what they were supposed to be dressed as-- we unloaded the majority of the candy on them. Eve and I ended up carving the jack-o-lantern for the fuck of it, and took a stroll to Blockbuster to rent some scary flicks.

I know, this is where things should have heated up, right? Well, that's not the game I want to play anymore. Remember, this girl scarred me for years... in many respects, I'm the girl in this situation. She has to win back my trust, not the other way around. I'm not the one who trampled all over her heart like it was nothing.

Besides, Eve never "worked" that way, if you know what I mean. If I'd made a move, while we reclined on the futon, in the dark, our eyes glued to the TV screen... well, that would be routine stuff. Par for the course, standard issue seduction, nothing to write home about. My only motivation for making a move would be sexual, and I'm trying to avoid that right now because, in this situation, I am the girl, and I don't want to be a hoe. I need to stand my ground.

If she had hit on me, then that's different. It's also more along Eve's lines. Therefore, I have to be a neuter around her, but it's hard when she shows up to breakfast looking like a million bucks and cooks me a wonderful dinner.

I've gotten better at reading her signals, but I'm also trying to deny our natural chemistry. I find myself slipping easily into informal banter with her, and it's so tempting to want to punctuate my feelings with a peck on the cheek or a lingering hug. But I'm the woman, and I have to play a little hard-to-get for the time being.

I keep wondering how I ended up in this Twilight Zone of emotion, and then I recall that I was the one who instigated it, with a phone call. Funny how, after all of this time, I called her just as she was on the verge of leaving Dick. But I won't call it fate, because I just have peculiar timing.

For example: I went into a pet store on Friday, to get some flea repellant for Otis. I walked into this shop knowing that the woman who works the desk, Andrina, is an old neighbor of mine from my Sherman Oaks days. I wanted to see if she still remembered me.

Andrina is in her late forties, with a Scottish accent and a gentle Piscean nature. She is a bit psychic, and is into holistic healing and aroma therapy. She reminds me of a female version of Robert Plant-- I can close my eyes and imagine her saying, "Does anybody remember LAUGHTER?" without a trace of irony.

She was happy to see me, and then proceeded to tell me how her husband, Chris, kicked her and her teenage son Alex out of the apartment. She had to move rapidly, and was barely getting herself sorted out. I never did like Chris-- beneath his smile lurked a meanness, as well as a lecherous lust. He was always hitting on Jeanie when I was living there, and even though Jeanie was utterly repulsed by Chris, it still didn't rub me the right way when he would throw his lines at her. He didn't respect the fact that she was my girl, and so I always viewed him with suspicion.

Turns out I was right about what an asshole he really is, and I'm glad that I never fully trusted him.

I wished Andrina well, and gave her my number in case she needed a shoulder to cry on. Nowadays, women need all the help they can get. There's way too many jerks out there, hurting their lovers and abusing them, taking them for granted. Of course, it's a two-way street, and I know how infuriating women can be, but it's nothing a little patience can't remedy.

I should know. Right now, I need Eve to be patient with me.

You have to understand one thing: Eve and I dated for two years, but most of that time was spent apart. She was perpetually grounded, resorting to sneaking out of the house whenever she could. We never had a truly private moment at any point in our relationship. I used to sneak into her room and worry that her dad would wake up to get ready for work and bust me as I slept in her bed. Sometimes we'd walk out to the elementary school near her house and make out until it was time for her to be back home. I didn't have a place of my own until the end of our relationship, and even then I was sharing space with Purple Paulie, which virtually guaranteed that she and I would never have any time together.

In other words, this is the first time that she and I have actually been 100% alone with each other.

In the past, we were always at someone else's house, trying to maintain a bond that was slowly losing its focus. We never really got to know each other as people. And after we broke up, when she ran away from home, I knew it would be a long time before she and I would ever see eye-to-eye on anything.

So Halloween was sort of bittersweet, because we were having fun and rediscovering each other, but there were the spectres above us that we must deal with: I have to be prepared for the possibility of her going back to Dick; I have to be prepared for the possibility that she is attracted to someone else; I have to deal with the possibility that I might not be able to get past the past.

Of course, Otis worked his feline charms, lounging next to her as we watched John Carpenter's The Fog on DVD. There were a few moments when we were both petting him and our hands caressed each other. I played coy and slowly pulled mine away, because as much as I would really love to share that with her again, I think I might be more fragile than I thought.

The red wine was making me loose, so I went into the fridge and grabbed an Arizona Lemon Iced Tea in a tall can. In the darkness of the room, I cracked it open and offered her a sip.

Eve thought it was a beer. "I thought you were allergic, dude."

"This is Iced Tea," I said.

She laughed. "Sorry, wishful thinking..."

I wondered if she had a plan to get me drunk in the near future. If so, then my fate might be sealed before I can do anything to steer it clear. Because, as any true player knows, the best way to get a hard-to-get girl in the mood is to get her drunk.

And if she succeeds, then I might lose control, and I'm hers.

Luckily, it was getting late and she had to go home, to get some sleep. She had to get up early for work, and I had to stay up because of my ungodly work hours. I thanked her for dinner and told her to drive safe.

Tomorrow, we work on animation. I sure hope I can keep being this even-tempered, because Lord knows that I still have reservoirs of love stored up in my heart, all for her. I never really stopped loving her, but I'm definitely not in love with her right now, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Any advice?