I couldn't resist.
For years, I've been tempted to take the Scientology "personality test", just to see what kind of absurdities could be divined. I found one online (no link) and got 40 questions into through it, then I skipped ahead to see how many more questions there were to answer. I eventually realized, by Question #120, that there was no discernible end in sight!
The questions are of the type where, no matter what you answer, you will always be deemed eligible to try out Scientology at the end of it. But what's really telling is that you don't get the results right then and there-- you have to go into a local Scientology center in order to retrieve your results.
To do this, you have to give them your vitals. So I gave them a fake name and address, because I have no intention of giving them my info. And I'm never going into one of their centers, because I fear that (strong-minded as I am) they will brainwash me as soon as I enter their facilities with some form of Bop Gun, not unlike what the Star Child used on Sir Nose D'Void O'Funk in Funkentelechy vs. The Placebo Syndrome... except this Bop Gun won't make me dance!
Here's a sampling of the kinds of questions they ask you:
+ means yes or mostly yes
? means maybe or uncertain
- means no or mostly no
Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which later you regret? + ? -
When others are getting rattled, do you remain fairly composed? + ? -
Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries just for pleasure? + ? -
When asked to make a decision, would you be swayed by your like or dislike of the personality involved? + ? -
Do you intend two or less children in your family even though your health and income will permit more? + ? -
Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles, when there is no logical reason for it? + ? -
Would you prefer to be in a position where you did not have the responsibilities of making decisions? + ? -
Are your actions considered unpredictable by other people? + ? -
Do you consider more money should be spent on social security? + ? -
Do other people interest you very much? + ? -
Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch? + ? -
Do you normally let the other person start the conversation? + ? -
Are you readily interested in other people's conversations? + ? -
Would the idea of inflicting pain on game, small animals or fish prevent you from hunting or fishing? + ? -
Are you often impulsive in your behavior? + ? -
Do you speak slowly? + ? -
Are you usually concerned about the need to protect your health? + ? -
Does an unexpected action cause your muscles to twitch? + ? -
Are you normally considerate in your demands on your employees, relatives, or pupils? + ? -
Do you consider that you could give a valid “snap judgment”? + ? -
Do your past failures still worry you? + ? -
Do you find yourself being extra-active for periods lasting several days? + ? -Do you resent the efforts of others to tell you what to do? + ? -
Is it normally hard for you to “own up and take the blame”? + ? -
Do you have a small circle of close friends, rather than a large number of friends, speaking acquaintances? + ? -
Is your life a constant struggle for survival? + ? -
Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it? + ? -
Are you considered warm-hearted by your friends? + ? -
Would you rather give orders than take them? + ? -
Do you enjoy telling people the latest scandal about your associates? + ? -
Could you agree to “strict discipline”? + ? -
Would the idea of making a complete new start cause you much concern? + ? -
Do you make efforts to get others to laugh and smile? + ? -
Do you find it easy to express your emotions? + ? -
Do you refrain from complaining when the other person is late for an appointment? + ? -
Are you sometimes considered by others a “spoilsport”? + ? -
Do you consider there are other people who are definitely unfriendly toward you and work against you? + ? -
Would you admit you were wrong just to “keep the peace”? + ? -
Do you have only a few people of whom you are really fond? + ? -
Are you rarely happy, unless you have a special reason?
You get the drift by now. I couldn't take anymore.
*/*
I watched Never Scared, Chris Rock's most recent HBO special, on DVD last night. It was funnier than when I first saw it. Most people I have talked to have commented that it wasn't as funny as his other specials, but I liked it-- he's going on 40 and he can't keep talking about the same old shit.
Recently, on Hip Hop Music.com, there was a discussion about whether Rock is a self-hating Black, because his targets are mostly people like Michael Jackson, O.J. Simpson and R. Kelly. I say "No", because really what Rock represents is the court jester, the one who checks everybody at the door and cuts egos down to size.
And he's really good at it too.
Most people on the Internet pride themselves on being no-nonsense, but then they get offended when someone like Chris Rock nails their bullshit right on the head. Chris Rock is an anti-narcissist, in the sense that his comedy isn't self-glorifying or a vehicle for him to fill us in on his personal life. He does make light of himself: his looks, his star status, his position in the world... but luckily he's not so full of himself, otherwise his attacks on people like Marion Barry and black people who buy excessive jewelry would ring hollow.
He's a social commentator, in the strictest sense, and in Never Scared he crosses over into straight-up politicizing, with the vocal cadence of a Baptist preacher... and it's long overdue. I'm glad Chris Rock is around, because when I laugh at his jokes, it is in recognition that what he's talking about (out of its comedic context) really isn't that funny.
I often say that I laugh at certain things in self-defense, and I get the feeling that Chris Rock makes jokes in self-defense, to keep himself from shedding a tear over things like crack addiction, the battle of the sexes, and the sad state of rap music.
For those who admire the early Chris Rock, Never Scared features (as an extra bonus) his very first HBO special, Big-Ass Jokes. It's a marked contrast to the new special because he still hadn't quite found his voice yet, even if his brand of humor was wholly evident.
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