ATTENTION

What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin who'll burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble
I'll never fall in love again
I'll never fall in love again


She called me early Saturday morning to tell me she had the latest work available for me. I was groggy and surprised to be hearing from her because lately she and I have been keeping a friendly distance. Of course I wanted to see her, and she said she'd stop by.

She walked in, her eyes to the floor, her hair pulled back and her face as lovely as the first time I ever laid eyes on it. I must've looked like a damned fool, in my lazy boxer briefs and my uncombed hair matted into the shape of a conical Mohawk. I sat down at the computer and took a look at her work. So detailed, so complete... she took something that I had thrown together in Photoshop and made it into a digital work of art, not a masterpiece but a minor miracle nonetheless...

We shared a few laughs. I like her laugh, because it embodies the word "mirthful". It is more like a low-pitched giggle, like a hum emanating between tightly closed lips. If something is hilarious, she'll open her mouth wide and guffaw, but I prefer her quiet hum-giggles, akin to the cartoon character Barney Rubble but less Neanderthal.

I asked her if she was hungry; she said, "I could be." What the fuck is that supposed to mean, I asked myself. Sensing that she was going to decline, I told her that I was going to pick up my friend Down Low and get some food, and that if she wanted to come along she could. She said she had to be at her brother's place nearby, but I suspect that, if I had invited only her, she would've come with me.

I asked her about her ex, and she said that he called her recently to let her know that he has found a new girlfriend.

"Did he say that to make you jealous?"

"No, I think... I think he said it to let me know that he's moved on, in a weird way."

"I can buy that. Men have no tact when it comes to that. In some strange way, yes, you might be right."

She saw a painting on the wall and asked me if it was mine.

"No," I said, "that was done by The Gypsy. He gave it to me. I haven't started painting yet. I haven't had any time."

I appreciated her asking me about the painting. One thing about Eve that I like is that she asks about those kinds of things, and it tells me that she is still interested in my life and what I do with it. Unfortunately, it always catches me off guard and I end up sounding like it's not a big deal, even when it is.

I wanted to kiss her and hold her right then and there, grab her by the shoulders and throw her onto my couch and lean in close, sliding down her neck to her collarbone, making my way back up to decorate her mouth, fingers through the hair gently, my right index finger tickling her jawline...

Instead, we said our goodbyes for the day, and maybe some day soon she and I can sit down and talk about what we mean to each other. But for now, she's still getting used to being on her own, in her own apartment, with her own job, driving her own car and living her own life, and I have to let her have that. I must let her have that, because it isn't fair that I've had all the time in the world to cultivate this for myself and then to expect her to come along for the ride without having anything to show for it for herself...

I have been meeting new girls here and there, but in a very real sense I'm waiting on her, and as long as it doesn't get me down I think I can handle it.


*/*


What do you get when you kiss a guy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia
After you do, he'll never phone ya
I'll never fall in love again
I'll never fall in love again


Down Low and I hung out at his mother's fiancee's house in the Encino Hills. We had brunch with his mother, the fiancee, his aunt, and his cousin Jamie outside on the patio overlooking the southern part of the Valley.

Jamie is 21 and cute but not drop-dead gorgeous. Low told me that she looked "ethnic", code for saying she looks Jewish. He also said she has low self-esteem, because she is a party girl and wants a boyfriend but is too "easy". I told him that she will figure it out eventually, and as long as she doesn't get involved with a bad crowd she will be fine.

Jamie was born in Cleveland, Ohio, and was raised in the Detroit suburbs, isolated from the harsh reality of the streets but exposed to the banal boredom of the middle-class. At a young age she learned that men wanted to sleep with her, and so she has done what most teenage girls have done: ditched school, experimented with drugs, had sex, and tried to fit in.

When I saw her, I could tell she wanted my attention. I can always tell when a girl wants my attention, but it's not the same as lust or desire. The wanting for attention is something they are not aware of, something in their eyes that they cannot hide, no matter how good of an actress or how they act on the exterior. I confirm this by catching them sneaking glances at me. She is curious, because she is moving to L.A. in two months and wants to know what to expect.

I know what she can expect: insincere pickup lines in bars, competing with impossibly made-up women, lying men and cheating boyfriends, narcissists and ego trippers, the shallowest of the shallow, one-night stands that end badly, exchanged phone numbers with no callbacks...

When I speak in a conversation, I know how I sound: educated, intelligent, informed. This helps girls like Jamie to open up to me. But what catches them by surprise is how much restraint I show, how many questions I ask, how many times I offer them the opportunity to talk as I listen.

I have no intention of making a move on Low's cousin, but if she ever needs a guy friend to talk to, I would be more than happy. If I knew a guy who'd be good for her, I'd arrange it. If I had any advice to give her, I'd offer it. There's something about a young woman, unsure of herself, anxious to get out and live a life, that touches a soft spot inside of me.

There's a line in The Godfather about how only women and children are allowed to be carefree. But it seems to me that, nowadays, the cares of women and children surpass those of a man, in many ways. Yes, they may be allowed to be carefree, but are they able to spend that allowance?


*/*


Don't tell me what it's all about
'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm not
Out of those chains, those chains that bind you
That is why I'm here to remind you:

What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
So for at least until tomorrow
I'll never fall in love again
I'll never fall in love again
I'll never fall in love again


I received a phone call from a female acquaintance yesterday. She wanted to know if I'd go see Dave Matthews with her in August. I said I would, even though I don't really listen to him. I dislike his singing voice, but over the years I've come to appreciate his guitar playing.

This girl and I have never been intimate, and in many ways I am the man she goes to when she is tired of the other men in her life, the ones who only want sex, the ones who play games, the ones who leave her high and dry. If she has to go somewhere and doesn't want to show up by herself, she calls me. Likewise, I call her when I don't want to show up stag to an event.

She asked me about Eve-- the last time we talked I mentioned that Eve and I were back together. I explained the situation and she seemed to be understanding. Then, she proceeded to tell me about her dry run, how last year she met 6 different guys but this year has been a bust so far. I listened but I must admit that my attention wandered, due to smoking some weed known as The Garlic that had my nostrils flaring and my head spinning.

I was supposed to go to some housewarming party with this girl on Saturday, but I had to flake out because of my cousin Pete's surprise party. Pete's girlfriend ordered a stripper-- how could I resist?

I guess I could always try to make a move on her one day and see where it goes, but let's say that I did and it worked-- where would that leave us? I would be just another guy who wanted to get some and who said what was necessary to get it, and then I'd be on my way. I don't want to do that. I've had enough of that, especially when I hear about how these "sure things" she hooks up with always go sour.

She's my age, and she still hasn't figured it out yet. Maybe if she made someone wait, they wouldn't be in such a hurry to leave after they get what they want.

I can wait forever, though, and it looks like that's why women trust me. They know that I just don't give my love to any old girl, despite my willingness to do so. They know, from talking to me, from candidly hearing my hopes and fears, that I am a shelter for them. I want nothing from them. Maybe they wish that I would demand something from them, to make them feel "sexy" or "desirable", but that's exactly the problem: they keep falling for that fallacy, they keep thinking that getting a man to pant and drool over them is some extraordinary accomplishment.

It is not. To arouse a man is not some sort of science. It is rudimentary biology. It is simple chemistry. It is easy.

If this girl really wanted to make me happy, she'd tell the next smooth operator down the line that they have to wait. I don't forsee that happening any time soon.

So, for at least until tomorrow...