THE FROG AND THE SCORPION

I am learning about Narcissism.

The Narcissism List has shown me an enormous resource archive of information related to Narcissism.

It is a serious personality disorder, as serious as histrionic or bi-polar disorder. However, I have to be careful-- I don't want to deny that I have Narcissistic tendencies, and I also don't want to embrace symptoms that I do not possess.

For example, my Narcissism is mainly passive. I think it is referred to as Inverted Narcissism, but it explains why the Internet has been such an instrument for my unbridled rage. The Internet is the ideal locale for Narcissists, because it involves the formation of a False Self. Narcissists invent False Selves in their pursuit of attention, or "narcissistic supply".

Also, I have a tendency to seek out other Narcissists, which qualifies me as not only an Inverted Narcissist but a Codependent Narcissist. This was the most amazing revelation, because I have never really pondered the notion that the people I make friends with are the same as me. Narcissists tend to see themselves as unique, but if they seek out other Narcissists, it reinforces a sense of being "right"-- if I have a problem with someone, I have other Narcissists around me to indulge me in supply. Likewise, they also seek me out because I supply them with the same attention, but in the exchange both Narcissists equally feel that they have gotten something out of the other, and not the other way around.

I was loathe to think that I surround myself with likeminded Narcissists, but that's because, in the List, they warn that Narcissists tend to blame others for their shortcomings and project their flaws onto others constantly. I want to know more about this disorder but I don't want to misdiagnose myself.

It explains, though, why I have such difficulty cultivating long-term love relationships: I tend to gravitate towards female Narcissists. We spend our time together bumping heads over who is more special. Amy Coates was the most extreme example-- she could not possibly fathom that she had met someone just as vain as her, if not more. Eve is another Narcissist, who has expressed her disbelief time and time again over my self-absorption and lack of empathy.

I don't mean to blame them, because I am just like them. Rather, I simply recognize that I actively pursue relationships with fellow Narcissists... perhaps to make myself feel better about myself and my awareness of the problem?

Finally, my father was (and still is) a Grade-A Counterdependent Narcissist. This has rubbed off not only on me but on my younger brother. My father is the type of person who, when prompted to recall what you just said to him, will probably not be able to quote you. That's because he was busy thinking of the next thing he was going to say, as opposed to truly listening.

I think that growing up with such a pronounced Narcissistic influence in my life has actually helped me to be more aware of my own condition. I strive to not be like him, and I find that most of my personal frustrations stem from my acting in a manner not unlike my father's childish, self-centered demands.

It's not curable, by the way. Narcissists don't change, because it's the base of their identity, their personality's make-up. There's that old anecdote about the Scorpion riding on the Frog's back to cross the lake: the Frog is reluctant but reasons that, if stung by the Scorpion, the both of them will drown, and the Scorpion, wanting to preserve himself, would not dare to sting the Frog. So the Frog gives the Scorpion a ride... and he stings him anyway.

As they both sink into the water, the Frog asks the Scorpion why he stung him, and the Scorpion replies, "Because I'm a fucking Scorpion, you dumb motherfucker... that's what I do!"

On the plus side: the Narcissism List acknowledges that Narcissists can contribute positively to society, even if their personalities are, at the root, anti-social. If their energies can be channeled into helping civilization make progress, then their efforts are welcomed and warranted... provided, of course, that the narcissistic supply is kept flowing.

I thought I knew everything there was to know about it, and I find that I don't know anything. This feeds my ego in some perverse way. It is just the way that I am.

Tomorrow, I will post my second chapter in my weekly online novel. Have a nice evening, all.