MIRRORS

In the plaza of the Galleria where my office is situated, everything is covered with a reflective surface. There are lots of glass doors, plenty of windows, and even some of the steelworks have shiny, embossed sheens where you can clearly make yourself out enough to fix your hair or adjust your shirt.

It is a world full of mirrors.

Today, I am using it as a metaphor for the narcissistic society that we live in. Even as I try not to gaze upon myself in the mirrors, I am still prone to it by virtue of wearing dark, reflective sunglasses.

I noticed today that I use the mirrors to look at other people. Yes, I do tend to look a little longer at myself when I catch a glimpse of me, but then I fix my attention on someone else in the mirror frame. It is my way of looking at people without looking at them directly.

If I see a hot girl (and with the 24-hour gym located next to the movie theater, there are more than a fair share of those), I can look at her through the mirrors without feeling like a dirty old man. However, once I am aware of my lechery, I look away.

And that is the big difference, I think, between my narcissism and the narcissism of others: I am acutely aware of my self-absorption. And it bothers me sometimes, to be so vain, to be so solipsistic.

Can I say the same for others?


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Yesterday was Eve's birthday. She is now 28. She and I have been keeping our distance but we are on somewhat friendly terms. I called her before I went to work and left a message on her answering machine.

She didn't call me on my birthday, and as much as I wanted to get her back for that, I decided not to stoop so low.

I had plans with Elle and the band, and I had plans with Paulie at The Garage. But by the end of my work shift yesterday, I decided to revolt. I went home, straight from the office, without calling anyone, lest I get roped into stopping by the studio or The Garage against my will.

Sometimes I feel like I give and give of myself and get nothing in return. I am a bass player who is paying money out instead of getting money for his work. I am an aspiring animator who is working alongside people who don't want it as badly as I do.

That's the story of my life-- no one ever wants it as badly as I do. They all have things to fall back on, but all I have is the love of creating. And that is no consolation during moments like these, when I want to move on to the next level and everyone else cannot see the hurry.

I went home and called Elle, explaining my situation. She told me that it was okay because the session had been canceled anyway. So, in other words, if I'd kept my end of the bargain, I would've ended up going out to the studio for no reason. This only made me feel vindicated in my decision to flake out.

Paulie called me up, because even if there was nothing to do he still wants me to hang around. That's because he hates half of the people he has to deal with at The Garage, and he knows that I am not there to leech off of him or waste his time. But I had to explain to him that I wasn't feeling it, and he understood.

I converted a bunch of Kinks songs to CD, as well as some more 45s and a few 12" singles. Around a quarter to 9, I called Eve on her cel phone. I got the voice mail, but I didn't leave a message. I don't know why I called her a second time.

She called me back an hour later, drunk as hell and ranting. Her old-ass computer was about to die-- it kept telling her "FAILURE IS IMMINENT"... Then, she talked about how she had two auditions coming up that would pay her handsomely. Then, she went on about how she's getting old, and how hard work is, and all that. I barely got a word in edgewise.

She said, "I appreciate you calling me on my birthday, even if I had to call you back to hear from you." I said nothing. She had seen my number on her cel phone, and I had not left a message. She was driving home from going out with her co-workers and had not heard my answering machine message yet.

She kept on talking, making no sense. We talked about inconsequential fluff. Feeling like I was just there for her to vent on, I finally got the courage to ask her if she wanted to do anything with me for her birthday.

She said, "No, I'm trying to let this one pass. It's not important. My parents are dragging me out to do stuff, so I have to do that. But no, I don't want to do anything for my birthday."

This pissed me off. Why did it anger me? Because it's the main problem between us-- she thinks she is being humble and modest, but really she is punishing me for my narcissism... by being narcissistic herself.

You see, when she got mad at me in January for not giving her due credit on the animation, I had no idea that she was feeling that way, and she let it simmer and stew inside of her until she decided to not call me on my birthday. And in a way, this is the inverse of that moment-- she has no idea how angry she makes me by dismissing my wish to at least take her out for her birthday. It makes me want to get her back, by cutting off her N-supply, by doing something to make her feel as bad as she makes me feel...

We're both narcissists, trying to make the other bow down. We're not happy if we cannot use the other to mirror our precious self-images. Whether it is Eve telling me she'd rather not celebrate her birthday with me, or whether it is me telling her not to lend me $100 to pay my gas bill, neither of us can give up on our preconceived notions of who we are. And we end up hurting each other because of it.

I went to bed last night quite angry. The only consolation was the mix CD I'd made, of songs that I had on vinyl.


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On a seemingly unrelated note:

No matter whether you think O.J. Simpson is guilty or not, everyone must admit that the late Johnnie Cochran was a hell of a lawyer. His closing statement at the end of that trial will go down in history and is probably being studied in law schools all over the country.

I liked Johnnie Cochran. He was a great lawyer. There was a time in my life when I wanted to be a lawyer, and for all of my love of arguing, I think I would've been pretty good at it. However, I knew it wasn't easy work, and so I decided to pass on it. But I always respect a good lawyer, even if the rest of the world feels ambivalent about their role in society.

I was just like you once-- I believed O.J. was guilty at first. Given the circumstances, it looked pretty cut-and-dried. O.J. ran from the law, had a history of abusing his ex, and looked like he was capable of double murder.

I always wondered why O.J. didn't plead guilty and use as his defense the "crime of passion" ploy. It would've reduced his sentence to involuntary manslaughter if his lawyers could prove he acted impulsively, and he would've done five to ten years tops. I felt that his plea of "Absolutely, positively, 100% not guilty" was kind of ballsy. He was straight-out denying any liability or guilt.

A couple of things changed my mind:

1. The glove didn't fit. That was the pivotal moment for me. I even tried to reason with some of my black friends, who were on O.J.'s side, that he could've held his hand in a certain way as to make it seem like the glove didn't fit, but ultimately I had to concede the point. The fact is, the prosecution was saying this was his glove, and it didn't fit on his hand. That is what is known as reasonable doubt.

2. Mark Fuhrman taking the fifth. All you non-L.A. motherfuckers don't even know how corrupt the LAPD is. You read about Rampart, you read about Rodney King, but you don't really know about it until you live here and deal with the jakes firsthand. They are a racist gang with badges, and they brainwash their own to keep the Code Of Silence intact. It was no surprise to hear Mark Fuhrman's voice on that tape, saying "nigger" this and "nigger" that. I hadn't heard that much use of the N-word since N.W.A.'s Efil4zaggin album first came out. And I remember the day of testimony when F. Lee Bailey asked Mark Fuhrman if he'd ever used the N-word. I knew it was a trap, and I was intrigued by the tactic. It was good lawyering, the kind of stuff the prosecution should've been doing.

Let's face it: if Chris Darden and Marcia Clark had been O.J.'s attorneys, he'd be in jail right now.

3. The closing statement. A spectacular example of courtoom rhetoric. Cochran pulled out all the stops: he used humor, subtle outrage, and appealed to the common sense of the jury. Isn't it funny how juries who hand out unfavorable verdicts are always accused of being "dumb"? It happened recently with the Robert Blake trial, where the D.A. (of all people) called the jury 'stupid'. This offended the jury, of course, because they are not privy to the spectacle and media circuses that everyone else is treated to, and they cannot be expected to make the same decisions as the Court Of Public Opinion.

Cochran blazed his name into the history books with the famous line, "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit". I actually stood up and applauded when that line came out of his mouth. It was stunning, masterful, brilliant. I compared him to Clarence Darrow, and all of my friends were amazed that I had been won over by his speech. They all looked at me and said, "Yeah, but O.J.'s still going to jail," and I said, "Don't count on it now."

A bit of trivia: Cochran was not O.J.'s first choice. The first lawyer Simpson consulted was Howard Weitzman, another high-profile L.A. attorney. Simpson didn't like what Weitzman had to say, so he sought out Robert Shapiro, who brought Cochran in along with Alan Dershowitz, F. Lee Bailey, Barry Scheck and Robert Kardashian-- the "Dream Team". After about a month, Cochran was running the show, and I think it's because Cochran understood the racial implications of the case. He knew that America wanted to lynch another nigger in the old-fashioned sense, but not with a rope-- this time they wanted it on camera. And Cochran, who has had experience with African-American clients being railroaded by The System, wasn't going to go down without a fight.

Yeah, say what you want about the ensuing civil trial and settlement, but I still spell Amerikkka with three K's. And that's the reason why people still smart over that verdict to this day: they wanted to see a nigger hang by his neck, and they didn't get their wish. This one had too much money and too much clout. And after years-- no, decades-- of African-Americans getting strung up to tree branches while their white assailants walked away scot-free, it's only karma that O.J. Simpson was acquitted.

No one wants to admit that. This country needs to take a good, long look at itself before it passes judgement on Simpson, who did what anyone else in his position would've done. Don't tell me that anyone else would've just turned themselves in-- that's a bunch of bullshit and you know it. Even if you consider yourself not racist and tolerant and all that, if you believe that O.J. was guilty then you were hoping that he would get his just desserts.

People are mad and say that O.J. got off because he had money. So? If he didn't have any money, he would've been awarded a Public Defender, and he would be in jail right now. Is that any better? Is that somehow more fair than the alternative? All I know is, O.J. is broke right now, but he is free, and in America, any black man will tell you it is better to be free and broke than rich and in jail.

What this trial taught me was that the maxim "innocent until proven guilty" is a wise one to live by. I didn't presume his innocence before the trial, and I can admit that now. Before the trial began, I just wanted to be on the winning side. Ironically, I ended up on the winning side anyway, by looking at the facts of the case.

Only time will tell if it was a just verdict. I have a feeling that the real story behind The Trial Of The Century, like the JFK assassination, will be a labrynthine maze of astonishing audacity and corruption, when the full details finally reach the surface. Don't sit there and act like you know the deal, because you don't. None of us do. I bet you even O.J. doesn't know. And fortunately for O.J., Cochran didn't seem to care either way-- he just wanted to do his job and get his client off the hook.

R.I.P. Johnnie Cochran, the man who got Geronimo Pratt off the hook for a crime he didn't commit, among other things. Like William Kuntsler, the man who defended the dudes who tried to blow up the WTC in the early 1990's, he felt that everyone deserves representation in this country, no matter what we feel the price for justice should be. Whether or not he was in it for the cash or the fame or the notoriety of the cases, Cochran was The Best at what he did, and you can't hate on him for that.

After all, it's what this country is supposed to be about: being The Best at what you do...