DEAR SEX

An Advice Column That's Short On Advice And Long On Columns...

by DR. SEX!!!


DISCLAIMER: Dr. Sexton Seamus McGinty III is NOT, nor never was, a licensed physician, psychologist, or psychiatrist. He's a fucking quack is what he is. He is, in fact, a 'pataphysician, which is just a roundabout way of saying that he's a BULLSHITTER...


I'M BAAAAAACK!!

I bet you all thought you'd never get one of these again. But lately all of my bitches have been calling me out of retirement, asking me this and asking me that... one thing led to another, and now I'm back on the scene, doling out advice to the lovelorn, the sex-starved, and the crazy brave.

As you may have noticed, Ledhed's usual dirty illustrations do not accompany this column for now. He's on vacation in Europe, making a living drawing sketches of whatever he spies underneath the skirts of women walking on the street. The minute he comes back, he's going to be glad that the column is back in semi-regular rotation... and he'll also be bummed that he has to be back in the States at all!

Until he comes back, I'm writing these columns solo.

Enjoy.


Dear Sex:

What's the deal with circumcision? Are you for or against it?

Peter Schlong,
Perinuem, CA


Dear Peter:

The deal with circumcision is that, much like orgasms in the modern married couple's household, it comes and goes with the times. One minute, it's good to whack the extra skin off of a kid's wee-wee, and the next minute, people decide that kids need that extra skin in order to feel whole.

In my day, we had to de-smegmatize all by ourselves. My mother used to nag me about washing behind my ears and also underneath my foreskin. We didn't have doctors cutting the skin away for us as a convenience. Today's kids are nothing but a bunch of slackers, really. Lazy, unmotivated, needing everything done for them... no wonder this country's going down the toilet!

When it got popular to cut skins again, I volunteered as an adult to have the procedure done. I was in a tremendous amount of pain for two weeks after that-- I guess it's good to do it when you're young and stupid, kind of like getting a tattoo with your beloved's name on your ass.

After the pain subsided, I felt a whole lot better about it, because all of the pornos I watch feature circumcized penises and I like feeling like I'm part of the crowd.

The downside is that my penis is smaller and shorter than it was before the cut. Instead of being 5 and 3/4 inches long, it is now 5 and 1/2 inches long. This has affected my notions of manliness and masculinity. I've decided to have my foreskin restored, but first I need a donor. Anyone out there have an extra foreskin they don't need?


*/*


Dear Sex:

Why are men so obsessed with what a woman looks like? I see fine girls with ugly dudes all the time-- they all can't be gold-diggers though... it seems to me that women are less picky than men. If so, why do you think this is?

Hal Bellow
Upstate NY


Dear Hal:

Men are obsessed over a woman's appearance because men possess two sets of eyes. The first pair are used for things like seeing what's in front of you or stopping at a red traffic light; the second set are what my old friend Sharky used to refer to as his "dick eyes": they're used strictly for mentally undressing women out in public or anywhere else besides the bedroom.

The "dick eyes" are not in the same category as "beer goggles". Clearly, "beer goggles" are caused by drinking massive quantities of beer, whereas "dick eyes" are a natural occurrence in all men, regardless of sexual orientation.

When a man meets a woman, they look at her with their primary set of eyes. However, at some point during the meeting, the "dick eyes" start scanning the female form in order to find appealing aspects, i.e. large breasts, tight ass, long legs, etc. (it all varies depending on a man's particular fetish)

This can be traced back to the caveman days, where the survival instinct resulted in cavemen trying to find cavewomen who were fertile enough to reproduce offspring... unfortunately, the cavemen would eventually eat the young as soon as they were born. Thus, cavewomen had to start dressing in more revealing animal skins in order to keep the cavemen from eating their babies, which in turn led to the population explosion that we are experiencing today.

Mark my words: the minute child-eating comes back into vogue, men will be less inclined to judge women based upon their physical attributes. By that point, it will be all about how much salt they used in the recipe instead of how high a push-up bra can elevate the female breast. So ladies-- start boning up on your cooking skills. Going back into the kitchen is the only way to be a strong feminist nowadays.

There are those, however, who take a different tack-- groups of women are, on a daily basis, causing irreparable blindess to "dick eyes" by wearing clothes that they should never wear in public, on bodies that prove the nonexistance of a merciful God. This includes thongs on women who really shouldn't be wearing thongs in the first place.

I myself am not picky. I say, if you don't look like Brad Pitt and some girl thinks you are the bee's knees, you should be fucking happy and grateful that she has a pulse and all the other necessary parts.

Yes, women are less picky than men. But that works to everybody's detriment: ugly men take advantage of the kindness of women by giving average-looking men the false hope that they too can land a Claudia Schiffer lookalike, if only they just believed in themselves or had lots of money.

That's because a man who sees an ugly guy walking down the street hand-in-hand with a fine piece of ass is looking at the man with his normal eyes, while he is looking at the woman with his "dick eyes"... that is, unless he's gay or bi.

If you are interested in combatting what we professionals refer to as Dick Eyes Abuse, please send a SASE to: Ladies Against Dick Eyes (L.A.D.E.) c/o Sex McGinty, 2222 Twin Oaks Way, Pacoima, CA 91331. Send $5 with that SASE-- you won't get anything back, I just want to make some cash off of this.

Okay, that's enough for today. I don't know when I'll be back again. Possibly wherever it is that people cry for sound medical advice... I'll be there to steer them the wrong way!

PEACE