DON'T KNOW JACK

There's a new radio station on the air in L.A. It took the place of Arrow 93, the classic rock station. It's calling itself Jack 93, probably because they jack the past Billboard charts for their playlists.

Taking a cue from such successful experiments as Pirate Radio (remember that piece of shit, people?) and Indie 103 (which has been doing OK, despite the reliance on emo crap), the ad campaign has a lot of 'tude: Their slogan is, "We play what we want!"

I guess what "they" want is songs from the '80's and early '90's, with the occasional contemporary hit to spice things up.

I know every song on their playlist. When I worked at the other radio network, we had some "flashback" shows that catered to these very songs. Basically, any song that "Weird" Al Yankovic ever made into a parody at the height of his fame is on the playlist.

Actually, I would rather listen to an all-"Weird" Al station than Jack 93, but for the nostalgia factor you can't beat this new station.

I also know every song on the playlist because I grew up on these songs. Unfortunately, these are the songs of my youth. As much as I would like to claim that all I listened to was hardcore punk and college rock in the early '80's, the fact is I was in grade school when these chestnuts first aired. Therefore, I was into Top 40 radio. That meant Rick Dees, KIIS FM, and songs like After The Fire's version of Falco's "Der Kommissar" or Scandal's "The Warrior", featuring the other Patti Smyth, the one who spelled her surname with a y...

The cool shit came in 1984, when I discovered rap, punk, and Prince all in the same summer. Up until that point, it was The Greg Kihn Band, Cyndi Lauper, and The Eurythmics (who, it must be said, were actually way cooler than we preteens deserved)...

Anyway, maybe I will break down and buy an iPod... not for the cool gadgetry, but for the Podcasting ability. Then, I will launch an all-"Weird" Al station. The first broadcast day will consist solely of his polka medleys. I don't know, something about the way "Hey Jude" sounds with a polka backdrop... it's positively magical!

One last thing: I consider the '80's the worst time in my entire life. I was still under the impression that I should "fit in", and everything I did or thought was cool turned out to be a cheap, Reagan-era hoax.

I think movies like Donnie Darko and Napoleon Dynamite are reactions to this curious strain of rose-colored fondness for that decade. It's as if those movies were made for people like me, who really remember how awful the '80's were. Living through it once was enough for me, thank you very much.

I hate the '80's with a passion, see no need for a revival of that infernal decade, and yet here I am, driving in my car, tuning in to Jack Move 93 because I still have Arrow programmed on my stereo. Sometimes a song that I really like-- Dexy's Midnight Runner's "Come On Eileen", for example -- will play, and I will have to hold my contempt for another selection... perhaps "St. Elmo's Fire" by an artist that even a useless-triviahead like myself has forgotten the name of, or maybe even "Young Hearts" by Rod Stewart, the kind of song that makes you wonder if "Maggie May" was a fluke.

God, I hate the past... so much pain... time to copy some vinyl onto CD...