MY AIM IS TRUE

I must have been more tired yesterday than I thought-- I didn't realize that I posted that bonus blog three times.

This graveyard shift is killing me slowly. Today, before I leave work, I'm going to make some inquiries. I have a feeling that I will have to endure this at least until the end of the year, when the guy who normally does this shift is done with school and can change his schedule back.

With the car gone, it's been a bitch. Today, I got off of work and took a bus to the Metro Rail, the L.A. subway. From there, I took another bus straight to my front door. I went to sleep almost immediately, and slept so soundly that I reneged on my agreement to meet Eve at her work at 5:30.

I woke up at 6pm, rested but momentarily jarred, thinking that it was 4am or something like that, thinking that I was late for work. I knew I was late for something. I called Eve as soon as I could.

"Hey, where were you? I thought you were going to meet me at work."

"I know, I'm sorry. I fell asleep and didn't set an alarm."

"I called you at 5, and left a message," she said.

"You did? I didn't even hear it. I must've been out like a fuckin' light."

"Yeah, I bet. Anyway, I just got home."

"Just now?" Eve doesn't live that far away from her work. "Why so late?"

"I was driving around for an hour, in circles."

"Oh," I said. "Dick was following you again?"

"Don't know. He started calling me from a pay phone in the area. I decided that I was going to take the long way home, just to play it safe. But I wasn't sure if it was you or him."

"I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry."

"It's all good. It's better that you didn't show up. He was probably across the street. Who knows what he would have done to retaliate, if he'd seen you?"

"True... but the whole reason why I was supposed to meet you at work was so that you wouldn't feel unsafe."

"He probably would've caused a scene. It's better this way."

"Well, if you don't want to be alone, I'm here, Eve."

She came by, with more dinner items, more beer, more X-Files DVDs. We sat around, smoked, enjoyed ourselves as we joked around, and tried to take our minds off of her situation.

Just so you know: it is really no bother to me to keep her company as she tries to scrape the residue of the past decade off of her shoes. Even if I didn't have an enormous amount of love for her, I would do it. For my female friends, when it comes to guy trouble I am always on their side. And lately, it seems like Eve is not the only one with guy troubles.

Katie, the fiddle player, was dumped by her longtime boyfriend en route to a rehearsal; my friend Flora, who left her husband of eight years a few days before 9/11, is still dealing with a man in denial of the facts; even Eve's mother, who remarried in 2002, saw her marriage hit the rocks when her new husband tried to put himself between her and Eve's sister.

The male ego cannot let certain things go. It's one thing to lose your house, your job, your friends, and your fortune, but when a man loses his woman he may as well lose his mind. I know from experience. The only difference is, I didn't go crazy and start stalking my girlfriends.

I have too much sympathy for the plight of the modern woman. She is expected to be successful but also subservient, independent but also deferring, worldly yet chaste. Men have unrealistic expectations for their women, and it causes women great stress.

I agree with what John Lennon once sang: "Woman is the Nigger of the World." We make her paint her face and dance.

Many of you have commented on this blog about this whole Eve thing, but I also know that some of you have probably read this and held your tongue. You are most likely shaking your heads and predicting disaster. I can see why you would take such a stance-- it seems fraught with doom, the whole enterprise. That possibility is not lost on me.

The way I see it is: Eve and I have always been attracted to each other, but what's going on right now is more of a closeness forged by our respective situations than anything else. I needed to close things out with her. She doesn't want to be alone right now, not with Dick dogging her at every turn.

We are using each other, really.

I was really close tonight. I could've made a move and I might have gotten something out of it, if that's what I was looking for. We were lying down on my futon, arms around each other, her hair in my face, Otis the cat reclining next to me and vibing off of our body heat...

I weighed my options: I had to be at work, and she offered to drive me, but we were both falling asleep. Eve didn't get a good night's sleep the night before, thanks to me, and I felt bad. So, despite the obvious direction we were headed in, I went out of my way to accomodate her.

"Hey, if you want to take a nap, go sleep in my bed. I'll kick it out here while you get a little rest." I didn't want to share the bed with her, because otherwise we wouldn't have gotten any shut-eye. We can reserve bed-sharing for a night when neither of us have to wake up early to go to work, like this upcoming weekend.

She set her cel phone alarm for 2am and stole off into my room. I watched that new dance show on late-night TV and smoked a cigarette. I kept thinking of the words to a song by Elvis Costello...


Oh, it's so funny to be seeing you after so long, girl
And with the way you look, I understand that you were not impressed
But I heard you let that little friend of mine
Take off your party dress
I'm not gonna get too sentimental
Like those other sticky valentines
'Cause I don't know if you are loving some body
I only know it isn't mine


It bears noting that I sang this song to Eve when we were first becoming friends in high school. One day somebody brought a guitar to school, and when it was discovered that I could play I was asked to perform by all of my friends in the Theater Arts class. They requested The Beatles, The Smiths, The Cure, and then someone asked me if there was any particular song that I'd like to sing.

I wasn't always an Elvis Costello fan. The advent of the '90's saw me discovering what a terrific songwriter he is. And having just bought the My Aim Is True album on vinyl that year (1992, for those who must know) I decided to sing the song from which Costello took his debut album's title.


Alison, I know this world is killing you
Oh, Alison, my aim is true

Well, I see you've got a husband now
Did he leave your pretty fingers lying in the wedding cake?
You used to hold him right in your hand
I bet he took all that he could take
Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from talking
When I hear the silly things that you say
I think somebody better put out the big light
'Cause I can't stand to see you this way


As I laid on my couch in my living room, I thought about those words, that music, Elvis' voice... I thought about how prophetic that song was, for Eve and I. Here were are, years after the fact, and suddenly the sentiments of that song do more than echo-- they comment almost precisely on everything that has happened between us, and they sum up how I feel, very prettily, very succinctly.


Alison, I know this world is killing you
Oh, Alison, my aim is true
My aim is true
My aim is true
My aim is true
My aim is true
My aim is true
My aim is true
My aim is true
My aim is true...


I managed to get an hour of sleep before waking up on my own and getting ready. I put all of Eve's refrigerator items into a box. I packed up her DVDs and rounded up my own things as well. I jumped in the shower, and when I got out I had five minutes to spare before her alarm went off.

I leaned over her in the bed and kissed her on the cheek.

She drove me to work, and I thanked her for being so kind. She responded by thanking me for letting her crash at my pad. I told her to think nothing of it, that I would do it for her anytime she needed it. I was still feeling bad about not showing up at her work at 5:30. Lord knows, if I'd seen Dick across the street, maybe I would've lost it and made a scene, but I still felt bad for not coming through like I said I would.

Sorry, folks, but it isn't as cut-and-dried as one would think. I wish it could be as simple as just jumping into the sack and professing our love for each other, but I know what I'm doing. I'm taking it easy, I'm taking my time, but I'm also trying to make progress. And if you ask me, going from no communication whatsoever to what we have now, in the span of a month or two, is a lot of progress.

Like the song says, my aim is true. It's all so real, it can be overhwhelming... but I still manage to hit the targets every time.