THE NATURE OF THE BLOG

I want to take a break from navel-gazing to talk about writing online.

One thing that blogging has done for my writing is that it has helped me to be economical. I can get to the gist briskly, whereas when I was writing in notebooks I tended to go off on superfluous tangents. Believe it or not, I have a tighter rein on my words with the blog.

However, blogging is tailor-made for the first-person narrative, and so my attempts to do prose or fiction seem to fall flat. I am never really satisfied with how the fictional stories come out when I post them. Granted, I haven't tried to do that much since I deleted the old Archive, but that's because the first-person post is a given in the (blech) blog-o-sphere. It's like a preset-- built-in, hard-wired to the very core of blogging. In fiction, it seems like a sin to merely write from the first-person, an indulgence on the part of the author; With blogging, it's a sin NOT to use the first-person.

Thus, I feel that I've become a terser writer but at the cost of perspective-- if I can marry the leanness with something like, say, the third-person narrative (the traditional story framework of most fiction: "John Doe walked to the door" as opposed to "I walked to the door") then maybe it will all have been worth it.

As a result of my blogging, I have completely abandoned notebook writing, which is a cause of concern for me but also a logical leap.

Another thing: With blogging, pretty much everything is a first draft. Sometimes I rewrite, but it's usually to correct spelling errors or phrase things in a clearer fashion-- editing, really. The only occasion that truly warrants a total rewrite is when you have labored over a post and consequently lost it in cyberspace-- this happens all to often with computers. When's the last time a steno notepad crashed on you?

I also notice that, although I get pretty candid, I am not always forthcoming. That is to say, I seem like I'm showing you more but really I'm showing you less. I reveal personal details and scenarios that might make others blush or feel icky, but it's not even close to what I'd really like to write. There's a freedom that comes with writing for oneself instead of for an audience. I'd like to get more ribald, more controversial, but I risk alienating the precious core of readers I have managed to corral this far.

I know that I could write anything, no matter how embarrassing or negative or twisted. Whether I should actually click on that "publish" icon, though, is another thing.

If I know that someone in particular reads my blog, I have a tendency to not mention them as much. And if I do, I try to be respectful. Unfortunately, that takes away from some of the power of the writing-- there might be an unflattering detail that needs to be emphasized, but my fear of offending or embarrassing my online friends makes me docile. No one likes to read personal shit about themselves in a forum like the Internet, but I want to be as candid as possible. It's a tightrope wire that I have never really had to walk until I started blogging.

Before blogging, I wrote about others without fear, and if they ended up wanting to read what I wrote, there was always a feeling of apprehension, as if I were handing them a weapon by which to off themselves. On the other hand, blogging forces the details to be public, and I must be very selective. I might go into detail about Eve, for example, but what I've told you about her is stuff that I think she would be okay with the rest of the world knowing. And I've made sure to fictionalize enough of it to ensure that I am not invading her privacy. But isn't it already an invasion of privacy, to base this character on someone I know in real life?

Somneone e-mailed me once and asked me if I was afraid that certain people would read my blog and what I said about them. I answered no, because (1) the people who I write the most about definitely do not go online, not even for e-mail (2) everyone who knows me knows that I'm a writer, and that I take situations from real life and add on to them, and (3) I haven't revealed anything on this blog that would make someone feel betrayed. I have not broken promises to keep secrets, I have not violated any vows or oaths of silence.

And yet, I have revealed things about myself that most people avoid talking about. That's because I'm weird like that, and I made a decision long ago that I would always dissect myself the most when it came to writing about real people. That should explain why I tend to obsess and rant and ramble on about certain themes in my life-- it's done out of a lack of external material that I'd feel comfortable with savaging and pillaging.

I use a razor when I write about others, but I wield the surgical scalpel when I'm being solipsistic. My first-person narrative style is like reconstructive plastic surgery, performed more as a necessity than a service.

In short, it's just a different set of rules. Blogging has limits and allowances that are sometimes at odds with the way I normally write, but that's a good thing. I need to be able to adapt my style so that it's not so stale. But blogging tends to drill it into you, because of the fact that once you click "publish" IT'S OUT THERE, and even if you have the option of deleting it, you will probably end up writing something similar further down the line until you are self-programmed to not write deletable posts in the first place.

It's a sort of conditioning. Over time my writing has slightly transformed. And I risk being pigeonholed by this new style that is emerging from me. I don't want to be trapped by the nature of the blog.

I take writing very seriously, but not enough to get my shit together and start trying to get a publisher to notice my work. Blogging helps me to fulfill this pipe dream, where I imagine that everyone in the world is reading my words and sighing pleasantly. The reality may be far from that, but that's what writing for a perceived audience does to you-- it eggs you on to find something that will fill the DEMAND.

In my case, there is little demand, compared to people who are famous for their blogs. But that's all good as well, because even though I am being selective now, it's nothing compared to how selective I'd have to be if my blog were hugely popular.

So I'm enjoying it now, while I can.

Tomorrow, I will resume the self-absorbed tirades and hackery. Thank you for your time.