A CONVERSATION WITH THE DARK SIDE OF MY SOUL

This weekend, I took some time out to thank God.

Say what?

You heard me.

James, you're not... you're not a Christian, are you?

Fuck no.

Then, why are you thanking God?

Because who else can I thank? My family? They all believe in God, way more than I ever will. They go to church every Sunday, read the Bible once a week, and pray before every meal. Any thanks I give to my family goes to God by proxy.

Wait a minute, back up here-- why are you thanking God in the first place?

I woke up Sunday morning and realized that, all throughout my life, I have been placed in harm's way by many factors (myself, the actions of others, bureaucracy, etc) and every time I have managed to come out of it with something I can use, something that helped me later on down the line. And lately, things have been good for me: getting the car, working on creative projects, enjoying my work, living in this quiet part of the city... I also have my health, my friends, and my family supporting me and making me feel welcome. And who do I have to thank for that? Me? No way, I'm my own worst enemy.

So you are thanking God? That's pathetic.

Why not? I spend more time cursing God than thanking God. I figure it this way: I owe God some thanks, for all the times I told God that he/she/it doesn't exist, for all the moments when I turned my back on what God wanted me to do, for all the occasions where I was sure that there is no God...

You sound like a fool.

I am. What else is new? I was a fool when I told God to shove it, and I'm a fool to thank God for everything I have. No matter what I do, I'm a fool, and I'm happy to be a fool, if it means being me and not you.

What do you have against me, James?

I don't have anything against you. You are my darkest impulses, you represent all that is bleak and hopeless... and yet I know that is the role you must play. I don't begrudge you for doing your job. But don't you see how little it matters what you think of me? If I cared about looking foolish, I would give up on art and settle for a good-paying, soul-sucking job that left me feeling empty and vacant by day's end. But do you realize how happy I've been ever since I got laid off from the old company? I mean, the first five months were an all-time low, but I rebounded, and it all got better because I refused to lay down and let it all wash over me. And now, I'm very happy.

But that happiness will not last. And why are you thanking God anyway? You should be thanking yourself.

Because I always thank myself. I have no problem giving myself credit for things I've done. Shit, I give myself credit for things I haven't done. I'm a narcissist, this is my nature. I figure, this time I'll give someone or something else the credit for the bliss I have achieved. Granted, my life isn't perfect, but it is managable and tolerable and I am not upset with my station in the world.

So, why thank God? Why not Allah, or Buddha, or Satan? Why not Zeus? Why God?

God is all of those things. God is everything we humans were never meant to figure out. John Lennon once sang, "God is a concept by which we measure our pain." Alfred Jarry once said, "God is the tangential point between zero and infinity." Whatever we theorize about God-- that he exists, that he does not exist, that he is dead, that he is a sadist, that he is a monster, that we can or cannot know his ways, that he is a man or a woman, that he is asexual, that God is perfect --we are far from the mark always. It's a useless preoccupation to ponder the secrets of God.

If it's useless to ponder God's secrets, then what are you doing with this blog?

Participating in a useless exercise. Not everything we do in our lives must be riddled with meaning.

So, you consider giving praise to God meaningless?

Yes.

Yes?

Yes.

I don't understand you at all, James.

Don't try. You and your prejudices against religion will only make you go nuts over it. I have said before that I am not religious, because religion has nothing to do with our relationship to what is known as God. I also said before that I am not irreligious either, because I see zealotry and bias in the agnostic/atheistic community that rivals and sometimes surpasses the hate that so-called Christian groups espouse.

So where do you stand?

I stand wherever my feet happen to be planted at the time. And right now, my feet are standing on the ground that God created. And when things in my life change, so does the ground beneath me. And right now, the ground beneath me is fine and sturdy. And all I'm doing is realizing that, in the past when my life has been this stable, I never ever say to God, "Thank you."

When's the last time you blasphemed against God?

Last month, during the heavy rains. Read my last entry for En Mass titled EVERYONE'S WORST NIGHTMAREto find out what caused me to curse God.

And the last time you thanked him?

At the end of last year, when I was hanging out with Eve and Bro Man. I had a good feeling, and it compelled me to thank God for re-establishing my ties with Eve.

It would really make you feel good to know that God really exists, wouldn't it?

Well, yeah... think about it. If there is a God, then he'd be the coolest thing ever. He could make anything happen. He could create or destroy something with the snap of his fingers. He could perform the best magic tricks ever. But the problem is, everyone is afraid of him. And I can't understand that. The rest of the world hates and fears him. Even the ones who claim they follow him do so out of fear of retribution. Luckily, I got over all of that years ago. Now, I see my relationship with God as something that only he and I are in on. I can say whatever I want to him, and he can do whatever he wants to do to me.

So you have no fears of being struck down by lightning?

Take a look at the Bible sometime. Look at the people God was friends with: King David, a man who sent his friend Uriah out to the front lines of battle so that he could fuck his wife Bathsheba; Moses, a dude who grew up thinking he was Egyptian, only to go on to lead the tribe of Israel our of slavery... and to be denied entrance into the Promised Land because he lost his cool one day in the desert; Paul, formerly known as Saul The Christian-hating Roman, who was blinded and converted to Christianity and spent the rest of his days writing angry letters to any church that would read them...

Your point is?

These people are NOT saints. Some of them were pure scum, to be sure. Therefore, God doesn't seem to be a picky entity. He doesn't love me or hate me-- he has to respect the fact that I don't kiss his ass, but he also wishes that I'd give him a little credit just once in a while.

Do you talk to God?

All the time.

What do you say to God?

I usually tell him the latest jokes that I've heard.

And what does he tell you?

He doesn't "tell" me anything. Instead, he inspires me. He will reveal a beautiful sunny day to me as I'm driving, or he'll illuminate one note in a song that I like, or he'll cast the light on a woman in such a way that I see into her soul and discover what it is that she feels.

You're crazy.

What else is new? Tell me something I don't already know.

I hate to rain on your parade, James, but there is no God. He is an invention of men, used to control other men, and religion is outdated-- it has no relevance.

I agree with you.

You're just saying that to spite me.

Yes, that's true. That's why I'm agreeing with you-- to spite you.

That's not very Christan of you.

And it's not very un-Christian of you to be telling me how to live my life, is it? And as for being Christian.. fuck being a Christian! What about being who I am?

(noticeable silence)

I thought so. Do me a favor, Dark Side of the Soul: next time you want to make me feel bad for feeling good, come prepared with some ammo. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go outside and smoke a cigarette and lust after nubile young ladies with my sinful eyes... and God is going to know what I'm doing, and I'm the one who will deal with the repercussions, if there are any. Got it?

Got it.

I knew you'd understand. Care to join me?

I thought you'd never ask.