FUNNY ONION HEADLINES

Two days ago, I was regaling patrons of Paulie's Garage with a fanciful conspiracy theory of mine.

As a hobby, I come up with my own crackpot theories, so as to keep from dying of Boredom, which happens to be The Biggest Conspiracy On The Planet. I don't fear the Masons, the CIA, the Rosicrucians or the Bilderburgers-- I fear the people who think John Tesh and Kenny G should go on tour together forever.

Anyway, my wacko theory, formulated over a decade ago in my mind, is that Michael Jackson died during the ill-fated making of that Pepsi Commercial in the '80's, the one that burned his hair and started the ball rolling on his weirdness.

I figured that the Jackson family had so many relatives and siblings that there had to be one Jackson brother who wasn't talented enough to make the cut, entertainment-wise. And when the world's biggest pop attraction died on a sound stage in the mid-80's, the remaining Jacksons wanted to keep the cash cow mooing along, and they picked some unknown member of the Jackson clan to take Michael's place.

Of course, nowadays a dead pop star generates more revenue than if they were alive, but no one knew that back then, just like how Michael didn't realize that (if he had waited for the technology to improve) he could've had the best plastic surgery done once and ONLY ONCE, with no return visits to the chair save for some retouching.

The brother or cousin who took MJ's place had more plastic surgery done to hide his true identity. And he was taught how to imitate MJ's moves and voice, just like any number of impersonators have done over the years.

Then, he started releasing crappy albumns like Bad and Dangerous...

Big Block Rick, one of Paulie's friends (and also the protagonist of our animation), is a firm believer that Jacko is innocent, and he didn't like my jokes at all. But I prefaced it all with, "It's just a crackpot theory of mine..."

Well, that crackpot theory is now the front page headline of the latest issue of The Onion...

Didn't I mention something yesterday about being a visionary? And isn't it true that The Onion updates their "news" on Wednesdays?

The question now is: When is the rest of the world going to catch up to me?