SO WHAT AM I LEARNING?

I am learning not to ask any questions.


She was late to the Garage, and I knew why. I'd called her cel, and the mailbox was full. Many messages, all from the same source. Whenever it gets like that, I know why.

Flustered she arrived, head down and apologetic. She apologizes for everything. I no longer say "it's okay" because I'm not even sure what "okay" means anymore.

After we worked, I took a smoke break. She called her brother. I overheard her mentioning that she'd been followed by a cab. I didn't say anything.


I am learning to accept what is given to me freely.


She told me everything at dinner. She picked up the bill, even though I pushed a tenner her way. "I probably make more money than you," she said, but I know it's her way of saying "Thank you for not leaving me by myself to stew over this."

We were driving to her place but I thought she'd said we were going to mine. When I told her to turn left, she said, "Oh, you want to go to your place? Okay." We watched Aladdin on DVD as swirling whirpools of pot smoke shimmied in the lamplight. Otis, who is doing fine now, curled up on my lap and let me pet his gentle fur.

She didn't even ask me-- she just dropped me off at work. I didn't ask her to do it-- once again, her way of showing appreciation.

I walked in to work, grateful in my own way.


I am learning to judge less and listen more.


She regaled me with tales of doing body shots off the cleavage of a drunk stranger in New Orleans; she told me about drinking rum and flashing men in the hot tub during Oktoberfest (while partying with her mother, no less!); she recalled a story about smoking PCP with some guy that she and her boyfriend-at-the-time met at a 7-11 in North Hollywood; she reminisced about friends she had to lose, and enemeies she wished she hadn't made...

Not too long ago, these revelations would've made me turn pale. But now I see them as proofs of living a full life. I can't fault her for wanting to push it to the limit, wanting to have a good time. She never whored herself out or went too far, and she tells the stories with pride and enjoyment.

Plus, I know that she has a lot to prove. She thinks that I need to be impressed. But she doesn't know that what really impresses me is how she keeps on going, despite the bullshit.


I am learning to be patient.


I barked some orders at her today when we were working. Sometimes I push her off of the console and show her how to do something. Other times, I let her sweat it out. She gets frustrated, and I calmly show her what she is overlooking. When I provide the answer in a clear, concise manner, she calms down, and gets centered. As long as I am centered, she is centered. When I am off-center, she spirals out of control. But I know for a fact that I can live off-center. She thinks that she can, but I suspect it takes a greater toll on her than it does on me.

I don't apologize for my bossiness. She is the same way, when she is working with others and must train them. She expects nothing less from me. I expect her to go above and beyond what is expected of her. This keeps her sane, at least for now. She could come undone at any minute, what with phantom taxis trailing behind her as she makes her way home, where she doesn't want to be found.


I am learning to be myself again.


During dinner, when she vented about how she wished he would just leave her alone, I sat there in deep thought. I thought about what a mess she was in, and how nothing I could do or say would make a difference. It was just one of those things that she would have to weather, if she was serious about not throwing the book at him. She knew what she had to do, and if she didn't want to do it then there was no way to force her.

She looked at me and said, "Look, there's nothing you can do about it, so please don't think that you can..."

I interrupted. "I'm not thinking about what I can do," I said. I sipped my coffee. "Believe me, I'm not thinking about that."

I changed the subject and cracked jokes about our jubilantly gay waiter. I know who he is because when I lived across the street with Jessica, she and I would stop in all the time and eat and get served by this flaming Latino who had a crush on Bro Man. Every time I go in there he always asks me about Bro Man, and I laugh whenever he does. He cheered us up, with his fey ways.

As we got up to leave, I thought to myself, "See? There is something I can do about it..."


I am learning how to read the signs.


As we watched Aladdin, she turned to me and said, "You know what we need to do?"

"No, what?"

"We need to take this movie over to my house, in the daytime, and watch it on my big screen HDTV. But with your sound system."

"Yeah, your TV and my sound system would be a great match, wouldn't it?"

"It would be awesome, dude," she said, finishing her cigarette.

"What are you doing Saturday?" I asked.

"I guess we already know, don't we?"

No, I don't, I thought to myself. Then, I thought some more, and suddenly I said to myself, Yes, I DO know...

Like I said before, we'll see how all of this pans out.